Saturday, September 10, 2016

A Giant Status

The summer is over, fall has come. And with fall comes more volunteer work and preparations for next year's big volunteer event. Giant is the head of the entire project this year, and I've agreed to work for him. Work with him.

I need to take stock and try to figure out how I feel about that. About him.

I wrote in the Giant Summary that I learned that it's possible for me to juggle three men. However, that takes a lot of dedication, and willingness to cooperate, and compromise, from all parties involved. I was feeling resentful and bitter towards Giant for not being willing to dedicate himself to me. Not in the same way that I was willing to dedicate myself to him. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to make us all work, even with the new girl. He didn't, and that made me feel hurt and angry.

I couldn't understand: If he loved me as much as he said... As much as I loved him... Why wasn't he willing to do as much for me as I was for him?

I still don't "get" that, but I've grown to accept that this is how it is.

And I've realised it's for the best. We would have made terrible romantic partners. Our communication just wasn't working properly. We kept mis-communicating, arguing, misunderstanding and getting angry at eachother over... Nothing. In the end, I started recognizing a pattern of communications that I haven't seen since the boyfriend I had before I met T (when I was 19). Giant was never loud or violent or dangerous, I feel certain he'd never physically hurt me... But we were falling into the same patterns that I've seen before. Maybe I'm just not a match with some people? Not sure why or how or who's fault it is. Probably a bit of both.

However, I'm still convinced that we'd make pretty great sexual partners. Whether it would just be ropes (fully clothed), or it would involve pegging, or domination, or just the vanilla sex stuff (like oral), or most likely a bit of everything... We'd rock at it. Sexually, we work really, really well together. As long as we both mostly shut up and don't think too much. Don't speak too much. The sexual stuff was awesome, and could probably be awesome again.

However, I don't think I could do that. Not now, when I've just started to accept that I can't be in a relationship with him. Why? Because I love my subs. Every. Single. One.

Some I just love for the minutes or hours of play. The intensity of the connection, or even just being able to gift someone new with a good experience. I love them, and want the best for them. It's so fleeting, it's almost gone before it's arrived. But it's still love, of sorts.

Some I love for weeks, or months. Like Tight, or Corvus, and even War (though he was never a sub, just a lover). Eventually, the feeling of love passes. Passions decline, the connection disappears, and love is gone. Only fondness remains.

And some, like Saint, I love for years and years. Like I love T (though he's certainly not a sub).

I could love Giant for months, maybe years. That's what it feels like right now. I don't know when that will pass. I don't know how to make it pass. And because this is so raw, so new, so strong, I don't think I should get sexually involved with him now. I don't want to fan the flames, because I'm not certain that I'd be content with just a sexual relationship. Despite my better judgement, I might want something more than that. And as we've already established, that's not a good idea.

I don't think about him every day anymore. More like every week. My life is still filled by memories of him. Practical things.. I'm still occasionally listening to his playlist on Spotify. He was the last one logged into Netflix on my laptop. I see his posts on Facebook. I see her posts. It's incredible how many memories and connections can be formed in under ten weeks of dating. I haven't actually seen him in real life since he dumped me.

I still occasionally think about sucking his cock. Of running my hands over his chest and shoulders. Lifting my gaze, making him yield to me with just a look. Of pushing into him with a strap-on, staring down at his face. I miss his body, his reactions, his face when he's turned on, the feeling of his hair through my fingers. I miss the sexual stuff. I don't really miss the rest, because those good memories got clouded by arguments and lies. But the sexual stuff... That feels like it's worth missing.

Despite my better judgement, I'd probably come running if he crooked his finger at me.
So how do I feel about working with him again? Scared, mostly.

Scared because I still love him, and wish I didn't. Scared because he has this power over me, when I wish he didn't. Scared because I don't wish to hurt anyone... Not the new girl. Not him. Not Saint. Not T. Scared because I don't feel in control of myself. I hate not being in control.

I'm scared because I expect that we'll keep misunderstanding each other, and not know how to work it out. I can't fix that, and I doubt he can either. Despite both of us making valid attempts.

Will it all work out in the end?

We'll probably act really professional around each other. Put on the mask of "co-workers", maybe even the mask of "friends". We're both professional enough in this job to make it work, we know what needs to be done.

I just feel scared. And I miss him.

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