Note: Check out the blog entry on play modes from December 21, 2009 I feel it is connected to this one, in a way.
I played with Corvus on Tuesday, at a munch in the BDSM club here in Oslo. Started out with bondage, which evolved into a kind of "show-and-tell" because people wanted to learn how it was done. We left the main room for the smaller play room in the back, and continued the bondage experience there. A lot of new and new-ish people were there, and wanted to learn more. I love talking with new people, making them feel welcome. It's important to me.
Our play moved from pure bondage, which can be a fairly social experience, to a more serious S&M kind of thing. I'd planned to give Corvus a proper spanking, as it's been a while since we've played much with pain. There were two other groups in the room, involved in play, and they were fairly social. As they were all fairly new, I sometimes voluntaired comments or answered questions they asked. They didn't disturb us on purpose, I was simply unable to keep focused on what I was doing with Corvus.
After playing for a while, trying my best, we stopped and left the room. I had a strong urge to talk with him about what happened, and tell him how sorry I was for getting so distracted all the time. Though he admitted that this play session hadn't worked out very well, he didn't seem upset or disapointed. At least not near as upset as I was.
I think this affected me so strongly, because I know what it's like to be the sub in such a situation. I've experience playing with someone, trying to reach that sub-mode, that mental place where I'm owned and safe and small... And the Dom just wasn't taking the journey with me, wasn't even trying. He kept getting distracted, talking with other people and such. This upset me, because it felt as though he didn't really wish to play with me. When I play, I want to be my playmate's first priority. I want the focus to be on us. If such a situation happened now, I'd probably think: "If you don't think I'm important enough, if you don't really want to play with me, then go away. Either take this seriously or stop faking it."
As this is how I've felt, and in my mind still feel, when I'm the sub... You can imagine I felt pretty bad about behaving like this when I was the Dom. I'm very glad that Corvus didn't take my approach to this situation. He didn't get as upset as I know I'd have gotten. Still, I felt pretty bad about it. In fact, I still feel bad about it.
In hindsight I should have done something. Either gotten a hold of myself and stopped getting so distracted (which I doubt I'd have been able to). Or taken Corvus with me and gone somewhere else to play. Or stopped the session alltogether. It's a lessoned learned. I hope I won't make this same mistake again.