Saturday, March 25, 2017

Primary relationship(s)

I hesitate to write this, because it seems like everyone in my life are really vulnerable right now. I worry that I've cause it somehow, since they all seem to go off at once. On the other hand, if I could go back in time I wouldn't have done much differently. So I don't really know what I should or shouldn't do. I worry that I'll hurt people or make things worse.

I need to write, though, so I do. I might just postpone posting it for a few hours or a few days, until people around me seem more stable.

A consequence of the new relationship model is that I've taken a long and hard look at Saint's place in my life. When we started out, we were play partners. We quickly progressed to a romantic relationship, but we were still very separate entities and maintaining that separation was important to both of us. For the longest time, we didn't even define ourselves as "a couple". We would object if people thought we were "together".

That changed as I spent more and more time with him. It got to a point where we agreed that we were, in fact, together. We started speaking of each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I started spending more and more time with him, de facto living part time with him. I still have all of my things in the apartment that I share with T, but I left (or bought extra) things at Saint's place too. Like my asthma meds, or an extra set of vibrators, or some underwear or little things like that.

We've now been in some sort of relationship for 3 years and 4 months. And for over two years, we've remained in almost the same place. At least when it came to formal agreements and arrangements. We are boyfriend/girlfriend. We are together, we are a couple.

However, in the last few weeks we've been talking more and more about this not being the entire truth anymore. We have somehow moved beyond this, and have become more than this. And this is where my vocabulary falls short, because I lack poly-terms to describe the way we feel. He said, a couple of weeks back, that if we'd been in a monogamous relationship, he'd propose to me. I feel the same way, and just the fact that he would entertain that thought makes me extremely happy. To me, that means we're in the same place and that we want the same thing in our relationship. We want a commitment, we want the long term. Something beyond the casual boyfriend/girlfriend.

I am already married though. There wouldn't be any point in getting engaged with me, or anything like that. Marriage is just a social and legal construct anyway. I don't feel we need THAT, specifically. We just need the agreement and recognition that we are something serious and committed. The biggest change, in how I think about us, is the way I envision the future with him. Not as some dream, but as a realistic plan.

My future is of course malleable, and if this developpement continues I might be able to envision one where he's even more involved. I'm not sure where that line will or should be drawn. But right now, I envision him having a part in raising T's and my children. Not just as a distant "uncle", but much like a parent. I'd even want him present at the hospital while I was giving birth. Hopefully even in the room, if T is ok with that. I'd want him living in the same building as us, but still having his own space where he could withdraw if he needed it. I want to be open about being polyamorous with everyone we come across.

I will probably always have a more intertwined relationship with T. Not just because we're married, and have known each other the longest, but also because of living arrangements, finances, plans for having children and other factors. I don't want that to change. However, I don't want Saint to be "less than". The relationships are different, sure, and I wouldn't want them to be exactly the same. However, they're both important, long-term, committed relationships, where I wouldn't always prioritize one over the other.

And in that sense, I don't have one primary relationship. I have two.

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