Saturday, April 12, 2008

Wanting to fuck women

When I was abroad during Easter, I got my first ever proposition from a girl. A bunch of people had been playing "I have never" or "Never have I ever" or whatever it's called (no one could seem to agree). A drinking game involving telling intimate stuff about yourself anyway. So I talked about how I don't fall in love with women, but am sexually attracted to them. I’m bisexual. I’ve got a boyfriend, but as long as I ask his permission, he should in theory be ok with me fucking another woman. This has only been put to the test once, though.

Anyhow, this really drunk (but admittedly really hot) woman got very curious about this. I can’t remember her exact words, but essentially she wanted us to fuck. There and then. Turning her down was hard. Very hard. But she was minbogglingy drunk, and I knew it was (mainly) the alcohol talking. I joked with her, telling she’d never acted like that if she’d been sober. If she still remembered in the morning, and didn’t just feel embarrassed, we’d talk about it then.

Of course, she didn’t remember. I actually spoke with her about it the next evening, and she denied ever having said such a thing. I had witnesses though. This all happened around a kitchen table, after all. She got very confused, and just like I thought, she wouldn’t have said something like that if she’d been sober. Kind of disappointing really, because I would have enjoyed fucking her. But you can’t force people. Especially sober, uncertain British people.

Anyhow, this got me thinking. I’m full of big words, telling every hot chick I think can take it (and some who can’t), how much I’d like to fuck them. But I never actually make a move. I think it’s because I’m afraid of being rejected. I don’t have self-confidence enough to fill a tea spoon with. Not with regarding to my looks anyway. I don’t think I’m sexy. I don’t think I’m fuckable. I don’t get why ANYONE would be turned on by me. Once in a while, some people are. I don’t get that, but I embrace it with all that I have. The previous girl I fucked was like that. All flirty and obviously interested. So we fucked. And although it wasn’t a particularly good fuck (not for me anyhow), it did great things to my ego. Giving me some hope that I might actually be sexy, or at least fuckable, after all. But that hope dwindled fast, and it’s been a long time.

With men it’s different. Getting a man to bed is SO easy. Mainly because most men don’t care what they fuck as long as it’s willing to be fucked by them. And most women aren’t that willing, so my job’s pretty easy. Women though.. Women are tricky. They know their worth; having been around guys they know how much they’re in demand. And women aren’t controlled by their desires in the same way, so they are much more difficult to get into bed.

So where am I going with all this philosophy? Not far, really. My point is merely that I don’t proposition women. They have to come on to me. I might talk and laugh, making my desires known (at least in the broad sense), but I don’t have the confidence to actually make a move. I can’t. I don’t even feel like trying. You might call me stupid, or chicken, but the fact is this: If you want me, you have got to tell me so. In no uncertain terms. Come on to me, and then we might see some action. Because chances are, I will never, ever come on to you.

1 comment:

  1. P.S. And if anyone writes a comment (or tells me to my face) that "you are fuckable, just not by me, because of X reasons", then screw you. I don't want your general opinion. That doesn't help at all, so spare it. Yes, I know I'm bitter. Leave it at that.

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