As I'm writing this, I'm on my way into a top drop. My writings will probably be coloured by this vulnerable emotional state. Writing is my way of dealing with it. It helps me to structure my thoughts and deal with what I'm going through. It's been a long time since I dropped last, but at least this time I recognize it for what it is and am dealing with it.
I was back at our BDSM club tonight, and played with yet another person I haven't played with before. He's a lot older than me, almost twice my age. He's got a lot of kink experience, but not that much from the bottom/submissive side of it all. And most importantly for this blog post, he's got the attention span of a three year old. I think (I hope!) it comes from being new to the scene (which he is) and very enthousiastic about all the people and kink he's gotten to know. Or maybe it's just the way he always is...
Whatever the case may be, I tried to do my normal negotiation routine with him, and it just didn't work. He wouldn't sit still and be focused enough for me to ever finish that conversation. So I just dragged him into play, put a blindfold on him, and THEN negotiated (kind of). By removing the sensory input, I helped him to stay focused on me, and it kind of worked. We played for a while, he's a heavy masochist who can take A LOT of pain.
It was terribly hot in the room, and eventually I had to stop because I just felt dehydrated and dizzy. We talked a bit afterwards, and stayed together for most of the night. And yet I didn't feel like we had proper aftercare. I think partially, that's because I wasn't able to keep him in the sub-mode for much more than a few minutes at a time. He kept bobbing up to an equlibrium again and again, and I wasn't "feeling" him well enough to keep him down. Mostly, I just couldn't think of stuff to do that would be within what we'd (sort of) negotiated. So not being in, and ending in, a sub-mode, the aftercare wasn't the cooling down period I'm used to. There was no cuddling, no proper transition scene. We just went from "on" to "off". Sort of.
And I think this is the reason why I'm top dropping now. I didn't get the aftercare I needed, and I feel that it's my fault for being a... I don't know... a faulty dominant. If I'd "done my job" properly, then he'd gotten down into sub mode and stayed down. I didn't, so he didn't. He kept giving me all kinds of compliments, telling me it had been wonderful and that I was wonderful. He even said he'd learnt things from me, things he'd use the next time he was on the top. He didn't complain about anything, he didn't give a single critisism. And yet... And yet I don't feel like I was good enough.
It's weird. I felt this way when I played with EG last week as well. Like I wasn't the one really in control, like I wasn't dominant enough. Or wasn't good enough at being dominant, is perhaps a better description. For some reason, I did NOT feel this as much when I played with this slave on Saturday. Never met him before either, he's a new guy from out of town. Very much into humiliation and being a slave, not that much into pain or bondage which I thought were more my things. Yet we played, because I had no one else to play with, and it was enjoyable. I still don't feel 100% comfortable with humilitation, but I learnt a lot from playing with Tight and I felt that I made it work. Even though I still felt I wasn't as good as I could have been, at least I didn't feel THIS insecure.
So I don't know what this is... Am I unable to play with socially strong guys, is that it? Do I need someone who crawls for me from the get-go? Or am I perhaps just unable to properly dominate someone? When did I loose this ability (I know I used to have it) and how the FUCK can I get it back?!?