Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Hooking up with Arthur

Almost two weeks ago, I participated in a big hobby-related weekend-long event. I work as a volunteer for this event, along with Giant, T and several other people. I meet War there. Sometimes I see Jump in the distance. Saint also volunteers, whenever he's up for it. And I hooked up with Arthur again.

If you recall, I first flirted and fooled around with him in the summer two years ago (at a similar event back then). We discovered that he had a kinky side, as he got really turned on when he managed to make me afraid. There's no doubt he's a top, but I think he's also a dom and/or a sadist. However, he was too mentally unstable to dare explore those sides of him back then. We had some super-intense short bursts of play, but in the end he rejected any further sexual advances from me.

As I'm sure many of you know, deep down I'm really a switch. I have both a submissive and a dominant side, but I almost never let my submissive side out to play. I think my dominant ex (who verbally abused me, and expressed anger by punching holes through walls and toppling furniture at my feet) scared my submissive side into hiding. Since then, any and all attempts to submit have been difficult and I've only managed to do it in short bursts.

I'm also a top, but I think this is also partly a control/trust issue. It's also a matter of habit, of making the body used to respond sexually to some things and not to others (as I learned with War, the body can be taught/un-taught new "patterns" of desire). And it's a matter of self-confidence, of daring to be self-centered and take up space in an encounter. Daring to be the focus, without feeling like I'm being selfish. I wish I could be more flexible with this, but it's such a struggle for me to just receive for any lengths of time.

I think it would be easier for me to bottom for another top, if I was also made to submit. I say "made to" because it's such a struggle for me, and I need help to get down into that mind space. I also tend to "bob back up" fairly quickly, so a dom would need to work to keep me down. And somehow, Arthur has instinctively picked up on this.

We flirted for a couple of hours, and then we went to bed in a communal sleeping room. After not being able to sleep for a bit, and feeling cold and alone, I quietly invited him over to my mattress. We hugged and cuddled and kissed and fondled, which was very nice. Just what I needed. Then he started playing with my throat.

Two years ago, I taught him that holding the front of my throat with his hand was something that scared me... And it makes me really submissive really quickly. Back then, it scared him more than it did me.. Because he got scared of his own reaction. He wasn't as scared now. He remembered all of this, and also remembered how I love to have my hair pulled.

This time he dared to push me a lot further than he had done two years ago. This wasn't just a hand lightly resting on my throat. He grabbed me, pushed me backwards into the mattress, made me look into his eyes and really took control. It was sooooo hot! He even commanded me to grab his cock once, while he was doing this to me, and I could definitely feel that it turned him on too. (I'd been fondling that cock on and off for the entire encounter, but it was somehow hotter when I was told to do it.)

He's able to trigger my submissive side, while at the same time make me feel safe. Catalyst could only do the former, but not the later. Swede could do both, to some extent, but Swede never showed much initiative when we played. I had to initiate almost everything, which made me significantly less submissive by default. With Arthur however, that night a couple of weeks ago I was just along for the ride. He was definitely the one who was running the show. And I loved every second of it.

We played in bursts, then took a few seconds to catch our breaths before playing more. I "bobbed back up" to more of an equilibrium in the short breaks in between, which I think was both a good thing and a bad thing. Good, because it enabled me to retain some control of the situation. After all, he's fairly untrained and working mostly by instinct. I can't give myself over completely, and he wouldn't want me to. But it's also bad because I think I would have enjoyed it even more, if I'd been able to stay "down" in a submissive mode while taking short (5-30 seconds) breaks. Maybe we'll get to that point one day. I don't know.

The next day, he rejected me again. Much like he'd done last time. Very cold and logical, as he is when he's distancing himself from things he struggles to deal with. However, as opposed to last time, he now showed me a sort of "back door". He basically said (without reeeeally coming out and saying it), that I shouldn't take his rejections as a "no". That he wanted to play with me and fool around with me, but that his first instinct when actually asked is to say "no". Because he'll freak out. And once he's answered, he'll stick to that answer, no matter what. The solution, or so he tried to explain, was for me not to ask.

So Arthur has given me his permission to surprise him. To initiate things, without asking for his explicit consent first. He's still very capable of taking care of himself and rejecting me if he really doesn't want me.. But if I just DO and not ASK, the likelihood of him not automatically rejecting me will increase dramatically. And once we're involved in something, he can relax more and take over the show the way we both want him to.

It's difficult, of course, to accept that he DOES actually want me, even though he keeps rejecting me. It's difficult to keep reaching out. I worry that I'm a stalker, someone who just can't accept no for an answer. I worry that I'm pushing myself on someone when I'm not wanted. However, these are "just" all my insecurities talking. I need to try and trust him, and trust in that he actually does welcome my advances. He's just being freaked out by them, because of his own insecurities. I shouldn't let mine get in the way as well.

So trusting in his words over his actions, and pushing down that self-critical voice in my head, I took advantage of the "back door" he'd given me later that next day. I ambushed him, cuddled him, and ended up giving him a blow job. He didn't reject my advances. However, he was really tired from lack of sleep and a painful knee, so nothing more play-like happened. I was still pretty happy. I love sucking cock, and it had been a "proof of concept". Not asking him, just doing things, seemed to work out.

This isn't exactly the healthiest mechanism to initiate hook ups / play... But it's something better / more than what I got two years ago. I hope it won't be two years before we get to play again, but with this child on the way I really shouldn't be expecting anything else. In the mean while, I really like him and intend to stay friends with him. He's a great guy, and I'm glad I get these experiences with him once in a while.

Ending it with Dane

Dane and I met in late February and really hit it off. He's cute, intelligent, kind, funny and we have several interests in common. He's also a submissive, although a fairly inexperienced one, which suits me just fine. I really fell for him, and even though I knew I couldn't have a third relationship (and even though he lived in another country), we gave it a shot. We had a long distance relationship for a few months, and he came to visit me a few times... But yesterday it came to an end.

We knew it would end sooner or later, as the coming child would mean less time and energy for other relationships. But having it end so soon was surprising and it made me sad. I'd really fallen in love with him and enjoyed playing with him when he visited me, but in the end that just wasn't enough. We kept misunderstanding each other and fought a lot, which was draining and stressful. 

For example, one of the reasons for me blogging less was that he got resentful whenever I blogged about anyone but him. He kept comparing the posts about him to posts about others, and couldn't accept that this is a place I mostly go to write about things I struggle with. And he didn't feel like a struggle... At first. Once things started to become more difficult, the blog didn't feel like a "safe" place for me to vent and process those feelings anymore, because I knew he would be judging and analyzing every little word. We had a number of fights over this, and eventually I just gave up. The damage had been done, I knew I wouldn't feel safe in here again as long as he kept judging and analyzing every word I wrote.

The few times I did write about him, he would express his dissatisfaction over how I did it, which words I used, how often I wrote, how passionately etc. He was so easy to hurt.. He would find slights in the smallest comment and use them as "proof" of how he supposedly didn't matter to me. I hate hurting people, and will do almost anything to avoid it. But I also wouldn't write things "to order" just so he'd be happy. Not writing anything about anyone seemed like the only solution. 

His reactions is also why I, very early on, gave him a new pseudonym. I haven't re-named anyone in this blog, ever. But he expressed such hurt over "Dane", that I felt I had no choice. He found it to be too impersonal and too focused on where he's from. (As if "Swede" or "T" or "B" is any more personal.....?) So I changed the pseudonym to "Cogito", which I hoped would suit him better... But it never felt right to me, probably because it felt wrong to re-name someone in here when it hadn't been my idea to do so. It felt like he was claiming ownership of this blog and the things I write in them. (I'm sure that wasn't what he intended, but that's what it felt like to me.)

Yesterday, when we broke up, he also told me he'd unsubscribe to the blog and not make any reference to its contents again. I know he'll probably read it again at some point, and that's fine. I just don't want to hear his judgements. Now, I just feel really happy to have my blog back. Even more so than I'd thought I would. And since it's my blog and I no longer care as much about his judgements, I've edited all the posts about him so that he's once again named "Dane". That was my original name for him, and so "Dane" he will be.

Of course, he can't take the full blame for my decrease in blogging. This spring has been tough in more ways than one, and I've not had much energy or motivation. But the fighting and the miscommunication certainly took it's toll on me, and on our relationship. Combined with my decreased energy levels and other health issues, I just couldn't make it work anymore. So I felt like the only thing left to do was to end it. Dane had luckily come to a similar conclusions, and so we parted on fairly good terms. 

I wish him the very best, as he's a great guy. I hope he finds more lasting happiness with someone else. Maybe we'll meet again, some day.

Our family is growing

This spring has been tough, as things are changing and more change is still to come: After two and a half years, and a lot of help from a nearby hospital, I'm finally pregnant! I'm expecting my firstborn child around New Years'. 

The IVF-process has really taken it's toll, and the first trimester wasn't exactly a breeze either. Among other things, my sex drive disappeared completely. (I suddenly get how some asexuals must feel. In that state: I would have been happy to never have sexual contact with anyone again... That felt very unlike the real me!) I also felt tired and nauseous a lot, and was pretty miserable. And I'm sure I was miserable company for those around me as well... But if we have a healthy child when 2018 comes along, it will all have been worth it.

The second trimester has been easier than the first, and my sex-drive is slowly returning. I still don't have a lot of energy, but I'm more interested in sexual things now than I used to be. While I miss my "old self", this is better than nothing. Having sex with Saint again (remember, he and I didn't have penis-in-vagina sex for the those 2+ years when T and I were trying to conceive) still feels amazing, although the growing belly is starting to get in the way. We're experimenting with new positions and having fun with it, but I suspect it might get more difficult as the pregnancy progresses. Saint also adores to eat my pussy, which is a fantastic way for me to relax and get in the mood.

Just a couple of weeks after releasing news of the pregnancy to the world, I also came out to about half my Facebook friends' list that I'm polyamorous and that we'll be three parents in stead of the usual two. While T is the child's biological father, we've decided that Saint will also be a parent and be a part of our family.

Coming out like that was a huge step for me. Several of our closest friends already knew we were poly, and my parents had also been told, but many didn't already know (as "half my friends list" is approximately 240 people). So it's sort of like coming out of a closet. I was really nervous when I first wrote the Facebook-post, but so far we've only gotten positive responses. Although some people, like my parents, have simply ignored it. That makes me sad, but I guess it's better than outright hostility.

This was important to me also because "poly" can mean a lot of different things to different people. I want to make sure that Saint feels included as part of the family, not just some guy I occasionally have sex with. I love him and want him as part of my life and my child/children's life. My role and T's role in the family are more or less taken for granted by society, while Saint's place all of this is less obvious. So T and I have to work to ensure that he's included, when the society around us assumes otherwise. I'm really grateful for the way T has handled this, and feel so happy to have two such amazing men to call my partners.

Polyamory is pretty awesome.