Saint and I are in a really good place these days. We just celebrated our 3rd anniversary as a couple, and although we both struggle with mental illness, stress and other stuff to distract us... We're good. Our play these last few weeks have been really intense, and we keep experimenting and evolving. Both as individuals and as a couple.
Saint is helping me come to terms with some self confidence issues that I wasn't aware that I had. For example, I have issues with accepting service from a sub/bottom, because receiving service makes me feel bad. And by service I mean stuff like them being a foot stool, or sitting by my feet holding my drink, or massaging my feet etc. I feel like I'm being too selfish, that I don't deserve this attention. I feel obligated that such service MUST evolve into more active play, because otherwise I'm just taking advantage. Basically, I'm struggling to accept that someone might DESIRE to service me.
So when I'm feeling tired or just not in the mood for active BDSM play, but could feel up for such D/s service.. I usually don't ask for it. Because I feel like this SHOULD lead to something more, something I just don't have the energy for. So rather than feel like I'm a tease, I refrain from any BDSM activity all together. Which isn't productive, as it denies both Saint and me some great opportunities for D/s interaction.
But we're working on that.
We're also exploring humiliation in ways I never would have anticipated. It's weird sometimes, to be so turned on by stuff that's so grose. Or just weird. For example: He's been asked to open his mouth and stick out his tongue. I'm standing over him, and slowly letting a large glob of spit drip from my mouth and onto his tongue. From there, it rolls back into his mouth. Nothing violent or forceful, but slowly. Purposefully.
And weird stuff too... Like making him suck on my strap-on dick. It's a silicone dildo... That shouldn't feel good for me. There are no nerve endings there. It makes no sense. And yet... And yet, I get SO turned on by it. And so does he. The other day, I made him suck my dick while I was sitting on a chair.. And he was in rope suspension, face down, just over my lap. He was completely tied up, had no say in the matter, and I moved his head and body in whatever way I pleased. I was ridiculously turned on, and so was he.
In fact, for the rest of that night I wore the strap on harness underneath my dress. Not with the dick in place, but still.. Just the harness turns me on. It makes me feel powerful.
Weird, I know.