Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Next time? A good thing?

Speaking of "next time". Last weekend I flirted with a guy whom I'm naming Arthur (obviously not his real name, but a reference to the mythical king Athur). We'd been working together for some time, planning a social event, and had gotten to know eachother.

He's a nice, intelligent, clever guy who shares many of my interests. He's not into BDSM, but for the occational, casual flirt/fling, that doesn't really bother me. I like how he looks, how he thinks and how he acts. He's helpful, kind and interesting.

Of course, he's also fairly mentally unstable, but I guess you can't have it all... He struggles in social situations (though not as much as he apparently seems to think) and he struggles with depression/anxiety and low self-esteem. He hadn't hooked up with a girl for some time, or even gotten much attention or cuddles, so I thought I could do him some good. He's a nice guy and he deserves to have good things happen to him. (Yeah, I'm cocky enough to call myself a "good thing", in this context. Haha.) Besides, I was fascinated by him and wanted to get to know him better.

After having cleared things with both Saint and T, I met Arthur again today. We'd spoked extensively beforehand, about expectations and what we wanted/didn't want from a potential hook-up. As things stand right now, I think we're in agreement that this is a casual, occational, fun thing. Nothing long lasting, no formal relationship, no love or other loving emotions, and no actual penis-in-vagina sex. (Of course, I also thought that I'd cleared things with War, and then all of a sudden things weren't so clear.) I just have to cross my fingers and hope that we're on the same page.

Fooling around with Arthur today was fun. He's got a gorgeous dick, which was wonderfull to handle with both my hands and my mouth (I really, really love dicks). He's got significant skills with his fingers, and he's good at listening to my signals and instructions. I found him difficult to read, and the lack of any BDSM-dynamic was unfamiliar and took some getting used to. But in the end that didn't really matter, and both ended up naked, sweaty and satisfied.

Confusingly, I'm also nervous that he doesn't really want me. I mean, I know he wants something from someone, but I know that he doesn't desire me specifically. He's practically admitted as much. I don't know if that really matters, or if it should matter... Like I said, I think he should experience good things, and it shouldn't really matter to me wether he wants me specifically or if I'm just satisfying a need. But on the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm just being used, or that I'm compteley interchangeable with anyone else. To be fair, I can't really blame him for any of this, as I'm the one who threw myself on him, not the other way around. If he's just grabbing the oportunity, regardless of who I am, then I guess that should be fine. I guess I need to work on that for a bit, as I'm not 100% fine with being completely interchangable. But that's not his problem, nor his responsibility. That's all on me.

I hope that he's ok with what we've done, and that he keeps being ok with it. To be truthful, I don't know exactly how mentally stable or unstable he is. And I don't know how much damage my pushing and prodding has done.

I want to do people good. Not hurt them or make them worse. And what happened to Corvus still terrifies me. He seemed fairly fine, and a few months later he was a suicidal mess. I'm not convinced that I left War in a better place than he was when we started either. Some days, I think I did, and some days I think I didn't. I wand to do good.

I want to help people, make them stronger and better than they were before they met me. And I'm terrified that I'm making people worse.

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