This is about chastity. What I think about it and it what it does to me.
Where it all came from
I'd been following the blog Denying Thumper for a while. Can't remember how I stumbled upon it, but opposed to many other BDSM/sex blogs I've actually kept following this one. Thumper is personal, yet not too personal. He's detailed, knowledable and he updates frequently. I like his topics and way of writing.
When I started out, I had only a vague idea what male chastety was all about. I wasn't particuallary attracted to it, and was fairly new as a Dominant. It seemed a bit scary. As I kept reading Thumper's blog, I got increasingly fascinated. So fascinated in fact that I started wondering what it would be like to try it out in practice.
My relationship with Corvus was growing, and we were getting to know eachother better and exploring the world of BDSM together. I think I was the one who first brought of the idea of using a chastity device. I remeber him getting fascinated and turned on by the idea right from the start. Ofcourse that felt like an added incentive.
We talked about it occationally, but as Corvus spiraled deeper down into depressions I didn't have much hope that we'd get to try it out anytime soon. And then, out of nowhere, he gets the idea to make a steel chastity device himself! And lo and behold, a few days later he's made it... And tried wearing it to work.
Stuff were moving pretty fast for me, and like I mentioned in a previous entry I was both a bit uncomfortable and very currious when I first saw it. A bit repulsed. The balls looked all squashed and red, and the steel tube seemed so hard and mean. As if the dick had been put in jail, and not all of it could fit. It looked so.. unnatural. Unreal, almost. Like a piece of cyborg tech, grafted onto the human body.
I did get used to it, though I might still have some ways to go. It very quickly stopped making me uncomfortable, mainly because I could see what a great effect it had on Corvus. Along with an increased dose of medication, it was helping him out of a depression crisis. I'd love anything that can do that to another person, and I didn't exactly dislike the idea of male chastity to begin with. :P
He's been in the device most of the time since we started out. It's been about three weeks, I think. He got to come once, after the first week, and has been orgasmless since. After he came, he dropped fairly badly. I can't have him drop like that, and yet I refuse to let my fear of his mood swings dictate whether to let him come or not.
And this is what it does to me: It enforces the idea of property. Of ownership. He is unable to come as long as he's locked in (and as we saw this weekend, he is really unable to come despite some fairly ardous attempts). This weekend, he also liftet his "maximum one month at a time" rule, giving me FULL controll over when and how often he gets to come. Or so he claims...
If his dick is my property, then I am the one who gets to decide. Meaning that if I wanted him to have eight orgasms in three days, he would do his fucking best to oblige my desire. If I wanted him out of the device for a couple of days, he should do as he is told. And if I wanted him to go for half a year or so without comming, he's accept that as well. And freakishly enough, that last idea seems much easier for him to accept than the first one. I think it's because he's had such incredibly positive experiences with the device so far, he's almost afraid to let it go. I wouldn't call it an addiction, more like an attachement he doesn't know if he can do as well without. I'm hoping this is a phase, and that he will get more willing to accept ALL my wishes and commands in the future. He is mine, it is MINE.
And it's a rush, that ownership. More than the usual sub/Dom-reationship. Since we don't have a 24/7-kind of sub/Dom-relationship, the ownership I have over him is not something reliable. He can take it away from me again, or can simply refuse to bend to my will. And that would be his right. I simply don't trust that he will always be in a submissive mood.
And sure, he could remove the device himself (for now, there will be a lock and only an emergency key awailable to him). And sure, it's all consensual and at any time he could use a codeword and end it. But the power he gives me because of the device still feels more lasting, more reliable, than general submission. This way I will always know that at least a part of him will always ("always") be under my control. Even if everything else in him rebels, as long as he doesn't use a codeword and completely break the illusion that BDSM really is, one part of him is mine. MINE! *cue evil laugh*
Another thing it does for me, which is more basic than this power-rush from ownership, is a sense of closeness: So far, I've played by the "at least one of us should at least wear underwear"-rule. Because honestly, I don't trust myself 100%. I doubt I ever would, but 0,1% of me says that if I was horney enough and we were both naked... And he was just lying there, tied down and defenceless... It would be SO tempting to fuck him, I might actually do it....Might. And since we can't do that, I would rather be safe than sorry.
But with the device, I don't have to worry. I physically CAN'T fuck him. Not that I think I would anyway, but it's always that little "but if.." in the back of my mind. It's nice not having that issue to worry about anymore. He CAN'T get properly hard, he CAN'T fuck me, he CAN'T come. And so I CAN be naked in the same bed with him. After my second orgasm of the day, I can snuggle up to him, cup his balls in my hand a wach him struggle with the pain and the pleasure. All without having that one nagging thought in my mind. I simply don't have to worry. I like that.