Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Sadist and a submissive...

That title sounds like the beginning of a joke, but this isn't a joke. This is about me being despirited and sad and empty.

I've been thinking about how I should Dominated Pet again soon.. Have a new session with him. However, I'm not sure I want to. I think it's because I'm afraid of running out of ideas. There are only so much you can do in a tiny apartment like this, and I have come to realise that me and Pet have very different needs.. Wants.. When it comes to BDSM.

Pet wants to be physically overpowered and constrained. He wants me to humiliate him as much as I can and as hard as I can, but doesn’t take well to being embarrassed. Taking a walk in public did not arouse him, for example. He doesn’t mind being scolded or shouted at, and wants to feel small and unworthy. So far his main “complaint” after the sessions has been that he wants to be held down more, forced more.

This just doesn’t work for me. First of all, there’s no chance in hell that I can physically overpower him. At least not in here where I’m afraid I’ll hurt him or myself by bumping into things. If I’d had a 4x4 padded room, yes maybe I could have brought him to his knees, if I was quick and fought dirty. Pet is not tall for a guy but he’s strong and heavy. I can’t bring him down by force.

With that out the window there isn’t much left. Sure I’ve made him drink from a bowl and used him as a foot stool, but it didn’t seem to appeal as much to him as he thought it would. He’s immensely turned on by pony play, but I’m way to heavy to ride him, don’t fit into high boot and even though I do have a riding crop and he does have a suitable gag, it just isn’t the same when we are constricted to this tiny area. I can’t take him out, as we live in the middle of town.

The thing is, he and I are not as different. One of the parts I love the most when T is Dominating me, is when we wrestle and he shows himself to be stronger than me. I love being held down, struggling to get away, yet unable to do so. T is heavy and strong, much stronger than me, and I love it. I love the feeling of him being able to do whatever he wants with me, and me being unable to stop him. So yeah, I definitely see where Pet is coming from, but I can’t fulfil that need.

When I’m on Top I don’t get many ideas for the whole physical overpowering thing, because I know I can’t do it anyway. I’m not so much of a Dominant as a Sadist. I love to hurt men, physically. I love to strike them, slap them, spank them, whip them, use warm wax, ice cubes, clamps, crops, tie them up in uncomfortable positions and so on and so on. And I have TONS of ideas for this. Places to tie him up, ways to tie him up, what to use my new and shiny hand cuffs for etc. I know of so many ways to physically hurt a man, but I know it’s no use. Pet doesn’t really mind being hurt, as long as it’s for the purpose of humiliating him or punishing him. I want to hurt him because I want to hurt him. I like hurting him, like hearing him sigh and moan, like watching him tense up and try to move away. I like it when he sobs, close to crying. I want to make him so small and hurting so much he starts crying for real. It’s been done to me, and I loved it. It’s an amazing form of release. And I like comforting and praising him afterwards, telling him how good he was. I can do this, I know I can.

I can’t do the whole roleplay bit. I can’t be angry, shout and yell, tell them how mad I am at them and how horrible they are. It isn’t true. I can in a calm and logical voice tell him how much I am giving up to be there with him doing the things I’m doing, how much he doesn’t really deserve that… But that’s as far as I’ve gone, and I think that’s as far as I can go. What I usually do is laugh and smile, because I feel good when I make him hurt. I’m happy that he lets me hurt him and it amuses me to see him in pain. God, I sound like such a monster. Am I really so bad? I wouldn’t like to hurt someone “for real”. Everything is consensual, that’s where all the fun is. I could never abuse someone who didn’t want me to.

So what can I do? What shall I do? We aren’t incompatible, but very, very different. Does anyone have any ideas for what I can do to him that he would like? Then perhaps I can hit him some more afterwards... Give and take: I do something that he wants and get to do something to him that I want. Or at least that’s how I think it can work. I think a true masochist would be more fun for me than a sub, but I suppose I have to work with what I have.

2 comments:

  1. Do you have a pair of handcuffs? You might try cuffing his hands with the cuffs around the leg of a piece of heavy furniture. N. is smaller than me, and we found a way to put the rope under the bed to hold me down. Then I am held down, but he doesn't get exhausted by holding me down and I can't get out of it.

    As for pony play, why are you too heavy? Have you tried riding him? Can he physically hold you up? It sounds like he's a pretty strong guy. Try it, and if you break his back, you'll know it didn't work. ;)

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  2. T actually gave me a pair of quality handcuffs for my birthday, so yeah I do have handcuffs. :)
    And I have ways of tying Pet down. I have ropes attached to each legg of the bed and then tie him in an X.

    He's been working with heavy lifting and stuff for many years, and has had problems with his knees. In addition to that, I do weigh approx. 115kg. That is too much. And we did try. It was.

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