Saturday, May 21, 2016

Afraid, but determined

I'm feeling really fragile these days. As if I'm made of glass, I'm so easy to shatter. I think it's a combination of stress and illness (a bad cold), which has made my depression rear it's ugly head again. I knew it wasn't completely gone, it's just been more dormant lately.

Saint and I went to a party at our local BDSM club last night, and we did two suspensions. Great fun, and I learned a lot, but afterwards I felt really worn out. As if I would crack if you looked at me the wrong way. Also, the other day with Giant, I started crying. I usually laugh when I orgasm (it's a neurological thing), but that time I cried. I think it's been a couple of years since the last time that happened.

Why so fragile? Well.. I keep feeling that I'm not good enough, that I don't perform well enough. I'm not good enough as a wife, or as a girlfriend, or as a dominant. So even after two great sessions of bondage and learning with Saint yesterday, I broke down in tears. Because I was convinced that it hadn't been enough. Not good enough, or hard enough, or long enough, or deep enough.

Saint tried to convince me otherwise, and at least he made me realise that these feelings are all in my head. The feelings are very real for me, no doubt about that. But Saint is happy with me. He believes I'm good enough. So while the feelings are real, they aren't based on actual facts. They are real, without being true.

I think my relationship with Giant is at the core of my issues, but I was having problems figuring out how. So I write this blog post, in order to self-analyze.

First of all, going from one two relationships to three is a big change. Not just for T and Saint (whom I've spent the last month worrying about), but also for me (whom I've not worried about enough, maybe). I had worked out a pattern, a set of habits, for when I was with T and when I was with Saint. And that was my whole life. My day-to-day, ordinary life. A third partner changes those habits, and I need time to find a new equilibrium. A new weekly routine. This is not bad, not at all, but it's new. And new is scary, especially when one is already struggling with mental illness. I think that's part of it, and hopefully it will work itself out eventually.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly: I feel so lucky to have Giant in my life. I feel disbelief, almost awe, that this should happen to me. That he would even be interested in me. I've known him for so long, I had never imagined that this would happen. Disbelief is definitely the right term here.

In addition to those feelings (this is still connected to that second point), come my feelings for Saint and T. I love and cherish them so much. I'm happy in both relationships, I love how the three of us interact with each other and support each other. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a wonderful, supportive, loving husband, who's willing to lead this polyamorous life with me. And that I would have been able to find a boyfriend, who suits me so well on so many levels.

All this luck, this bliss, it makes me afraid. I'm so afraid that it will all end. That one of them will get fed up and leave me. That I'll be too much, or not enough. That they will wake up one day, realise how I really am, and stop loving me. I guess I feel like I'm not really worth loving. That I don't deserve them, any of them.

Have I always felt this way? Yes, I think so, but to a smaller degree. The depression is pushing those feelings to the forefront, and the recent changes going on in my life (introducing Giant) makes them more difficult to handle. On the other hand, I wouldn't want anything else either.

What do I mean by that? Sure, I'd like to not be mentally ill! That's not what I meant. I meant that given the facts, the realities of my life, I can't imagine a better way to live. Because when all is said and done, I love them. All three of them. And I dare to think that they might love me too, for some reason. They want to make this work, and so do I.

I want to make it work. I want to live this weird, polyamorous life, and I want to love and laugh and enjoy. No matter how afraid I might be. I'm just glad I don't have to hold on to all this fear by myself. I'm so grateful that I have some wonderful partners whom I can turn to for support. They make it all worth it.

I won't let my fear of it all ending tomorrow, stand in the way of my happiness today.

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