I know there's been quite a few depressive, sad or confused entries lately. And I just want to point out that this isn't all that's going on in my life. There are a lot of good things too. I use this blog to vent. To clear my mind, when all I feel is chaos and confusion. Writing helps me find ways to handle it all.
I especially want to talk about Giant, because lately a lot of the negative entries have been about him. And I don't want to forget all the good things.
In that volunteer project we're both involved with, I feel that we work better together now than we ever have. This is how we were supposed to have worked together last year, I just wasn't able to include him back then. I felt like I had to do it all myself. When it comes to this work, our communication is mostly good, we cooperate well and we enjoy sharing this with each other. Yes, our communications broke down yesterday. But mostly, it's good.
As a couple, I also feel that we've come a long, long way in a couple of weeks. Learning the truth about his insecurities and lies, and hearing him say that he loves me, has brought us closer together than we've ever been before. The potential for trust is also much greater, now that I don't feel as intimidated by him anymore.
Sure, there are issues. As you've read in previous entries, we keep misunderstanding each other. Whether we misunderstand the body language, the words used, the intent behind them, or the reasons for saying them... It just keeps happening. We have a lot of work ahead of us, to figure these things out.
But despite the strain, despite the stress, despite the tears, it's still worth it. And there are many, many moments that prove to me that he, we, are worth the work. For example last Friday night, when we were standing in the dark watching an outdoor concert. He had his arms around me, I held his hand, we looked at each other smiling. Eyes shining. A lovely scene, great music, and a wonderful experience to share with him. I felt such love and happiness in that moment.
Sexually, things are easier. There are almost no communications issues there. Just our two bodies, intertwined. My hand on his throat, as he gasps and closes his eyes, leaning back. My mouth on his dick, as he moans and wriggles underneath me. Ropes against his beautiful body. Smiles, giggles, connection. Without that many words. "Yes, Ma'am" are words neither of us can misunderstand.
True, there hasn't been much D/s. I'm still not dominant, and don't know when or how I'll get that back. Also, all this stress lately has seriously affected my sex drive. So I'm not as interested in being on top of him as I used to be. However, these are details. I know my sex drive will return eventually, and bring my dominant side with it. For now, a bit of vanilla now and then is good enough. Sexually, we work. We click.
I also learn new things from playing with him. For example, I've never before liked having my ass played with. I tried it a fair bit in my late teens, around the time I tried everything else, and wasn't a huge fan. I've tried fingering a time or two later as well (about 10 years ago, but still), and still not a fan. Not hating it either, just profoundly uninterested. Like... "Why are you back there? The good hole is further forward." But Giant has skills I've never encountered before. He's made me crave his finger(s) in my ass. Sure, I prefer it combined with a couple of fingers in my pussy... But still. Who would have thought that I, after 15 years of sexual activities, could find a whole new area on my body to enjoy?
So this is to say: There are good things. Lots of them. I don't want anyone to despair for me, or think that my life is all misery and woe. It isn't. It's mostly good. I just use the blog to vent.