This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I went to a non-kinky cabin trip with another 12 people. Some I knew really well, some I had never met before. Among them was only one adult man. A Swedish guy (so I'm naming him Swede), three years older than me.
The two of us had never met before, but we hit it off really well on the first day. I felt in the mood for some cuddles and stuff, so I asked him straight out if we might hook up. I hadn't any expectations that I might get a "yes", but I figured it was worth a shot...
He was a bit surprised by my suggestion, and I gave him plenty of opportunities to back out. But he never did. When it also turned out that he was really curious about BDSM, but had very little experience with it, the weekend took a very unexpected turn.
After some cuddles and heavy petting on the first couple of days, two things became apparent:
1. He had very little sexual experience at all. Sure, he'd had sex before. But he'd experimented fairly little, had very few kinky experiences, and had a lot of preconceived ideas about what BDSM was and what it wasn't.
2. He wasn't a sub. Or even much of a bottom. He was a top and probably dominant as well.
This combination meant that he didn't respond well when I took charge. He went along with it, sure. I guess that was partially to please me, and partially for the experience itself. But it became fairly obvious that this wasn't his prefered role. At first, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I felt as though he wasn't responding to me the way I'm used to, and I wondered what I was doing wrong. Pretty soon, I recognized it for what it really was: He's a top, and so am I. We ended up in a loop of "wanting to please the other person", where neither one was really happy. And although it wasn't exactly bad, it was pretty far from good...
We both wanted to fool around some more, even though we were far from a perfect match. So one of us had to yield the position of top. He didn't have the experience to recognize or articulate this, so it had to be me. Now, in principle I'm a switch. I started out as a sub and bottom, back when I was 18 and entered the BDSM scene. But I play from this position very, very rarely.
(In the last 10 years, I've been in a similar position once before: In the summer of 2015 when I fooled around with Arthur. He was also obviously a top, but very, very uncertain of how to handle it. Back then, it didn't go so well, as Arthur struggles with mental illness and freaked out by it all. We remain great friends, but I didn't feel like I managed to teach him that much... I needed to do better this time.)
So I took on the position of teacher and bottom. I remained firmly in control, both of myself and of the situation, but placed myself on the bottom in our dynamics. I made up small scenarios, where Swede got to play around with control and power in VERY controlled circumstances. For example, I tied some rope around my wrists, placed the rope around the bed posts, and just held the rope tight. This way, I was "tied up", whilst being able to just let go of the rope and be completely free. Or I would tickle him, and make him try to stop me by grabbing my arms and holding me down.
We would play like this for a few minutes, to let him have a taste of it, and then we'd back up and talk about it. My goal was to give him some experiences, and then make him analyze them, and practice articulating his thoughts and feelings. And this worked out especially well today, which was our last day together.
During the weekend, and especially today, he made great progress. He started out shy, uncertain, afraid he'd hurt me or that I didn't actually want it, unable to articulate what he was thinking and mostly unaware of his own feelings. And while I can't "fix" all this in a single weekend, I felt like he really came out of his shell. He got a lot better at expressing himself, and I think I managed to poke a few holes in his emotional defences as well.
But what did playing the bottom for a few days do to me?
It made me realise that I miss it.
It was bloody hard, and it felt terribly strange, just lying there and being touched. I couldn't give anything back, I couldn't do anything to him. On the other hand, I could see how much he enjoyed it. And seeing/feeling/hearing that people are turned on, turns me on. So we ended up in a really good loop of sexual desire. Also, I got really turned on by the lack of control in itself. It scared the hell out of me, but it turns me on too.
And I really enjoy the position of teacher. Not only the power, although I'll admit that is a considerable part of it... But I also enjoy giving back to the BDSM community, but using my experiences and skills for the good of someone else. "Pay it forward", as they say. And I enjoy the trust it builds, the connection between two (or more) people.
Would I be a sub again? I don't know. Not right now, certainly. I've too many control issues, don't trust people enough, and it just feels to scary. And I'd need the right play partner for it.
But would I bottom again? Probably, yes. For the right guy, in the right circumstances. If the mood strikes me.
What about Swede?
I had fun. I hope I'll see him again sometime. I had a good time, it was interesting. I wouldn't mind bottoming for him again. There aren't any immediate plan to that end, but we'll see what happens...
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