Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What has happened, part 1: A chaotic jumble of feelings

Where the fuck should I start? These last three weeks have been a chaotic, confusing, frustrating jumble of crap. I couldn't possibly do this chronologically, but luckily this isn't a ship's log so I don't have to. This is about me writing and in the process trying to structure my mind and inject some order into the chaos of thoughts and emotions that is me.

Let's start at the end, which was Friday the 14th of January. Corvus dumps me. The term is inapropriate, because we were never "together" as the term suggests, but I have no better word for what happened. We went from having a BDSM relationship, a close bond between friends who did a lot of fun and exciting stuff together, to not have anything at all. And in a blink of an eye. He decided to cut all kink, all BDSM and fetish and everything, out of his life. So naturally, I had to be cut too. He didn't seem to care the least that he, just with a few words, ended something amazing and fulfilling that has lasted for almost 5 months. There was no concideration for me, how I'd take it, what I'd feel. It was selfish, and although it was obviously done as a desperate act in order to survive (more about that later), it wasn't pleasant to be in the recieving end. It wasn't even face to face, it was by phone.. While he was busy at work. I don't think the circumstances could possibly have been worse.

So yeah, I'm hurt. The way he did it, with no concideration or empathy, hurt like hell. Rationally, I know that he didn't mean to hurt me, but emotions don't listen to reason. He did. And it wasn't nice.

I'm coping fairly well. Most of the time, I'm too busy to think about it much. It's moments like this, when I'm writing about it or explaining it to someone... I feel tears welling up. I can't explain why, really, not even to myself. What is it I miss? What is my problem? Why can't I just shrug and move on?

A large part of it is loosing a friend. Sure, we could still be friends, and probably will be again sometime. But right now, when I'm hurting and really could need him to hug, rant to, talk with... Now he isn't here. I used to be so involved in his life. What goes on with his collegues now, more drama? Has his friend settled in the house he's bought? Has he figured out what was wrong with his car? Has his sister given birth yet and is she doing ok? I don't know, and I won't be able to find out. I miss the chatting, exchanging stories and advice. Supporting eachother. It's what friends do, and we aren't doing that.

Eventually we could get back to that friendship, if perhaps not as strongly as we used to. For now, I'm choosing to keep a distance to him. Why? Because I also miss him as a play partner. The connection we had. I miss the way he moan when I twist his nipples. The way he squirms underneath me when I'm stopping his breathing. The way he looks at me sometimes. The way he sits on the floor in front of me, head in my lap, my fingers in his hair. The way his breathing changes when I put my mouth to his ear, flicking my tongue over his earlobe.

Right now, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my hands from him. Touching him, in some way or another, seems so natural when we're in the same room together. It's what I've been doing for 5 months now. Seeing him again now, and being unable to do that... I know it would make me ache. It would feel weird, unnatural. "He is MINE!", my mind screams. "Mine to touch, to hurt, to grab, to pet. My toy, my plaything!" Or so he was. And that hurts too.

And then there's the social part. In a way, that is the bit which at the moment is the biggest hindrance in my daily life. I've been playing with Corvus almost since I got back involved with the Oslo BDSM scene. When I am at the club, we play. Or at least were both there, usually, so I have his company. I have him to focus on.

To quote a status update I wrote on Fetlife yesterday (Tuesdays is the regular munch day):
What's the point of showing up, if you have nothing to do?
Someone suggested socializing is a good reason to show up, or to meet random people to tie up. My answer to that was:
If I want to meet friends, I can do it elsewhere. No need to go to Nonna. And I'm really not in the mood for random playing now. I need it to mean something, I need that spark, the connection between the players. With random people it just isn't there. That way I won't meet anyone new to play seriously with either, but right now I'm fine with that. I just... can't. Not yet.
And that is the truth. Corvus and I have build a connection over the last 5 months. It just won't be the same without that, and I won't be sattisfied with anything less now that I know how GREAT that can truly be. And I'm certainly not in the mood to find someone else and start building something new. Not the way this relationship went to hell.

I still want to go to munches and parties at the club, but once I'm there I find myself wandring aimless from room to room. I exchange pleasantries with people I know and people I don't know, but it all feels fairly meaninless. I joke about being "on the prowl" looking for new victimes, but in the end none of those who could be willing appeal to me. And so I'm left with nothing to do but be social, and honestly I have better uses for my time (there's always Playstation.. :P ). An so I feel myself withdrawing. It hasn't been long yet, just under a week, but I can see where this is going. Just like he decided to break off from the BDSM scene, so am I about to do the same. Not to the same extreme, ofcourse. I'll still come to the occational party or much.. But it just doesn't engage me, doesn't excite me or interest me in the way it used to.

Ofcourse, this will all pass. My rational mind knows this. This is a phase, it will gradually come to an end. Comparing this to when other relationships I my life have gone bad (friendships or love), I'm actually handling this fairly well. And so I know this will pass.

However, feelings don't listen to reason. So for now, I feel abandoned. Lonely. Hurt. Sad. Upset. Angry. Lost. And abandoned again, perhaps most of all. He didn't just abandon me, THAT I could probably handle. He abandoned US. What we had, both outside and during our sessions. He left something great, threw it asside as though it had no value. And I'm left here alone, unable to talk it over with him, wondering what on earth I did WRONG!?!

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