Monday, April 18, 2016

Brutal polyamory bloody hurts

Where do I even begin?

I've named the new guy Giant. (Because he's tall, and we've talked a lot about his height. Not for any other reason. Get your mind out of the gutter! (On the other hand, this is a sex blog. So feel free to stay in the gutter. Haha.)) I told Saint that I'd been flirting with Giant, and had planned to meet Giant and play with him. Saint and I are in agreement that I can play with other people. He knows I'm polyamorous, and that I'm not sexually "faithful" to him and/or T.

But knowing and feeling are two different things. So initially, he didn't take it well. He usually doesn't. Every time I wish to play with someone else, it's a struggle. He gets convinced that I'll find someone "better" and leave him. He gets depressed and struggles with his self image. On one hand, I don't want him to have to hide what he feels. On the other hand, hurting him really hurts me.

I hate hurting him like that. I hate this struggle, and how I always have to weigh my wishes and desires up against his well-being. In the end, that means that I don't always play with people that I could have. Or would have. Because it's not worth the struggle, it's not worth it to me. I can't handle feeling like such an asshole, for what amounts to maybe an hour or two of play.

This means that I work at curbing my natural inclinations. On one hand, that's not a bad thing. Being in a relationship means making compromises. I compromise by not playing with people, so that Saint doesn't get hurt. The first year we were together, I didn't play with anyone else at all. However, by making these compromises (usually without even telling him), I play with others more rarely. That means he doesn't get used to it. I almost never give him the opportunity to actually handle his emotions and get over them. He doesn't get to grow and evolve. So really, by being kind to him, I'm doing him a disservice.

A blogger than I greatly admire, Ferrett Steinmetz, wrote about this here. He says you should be brutally polyamorous, even from the start, so that your new partner never gets used to a status quo where you appear to be monogamous. Because knowing and feeling are two different things, just like I've explained above.

This means I should be more callous. More selfish. But that's so hard to do! I love him, and don't want to see him hurt. So doing what's best for him, and ultimately best for me, means hurting him and hurting me. Polyamory isn't just complicated. It blood hurts!

2 comments:

  1. I can find myself in this!! it can be so complicated and really, really painful!! strange thing is: we BOTH feel this way, and switch those emotions over and over and over again...
    really exhausting!!
    is it worth the struggle? what's the compomise? To close one's self and not be open and not let the love flow? I keep on hoping, there is light at the end of this tearing down, brutally , bloody struggle :p
    it's nice to know , finally, a blog that write's about the pain conflicted with this kind of lifestyle!

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    1. Thank you for your comment.
      Yes, I believe there is light at the end. At least we (my boys and I) are doing better now than we did when I wrote this. It just takes work. But it's SO worth it.
      Hang in there, my anonymous friend. :)

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