Almost two weeks ago, I participated in a big hobby-related weekend-long event. I work as a volunteer for this event, along with Giant, T and several other people. I meet War there. Sometimes I see Jump in the distance. Saint also volunteers, whenever he's up for it. And I hooked up with Arthur again.
If you recall, I first flirted and fooled around with him in the summer two years ago (at a similar event back then). We discovered that he had a kinky side, as he got really turned on when he managed to make me afraid. There's no doubt he's a top, but I think he's also a dom and/or a sadist. However, he was too mentally unstable to dare explore those sides of him back then. We had some super-intense short bursts of play, but in the end he rejected any further sexual advances from me.
As I'm sure many of you know, deep down I'm really a switch. I have both a submissive and a dominant side, but I almost never let my submissive side out to play. I think my dominant ex (who verbally abused me, and expressed anger by punching holes through walls and toppling furniture at my feet) scared my submissive side into hiding. Since then, any and all attempts to submit have been difficult and I've only managed to do it in short bursts.
I'm also a top, but I think this is also partly a control/trust issue. It's also a matter of habit, of making the body used to respond sexually to some things and not to others (as I learned with War, the body can be taught/un-taught new "patterns" of desire). And it's a matter of self-confidence, of daring to be self-centered and take up space in an encounter. Daring to be the focus, without feeling like I'm being selfish. I wish I could be more flexible with this, but it's such a struggle for me to just receive for any lengths of time.
I think it would be easier for me to bottom for another top, if I was also made to submit. I say "made to" because it's such a struggle for me, and I need help to get down into that mind space. I also tend to "bob back up" fairly quickly, so a dom would need to work to keep me down. And somehow, Arthur has instinctively picked up on this.
We flirted for a couple of hours, and then we went to bed in a communal sleeping room. After not being able to sleep for a bit, and feeling cold and alone, I quietly invited him over to my mattress. We hugged and cuddled and kissed and fondled, which was very nice. Just what I needed. Then he started playing with my throat.
Two years ago, I taught him that holding the front of my throat with his hand was something that scared me... And it makes me really submissive really quickly. Back then, it scared him more than it did me.. Because he got scared of his own reaction. He wasn't as scared now. He remembered all of this, and also remembered how I love to have my hair pulled.
This time he dared to push me a lot further than he had done two years ago. This wasn't just a hand lightly resting on my throat. He grabbed me, pushed me backwards into the mattress, made me look into his eyes and really took control. It was sooooo hot! He even commanded me to grab his cock once, while he was doing this to me, and I could definitely feel that it turned him on too. (I'd been fondling that cock on and off for the entire encounter, but it was somehow hotter when I was told to do it.)
He's able to trigger my submissive side, while at the same time make me feel safe. Catalyst could only do the former, but not the later. Swede could do both, to some extent, but Swede never showed much initiative when we played. I had to initiate almost everything, which made me significantly less submissive by default. With Arthur however, that night a couple of weeks ago I was just along for the ride. He was definitely the one who was running the show. And I loved every second of it.
We played in bursts, then took a few seconds to catch our breaths before playing more. I "bobbed back up" to more of an equilibrium in the short breaks in between, which I think was both a good thing and a bad thing. Good, because it enabled me to retain some control of the situation. After all, he's fairly untrained and working mostly by instinct. I can't give myself over completely, and he wouldn't want me to. But it's also bad because I think I would have enjoyed it even more, if I'd been able to stay "down" in a submissive mode while taking short (5-30 seconds) breaks. Maybe we'll get to that point one day. I don't know.
The next day, he rejected me again. Much like he'd done last time. Very cold and logical, as he is when he's distancing himself from things he struggles to deal with. However, as opposed to last time, he now showed me a sort of "back door". He basically said (without reeeeally coming out and saying it), that I shouldn't take his rejections as a "no". That he wanted to play with me and fool around with me, but that his first instinct when actually asked is to say "no". Because he'll freak out. And once he's answered, he'll stick to that answer, no matter what. The solution, or so he tried to explain, was for me not to ask.
So Arthur has given me his permission to surprise him. To initiate things, without asking for his explicit consent first. He's still very capable of taking care of himself and rejecting me if he really doesn't want me.. But if I just DO and not ASK, the likelihood of him not automatically rejecting me will increase dramatically. And once we're involved in something, he can relax more and take over the show the way we both want him to.
It's difficult, of course, to accept that he DOES actually want me, even though he keeps rejecting me. It's difficult to keep reaching out. I worry that I'm a stalker, someone who just can't accept no for an answer. I worry that I'm pushing myself on someone when I'm not wanted. However, these are "just" all my insecurities talking. I need to try and trust him, and trust in that he actually does welcome my advances. He's just being freaked out by them, because of his own insecurities. I shouldn't let mine get in the way as well.
So trusting in his words over his actions, and pushing down that self-critical voice in my head, I took advantage of the "back door" he'd given me later that next day. I ambushed him, cuddled him, and ended up giving him a blow job. He didn't reject my advances. However, he was really tired from lack of sleep and a painful knee, so nothing more play-like happened. I was still pretty happy. I love sucking cock, and it had been a "proof of concept". Not asking him, just doing things, seemed to work out.
This isn't exactly the healthiest mechanism to initiate hook ups / play... But it's something better / more than what I got two years ago. I hope it won't be two years before we get to play again, but with this child on the way I really shouldn't be expecting anything else. In the mean while, I really like him and intend to stay friends with him. He's a great guy, and I'm glad I get these experiences with him once in a while.