Friday, September 10, 2010

An unrelated realisation

First: This is unrelated to all the playing I've been doing lately. Just to have that clear.

I've come to a realisation. Ever since I was a young teenager, I've had a "thing" for men who sexually interract with other men. It started out as just a fascination for homosexuals in general, probably because I was currious about it. However, lesbians never interested me much. Not in the way homosexual men did. I'd go to the library and find novels and short stories about gays, and in such ways discovered some of the litterature I still concider among my favorites today. Like the Norwegian author Elin Brodin and some of the short stories in collections published yearly by Ungdomsbokklubben. And ofcourse "Egalias d√łttre", which I read when I was 14.

But let's get back on track: So, I had this curriosity. This fascination. From I was 12 and onwards I read large amounts of erotic short stories. As teenage boys would consume erotic pictures and films, I consumed the written word. cupido.no was my primary "hunting ground", because these were the times when their stories still were available online for free.

The currious thing is that for a period of at least three years (it's hard to put dates on these things, so it might have been more), I read almost no short stories with heterosexual couples as the protagonists. I wanted, and dilligently searched for, erotic fiction about gay men. And gay men only. The subject could be anything, but as I look back I see that my favorite stories weren't about "gays" in the typical sense of the word. But rather of apparently straight men who ended up having sex with other men and enjoying the experience.

I haven't intentionally searched out stories about men-who-has-sex-with-men for years now. However, just the other day I stumbled upon some gay bondage porn. It was fascinating, mainly for the ropework and shere amount of available video. But it didn't particulary turn me on in itself. However, I remember a short moment, in one of the videos, where a man passionatly kisses another man. And again, I felt this thingling inside me. Excitement and curriousity, rolled in with a hint of what I think might be shame. As if I was seeing something forbidden, spying on them. But come on! It was porn! So obviously, I must be responding to something else.

I've noticed this before too, whenever I meet openly gay couples on the street. I'm having a hard time not to stare. I love seeing them hold eachother, kiss and show affection. And ofcourse part of that is political: I'm glad we live in a society where they're able to do that without prosecution or harassement. However, I think part of it is also this... "Thing".

I've never before realised that I had this "thing", this fascination. It's always been subtle. I won't call it a fetish, because if it had been then it would have been a more passionate urge, a longing. It isn't. Just a fascination.

Part of it, I think, is the thought everyone had when they were kids: "What if I were the oposite gender for a short period of time? What would it feel like?"

I think part of it is the voyeur in me, the one who likes to wach. I'm quite the exibitionist, and I knew I had this other side as well. It's just not as prominent as my exhibitionist side. I enjoy waching, and listening in, to people having sex. I haven't experienced this many times, but the few times I have been in such situations it's mostly been... Interesting.

Part of the fascination comes from the tabou. Ofcourse gay men and women are accepted in today's society, and I'm not saying that they aren't. HOWEVER, it's a fact that seeing women kissing and fondling eachother is A LOT more common than seeing men doing the same. Ask most straight men: They'd be ok with a threesome involving another women, but not another man. More women are openminded enough to accept both genders as a potential third. Young women who experiment with their sexuality and have sexual relations with both genders before (often) settling on one gender as they grow older is relativly common. And accepted. Men doing the same, I'm sure is also quite common, but not accepted in the same way. So you can say that it's the novelty factor that fascinates me, perhaps.

However, I still think there are reasons here that I haven't uncovered. I don't know what they are. If Freud was here, he'd probably call it penis-envy, but I suspect that's his answer to practically anything. However, the fact remains: Men in affectionate, sexual situations involving other men is fascinating. And bizarely, kissing is more fascinating than a blow job. At least right now.

I find this strange, this fascination. I'd forgotten it even excited, and yet I suspect it's been there for years. I just haven't been aware of it. It hasn't been deemed as important or relevant. And I guess it isn't, really.. But right now, I have a lot of time on my hands. Time for introspection and self-analysis. And then bits like this bob to the surface.

It's strange, what we can find when we start digging through old drawers...

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