Friday, December 6, 2013

Sparks and fireworks

I've been seeing a lot of Saint lately. He stayed over from Tuesday to Wednesday, AND I went and saw him today (Thursday) as well. And it works. It really, really works.

This fall, I said that I'd played with a lot of different people, but I was missing the sparks and fireworks that I had with Tight. I wondered if I'd find another sub like that, and was really morose. I was afraid I'd lost my ability to dominate, lost my mojo. I was in a very dark and unhappy place, loosing faith in myself and my own abilities... And Saint brought me out of that. In a way, he saved me. I got a session that worked, where I felt confident and happy about what I was doing. And then I just couldn't get that guy out of my head.

I've been wanting more of him ever since then, and the more I get, the more I want. When I touch him, there are sparks. Sparks and fireworks. Even when I think I'm not in the mood to play, and just want to cuddle and be social, I just can't keep my hands off him. And then we end up playing anyway. It's the "new badger" phenomenon, and I know this tingling, sweet crush will calm down in a couple of months. But right now, it's just SO sweet. It's such a rush.

So today I asked him if he'd be mine. My submissive. And he accepted. It won't change much from what we have now, but the words we use matter. It makes it all more formal, more definite. He's mine. MINE! What that basically means is that he has to ask before playing with anyone else, and that he has to do as I tell him to do. So nothing major.

I haven't had a sub in almost a year. I haven't had a working relationship with a sub for well over a year. It feels really good to have a sub again. Someone I can call mine. Someone to protect and caress and hurt and humiliate. Someone with whom I can again experience all the intense pleasures and pains of BDSM, all the bondage, and all the joy. Oh, the joy. Vanilla is well and good, and very much something I enjoy... But nothing comes even close to the joy and the intensity of BDSM. And I plan to enjoy it to the fullest.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

No pussyfooting!

The party was good enough, though not great. We arrived late, having seen a wrestiling show first. When we got there, there was maybe 15 people present. A miserable small crowd, even for a regular munch, and this was a weekend party. That's just tragic! A few more people trickled inn within the next hour and a half, and we probably passed 25 people at the end of the night, but some left early so we were never that many people present in the main room at once.

Jump was already there when we arrived, and he was sitting with some other people. I'm pleased that he didn't just end up in a corner all my himself, he's so shy that such a scenario is fairly likely. We chatted with the people there, including Jump, for about an hour. Jump only spoke directly to me or my husband, never to the gathering as a whole. So we still have A LOT of work to do there. I despair at him sometimes, I really don't know what to do. Shy people isn't my strong point, I just want to shake them and yell "snap out of it!". Intelectually I know that if I indulged in such an impulse, I'd only make their shyness worse. So I try to be patient, I really do, it's just so... Frustrating!

After an hour, Saint arrived. I made him sit on the floor in front of me, his back towards me, and threw my legs over his shoulders, effectively using him as a sort of foot rest. We socialized for another half an hour, and most of my focus was on Saint. Then I put a collar and leash on him and made him walk on all fours as we moved to the private play room. The room was ours for an hour, but that wasn't enough, so after the hours was up we walked out (him blindfolded and led by a leash) into a public play area to finish off. Half an hour or so later, we were done playing, and another fourtyfive minutes later we were both back to a semi-equilibrium. So in total, we're talking over two hours away from the rest of the party.

Afterwards, I was debriefing Saint out in the mingling area. Jump was sitting next to me, caressing my back and shoulders. He wanted more than that, and I had to push him away occationally, because I was just SO not in the mood for his needy, passive, pseudo-topping. To be clear, he was only stroking and petting me, and just wanted more of that (and soe kissing, probably). But I couldn't take it. I was in a very toppy headspace myself, and couldn't take him trying to pussyfoot his way above me. This sentiment persisted after the party was over, and he came home with me. We slept in the same bed that night, and I was really very tired. But if I'd been in a different mood, we probably would have fooled around a bit anyway. Regardless of how tired I was. As it was, we talked for a bit, then I pushed him away and went to sleep.

I feel terrible about all this. He doesn't know that many people in the scene yet. He's really shy and unconfident (is that even a word?), and not only did I abandon him for a couple of hours, I also didn't want him touching me when I was back. He KNEW that I would be playing with someone else at the party, so I don't feel THAT bad about doing so. But I feel bad for my mood afterwards. And yet I don't know what to do about it.

I started thinking, maybe I can't switch at all? But I know I CAN switch... However, when I'm in such a toppy headspace, I can't make myself switch. I have to be MADE to switch. But Jump and I don't do that. He's a Top, in the sense that he enjoys being the active part, enjoys having me recieve. I'm not a sub to him, not at all, but I can be a bottom. Just not that night.

What would it take, for me to switch down from my toppy pedestal? If he'd grabbed ahold of me when I got back, grabbed me forcefully and with confidence... If he'd told me in no uncertain terms that it was his turn now, and dragged me away, then yes. Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If I'd believed him at all, and not just laughed at him. If he could whipe that grin off my face, using some physical force and stern dicipline. Then maybe. He'd have one hell of a fight, trying to get me down from my VERY toppy headplace. But it would have been POSSIBLE. But then I'd not just been a bottom, there would have been something more. And we don't do that.

He can't. He just hasn't got the confidence to pull something like that off. I've never seen him angry, and he doesn't drink so I've never seen him drunk... But I don't think there is such a forceful person in him. I don't think he CAN be forcefull with his hands, I don't think he's able to speak to me sternly and be taken seriously. He doesn't even take himself seriously, so how could I? This all sadens me. Because my headspace isn't his fault, he was prepared to have some fun with me. And yet he didn't get any, because of me. It's my fault.

So I'm trying to figure out how to avoid these situations in the future. I think the easiest plan would be to not have Jump and Saint at the same parties. Or if they are, that I only play/fool around with one of them. However, I don't know if that will be enough. I know the endorphine rush of a good play sesssion can linger for days. I'll play with Saint tomorrow. I'll see Jump on Wednesday. How will that work out? Will I be able to handle Jumps passive, uncertain shyness then, or will it just annoy me? I don't know.

I want to make this work, but I'm not sure how.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

A devil and a Saint

In case you didn't get it, the devil in the title is me. As a Dom/Sadist. :)

Today, I played with a guy I've named Saint. It's our second time, the first was on his first visit to our BDSM club, and he was just another one of those random new guys I've played with lately. Back then, it was just physical, he couldn't relax enough for me to get into his head. Since then, we've seen eachother once (a trip to the movies with a bunch of kinky people), but more importany he's gotten a lot more comfortable in his own skin. He's gotten to know more people at the club, talked to people about his kinks, seen more kinky stuff and generally gotten more comfortable at the club. That helped.

Today, I got into his head. It all played out more or less like I wanted, I was able to read him fairly well and got him into the soaring, calm, pleasant headspace where I wanted him. He'd never experienced anything close to subspace before, and was absolutely thrilled at the experience.

It's probably the best experience I've had as a Dominant for... Ages. Months, probably. And the best part is, I'll see him again this weekend at a party at the club. Jump is also coming to that party, which is going to be an... Interesting mix of people. Jump becomes more top-y, almost possessive, when he's surrounded by other kinksters. So yeah, that'll be a switching night, for me. I'll let you know how it goes. :)

Jump opening up

I'm still seeing War, but there's nothing new there. I'm also still seeing Jump, I'm seeing quite a lot of him actually. And there has been developments. He's been alone for such a large part of his life, and there's all these walls around him to protect him. Unfortunately that means he's unconsciously pushing people away, me included. I've been unable to read his thoughts and emotions, he keeps everything covered up inside. This has made me more unsure of him, and it's made me feel uncomfortable around him.

We had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend. He spent three days with me, and I confronted him with my thought and feelings on this subject. It ended up with him crying in my arms. He's never done that with anyone before and I'm glad he trusted me enough to truly let go. There are still some walls I need to get through, but this really helped a lot. I felt a lot closer to him for the rest of that weekend, and a lot more comfortable around him. If he manages to continue letting me into his head, and generally trusting me and being honest with me, I think we'll have some great times ahead of us. I'm getting close to taking this a step further, intimacy wise.

To my surprise, Jump isn't as vanilla as I thought. He's fairly experimental, which is fun. And somewhere, deep inside that shy, insecure, lonely man, is a Dom. Or at least a decent Top. And THAT'S fun. He's way too inexperienced yet to get into my head, there's so many techniques he's lacking and he isn't skilled at reading people. His low confidence is getting in the way. But as a top he keeps improving. He just needs someone willing to trust him, which I am (up to a point). So yeah, a lot of fun times ahead, I hope. :)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Go ahead and Jump

Yes, the title is a reference to a song I heard in the tv-series Glee. You can see the video here. It's kind of silly, I know. :P Guilty pleasure.

Two quick updates:

I did a photoshooot last weekend, together with Tight. It really reminded me how much fun it is to play with him. We did a bit of light playing, but when you're performing in front of a camera, it's not a real, full play session.

I wanted him to spend the night with me, and he wanted to as well, but his new girlfriend (Flower, whom I've talked about before) didn't want that. Saw him again yesterday, again hoping that we could have a proper session. Again, Flower said no. I don't know why she's so possessive/jelous. It's not as if she's got anything to fear from me. She's giving him something that I never can: Love. Shouldn't that make her feel secure enough?

Damn, how I miss playing with someone I know! Someone whom I can read, and whom I can play like an instrument. His every breath, his every sound, the tension of minute muscles in his face and arms, they all give away information. Having him under my fingers felt just lovely, and I miss him. Sure, there are aspects I don't miss. We probably won't be play partners again, ever. But the occationall session would have been really, really sweet.

I still have a vanilla relationship with War. He's my lover, and has been for quite some time now. I have recently gotten the keys to his appartement. I feel so comfortable with him, and with our arangement. There's very little thrill, very litte developpement, in what we do and how we interract. But it's nice. It's tender. And it's very, very good. There are some things/techniques we've just given up, he doesn't have the patience to learn them and/or I'm unable to teach them. But the rest... Damn, he's become good in bed! He REALLY has learnt how to turn me on. It took a while, but man... It was worth it. And all that without BDSM. I'm still amazed by that, frankly.

Since we're both so busy, we don't see eachother much. I still spend a night or two there a week, but usually I arrive so late that he's already gone to bed. So not much time for any action, or anything at all really. That's a pitty, but it's life.

I'll have even less time now, because I've started flirting with a friend of War as well. I'll name him Jump. It was actually War who planted the idea in the first place, so I'm blaming him. :P Just like War, Jump has had very few, and fairly bad, experiences with women. His confidence is low. He's a nerd. He's very intelligent, with an interesting personality and is genuinely a good person.

But just like War, he's so socially inept that these great traits are difficult to discover. And just like War, he triggers the "renovator" in me. :P I want to help this guy, and I think I can do him some good! However, unlike War it seems that Jump has a genuine wish to change. He's made some pretty major changes in his life over the past couple of years, and is in a process where he's getting more confident and more used to being around (non-nerdy) women. Hopefully, I can build on the great work he's already done.

I've been flirting with Jump for a couple of months, but since we've met so rarely there's not been much to it. However, after War planted the idea of me taking it a step or five further, I've started stepping it up. The last couple of weeks have had more frequent encounters, and it culminated in last Tuesday when he came to the BDSM club with me.

He let me blindfold him and tie him to a wall. I was surprised he let me do that to him, and didn't just bolt. He looked like that's what he wanted to do. I stroked and petted his neck, back and chest, both outside and inside his clothing. Turning him around, I asked if I could kiss him and was granted permission to do so. More petting ensued. After having untied him, we fondled and kissed some more. He got a taste of my tits as well.

It all stayed above the belt, meaning it was fairly innocent by my standards, but it gave him a craving for more. Unfortunately, he's just as busy (if not busier) than War, so we won't get to see eachother that often either. We have a "date" (for want of a better word) of Friday the 18th... That was the first day we found where we were both available!

So yeah, not much happening on the BDSM front, but interesting things happening in the world of vanilla.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

A line of random guys, passing by in the night

I've been to practically every BDSM event since I got back into the scene. I've played with some guy at practically every event. Usually a different one each time. There is, for once, no lack of male subs. And yet, I miss that feeling of sparks and fireworks that I got when I first played with Tight. In other words: All these random people, and not one of them is someone I forsee having as MY sub in any near future.

Maybe I'm just not in the right headspace. I noticed, today at the munch, that I'm playing by rote. I'm even picking up subs on rote. There's not much exhitement, not much fun, not much of a challenge. And there's nothing new. I've done it all, seen it all. I feel faded, like a worn out reciet.

Sure, the playing is fun. It's not that I don't enjoy it, per say... But in the end, I feel empty. Worn. Used. Even though I was doing the using, or so it seemed. I assume this is the way people feel after one-night stands..? Never had one of those, so I wouldn't know.

If I met some of those guys again in 6 months, I probably wouldn't recognize them. We are strangers, passing in the night. They don't mean much to me, but I guess it's better than to have no one to play with at all. Why would I go to events, if not to play? Socialize is something I can do elsewhere, at other times. In itself, it's not enough. But then neither is this life that I'm living right now.

Perhaps I'm just not in the right headspace. Perhaps there's something wrong with me. Something lacking. Lost my mojo, maybe?

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Unable to properly dominate?

As I'm writing this, I'm on my way into a top drop. My writings will probably be coloured by this vulnerable emotional state. Writing is my way of dealing with it. It helps me to structure my thoughts and deal with what I'm going through. It's been a long time since I dropped last, but at least this time I recognize it for what it is and am dealing with it.

I was back at our BDSM club tonight, and played with yet another person I haven't played with before. He's a lot older than me, almost twice my age. He's got a lot of kink experience, but not that much from the bottom/submissive side of it all. And most importantly for this blog post, he's got the attention span of a three year old. I think (I hope!) it comes from being new to the scene (which he is) and very enthousiastic about all the people and kink he's gotten to know. Or maybe it's just the way he always is...

Whatever the case may be, I tried to do my normal negotiation routine with him, and it just didn't work. He wouldn't sit still and be focused enough for me to ever finish that conversation. So I just dragged him into play, put a blindfold on him, and THEN negotiated (kind of). By removing the sensory input, I helped him to stay focused on me, and it kind of worked. We played for a while, he's a heavy masochist who can take A LOT of pain.

It was terribly hot in the room, and eventually I had to stop because I just felt dehydrated and dizzy. We talked a bit afterwards, and stayed together for most of the night. And yet I didn't feel like we had proper aftercare. I think partially, that's because I wasn't able to keep him in the sub-mode for much more than a few minutes at a time. He kept bobbing up to an equlibrium again and again, and I wasn't "feeling" him well enough to keep him down. Mostly, I just couldn't think of stuff to do that would be within what we'd (sort of) negotiated. So not being in, and ending in, a sub-mode, the aftercare wasn't the cooling down period I'm used to. There was no cuddling, no proper transition scene. We just went from "on" to "off". Sort of.

And I think this is the reason why I'm top dropping now. I didn't get the aftercare I needed, and I feel that it's my fault for being a... I don't know... a faulty dominant. If I'd "done my job" properly, then he'd gotten down into sub mode and stayed down. I didn't, so he didn't. He kept giving me all kinds of compliments, telling me it had been wonderful and that I was wonderful. He even said he'd learnt things from me, things he'd use the next time he was on the top. He didn't complain about anything, he didn't give a single critisism. And yet... And yet I don't feel like I was good enough.

It's weird. I felt this way when I played with EG last week as well. Like I wasn't the one really in control, like I wasn't dominant enough. Or wasn't good enough at being dominant, is perhaps a better description. For some reason, I did NOT feel this as much when I played with this slave on Saturday. Never met him before either, he's a new guy from out of town. Very much into humiliation and being a slave, not that much into pain or bondage which I thought were more my things. Yet we played, because I had no one else to play with, and it was enjoyable. I still don't feel 100% comfortable with humilitation, but I learnt a lot from playing with Tight and I felt that I made it work. Even though I still felt I wasn't as good as I could have been, at least I didn't feel THIS insecure.

So I don't know what this is... Am I unable to play with socially strong guys, is that it? Do I need someone who crawls for me from the get-go? Or am I perhaps just unable to properly dominate someone? When did I loose this ability (I know I used to have it) and how the FUCK can I get it back?!?

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

...and now I'm back?

I've been to our local BDSM club a couple of times this spring, but I didn't particularly enjoy it. Usually, it was just for practical reasons, like to hand over something someone had forgotten at my place or some other triviality. Sure, it's nice seeing people again, but none of those people are particularly close to me. Those who are, I meet elsewhere at other times during the week.

I've always said that I go to clubs mainly to play. Meeting people is secondary, at the most. Yet I went to a munch yesterday, and it WAS mainly for meeting people. I had to intention of finding anyone to play with. Honestly, I didn't think I'd have the interest.

The place was packed, and after waching a decent enough suspension show, the mood in the room made me  want to tie someone up. I'd mentioned to a few friends that I wasn't looking, but "if you dump a sub in my lap, I'll take him". I'd been talking to this guy for a few minutes (I'll call him EG for now), in what felt almost like an interview (me getting interviewed). But when I heard he had a "thing" with this other dominant woman I know, I figured he was out of my reach. I mentioned this, laughingly, to a friend as we were all standing together, and he denied being "taken" in such a way. He was nobody's property, he assured me.

So I asked if that ment he was offering himself up to me, and he confirmed that it was. I found him slightly intimidating, as he gave off this west-side, privately schooled, posh, know-it-all vibe. And I knew he was a switch, so I thought he might be more difficult to get to submit than the subs I've played with in the past. All in all, I was far from confident.

I went ahead and did it anyway. I tied him up, touched and scrached and tickled him. Bit and licked his neck and chest. Held him, and mandhandled him and pushed him out of balance. The way I often play with someone new. His responses were wonderful, but I had real trouble letting go. I felt clumsy, out of practice. My ropes got tangled, my knots didn't do what I wanted them to, I felt stupid and embarassed over this sub-par performance. Yet he was graceful, complementing me when we were done and ignoring my complaints that I knew I could do better. He also said he'd like to play with me again. So maybe I wasn't as bad as I felt I was.

We talked for a while, but the club was closing so I offered to drive him home to get a chance to talk some more. Once we got back to his place, he invited me in. And then we talked some more. I was getting very tired and had the most aweful head ache, so he offered to let me sleep over. I accepted, hoping my impression of him as a good guy would hold the entire night.

It did. He didn't attempt anything, even though we shared a 120cm wide bed. He was a gracious host. He was kind. And he's left me wondering. I'd sure like to play with him again, but I have real problems getting a handle on him. Probably it's because I don't feel superior to him, like I have my other subs. On the contrary, he makes me feel inferior. I'm younger (he's 38), and I've got much less experince than him in the real world. And even though I've been a part of the BDSM scene for years, whilst he joined in May, I don't feel as that counts for anything either. He's good at playing up his strong sides, making light of his weak sides, and I'm not.

It doesn't feel like I can manipulate this guy, I don't feel like I have any kind of edge..  So if I can hold on to my ideal of being his equal then I'll be thrilled, and don't wish to see myself as his inferior. My problem right now is that I haven't seen any weaknesses in him. And since I'm SO aware of my own, that means I can't really take him seriously as a human being just yet. So far, I've just seen the facade, the mask that he presents to the world. He's a bit too smooth, a bit too good at everything, for me to buy into him just yet.

So we'll see what happens. We'll probably play another time or two. But if he doesn't open up to me, if he doesn't let me get beneath that mask, then it probably won't get any further. At least that's my thoughts at the moment.

A slight addendum:  It WAS fun to play again. Even being out of practice as I was, even playing with someone new that I didn't have a pre-established rapport with, just getting a taste of what BDSM could be... And it was awesome! An hour after we'd finished, and I still felt high as a kite. I'd truly forgotten how much of a head trip BDSM could be, how breath taking and glorous and all out great it could be. And if this is how it felt like when I felt out of form and insecure... I can't even imagine what it COULD be!

Six months of hiatus...

Not long after my previous blog entry, I edited my profile on Fetlife and added the following message:
"Note: I'm having a temporary hiatus from Fetlife and all things kink. Hopefully, I'll be back in not too long."

And from December 2012 (or really, kind of, October 2012) until now, this was true. At first, I was too depressed to care. No interest for anything, especially no interest in things that required me to give anything of myself. And that's what I do in BDSM, particularly when I'm on Top: I give of my energy and time and mental/emotional resources. As it was, I didn't have enough of those to make everyday life work, so obviously kink was not a priority.

As I started working my way out of the depression, as spring arrived and started warming into summer, I also developped a different relationship. A vanilla relationship. I've mentioned War previously, as this guy I've been flirting with. We started fooling around, casually and infrequently, in September 2011. By November 2012 it became something a bit more, and I think I used him to replace Tight, though the whole vanilla thing was really weird.

Since then, we've taken things further sexually and seen eachother a lot more frequently. I didn't think I'd handle the vanilla, that I'd grow tired of him. But apparently, this was just what I needed: Cuddling, attention and no expectations. No pressure to give anything, and no blaim if I didn't have the energy to perform. In other words, it's been a lot easier having a lover than a submissive, as the sub/dom relationship is a more needy and demanding one.

My body was also able to adjust to the lack of BDSM, which was surprising and made me somewhat relieved. I CAN get turned on without BDSM. It takes more work, more technique maybe, and doesn't turn me on as strongly as BDSM does. But it does work. It took a few months of fooling around to get my subconcious mind wrapped around the idea, but then something suddenly went "click" in my head. And now he can get me almost as soaking wet as a BDSM session can.

I've tried bringing War to our local BDSM club a couple of times, but he can't really handle it. He freezes up when he sees people engaged in play, he's stressed by his surroundings, he doesn't feel comfortable and he's lousy at small-talk when he's stressed out. In the end, it's simply not his kink, and I shouldn't try to force him into it. However, having a lover who's not in the BDSM scene also means that he doesn't really know how to deal with those sides of me that are into BDSM. We've experimentet a bit, but like I said.. It's just not his kink. It will be interesting to see how this developpes once I get back into the BDSM scene again.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tight has moved on

It's over between me and Tight. He ended it about a week ago.

I've been struggling with depression, and so haven't had the energy to see him or even talk to him much the last four months. So I knew it was comming, really. And I knew we needed to split up, it's the best for both of us. And I'm really relieved I didn't have to initiate that conversation.

 So I'm not sad, really, as I was prepared for it. But I was kind of melancholy about it. Thoughtful, kind of. The fact that he's gotten himself a serious relationship makes it better, actually. We haven't only drifted appart, but he's drifted TO something. And that makes me happy for him, as I want the best for him. So yeah, not sad but definitly thoughtful....

Ten things I look for in a submissive

Two fabulous bloggs, Lipstick and Ligature and Unrepentant Fatty, have been collecting the 10 things women look for in a submissive partner and the 10 things men look for in a dominant partner. The results for the dominant women have been published, so I suggest you go over to Lipstick and Ligature and read it. :)

For those of you just currious about me, here's what I wrote:

The ten things I look for in a submissive are:

1.Interest in me. (I won’t play with someone, at least not several times, who just want to be played with. I want him to want ME, not just “someone”.)

2.Emotional and mental stability (that doesn’t mean I won’t play with someone who’s got a depression, but it does mean I need it to be STABLE. Predictable. See “Self sufficent” below.)

3.Self sufficency (He should have his own life and be able to live it without my support or help. I’m not his mother or his nurse or his piggy-bank. Nor is he mine.)

4.Good non-verbal communications (I can read most people’s body language just fine, but have encountered some people whom I simply can’t understand. If I can’t understand them, I can’t play with them.)

5.Good verbal communications (We need to be able to talk to one another and make ourselves understood. If we communicate in very different ways, that might be a problem.)

6.Overlapping BDSM-interests (BDSM is a wide field. We don’t have to enjoy exactly the same things, but there must be some overlap.)

7.Overlapping expectations and goals for the BDSM-relationship (If you’re looking for a 24/7-thing, or someone you can move in with, or someone to fulfill your stereotype porn-fantasy, I’m not the domme you’re looking for. If the expectations and goals don’t overlap from the start, they better get clear pretty soon, see “verbal communications” above.)

8.Willingness to trust me and explore BDSM along with me (if you have your thing and won’t ever try anything else, how will we grow and develop?)

9.Likeable person (We should be able to interact in a non-BDSM setting. He should be a “good guy”: Kind, helpful, a sense of humor etc.)

10.Overlapping playing style (I’m not someone who stand three feet away, wielding a whip with a stone cold expression on my face. I love to touch and taste and smell, I laugh and smile and enjoy what I do. I need cuddles and closeness when it’s all over. If that’s not a style you can live with, then we can’t play.)