The incident at a party really sparked something in me, and I've spent some time since then thinking and talking about BDSM. Truth is, I haven't felt that much, and that naturally, in submission "mode" for years. And it felt really, really good!!! T and I have played around a bit, true. But it's mostly just been physical, my mind hasn't been all that convinced. He can get me into "sub mode", but only momentarily. So submitting to him feels like a lot of work, it doesn't come naturally.
We talked about it the other day, and I think I've found several reasons why we're not really a good BDSM-play match. First of all, we're too equal. This is of course a great thing for our relationship, but it means we find it difficult to switch into a more asymmetrical balance of power. Because we both consider the other party to be our equal in every way. Ofcourse, I feel that play-partners are my equals too, but it's different. I'm able to switch from a neutral non-playing stance into a sub/dom stance more naturally. And that just doesn't come naturally with T. It feels like it's just an act, that it's not really real somehow... I don't feel controlled.
Secondly, we want different things from the BDSM. This is the same reason why me and Pet didn't work out as play partners, I think, though Pet and T are very different. I have a more traditional, perhaps more dogmatic, definition of what BDSM should be and what effect it should have on me. T claims he's interested in BDSM, but that he doesn't conform to the typical ideas of what BDSM should be. Hearing him talking about it, I have problems seeing him as a BDSM-interested person at all. What he talks about seems like something else entirely. However, I can't dictate how others should define themselves. If he benefits from being a part of the BDSM community I can't deny him that, just because he doesn't fit my ideas of what BDSM is.
This also means that he can't truly fulfill my BDSM-related needs (and I have no clue if I can fulfill his, as I haven't really understood what those are). We've been living with a compromise for five years, and it's worked out well enough. What little playing we've done has been nice and all.. But eventually, I'll need more than that. The little taste of what submission CAN be that I got a few days ago.. Like I said, it sparked something in me. I realized I'd really missed that, and understood that our compromises can't satisfy me in the long run.
For now, my needs for BDSM-related activities are covered by Mondage. It's not the same, because I'm the Dominant part our the play sessions. But it feeds the need for BDSM, and for now that is enough. There will come a time when switching won't be enough, a time when I need to submit. But not yet. We still have ample time to work something out. I'm really glad this came up now, and didn't hit me like a ton of bricks in a few years time. This way, T and I can come to an agreement about who/what/when/how I can and cannot submit to someone else. And we'll build a compromise that will keep our relationship safe and at the same time fulfill my needs. I'm pretty sure this will work out just fine. :)