Sunday, September 19, 2010

One strike, you're out? Apparently not..

So much happened Thursday evening and night that I don't really know how to tell it all. I guess I'll just start at the beginning.

It started out with Corvus and I going to a munch in another town, just outside of Oslo. It was nice enough, though very small and new compared to what I've gotten used to in Trondheim and Oslo proper. It was nice to bring Corvus along and make it obvious to people that he's mine. Somehow, that makes me proud.

On the way home, we stopped in a parking lot near a gas station. Again. That's become somewhat of a tradition, or at least a necessary habit. We talked and played for a couple of hours. I teased and prodded and mocked and hurt Corvus until he was as turned on as I've ever gotten him. And then I asked if he'd be willing to do practically anything I told him. And he said yes. However, he didn't have the presence of mind (I'd taken that from him) to really understand what he'd just said. I took a gamble, and I honestly thought it would work out. I honestly thought he was ready for it. But when I untied one of his hands and whispered in his ear that I wanted him to jerk off, the situation just collapsed.

He couldn't do it. I realised almost immediately that he'd gone into lock-down, but hoped I was wrong. Hoped that he was just being coy, playing at refusing. So I pushed him a bit, assuming I'd get a stop word if he wasn't actually playing. No stop word came, but I broke it off rather quickly anyway. And that was the beginning of over two hours of crying and talking and hugging.

It was tough, let me tell you. I've never made a large mistake with a sub before. Sure, minor things that I wish had gone in other directions, but I've never managed to completely kill the mood like that. Once I'd finished comforting him, talking him back up into equilibrium, and he didn't need me anymore.. The I broke down myself. There was nothing domininant left in me right then. I cried and I felt extremely vulnerable, ashamed and sorry. It felt as though I'd betrayed his trust. It was awful.

From how well he handled it, it seemed as though the situation was worse for me than for him. Though I don't know that for sure. He handled it really well, and he handled me really well too. He comforted me, held me and listened to me as I tried to talk myself back into my own equilibrium. I'd been rather high on emotions and such myself, so it was quite a drop. Is this what a Dom-Drop is like? I'm not sure how that term is used. Anyhow, it wasn't nice. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, sad one moment and laughing the next. At one point I got really angry, at everything and nothing, but mostly at myself. Corvus alowed me to bite his arm, without questioning my intentions. Biting down and suddenly having to focus on someone else but me.. That helped, somehow. I appologized for everything, profundly and repeatedly, and he told me it was ok. That helped too.

We stepped outside of the car for a breath of fresh air. I was still shaky and unstable, but I could feel that I was slowly getting my old self back. Just like when you fall off a horse, I knew I couldn't just stop the night there and then. We needed to get back into play-mode again.

The most difficult then, for me, was getting over the fact that he'd seen me so vulnerable. Not many people have seen me cry (at least outside of LARPs and roleplays), and it had felt good to be held and comforted. Even by him. I voiced my worries, and he reassured me and told me it was ok. I'm human too, I should be alowed to make mistakes and be vulnerable. He accepted that.

Corvus was standing with his back to the car, and I was leaning up against him. It was one of those kissing moments, so I bit him. His neck. It felt like the logical thing to do. We played around a bit, nothing serious, just a bit of pinching, biting and tickling. He could tell I wasn't really back yet, but I tried anyway, and he let me. "Fake it 'till you make it" ought to be a motto of mine. It did work though. Slowly but surely, I got back on top.

That ends the first part of that evening and opens part two. In a way those are two separate sessions, done back-to-back. A playing marathon, you might call it.

Once we'd talked our way though my mistake and the trauma it caused, we were almost back to normal. I played with him for and hour or so, and at every milestone we passed, I thought "I ought to stop here, and be pleased with how fare we've come, concerning how fucked up things were. I can't risk another collapse".

However, I didn't stop. I kept on pushing: My hand outside his underwear, cupping his balls (and he continued having a hard on). Then inside the underwear. Letting him get used to that for a minute or two. Then, finally, longingly: His dick. Holding. Grasping. Stroking and caressing. And eventually, I was able to take his hand and place it there. Withdrawing my own, he was slowly stroking his dick on his own, me watching. It worked! He didn't go into lock-down, he didn't pull back from me or freak out. It was ok.

So I'd been right after all, he had been ready for it. However, I'd gone about it in the wrong manner. In making him take an active part, I gave him the opportunity to think, reflect and refuse. Even though what I said wasn't phrased as a request, he was still able to choose. And so he chose not to do it. Whilst the second time, he was never given that option. Slowly, taking baby steps, I pushed past his limits, one step never seeming that much different from the pervious one. Slowly, he got used to my touch. And eventually, I was able to do what I wanted.

I hadn't had a plan behind that hour of playing. Sure, I had a wish, but concerning how badly things had gone earlier that evening, I didn't have high hopes. One thing simply led to the other, and so everything worked out in the end. As we talked, one final hour or so, he didn't seem traumatized or shell-shocked. He was just like he always is after we've played. I take that as a good sign.

I learned a lot from this experience. Even though it was painful and scary, I think it was good for me. A necessary step in my dominant journey. As you learn, you evolve and grow, and that's how you get better at what you do.

Though I was terrifyed for a while, certain I'd ruined our relationship and his trust in me, it did turn out allright in the end. I'm hoping we'll grow stronger from this experience, as we've learned to know one another better. He's certainly seen sides of me that I never intended to show! Hopefully, there won't be any lasting emotional damage from the event for either of us, and we'll be able to move on. I'll know more when I see him again next week.

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