I adore all the men I play with, if only for the duration of the session. No matter how casual, no matter how poorly we match. When I play with someone multiple times, and we both have fun and enjoy ourselves, there is no way I can stop myself getting a serious crush. I knew this would happen with Giant, and don't see it as a problem. I don't want anything more from him than what we already have: Fun and friendship. And I can't offer anything else either. Falling for him just means that I feel closer to him, more trusting, happier, and our play becomes even more intense.
I'm not bothered that he doesn't feel the same way. Not everyone falls for people as fast as I do, and that's fine. What keeps bothering me a bit, though, is his callousness. Coldness. Don't get me wrong: He enjoys what I do to him. and is grateful for the experiences I offer, of that I'm in no doubt. But no matter how intense, how intimate the experiences, I feel like I'm being held on an emotional/mental arm's length.
No matter how much I care for him, I get the feeling that he won't even let himself really like me. Let alone care for me. Like.. If he started caring for me, he could also run the risk of falling for me. And that scares the hell out of him, I think. I doubt this is something he's doing on purpose. He was grievously hurt when his previous relationship ended about 8 months ago. He's afraid to get hurt again.
Like I said: What he feels for me, or doesn't feel, doesn't really matter. The two of us have fun and friendship. And it can't be much else. But I want him to be true to himself. Honest. This feels a lot like he isn't. It feels a lot like he isn't trusting me, or maybe not trusting himself. In keeping me at an emotional arm's length, he's keeping himself from having the best experiences that he could have. And I want to help him, in any way that I can.
Because I care about him. Even when he doesn't care about himself.