I just had my first proper top drop, and I'm writing this in order to sort it all out and get over it. I'm sitting in the dark downstairs, writing on my phone, while the party is still on above me. When I'm done, I'll go up and rejoin it. I was playing with LOL, for the first time in three months. He's a bottom, not a sub, so its all about the physical to him, not the mental.
It was a great session, but after some aftercare he asks me to leave the room. He can't properly let himself go with me there. I leave and he starts crying, just, like he wanted. I check on him now and again, but its clear that my presence isn't wanted. I'experienced this once before with him, and although I didn't like it, I handled it. This time, I didn't. Perhaps because its been so long, or perhaps because it was more intense this time, or perhaps I'm just.more frail than I was then. I don't know.
I was just outside the play room, and B asked me if everything was ok. I started explaining, and all of a sudden, I started crying. She held me and comforted me, and I ended up putting my head in her lap and crying some more. That is as vulnerable and "small" I've been in that club in many years. Thank gods she was there! LOL came out after a while and checked on me, but I couldn't talk to him. Still haven't actually, though I know he's worried. He could see I'd been crying.
First of all I dislike being seen as so weak by one I'm topping, secondly he might be a bottom but I'm still a dominant. It's all about the mental, to me. I feel rejected by him, shut out, when I'm finally getting through that tough, smiling exterior of his, he pushes me away. He won't let me take part. From a rational point of view, I know he doesn't do this to hurt me. And I'm glad he's able to communicate his need for solitude. I want to give him what he needs, but I need too. Taking care of the sub, petting and praising them and helping them back "up", keeping them safe and warm... That is (apparently) MY kind of aftercare. That helps me. And getting the sub to let down all his barriers and letting themself cry, that's a goal for me.
So yeah, feeling rejected and sad are big parts of it. And lonely. Really lonely. It's cold down here and the others have started eating. I better go join them again. Time to put on a happier face and say that everthing is ok. I'm not sure that everything really is.