Not long after my previous blog entry, I edited my profile on Fetlife and added the following message:
"Note: I'm having a temporary hiatus from Fetlife and all things kink. Hopefully, I'll be back in not too long."
And from December 2012 (or really, kind of, October 2012) until now, this was true. At first, I was too depressed to care. No interest for anything, especially no interest in things that required me to give anything of myself. And that's what I do in BDSM, particularly when I'm on Top: I give of my energy and time and mental/emotional resources. As it was, I didn't have enough of those to make everyday life work, so obviously kink was not a priority.
As I started working my way out of the depression, as spring arrived and started warming into summer, I also developped a different relationship. A vanilla relationship. I've mentioned War previously, as this guy I've been flirting with. We started fooling around, casually and infrequently, in September 2011. By November 2012 it became something a bit more, and I think I used him to replace Tight, though the whole vanilla thing was really weird.
Since then, we've taken things further sexually and seen eachother a lot more frequently. I didn't think I'd handle the vanilla, that I'd grow tired of him. But apparently, this was just what I needed: Cuddling, attention and no expectations. No pressure to give anything, and no blaim if I didn't have the energy to perform. In other words, it's been a lot easier having a lover than a submissive, as the sub/dom relationship is a more needy and demanding one.
My body was also able to adjust to the lack of BDSM, which was surprising and made me somewhat relieved. I CAN get turned on without BDSM. It takes more work, more technique maybe, and doesn't turn me on as strongly as BDSM does. But it does work. It took a few months of fooling around to get my subconcious mind wrapped around the idea, but then something suddenly went "click" in my head. And now he can get me almost as soaking wet as a BDSM session can.
I've tried bringing War to our local BDSM club a couple of times, but he can't really handle it. He freezes up when he sees people engaged in play, he's stressed by his surroundings, he doesn't feel comfortable and he's lousy at small-talk when he's stressed out. In the end, it's simply not his kink, and I shouldn't try to force him into it. However, having a lover who's not in the BDSM scene also means that he doesn't really know how to deal with those sides of me that are into BDSM. We've experimentet a bit, but like I said.. It's just not his kink. It will be interesting to see how this developpes once I get back into the BDSM scene again.