Thursday, December 29, 2011


I still play occationally with Corvus, but there's nothing serious. Nothing of any serious duration or depth. He can't take it, he's too fragile mentally these days. Struggling with depressions and I don't know what else. Something physical as well, I think. He keeps having periods of intense dizzyness and nausia, and sometimes he has hallucinations and gets uncertain about what's real and what's not. It scares him, and I get scared for him. I don't want to loose him, I care SO much about him.

Trying to convince him to see a doctor, and finally (this fall) made him tell his doc about the depressions and get some pills. If not for those, I'm not sure he'd still be alive. The phyical troubles are getting worse, though, and he's not doing anything about those yet. And so I worry. I care about him so much and there's no way in hell I'm giving up on him. He's a dear friend, and more than a friend in some ways, and that won't change as long as I have a say in it.

I miss it, though... I have needs, cravings, and they are surfacing. I miss the connection between the dom and the sub. The spark, the feeling of lightning under the fingertips. The sensation that you KNOW this person, know him so well that you can predict every emotion, every reaction.... Almost. And I miss the uncertainty. How far can you push him this time? Will he comply to your wishes or keep struggling against your control? How far is he willing to go into unchartered land? Does he dear to leap and trust? Or is it too soon?

I try to go to BDSM parties of various kinds. At the BDSM club or at people's homes, it doesn't make much difference. There isn't much for me to do there anyhow. All the people there are familiar by now. Either of:
  • the wrong persuation (doms)
  • the wrong gender (women)
  • the wrong age (under 17 or over 45/50-ish)
  • already taken
  • not matching my desires/needs or play styles/modes at all
Or some combination of the above. And sure, I play with women from time to time... But a bit of bondage just doesn't do it for me, it's not ENOUGH. There's no depth, no feeling, no mental connection. Besides, I'm straighter than I'd like to admit. I prefer men for most things.. :/

I've played with a couple of people at these aforementioned parties, usually people who're already taken but whom I've been allowed to borrow, and it's nice enough... But it's just that: Nice. Pleasant. No spark. No connection. No one who REALLY appeals to me. And I fear I'm appearing to desperate. I've even opened up for the positibility of finding another toy through the internet, talking about my wish to find another sub in my Fetlife profile. (Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic of me, but what is a girl to do. It's not like I'm going to start placing personal ads anywhere!)

T isn't very sympathetic. He tells me this is how it is for most people. They have to be social and plesant and sit there looking, and only occationally (very occationally) actually get any action themselves. And yes, he's probably right. But just because he's right doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it. Damn it, there's supposed to be a LACK of dominant women! Well, if there is, then where the fuck are all these submissive guys?!? They certainly aren't at the parties I'm frequenting, or I would have grabbed on to them by now.. :/ This is supposed to be a woman's market, and yes I might be spoiled in this manner. But damn it, being spoiled is nice and I like it. I would like it to continue, and it isn't.

And so I sit here... Home alone for the hollidays, with two BDSM parties that I'll be attending in the next three days. And yet, I'm fairly certain I will find no one to play with at either of these parties. Not because I'm picky (trust me, if I ever was picky, this "dry spell" has certainly taken care of that!), but because if there's even ONE submissive man of the appropriate age, he'll be swamped by the domiant women present. Typically, he'll already know one or two of those women and so I'll naturally be last in line. I won't fight for someone I don't even know, I'm not THAT desperate. (I still have manners, believe it or not.)

And so I sit here craving.. Missing having a sub I can really connect with, who can handle being played with. And yeah, it's all in my mind... And yeah, it's common and happens to lots of people. That doesn't make it any less bothersome, though!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Dominant women: Where are they?

It's accepted as a fact of nature that there are more submissive men than there are dominant women. I don't think that's true, or at least that the ratio isn't as skewed as people claim. There ARE dominant women out there, we just don't see them that often. And there are a lot more women who COULD be dominant, but never dare because they are expected to be perfect from the start. Dommes need to learn as well, they need to be uncertain, they need to grow and developp. And they need to be accepted for who they are, not forced into a  high-heeled dominatrix mold.

Dominant women are preassured from two different angles. One side is the side of the domiant men, the dumbinants, who want all women to be submissives. They have the support of our society, as well, so they have a lot of power. The other side is the side of the submissive men, the dumb submissive men, who are SO self-centered. Who have watched too much porn and thinks that's how dominant women are supposed to be. Who send mass-produced messages to dominant women on kink sites, where all they do is talk about themselves and their wishes. Domiant women are HUMANS, not sex-robots built for your pleasure. Porn is not reality.

Now, I'm not as angry about this as certain other bloggers out there, but I still feel they have a point (if a somewhat exagerated one). I'll leave you with a quote from one of those fairly angry bloggers, Bitch Jones, which I actually found through another female dominant blogger Dishevelled Domina:

I can’t be bothered with these things because I have a lot of subjects that need tackling. We really need to talk about strap ons and latex and why I have ten different kinds of vibrator. 
And whether there really aren’t enough dom women to go around or whether there are really lots but they are scared to come out of their houses because of all the hideousness. And so, instead they give up and compromise and they settle down instead with nice vanilla guys who don’t try and talk them into play piercing and horrible, horrible crotch high boots all the time.
Yes, we have kinks – our own kinks – we are not all encompassing kinky-womenready to enable whatever non-mainstream sexual interest you might have. And you – male subs – might actually be okay with that if there wasn’t so much desperation painted all over it all. If the second you got your claws into a slightly kinky woman you didn’t start trying to remake her kinks in your image. And you’d be able to chill a little more if there were more dom women, which there would be if only…
Do you not see? Do you not see? You have created a woman repelling space full of unreasonable expectations of female physicality, predatory sexual creepiness, penis fixation (just ’cause you’ve locked it in a plastic cage doesn’t mean you aren’t still letting your world revolve around it) and pay-for-play as an acceptable norm.
And then you are surprised – surprised! – that there are no women here. Even though you have practically built a woman repelling force field around this place. You really like sexual frustration that much, huh?
There are enough dom women. There are enough for you to have one each. But they aren’t coming down here until you tidy the place up a bit. Just a bit. Maybe start by putting the porn away. Well *some* of the porn, then.
There’s so little time. There’s so much to fix.
Come on. Come with me. We can poke the Goreans when we’re done. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why participation in the BDSM community is so important

On UngBDSM, I recently defined why I'm a part of a BDSM organisation. Why do I go to munches and parties and such? There are three reasons:
1. Play. (Playing with people, waching others play, talking about play, finding/looking for people to play with.)
2. Helping the BDSM community grow and developp in a positive way (meaning recruiting people and helping new people fit in and feel comfortable).
3. Political. (Helping spread the word of BDSM, remove misconceptions and battle ignorance and intolerance.)
I'm not there to make friends. I have friends, and I have other ways of making friends. Ofcourse, if I do get along well with someone we might become friends, I won't refuse anyone like that. But that's not why I'm there.

I'm automatically sceptical towards people who say things like "for me, sex is a private matter, and so I don't participate in a BDSM organisation". For me, it's actually a prerequisite that a potential play partner is (or is willing to become) a part of the BDSM scene in Norway. That doesn't mean that they have to go to every event in their region, but they should at least stop by once in a while. They should be somewhat known in one group or another.

I have several reasons why I feel like this. First of all, the BDSM scene is somewhat self-regulating. People who do stuff which in no way is ok (like ignoring safewords, rudly interfering in others' play, playing while drunk etc) do get a reaction from the community. There will be rumors, people get warned about that person etc. Yes, sometimes this can be a problem, because of false rumors, drama and such, but mostly it works.
Meeting random people online isn't very safe. If you're active in a real life community, you can always ask others if they know the person you've started seeing, if they've heard any rumors etc. You might know people who've played with this person before, and even if no one knows anything in advace, at least you can get other people's opinions about the person from then on. You can observe the person in a social setting, seeing him talking to others etc. Ofcourse, this is no replacement for your own common sense, but it's an extra "safety net" which might come in handy.
Participating in a BDSM group/organisation/scene also makes you learn BDSM-ethics and etiquette. There are many norms and rules for BDSM, wether you're talking about it, practicing it or waching it. These norms are something I (usually) think of as a good thing. If I'm playing with someone, I want us to start off from the same baseline. When we talk about BDSM (and communication is damn important), I want us to use the same words and mean the same when we do. I want us to both know the same basics, like basic bondage safety, that you don't leave people during play, discression, aftercare, negotiations, safewords etc. Ofcourse, you COULD pick up this stuff online, but if you're a part of a Norwegian BDSM organisation, I know for SURE that you've had it explained to you. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for this basic BDSM education, especially with someone who claims (as people who send me messages often do) to have some experience with BDSM already.

I also think it's good for you to talk with people who share your interests, in general. Other BDSM people can give you inspiration, you may learn from them, or them from you. Talking with others about BDSM may open new posibilities, you may learn about things you hadn't previously heard of, you may developp and grow, expand your preferances etc. This is healthy and good for you. Ofcourse, there are people who are ashamed of their interest in BDSM, and because of their shame they don't want to meet others who share their interest. I think it's of particular importance, that these people meet other BDSM-interested people. They need to know that this is great and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. We are no more freaks than anyone else in society.

Another reason is this: When a person participates in the BDSM community, it also makes the community grow. More people, bigger organisations, means a more active community and (in the long run) more influence in society. Another person, now and then, makes a big difference in the long run.

So if you're interested in playing with me, you should be prepared to come to Nonna or participate in another BDSM organisation. If you're new to BDSM and the BDSM scene, I'll help and support you. I'll come with you to munches, talk with you and explain words and rules and stuff. I don't demand that you already be super-active. But when I ask you to join me at a munch, I expect you to come willingly.

If you're not interested in going to munches or parties in a BDSM organisation, I'm not interested in you. It's as easy as that.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture

This started out as a comment, answering Maymay's blog entry "On Being Bondage Furniture". However, it turned out so long and then started talking more about me than about him, and so I'm making it into one of my own blog entries in stead.

I read all your blog entries, but I don't comment much. This seemed like the right time to change that.

My first reaction was "oh, you poor man!". You trigger every instinct in my body to protect and nurture the people I care about. You've had so many bad experiences, felt so lonely and sad, and I just wish there was something I could do. And yes, that might sound odd, seeing as all I've ever done is read your blog, but I have come to care about you. At least the "you" that you show in your blog and twitter comments. I've grown to respect you.

You've tought me to see the BDSM scene (and the world in general) with a new pair of eyes. I notice things now that I didn't before. And because of you, and the things you've tought me, I've realised that your story is just one of many, many others out there. There are so many submissive men who experience similar things. And so, if I can't help you, then at least I can try to help some of them.

The problem, for me, is that I too have been burned. I've met the real creeps, the guys to presented themselves as submissive but just wanted to top. The desperate, submissive guys who turned into stalkers. The guys who didn't want to use safewords in play, or who kept pushing me to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with, or who just wouldn't take no for an answer. I have recieved countless mass-produced messages on various BDSM sites and forums, from submissive men who haven't even bothered to read my profile.

And I know, logically, that most submissive men out there are like you: Kind, intelligent, respectful, who see others as humans first and their roles second. But because I have been burned, I keep being afraid of meeting just another creep. And this makes me afraid of even trying. This scares me, and other female doms/switches I know away from the scene.

But really, there isn't much to do about this, is there? It makes me sad.