Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Ending it with Dane

Dane and I met in late February and really hit it off. He's cute, intelligent, kind, funny and we have several interests in common. He's also a submissive, although a fairly inexperienced one, which suits me just fine. I really fell for him, and even though I knew I couldn't have a third relationship (and even though he lived in another country), we gave it a shot. We had a long distance relationship for a few months, and he came to visit me a few times... But yesterday it came to an end.

We knew it would end sooner or later, as the coming child would mean less time and energy for other relationships. But having it end so soon was surprising and it made me sad. I'd really fallen in love with him and enjoyed playing with him when he visited me, but in the end that just wasn't enough. We kept misunderstanding each other and fought a lot, which was draining and stressful. 

For example, one of the reasons for me blogging less was that he got resentful whenever I blogged about anyone but him. He kept comparing the posts about him to posts about others, and couldn't accept that this is a place I mostly go to write about things I struggle with. And he didn't feel like a struggle... At first. Once things started to become more difficult, the blog didn't feel like a "safe" place for me to vent and process those feelings anymore, because I knew he would be judging and analyzing every little word. We had a number of fights over this, and eventually I just gave up. The damage had been done, I knew I wouldn't feel safe in here again as long as he kept judging and analyzing every word I wrote.

The few times I did write about him, he would express his dissatisfaction over how I did it, which words I used, how often I wrote, how passionately etc. He was so easy to hurt.. He would find slights in the smallest comment and use them as "proof" of how he supposedly didn't matter to me. I hate hurting people, and will do almost anything to avoid it. But I also wouldn't write things "to order" just so he'd be happy. Not writing anything about anyone seemed like the only solution. 

His reactions is also why I, very early on, gave him a new pseudonym. I haven't re-named anyone in this blog, ever. But he expressed such hurt over "Dane", that I felt I had no choice. He found it to be too impersonal and too focused on where he's from. (As if "Swede" or "T" or "B" is any more personal.....?) So I changed the pseudonym to "Cogito", which I hoped would suit him better... But it never felt right to me, probably because it felt wrong to re-name someone in here when it hadn't been my idea to do so. It felt like he was claiming ownership of this blog and the things I write in them. (I'm sure that wasn't what he intended, but that's what it felt like to me.)

Yesterday, when we broke up, he also told me he'd unsubscribe to the blog and not make any reference to its contents again. I know he'll probably read it again at some point, and that's fine. I just don't want to hear his judgements. Now, I just feel really happy to have my blog back. Even more so than I'd thought I would. And since it's my blog and I no longer care as much about his judgements, I've edited all the posts about him so that he's once again named "Dane". That was my original name for him, and so "Dane" he will be.

Of course, he can't take the full blame for my decrease in blogging. This spring has been tough in more ways than one, and I've not had much energy or motivation. But the fighting and the miscommunication certainly took it's toll on me, and on our relationship. Combined with my decreased energy levels and other health issues, I just couldn't make it work anymore. So I felt like the only thing left to do was to end it. Dane had luckily come to a similar conclusions, and so we parted on fairly good terms. 

I wish him the very best, as he's a great guy. I hope he finds more lasting happiness with someone else. Maybe we'll meet again, some day.

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