Yesterday was intense, to say the least. Or.. It actually started on Friday. I got home from work, feeling cuddly, and Saint was happy to oblige.
So we were in bed, cuddling, and cuddling let to petting and kissing.. And kissing let to more cuddles, and all of a sudden I was really horny. I put his hand on my crotch, and he touched me just the way I like it. I wasn't particularly wet at this point, the hornyness was too new. It was still mostly in my mind.
Then I hurt him. And it was as though someone had squeezed a wet sponge between my legs. Instant wetness! My pussy opening up, like a budding flower. I laughed, thinking it was just a coincidence, and did it again. And again, the same result.
In the end, I made him finger me until I came. His fingers are glorious and magnificent, and probably made of magic and unicorns or something. Love them!
I'm a sadist, it is known. However, I've never before experienced such an instant and tangible reaction. His pain turned me on. His suffering turned me on. It felt glorious, and slightly disturbing. Abnormal.
Then again, yesterday, we played. This time with bondage, as well as some pleasure and pain. At the end of a rather long and intense session, I had him on his back in the bed. His wrists were tied to the bed posts, and I was sitting on his face. Dripping wet, his tongue doing what it does best.
Now, I enjoy face sitting because it makes me feel powerful and in control. But the cunnilingus itself isn't really that good in this position. It's nice and pleasant, but there is no way I can get even near an orgasm. For that, I must be able to relax. And I don't relax when I'm sitting on someone's face.
However, yesterday was different someone. No, I still didn't orgasm from it. But I got as close as I've ever come before. I sat there, and took pleasure for myself, in stead of just focus on giving pleasure to him. My own enjoyment took over most of the conscious, analytical part of my mind, and I just DID things. Almost no thought, no plan. Animalistic need. Hornyness.
What triggered this strong response in me? Pain. Again.
I hurt Saint, pinching his nipples and hitting the inside of his thighs with a cane. And his reaction, how he was obviously in pain and yet enjoying it, triggered something in me. I don't think I've ever gotten that turned on by someone else's reactions ever. We ended up in an amazing loop, where his pain created pleasure in him and in me, and this in turn intensified the pleasure the other person felt.
It was raw, amazing, intense. And a bit scary. I'm scared of my own reactions. I knew I could enjoy hurting someone, enjoy their reactions and responses, enjoy the control. But in my mind, this cold, analytical enjoyment (which also turns me on, just in a different way) is very, very different from the intense, primal hornyness I experienced this weekend. A hunger, a need for him. His body, his cock, his pleasure, his pain.
There was still a sliver of control left. I didn't hurt him too much. I didn't suffocate him. I knew enough to hold myself back, somewhat. And I hope that controlled, civilized, safefy-minded part of me never, ever goes away completely. However, I'm used to even more control than this. Control over myself, my own reactions, but own desires. The sadism feel so strong in me, it's like an unruly beast. One I've only just got a leash on, but who fights the handler with every step.
It feels scary. Exciting too. Titillating. Tempting. Sexy. But scary.