Sunday, November 1, 2009


Played with Mondage yesterday. From about 1:30am to around 3:am. My boyfriend, T, was present most of the time. Afterwards, we sat talking until 5:30am. The talking was good. The talking is what's the most memerable about yesterday. We are really getting close to eachother now, close enough that I can ask him about the most intimate and private things and get honest answers from him. I still feel he's holding some things back from me, perhaps not intentionally, but we've come a very long way in just over a month.

One thing I've discovered is that I don't like the idea of him playing with others. I analyzed this feeling yesterday, because it's very unlike me. I don't get jealous. Ever. I think the main reason I get possessive is that I don't actually have any emotional hold on him. With boyfriends I can lean back on the fact that they love me. Mondages does (thankfully) not love me, and we don't even have an "ownership" thing going on. It isn't a traditional sub/Dom relationship. I don't "own" him, he owns himself. He's the one to decide whom he plays with, not I. And that's the way it should be. That is what scares me, I think... That's what makes me (in my head, not in my actions) possessive: I have no hold on him, no claim to him. He's very... Ephemeral. In the sense that he might disappear at any time, and I won't have any right to try and stop him.

So why get possessive about someone so ephemeral? Well, I won't deny that I'm slightly hooked on playing with him. BDSM-wise we're quite well-matched (at least better than me and Pet was), and we've had some great sessions together. Outside of the BDSM-scene, we have practically nothing in common what so ever, but it doesn't matter because the only time we hang out is when we play. It's purely for pleasure, both our pleasure, that we have anything to do with eachother. I enjoy it, and I'll admit I wouldn't enjoy loosing it. I think that's why my thoughts get slightly possessive.

I won't let my thoughts interfere with my actions, though. Like T just said: You either deal with it or you stop playing with him. The later isn't an option for me at this point, so ofcourse I'll go for the former. I deal with it, and don't let it fuck anything up. He still owns himself, and decides for himself whom he plays with. I won't get upset or insulted or anything by him choosing to play with someone else. That would just be stupid.

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