Thursday, April 21, 2016

Goals for sub developement

Like any new sub, Giant is growing and changing between each encounter. Though I can't really change him, I can help steer his development in the direction I prefer. I have three main goals for his development (for now):

The first goal is that I want him to accept my control over him. I want to teach him to make my desires his priority, and to accept my rules and limitations.

The first time we played, he was very clear that he wanted to orgasm. It was unthinkable for him that we would do something sexual that wouldn't lead to his climax. I ended up giving him the orgasm he wanted, but I did it for him. Because I was afraid to let him down, afraid he wouldn't want me if he didn't get exactly what he wanted. I didn't do it because I wanted to, I wasn't even particularly interested in it. I often play without anyone having orgasms, and I enjoy making the sub horny and mildly frustrated. It's fun for me, and it prolongs the pleasure for them and makes them more sensitive.

So this time, he didn't get an orgasm. I decided that he might be permitted to reach orgasm during some other play session sometime. But not until he stops viewing it as a prerogative. When we play, we will do it my way, by my rules. Don't get me wrong: I love giving people pleasure, and I enjoy making people orgasm, but it should happen when and because I want it to.  (When we aren't together and aren't playing, he is of course at liberty to orgasm as much or as little as he wants. I don't try to control the rest of his life, only the time we spend together.)

Orgasms are just a small part of the whole "I'm in control"-thing. But it's a powerful and hopefully efficient example. When I left him last night, I think he'd gotten the idea.

The second goal is to let out his submissive masochist side and nurture it.
When we first started talking, he sounded like a bottom. He wanted to experience pegging and bondage. That was it. But the more we talked, the more questions I asked, the more a submissive side started to show. He didn't just want to experience things, he wanted to be controlled by someone else. He didn't just want to be tied down and fucked, he wanted to not have a choice. This sounds a lot like submissive fantasies, to me. Last time, I discovered that he had this submissive side. However, he wasn't aware of it, and didn't recognize it when I tried to explain it.

This time, we got a bit further down that road. He's discovered that being placed in situations he doesn't like, or being denied something he wants, can be pretty sweet. Because it enforces the power imbalance and makes his position as a powerless plaything more clear. He's also discovered the inherent power of some body positions. For example, I had him kneel on the floor, face down and ass up. This made him feel vulnerable and not in control, and that in turn made him horny.

Giant has also been very clear that he doesn't like pain. I challenged this last time by pinching his nipples and biting on his earlobes a bit. Nothing very painful, just enough to give a sting. He enjoyed that, to his surprise. Yesterday, I also tied him up in a hog tie and gave him a light spanking.

I'd been hesitant to hit him in any way, but wanted to chance it because I wanted Giant to experience as much as possible. I viewed it as possible that he might not like it, but also equally possible that he might. No way to know if I didn't try.

And he loved it. Not the pain in itself, but the warmth that spreads after each stroke. I used my hand to demonstrate stingy pain, and a short wooden club to demonstrate thuddy pain. He prefered my hand, because he wanted the heat in the skin. The thud of the club went deeper into the muscle, and didn't give the same stingy warmth. He was very surprised that pain could make him horny. I wasn't as surprised, but I was very happy to help him make this discovery. After all, I'm a sadist. I enjoy giving pain, and in the long run having to restrain my sadistic desires would have been a bit boring. I wish to experiment further with spanking, teach him about different implements and techniques and see how far I can push him.

The third goal is to make him better at communicating. This is somewhat of a paradox, because I've previously praised his communication skills. And he IS good at communication, generally. Before we start playing, he's witty and intelligent and has a rich vocabulary. But there is room for improvement:

During play, he's much less verbal. This isn't really a problem, as long as his non-verbal communication is clear. But sometimes, I get the impression that he's holding back. Afraid to make noise, maybe. Not sure. Having to focus on limiting himself, he keeps part of himself back. He doesn't let go as completely as I know he could have. I want him to feel free to be spontaneous, without fear of consequences.

After play, even several hours later, he's still not very verbal. He becomes introspective and works on self-analysis. This is, in itself, not a problem either. But I dislike being excluded. And although he doesn't mean to exclude me, I feel that's kind of a consequence. When he does tell me what he's thinking, he's usually presenting me with conclusions. Ready made. I think it's useful to exchange ideas and thoughts. To process through dialogue. It's a way to get to know each other. Also, thinking together can often be better (or at least different) than thinking alone. Both have value.

For me, his thoughts are also a good way for me to analyze and evaluate my own performance as a dominant. When I only get the conclusions, like "I loved it" or "I want to experience more", I don't get much to work from. This doesn't help my thought process, or my developpement. So when I get those finished conclusions, I have to ask a tonne of follow-up questions to get any idea of where those conclusions are coming from. I don't mind asking questions, but I would like to me more included in his thought processes. If possible.

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