Sunday, April 24, 2016


Donald left around half past eleven. I spent some time tidying and making myself something to eat. I then spoke with Saint on Skype, chatted with Donald a bit when he got home, and had a chat with Arthur. I wrote the previous blog entry, and was about to go to bed. I was tired, but otherwise fine.

And then, at 01:57am, I crashed. A very physical feeling of change, I went from "just fine" to "bottomless sorrow" in the blink of an eye. Curling up on the couch, crying and shivering. It's now 02:02am, and while I'm far from "well", I'm a bit better.

I have this immense craving for a hug, for someone to hold me. Craving not having to be strong, or knowledgable or in control. I'm not craving being a sub, I just very clearly do NOT want to be a dom right now. The problem is, I'm all alone. T is away to a cabin with lots of kinky friends, Saint is at his place (and I shouldn't be out driving in this state anyway), and there's really nobody else I can call or go see at this hour. Even Giant is traveling this weekend, thus not available.

I'm telling myself, this is just chemistry. This is a domdrop. I know this, I've had this before. I always have a drop after playing with Donald, because we play so heavily and strongly. I was actually expecting this to happen, or something very similar. It usually does.

(The complete lack of intimacy with him is actually exaggerating my tendency to drop. He's snapping out of sub mode so quickly, there's not much cuddling afterwards, not much physical aftercare. I prefer more physical closeness after play, more cuddles. I find that it makes me somewhat less likely to drop.)

Usually, when I'm in this mood, I make myself a cup of tea. Then I cuddle up on the couch, under a blanket, and watch a shitty feel-good movie. Problem is, I'm just too tired for that right now. In stead, I'll try to just go to bed. The chemical imbalance will mostly have righted itself by the morning, and I'll be back to my normal, unstable self again.

Assuming I'm able to sleep.

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