Pretty close to a year ago, I wrote this blog entry. Now, almost exactly a year later, I could have written that same entry again, or something close to it. Corvus struggles with the decision I made to no longer play seriously with him. And because I know he's struggling, and there's very little I can do to help him, I struggle too. I'm sad and moody, because I care so much for him. I want him to be ok, want him to be happy, and right now it's kind of my fault that he isn't. That pains me.
When is it ok for me to say: No, I don't want to do this. Not to you, and not to us. No, I don't think it's safe, no I don't dare to take on this responsibility anymore. A sub always has a safeword. When can I use mine, and not be called a coward?
Because as a dom, I'm given a huge amount of responsibility for the other party. I know they are, deep down, still responsible for themself, but this game we play with power pushes that responsibility down and hides it from view. It's still there as a safety mechanism. I don't think any sub in a healthy relationship would jump off a cliff if the dom told him to. But the sub would do SO many things, that might or might not be harmful or problematic, if given the command at the right time when he's in the right mindset. And a dom can get the sub into almost any mindset she wants. It's scary, that responsibility. That power.
Usually, I'm a big fan of power. It turns me on, even. But when I'm no longer sure if what I'm doing is right and good, when I don't know what consequences my actions could have... Then that responsibility, that power, scares me. And not in a good way. That's part of the reason why I've said no. I couldn't articulate this before, even to myself, but writing about it has helped. Writing usually helps.