Friday, May 6, 2016

The talk

Yesterday, Giant and I had the important "what are we feeling for eachother, and what does that entail"-talk.

It started out with him claiming, as late as Wednesday morning, that he had no feelings for me at all. That was followed by my blog entry where I accused him of keeping me at an emotional arm's length. Not because I want to force him to feel something that he doesn't really feel, but because I demand honesty and open communications.

We did do some playing as well, and I'm currently introducing him to orgasm denial. That's fun for me, and fun and frustrating for him. But mostly, we talked. And cried a bit. And talked some more.

I've previously told him that I'm in love with him. Yesterday, he admitted to being in love with me too. That was a big step for him, and I know it wasn't easy. He's scared of being hurt again. Scarred. Although, no matter what happens in the future, and who hurts whom, he still thinks this will have been worth it. And so he knows he's not reacting rationally. But he's still scared.

As for where we are going, the answer is basically "nowhere". I can't offer him anything more than what he's already getting from me. (Which is fun, friendship, and mutual enjoyment.) In fact, I should be offering less. I can't keep seeing him three days per week. T and Saint need my time as well. And I need some time for me.

And lately, T has not getting any time with me at all. The relationship with Giant has stolen almost all of my attention, and what little I've had left has gone to Saint. He's had issues he needed to work through and has needed my help. T hasn't needed me as much, so he hasn't gotten anything. I feel bad about that, and I miss spending time with him. Luckily, T and I are going on holiday to Spain next week, so we'll see a lot of eachother then. I'm looking forward to that.

I know that I fall for people, fast and hard. It's only been about three weeks, but I've grown to care so much for Giant already. I can't compare this to the love I feel for T, or for Saint. It's different. This is too fresh, too new and too untested. But therein lies some of the appeal as well. A new perspective, a new set of eyes, a new mind to invade, a new body to corrupt.

Giant and I are like a fresh sheet of paper and a new box of crayons. I'm not sure what colours we'll turn out to be, or even if the drawings will look any good in the end. But it's certainly full of possibilities.

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