Sunday, September 5, 2010

Unable to express myself (that's a first!)

Stuff is happening so quickly these days, I'm starting to lag on the blogging. Not actual play sessions as such, as there's only been one since last time. No, it's more of what's going on in my head.

I was going to give a detailed report of the playing Corvus and I did on Friday, the way I usually do. But simple words like "..and then I tied him up" can't express how one bondage session can be very different from another one. Words simply aren't enough. Suffice to say that I pushed him further, in terms of pain and humiliation, than I believe he's been pushed before. His inner thighs are still spotted blue, from what he tells me.

To my suprise, my fingers started hurting last night. I couldn't figure out why, but this morning it finally hit me: I'm sore. Sore like I would be in any muscle that has been worked more than it's used to. This probably stems from the pinching, scratching and grabbing I did in quite large amounts. It's quite amusing really, that as I type this, I'm reminded (in every motion I make) of what we did on Friday. I guess it's only fair that the Dom have some slight aches and pains as well, when the sub has endured so much.

For perhaps the first time in my life I'm involved in serious playing with a submissive (I don't count Pet, as it was long ago and just a few times. I didn't know enough nor enjoy it enough, back then). One who desires to be made helpless both physically and mentally, who desires me to take responsibility and control away from him. And who'll go along with my crazy stunts as long as he isn't given the option to refuse. And I'm loving it! I didn't think I'd come to like it this much this quickly, but I do. I've been trying to write this paragraph several times now, and each time I can't find the words to express what I want. I just... Enjoy it. I really do.

Seeing him struggle against his bonds... Hearing the sounds he make, sounds of pain, pleasure and something inbetween... Seeing that look of apprehension and just a hint of fear in his eyes, as I do things to him that he hadn't been able to predict... Noticing how his body relaxes more and more, as he knows that I have taken choice and responsibility away from him... At least for that scene.

Sure, he's still got the responsibility to stop the game if he feels it's going to far too fast. That's the responsibility of any submissive! But where and how we play is something he's volunteerily given up, and placed in my hands.

As I write this, and re-read, I can see nothing extraordinary. Nothing I haven't written, or at least thought, before. And so again, I'm at loss for words. Because this DOES feel extraordinary. I just can't quite explain how or why. It's a rush, a high. Tuesday is our next "play date". I can hardly wait.

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