Sexual Ramblings

Musings on responsibility and power

2012-01-25T14:24:00.001+01:00

Pretty close to a year ago, I wrote this blog entry. Now, almost exactly a year later, I could have written that same entry again, or something close to it. Corvus struggles with the decision I made to no longer play seriously with him. And because I know he's struggling, and there's very little I can do to help him, I struggle too. I'm sad and moody, because I care so much for him. I want him to be ok, want him to be happy, and right now it's kind of my fault that he isn't. That pains me.

When is it ok for me to say: No, I don't want to do this. Not to you, and not to us. No, I don't think it's safe, no I don't dare to take on this responsibility anymore. A sub always has a safeword. When can I use mine, and not me called a coward?

Because as a dom, I'm given a huge amount of responsibility for the other party. I know they are, deep down, still responsible for themself, but this game we play with power pushes that responsibility down and hides it from view. It's still there as a safety mechanism. I don't think any sub in a healthy relationship would jump off a cliff if the dom told him to. But the sub would do SO many things, that might or might not be harmful or problematic, if given the command at the right time when he's in the right mindset. And a dom can get the sub into almost any mindset she wants. It's scary, that responsibility. That power.

Usually, I'm a big fan of power. It turns me on, even. But when I'm no longer sure if what I'm doing is right and good, when I don't know what consequences my actions could have... Then that responsibility, that power, scares me. And not in a good way. That's part of the reason why I've said no. I couldn't articulate this before, even to myself, but writing about it has helped. Writing usually helps.

Three BDSM sessions in one night

2012-01-22T05:06:00.000+01:00

What a night! Tight and I have been playing as often as we've been able. Which so far has meant twice per week. After the hugely attended munch a couple of weeks ago, he came here to visit me the following Friday. Then there was another munch this week, in which we also played. And then there was tonight. And what a night! Nothing we've done previously can compare to this evening.

To me, BDSM is about a combination of three things: Humiliation, pain and pleasure. These three may ofcourse be achieved in various ways, one of my favorite methods being bondage. But bondage in itself I view only as a tool, a means to an end, not the end itself. Tonight, we had three sessions, one session for each main "theme" if you like.

The first one was about humiliation. This is a topic we've just started to explore. I can't push him very far yet, but I AM pushing him. He's already doing things he never thought he would (like being naked in front of people at the BDSM club). During this session, I gave him his birthday gift: A collar. To me, collars are intensely personal, and it's a strong symbol. It means I'm no longer "concidering" him. He's mine now. We have still to determine exactly what that means, as it's still very much an evolving relation.. But there is no doubt in either of us that he is my sub now, and that's how we want it to be.

The second one was about pain. Also a fairly new thing for him. Like I mentioned perviously: He can't handle much pain and is obviously not familiar with how to deal with it. He's gotten much better in just the last couple of weeks, and this time I gave him an good old-fashioned spanking. Warmed him up first, using my hand and a suede leather flogger. Then switched to a wooden paddle and a riding crop. He got fairly sore, but he's a long way from any serious bruising. With anyone else, I'd call it a fairly light spanking. With him, it was really impressive how much he could handle. He ushed himself beyond what he's done before, and I'm very proud of him.

He fell into subspace from the pain, which is a good thing... The scary thing was it happened so quickly, I wonder if he might have blacked out for a second. His body just dropped, couldn't support himself, he grew pale and his breathing shallow. He quickned somewhat shortly thereafter, and I untied him, got him on the floor and let him stay in subspace until he surfaced on his own. He was ok and had no recollection of the event that I just described... And so I'm still not sure what to make of it.

The third session was supposed to be about pleasure... However, I discovered when I was touching his dick and balls that he is actually turned on by pain down there. The guy who can't handle pain anywhere else is actually turned on when I squeeze and pinch his dick and balls..! Fascinating! He still doesn't get hard, but claims it's a mental block because we don't know eachother that well yet and he's still not relaxed enough in my presence. I don't really mind, I don't have much use for his dick anyway. It's clear from his reactions that he's getting horney, so I take it I'm doing something right, even if he doesn't get hard.

I've wanted to explore CBT (cock and ball torture) before, but never had a victim that I trusted/was close enough to AND who actually enjoyed it and wanted it. Sure, I've threated and used a bit of nails and teeth, but it's not the same with someone actually enjoying it. To my surprise (not sure why I was surprised though) I got really, really turned on by it. Once I think about it, it's fairly logical. It combines three things I like and that turns me on: Power. Taboo/breaking a social norm (which is why for example face slapping turns me on so much). And pain. I love hurting people who want me to hurt them, I really do. That in itself is a huge turn on. The others are just enhancers. (Yeah, I know... I'm a freak.)

I hadn't expected these first couple of weeks to bring me anything I hadn't tried before. I thought it would be mostly getting him up to my level, in terms of what he dares to try and is able to handle. I was obviously wrong: CBT is new to me. Once the session finished, we were both grinning from ear to ear and loudly agreed we HAD to try this again. He didn't really know this was such a huge turn on for him, and I didn't know it would be such a big turn on for me. We both discovered something new, and now that we've had a taste, we both want more of the same.

Forgotten to log

2012-01-22T04:43:00.000+01:00

I forgot to tell this blog that me and T had sex at the 1st of January, on a mini-cruise to Kiel. I don't think I've ever had sex on a boat before.

Also, Corvus has been here a couple of times these last few weeks. He's doing terrible, which isn't really news anymore, as he's mostly always doing pretty badly. The news is that he's finally agreed that seeing someone professional about it (a psycologist or something) is a good idea. Hoping he'll follow through on that, and not just sink into oblivion again.

I told him that even though I love playing with him, he's simply too sick these days. I get very little from doing it, as I never know what kind of mood he'll be in next time or even have any idea when "next time" will be. He's often not answering his phone and just going under ground. Also, it's difficult for me to switch between the dom role and the role of mental health care taker. It's difficult and frustrating to try to keep a BDSM thing going when he's in such a state, and when there's no sense of continuity. This was basically just stating, in clear words, what has been the case for months and months. Sure, he's had ups and downs, but in total he's been going downwards for over a year. (I worry it's my fault, at least partially, but everyone around me keeps telling me it's not.)

Ofcourse I worry about him now. Worry how he's taking this. I still want to be his friend. To cuddle and pet him and support him through what is bound to be a difficult time ahead. I want to be there for him. I want to hold him and hug him and give him advice and generally be everything that I possibly can be. Because I care so much for him, that hasn't changed. I'm just not sure if he's able to see it that way. I worry he's going to get even more depressed now, and this time it WILL be my fault.

A huge munch and a great play session, boding well for the future

2012-01-11T02:43:00.002+01:00

This night has just been fantastic. There was a munch at my local BDSM club tonight, and there was a pre-munch meeting with a youth BDSM group. In the pre-munch meeting we were 25-30 people, which is a record for that group. Very, very good attendance. And at the munch we were over 80 people! Usually, we say it's a very well attended munch if there's 40... So yeah, great to see so many new people comming to our BDSM club at the start of 2012. It bodes well for this year, I think.

If that had been it, I would still have called it a great night. If only for the amount of people and the exhitement and athmosphere. That's far from all though.

I played with a guy today for the first time. I'm naming him Tight, because that's how he likes it. Nice and tight and snug, with as little room to wriggle as possible. He's also a relatively small man, with a lot of fun in a tight little body. He's a bondage fetishist, with a couple of other fetishes thrown in. He's a submissive, with very little experience when it comes to pain. We were thrown together by a friend of ours at a BDSM christmas party a couple of weeks ago, but Tight had to leave early. What little we had time for was fun boded well (hmm... a lot of "boding" tonight... ) for future play, so we agreed to meet again at the munch tonight.

Due to the stuff I wrote about earlier this winter I was very keen on actually getting some real playing done. I was looking so much forward to this munch, I had started to worry that I might have been putting to much into this, and T was trying to cool me down. Telling me he might not even show, that he might be too busy, that we might not match as well as I think etc. Didn't help much though. I KNOW all these things, but I so, so, SO wanted to play with someone again.

He came to the munch, he had time and we did match as well as I thought. At least that's the verdict so far. You can't say anything for sure after one session, but I think this (yes, here it comes again) bodes well. He's the kind of guy who likes to take things slow, so this is not "my new sub" or anything like that. Not yet, anyhow. We have, however, agreed that this evening was great, and that we want to do it again sometime soon.

What makes him different from most of the others I've played with these past months is... Well, first of all it's how we communicate. He's not the most extrovert person, so he doesn't say much that I don't specifically ask for.. However, his body language speaks tons. Tonight, I felt as though I could read him like an open book. That spark, that connection that I was missing when I wrote Cravings, I felt that it was present. At least to some extent.

Secondly, he comes with very few catches. Very few hooks attached. At least that I've found so far. He's not in a demanding relationship, he's not living far away, he's not looking to start dating me.. Though yes, like most of the previous people I've had any sort of association with, he's a practical sort of guy, a handy-man and not an academic. Though as opposed to those other people, he's not politically in stark opposition with me, which is a good thing. He also seems less depressed/mentally troubled than the other people I've played seriously with. He's craving BDSM, but he's not one of the desperate, needy subs. Not a worm, though I'm not sure I'd call him a lion either.

Another very interesting aspect of tonight was my reactions to all of this. When I'm playing "casually", and my head's not in the game, I don't react physically to what I'm doing. I don't get turned on. And even when I'm in the other play mode, where I'm trying to take it more serious, I still need a true connection to make it work. With people I've played with this fall, like Larpy and Mouse, or even Winnie, I've tried to have a serious session.. An it's nice enough, but there's no connection, no spark. And thus I don't REALLY get turned on by it either. Sure, I react to seeing a guy obviously please by what I do, but it's not quite the same.

When I hear Covus moan in pain, or pleasure and pain combined, I get really turned on. It's become an almost instant reaction (and a too rare one, these days). Fascinatingly, my reactions to Tight were in the same ballpark. Not as strong or as instant, but I wouldn't expect that for a first session. But simply the fact that I AM turned on by playing with him, is a really good sign (see what I did there? No boding :P ). Now, this MIGHT just be because it's been quite some time since I did something like this, and I was getting desperate... I don't know.

I didn't do anything with him that was "out of the ordinary" tonight. He had brought a straight jacket, so I put it on him, tied his feet together, and then sat tickling his nose with the end of a rope while he was trying to answer my fairly serious questions. That was all innocent fun, and a nice bit of "foreplay". We then went to a somewhat more secluded spot, where I tied him up. Ancles, thighs, chest, upper arms, lower arms and wrists were all tied to the wall. Then I just petted, tickled, stroked, pinched and scratched him. Like I usually do the first time I play with someone, my goal was to judge his reactions and body language. I also hit him a bit, both with a soft flogger and with a wooden paddle. He doesn't handle pain well, but I think it's mostly from lack of practice.

His reactions were special, and that made this extra fun. I actually managed to drive him into sub-space, or at least that's what I think it was. I don't think I've ever had anyone go in there, certainly not so easily. It was fun, and it gave me a real confidence boost, as I suppose that means I'm doing something right.

I'm really looking forward to playing with him again. I'll keep you posted. :)

Some blog statistics

2012-01-04T02:30:00.001+01:00

In total, since I started this blog in May 2009, the blog has been viewed 3 706 times. This past month, I've had a staggering 491 views.

The top 10 sites viewed most often (in all time) are these:
1. Spontantious sex, planned bondage, 186 times
2. BDSM weekend, 162 times
3. Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture, 159 times
4. Humiliation and chastity, 44 times
5. Cravings, 31 times
6. A recomendation, 28 times
7. Another toy on trial, 18
8. Dominant women: Where are they?,16 times
9. Unable to express myself (that's a first!), 14 times
10. Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm, 13 times

Notice that marked drop in views after the first three. What does this tell me? First of all, that the words I use in my titles are really, really important. "BDSM weekend" is in fact one of the top things people Google that leads them to me. Secondly, this teaches me that linking to other bloggers helps (like in number 3, 6 and 8 up there), and refering to them in the title helps even more. Especially when the blogger is very well known.

Another thing I notice is that a suprising number of posts from 2011 (even late 2011) are on that top 10 list. Now I've made A LOT of posts since May 2009. Seeing such latecommers up on that list means either that 2011 has brought me more followers or that I'm becomming more interesting and that gives me more hits somehow. Maybe it's both for all I know.

As for which refering websites generate traffic to my site, these are the most prominent ones. Not many suprises there, I must admit. :) Appart from various Google sites (.com, .no, .co.uk and strangely .de), these ones were on top:
www.tarvalon.net
maybemaimed.com
denyingthumper.com
I'm pretty sure I've planted the link to my site at all of these locations, usually by leaving a comment on something and refering back to my site. I was rarely trying to get more traffic to my blog, though. I was usually just commenting on something or refering to the blog to avoid re-posting stuff on several sites. Still, it's nice to see more people stopping by here. :)

As for where in the world people are comming from, Norway is first and the USA is on second place. No suprise there, seeing as most of my refering sites are blogs written by Americans and I'm Norwegian. Still, there were some suprises further down the list...
The top 10 countries (all time):
Norway 1 307
USA 982
Canada 531
Great Britain 273
Germany 174
Australia 46
Sweden 34
Netherlands 28
Italy 25
Switzerland 22
I mean.. Switzerland?!? If you are from Switzerland and reading this, please leave a comment and say "hi". I'd love to know you actually exists, and aren't just a search bot or something. :)

That rounds off this evenings blog statistics summary. All these numbers are taken from Bloggers own statistics tool, which is built in to their blogging system. I tried using Google Analytics, but apparently I'm not savvy enough to get it to work properly.

Cravings

2011-12-29T02:31:00.002+01:00

I still play occationally with Corvus, but there's nothing serious. Nothing of any serious duration or depth. He can't take it, he's too fragile mentally these days. Struggling with depressions and I don't know what else. Something physical as well, I think. He keeps having periods of intense dizzyness and nausia, and sometimes he has hallucinations and gets uncertain about what's real and what's not. It scares him, and I get scared for him. I don't want to loose him, I care SO much about him.

Trying to convince him to see a doctor, and finally (this fall) made him tell his doc about the depressions and get some pills. If not for those, I'm not sure he'd still be alive. The phyical troubles are getting worse, though, and he's not doing anything about those yet. And so I worry. I care about him so much and there's no way in hell I'm giving up on him. He's a dear friend, and more than a friend in some ways, and that won't change as long as I have a say in it.

I miss it, though... I have needs, cravings, and they are surfacing. I miss the connection between the dom and the sub. The spark, the feeling of lightning under the fingertips. The sensation that you KNOW this person, know him so well that you can predict every emotion, every reaction.... Almost. And I miss the uncertainty. How far can you push him this time? Will he comply to your wishes or keep struggling against your control? How far is he willing to go into unchartered land? Does he dear to leap and trust? Or is it too soon?

I try to go to BDSM parties of various kinds. At the BDSM club or at people's homes, it doesn't make much difference. There isn't much for me to do there anyhow. All the people there are familiar by now. Either of:

the wrong persuation (doms)
the wrong gender (women)
the wrong age (under 17 or over 45/50-ish)
already taken
not matching my desires/needs or play styles/modes at all

Or some combination of the above. And sure, I play with women from time to time... But a bit of bondage just doesn't do it for me, it's not ENOUGH. There's no depth, no feeling, no mental connection. Besides, I'm straighter than I'd like to admit. I prefer men for most things.. :/

I've played with a couple of people at these aforementioned parties, usually people who're already taken but whom I've been allowed to borrow, and it's nice enough... But it's just that: Nice. Pleasant. No spark. No connection. No one who REALLY appeals to me. And I fear I'm appearing to desperate. I've even opened up for the positibility of finding another toy through the internet, talking about my wish to find another sub in my Fetlife profile. (Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic of me, but what is a girl to do. It's not like I'm going to start placing personal ads anywhere!)

T isn't very sympathetic. He tells me this is how it is for most people. They have to be social and plesant and sit there looking, and only occationally (very occationally) actually get any action themselves. And yes, he's probably right. But just because he's right doesn't mean that I have to accept it or even like it. Damn it, there's supposed to be a LACK of dominant women! Well, if there is, then where the fuck are all these submissive guys?!? They certainly aren't at the parties I'm frequenting, or I would have grabbed on to them by now.. :/ This is supposed to be a woman's market, and yes I might be spoiled in this manner. But damn it, being spoiled is nice and I like it. I would like it to continue, and it isn't.

And so I sit here... Home alone for the hollidays, with two BDSM parties that I'll be attending in the next three days. And yet, I'm fairly certain I will find no one to play with at either of these parties. Not because I'm picky (trust me, if I ever was picky, this "dry spell" has certainly taken care of that!), but because if there's even ONE submissive man of the appropriate age, he'll be swamped by the domiant women present. Typically, he'll already know one or two of those women and so I'll naturally be last in line. I won't fight for someone I don't even know, I'm not THAT desperate. (I still have manners, believe it or not.)

And so I sit here craving.. Missing having a sub I can really connect with, who can handle being played with. And yeah, it's all in my mind... And yeah, it's common and happens to lots of people. That doesn't make it any less bothersome, though!

Dominant women: Where are they?

2011-12-18T17:14:00.000+01:00

It's accepted as a fact of nature that there are more submissive men than there are dominant women. I don't think that's true, or at least that the ratio isn't as skewed as people claim. There ARE dominant women out there, we just don't see them that often. And there are a lot more women who COULD be dominant, but never dare because they are expected to be perfect from the start. Dommes need to learn as well, they need to be uncertain, they need to grow and developp. And they need to be accepted for who they are, not forced into a high-heeled dominatrix mold.

Dominant women are preassured from two different angles. One side is the side of the domiant men, the dumbinants, who want all women to be submissives. They have the support of our society, as well, so they have a lot of power. The other side is the side of the submissive men, the dumb submissive men, who are SO self-centered. Who have watched too much porn and thinks that's how dominant women are supposed to be. Who send mass-produced messages to dominant women on kink sites, where all they do is talk about themselves and their wishes. Domiant women are HUMANS, not sex-robots built for your pleasure. Porn is not reality.

Now, I'm not as angry about this as certain other bloggers out there, but I still feel they have a point (if a somewhat exagerated one). I'll leave you with a quote from one of those fairly angry bloggers, Bitch Jones, which I actually found through another female dominant blogger Dishevelled Domina:

I can’t be bothered with these things because I have a lot of subjects that need tackling. We really need to talk about strap ons and latex and why I have ten different kinds of vibrator.

And whether there really aren’t enough dom women to go around or whether there are really lots but they are scared to come out of their houses because of all the hideousness. And so, instead they give up and compromise and they settle down instead with nice vanilla guys who don’t try and talk them into play piercing and horrible, horrible crotch high boots all the time.

Yes, we have kinks – our own kinks – we are not all encompassing kinky-womenready to enable whatever non-mainstream sexual interest you might have. And you – male subs – might actually be okay with that if there wasn’t so much desperation painted all over it all. If the second you got your claws into a slightly kinky woman you didn’t start trying to remake her kinks in your image. And you’d be able to chill a little more if there were more dom women, which there would be if only…

Do you not see? Do you not see? You have created a woman repelling space full of unreasonable expectations of female physicality, predatory sexual creepiness, penis fixation (just ’cause you’ve locked it in a plastic cage doesn’t mean you aren’t still letting your world revolve around it) and pay-for-play as an acceptable norm.

And then you are surprised – surprised! – that there are no women here. Even though you have practically built a woman repelling force field around this place. You really like sexual frustration that much, huh?

There are enough dom women. There are enough for you to have one each. But they aren’t coming down here until you tidy the place up a bit. Just a bit. Maybe start by putting the porn away. Well *some* of the porn, then.

There’s so little time. There’s so much to fix.

Come on. Come with me. We can poke the Goreans when we’re done.

Why participation in the BDSM community is so important

2011-12-17T02:47:00.000+01:00

On UngBDSM, I recently defined why I'm a part of a BDSM organisation. Why do I go to munches and parties and such? There are three reasons:
1. Play. (Playing with people, waching others play, talking about play, finding/looking for people to play with.)
2. Helping the BDSM community grow and developp in a positive way (meaning recruiting people and helping new people fit in and feel comfortable).
3. Political. (Helping spread the word of BDSM, remove misconceptions and battle ignorance and intolerance.)
I'm not there to make friends. I have friends, and I have other ways of making friends. Ofcourse, if I do get along well with someone we might become friends, I won't refuse anyone like that. But that's not why I'm there.

I'm automatically sceptical towards people who say things like "for me, sex is a private matter, and so I don't participate in a BDSM organisation". For me, it's actually a prerequisite that a potential play partner is (or is willing to become) a part of the BDSM scene in Norway. That doesn't mean that they have to go to every event in their region, but they should at least stop by once in a while. They should be somewhat known in one group or another.

I have several reasons why I feel like this. First of all, the BDSM scene is somewhat self-regulating. People who do stuff which in no way is ok (like ignoring safewords, rudly interfering in others' play, playing while drunk etc) do get a reaction from the community. There will be rumors, people get warned about that person etc. Yes, sometimes this can be a problem, because of false rumors, drama and such, but mostly it works.
Meeting random people online isn't very safe. If you're active in a real life community, you can always ask others if they know the person you've started seeing, if they've heard any rumors etc. You might know people who've played with this person before, and even if no one knows anything in advace, at least you can get other people's opinions about the person from then on. You can observe the person in a social setting, seeing him talking to others etc. Ofcourse, this is no replacement for your own common sense, but it's an extra "safety net" which might come in handy.
Participating in a BDSM group/organisation/scene also makes you learn BDSM-ethics and etiquette. There are many norms and rules for BDSM, wether you're talking about it, practicing it or waching it. These norms are something I (usually) think of as a good thing. If I'm playing with someone, I want us to start off from the same baseline. When we talk about BDSM (and communication is damn important), I want us to use the same words and mean the same when we do. I want us to both know the same basics, like basic bondage safety, that you don't leave people during play, discression, aftercare, negotiations, safewords etc. Ofcourse, you COULD pick up this stuff online, but if you're a part of a Norwegian BDSM organisation, I know for SURE that you've had it explained to you. I don't want to be the sole person responsible for this basic BDSM education, especially with someone who claims (as people who send me messages often do) to have some experience with BDSM already.

I also think it's good for you to talk with people who share your interests, in general. Other BDSM people can give you inspiration, you may learn from them, or them from you. Talking with others about BDSM may open new posibilities, you may learn about things you hadn't previously heard of, you may developp and grow, expand your preferances etc. This is healthy and good for you. Ofcourse, there are people who are ashamed of their interest in BDSM, and because of their shame they don't want to meet others who share their interest. I think it's of particular importance, that these people meet other BDSM-interested people. They need to know that this is great and natural and nothing to be ashamed of. We are no more freaks than anyone else in society.

Another reason is this: When a person participates in the BDSM community, it also makes the community grow. More people, bigger organisations, means a more active community and (in the long run) more influence in society. Another person, now and then, makes a big difference in the long run.

So if you're interested in playing with me, you should be prepared to come to Nonna or participate in another BDSM organisation. If you're new to BDSM and the BDSM scene, I'll help and support you. I'll come with you to munches, talk with you and explain words and rules and stuff. I don't demand that you already be super-active. But when I ask you to join me at a munch, I expect you to come willingly.

If you're not interested in going to munches or parties in a BDSM organisation, I'm not interested in you. It's as easy as that.

Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture

2011-12-06T12:22:00.001+01:00

This started out as a comment, answering Maymay's blog entry "On Being Bondage Furniture". However, it turned out so long and then started talking more about me than about him, and so I'm making it into one of my own blog entries in stead.

I read all your blog entries, but I don't comment much. This seemed like the right time to change that.

My first reaction was "oh, you poor man!". You trigger every instinct in my body to protect and nurture the people I care about. You've had so many bad experiences, felt so lonely and sad, and I just wish there was something I could do. And yes, that might sound odd, seeing as all I've ever done is read your blog, but I have come to care about you. At least the "you" that you show in your blog and twitter comments. I've grown to respect you.

You've tought me to see the BDSM scene (and the world in general) with a new pair of eyes. I notice things now that I didn't before. And because of you, and the things you've tought me, I've realised that your story is just one of many, many others out there. There are so many submissive men who experience similar things. And so, if I can't help you, then at least I can try to help some of them.

The problem, for me, is that I too have been burned. I've met the real creeps, the guys to presented themselves as submissive but just wanted to top. The desperate, submissive guys who turned into stalkers. The guys who didn't want to use safewords in play, or who kept pushing me to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with, or who just wouldn't take no for an answer. I have recieved countless mass-produced messages on various BDSM sites and forums, from submissive men who haven't even bothered to read my profile.

And I know, logically, that most submissive men out there are like you: Kind, intelligent, respectful, who see others as humans first and their roles second. But because I have been burned, I keep being afraid of meeting just another creep. And this makes me afraid of even trying. This scares me, and other female doms/switches I know away from the scene.

But really, there isn't much to do about this, is there?It makes me sad.

Top drop

2011-10-15T19:28:00.003+02:00

I just had my first proper top drop, and I'm writing this in order to sort it all out and get over it. I'm sitting in the dark downstairs, writing on my phone, while the party is still on above me. When I'm done, I'll go up and rejoin it. I was playing with LOL, for the first time in three months. He's a bottom, not a sub, so its all about the physical to him, not the mental.

It was a great session, but after some aftercare he asks me to leave the room. He can't properly let himself go with me there. I leave and he starts crying, just, like he wanted. I check on him now and again, but its clear that my presence isn't wanted. I'experienced this once before with him, and although I didn't like it, I handled it. This time, I didn't. Perhaps because its been so long, or perhaps because it was more intense this time, or perhaps I'm just.more frail than I was then. I don't know.

I was just outside the play room, and B asked me if everything was ok. I started explaining, and all of a sudden, I started crying. She held me and comforted me, and I ended up putting my head in her lap and crying some more. That is as vulnerable and "small" I've been in that club in many years. Thank gods she was there! LOL came out after a while and checked on me, but I couldn't talk to him. Still haven't actually, though I know he's worried. He could see I'd been crying.

First of all I dislike being seen as so weak by one I'm topping, secondly he might be a bottom but I'm still a dominant. It's all about the mental, to me. I feel rejected by him, shut out, when I'm finally getting through that tough, smiling exterior of his, he pushes me away. He won't let me take part. From a rational point of view, I know he doesn't do this to hurt me. And I'm glad he's able to communicate his need for solitude. I want to give him what he needs, but I need too. Taking care of the sub, petting and praising them and helping them back "up", keeping them safe and warm... That is (apparently) MY kind of aftercare. That helps me. And getting the sub to let down all his barriers and letting themself cry, that's a goal for me.

So yeah, feeling rejected and sad are big parts of it. And lonely. Really lonely. It's cold down here and the others have started eating. I better go join them again. Time to put on a happier face and say that everthing is ok. I'm not sure that everything really is.

Desirable? Me?

2011-09-17T18:30:00.003+02:00

Last Saturday, I played with a new guy. I'm naming him F. He's been in the scene for a while. He's cool looking, always seems confident and popular... Just the sort of guy I'd never try to play with. I'm simply to afraid of rejection. He smokes cigarettes, and he knows I hate smoking (I'm fairly vocal about that). Thing is, he's decided to quit smoking, and wanted someone to help him stick to that promise.

So at the party on Saturday, he'd actually approached my fiancé (T) and asked him if he'd be ok with me and F playing together. T gave him the all clear, and seemed fairly amused to be asked in the first place. When I got off work (I'd been working at the bar in the club for the first part of the evening), T told me that F seemed pretty keen on playing with me. I was surprised, because I'd never expected that he'd actually be interested in ME.

Not letting such an oportunity slip away, I went and talked to him. He agreed to play with me and so we did. Before starting out, he'd told me a bit about what he was into (which included breath play, which you know I enjoy). Our play wasn't anything heavy. A bit of bondage, some spanking, some tickling and some light breath play. Mostly just trying things out, to see what worked on him and what didn't. Getting to know his reactions and figuring out what made him tick. I was fairly happy about my performance, but it wasn't anything I haven't done a hundred times before.

The really interesting bit happened the next day. I got a message from him on Fetlife, thanking me for a great evening and saying that I'd fulfilled one of his fantasies. He'd apparently wanted to play with me for quite some time!

I got truly surprised by this. Actually fantazising about playing with me, having thought about it for some time... I mean.. Wow! I've been back in the scene in Oslo for just about a year, and don't feel as though I have THAT much experience as a Dom anyway (about a year with regular, intense play, and three years before that with random, light play). Sure, he's seen me around at the club playing with others. And sure, there is a lack of female dominants in this scene as in all others. But I've seen him too. He's been fairly active, playing with women I concider to be much more experienced (and about 10 years older) than me. I didn't even think that he'd noticed me, much less desired to play with me.

Ofcourse, he could be lying. He could just try to flatter me, as I'm not that confident and compliments are a great way of making me really pleased. He could just be trying to ensure that he's got someone to play with, and makes due with me. These are all posibilities, and I think they are probable. But I don't think he's lying outright. I think he enjoyed what I did to him and what to experience it again. And I think he might actually have noticed me before and wanted to play with me for some time... It's hard to believe, for someone with as low confidence as I, but I really, really WANT to believe him. Because if it was true, and he really did desire me, then that would do great things for my self esteem.

A busy weekend.

2011-09-05T11:52:00.000+02:00

There's a lot of stuff going on these days. A lot of people. I can't possibly keep a record of everything, but I'll give you guys a summary at least.

T:
T and I are doing good these days. At least I think we are. We're both working full time, which leaves little time and even less energy to do much else. But we've had an evening or two each week relaxing together on the couch, waching TV-series or just talking. Those evenings are the best part of the week.

Corvus:
Still playing, and there are bruises to prove it. We met up on Friday AND on Sunday. So it's been a busy weekend. He's been sick a couple of times these past two weeks, and I worry it's something about his inner ear or sense of balance, as he describes it as being sea-sick. Trying to convince him to see a doctor.

Larpy:
A new guy I've played with twice now. Met him through a BDSM youth group, and brought him along to the BDSM club I frequent the most. We played and it was fun. Met up again on Saturday, this time in his appartement. Did bondage, teasing and spanking. (He really can't take much pain at all.) Ended up with having him jerk himself off. It felt natural and right that I never had my clothes off and he didn't have anything to do with my sexuality. He's moving abroad in about a month anyway, so I don't care to get further involved with him. This was just a bit of fun.

War:
Not into BDSM, he's a friend I've known for a few years. We've been flirting for about a year, since he left his girlfriend of 15+ years. He's got low self-esteem and I thought it would be good for him to have someone pay him attention and tell him what a nice guy he is. I spent the night at his place on Saturday, and we flirted and cuddled. A lot of hugs and a few kisses, a bit of fubling but nothing below the belt. I slept next to him, but I was fully dressed. So fairly innocent, really. I think he might hold the record of the oldest man I've ever kissed, though.

And me...? I'm getting more involved in the BDSM club here. Tomorrow, I'll be giving the tour and the introductory lecture for all new members. And on Saturday, I'll be tought how to run the bar at parties. :)

Keeping records

2011-08-06T17:49:00.000+02:00

Just because I like having complete records here: Me and T had sex about a week ago. We've also been snuggling more since he got back from holliday. I like. :)

Queer

2011-07-19T15:44:00.002+02:00

I have issues with the term "queer". It's irrational, but knowing that my issues are irrational doesn't make them go away.

For those who don't know, this is one definition of "queer":

Queer is an umbrella term for sexual minorities[1] that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary.

The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queer

And looking at that definition, there should be no doubt that I'm queer. I get turned on by women and men both, and as such can't be concidered heterosexual. I'm heavily into BDSM. I concider myself at least partially to be polyamorous. There is no doubt that the definition of "queer" fits me like a glove.

My problem, therefore, lies not with the definition of "queer", but with the associations. And this is where irrationality comes in. You see, when I hear the word "queer", this is what I see in my mind:
A woman with very short hair, wearing men's clothing. Perhaps suspenders. Perhaps also a tie, or maybe a palestine-checkered scarf. One who's entire look screams "lesbian" and "political". One who gets all worked up if someone talks of men and woman as a dichotomy, despite this dichotomy being the foundation upon which our entire society and culture is built. (I'm not saying that's a good thing, nor am I saying it's bad to try to change it. I'm just saying that if you're going to get mad every single time, you will spend most of the day, every day, being mad.) I see someone with a long of anger and righteous indignation. One who's burns for a topic and wants to change the world. One who's read too many books written for (and about) so-called queer people (meaning homosexuals, mainly) and who knows too many theories. One who demands that you care about this as much as her, because it's important. One who keeps saying that the fight for equal rights is far from over.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'm not saying that this woman is bad, or wrong. I think it's great that someone wants to stand on the barricades and fight the fight, so that most of us don't have to. She's like a suffragette, or like a woman burning her bra in the 70ies. She's an icon. She's fighting the good fight......... She just isn't me.

I don't fight. I'm not political. It's not that I don't care or that I don't see the inequality. I just have other things that engage me more, and am selfish enough to mainly think about myself. And MY life isn't so bad. I'm engaged to be married with a loving, wonderful man. When I fuck, it's 90% of the time with men. When I fantasize, it's also 90% of the time about men. When I do BDSM-related stuff, it's 75% of the time with men, and anything heavy that actually involves a lot of emotions and real committeemen is 100% with men. I have a BDSM plaything (Corvus), who's also a man (mostly). On the Kinsey Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale), I'm probably a 2. I don't know much about that scale, but I'm certainly no higher than 2. Perhaps even a 1.

You see how this clashes in my mind. The definition of "queer" and my image of who and what "queer" is, just doesn't match. And so my mind creates these ideas of what other queer people think. Because I'm to such a large degree heterosexual that I've even stopped calling myself bisexual these days. Heteroflexible is a better term. If I were to go to an event for queer people, I imagine that they wouldn't accept me. Because I'm not queer enough. Not "hardcore" enough. That I would have a neon sign attached to my forehead that screamed "fake".

I realize, as I'm writing this, that these objections are eerily similar to those I had when I was fresh in the BDSM scene. I was certain that the more serious, "hardcore" players would reject me. That I didn't measure up, wasn't good enough (for more on this topic, see this entry). Perhaps this has truly nothing to do with being or not being queer. Perhaps it's just my fear of the unknown. My fear of a new social arena, my fear of rejection. I don't know. This requires more thinking... I think.

I miss T

2011-07-19T15:14:00.000+02:00

T has been away for a long time now. So long, it feels like forever. It isn't. It's just over a week, I think, though I've lost count. Thing is, before going on holiday, he was at a LARP. And before that, there was a game con. So we haven't had more than a few days together at home and in relative peace for what feels like a month. It's not a month, not even near, but it feels that way.

Not to go completely bonkers, I have Corvus here with me. He sleeps in our bed, he sits in our couch, he eats my food. But he isn't T. I miss how T smells. How he breathes. How he talks. His humor. His smiles. His hugs. The way the thick coat of hair on his chest curls, and is just long enough for me to get a good handful if I grab it.

I haven't really missed him that much earlier, and even now this longing isn't any sort of unbearable pain or anything that melodramatic. It just feels as though I'm incomplete. Like he took a part of me with him. It doesn't hurt me, but it's definitely missing. And I long to be complete once more.

In the meantime, I'm having a very good time here with Corvus. He's in better shape, mentally, than he's been in a long time. Having someone around that makes sure he eats and gets up in the morning probably helps with the loneliness and feeling of despair. And so I worry what will happen when T comes back and Corvus goes back home, alone once more. For now, all I can do is build him up as best as I can. Make sure he rests and recuperates. He's taken a week off work, and I think that does him good.

We play frequently. Never for long at a time and rarely anything deep and serious... But he's always mine. Even when we're equals. Even when he's the boss, teaching me how to drive a car for the first time. Even then, we both know deep down that he's mine. He wears the collar to which only I have the key. He wears the chastity device, a steel cage, to which I'm also the only one with a key. He's got spare keys to both, but they are sealed off. Only to use in an emergency. His cock is mine, just like all of him is mine. And we both enjoy that tremendously.

He's recently started experimenting with a wand. That is, a small, hollow steel rod worn inside the urethra. With it inserted, the chastity cage becomes 100% escape proof. I'm fascinated by it, a bit appalled by it and I know (just like with the chastity cage) that my sense of disgust will probably pass once the idea has grown on me. Then there will only be the fascination left, and before I know it I will become turned on by that too. It's strange how our desires grow and change over time. Gone are the days when all I did was push his limits to suit my own, now we are pushing each other. I wonder what will be next..

Naked in the woods: An exhibitionist's dream

2011-07-09T12:03:00.007+02:00

On Tuesday, T and I had sex. We started out by watching a porn movie (there was a lot of fast forwarding. Primarily to skip the scene with the REALLY cheesy vampires). Then we went to the bedroom, where I lubed up and then we fucked. It was very nice, and I'm pleased that we had sex since he would be leaving for holiday the next day and be gone for two weeks. None of us was able to come like that, it was just too warm. So I gave T and blow job, which ended up as a hand job. He had to help out a bit, but I did most of it myself. It's always a proud moment when I make someone come. He's been away for only four days now, and I kinda miss him already. I'm so used to having him around, it's odd when he's not here.

On Wednesday, I was naked in the woods. Yep, you heard me. I was naked. In the woods. A friend of mine loves to take photos and had some ideas for a shoot. I haven't been naked in front of the camera for 5 years, and I enjoy it, so of course I said yes. He's in an open relationship with a lovely, and very pregnant, woman. She knows what we've been up to and don't mind. First we all had dinner together, then me and him went to a place that he thought suitable. It was about 15-20 minutes hiking to get there.

The first half an hour was a bit awkward. I was red-faced and sweaty from the hike. There were mosquitoes, ants, spruce needles and other pieces of foliage everywhere. Being naked in itself wasn't really a problem, but I felt sweaty and ugly and uncomfortable. Once I had settled myself on the ground and accepted that I was lying on scratchy blueberry bushes (bush-lets? They're tiny) and that there were things crawling all over me.. Then it wasn't so uncomfortable anymore. I felt much more at ease, and started to enjoy being naked, outside on a warm if somewhat overcast day. The temperature was perfect for being naked, there was practically no wind and we ended up with some great pictures. Of course, even though the pictures look great I still don't really like how I look in them: I'm so fat. But I try to silence that voice in my head and just think of it as art. It's easier that way.

As I was lying on the ground, touching myself and trying to look like something out of a renaissance painting, he was sneaking around in the bushes and photographing me. It was clear that he was turned on by the situation, as was I. I am an exhibitionist, after all. We were more or less done with the shoot, but of course we couldn't leave it at that. One thing led to the other, and there I was, naked in the foods, being finger fucked by this guy I don't know all that well. And DAMN, was he good with his fingers! Rougher than I would have thought I could handle, and I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it if I hadn't been that wet. I still have no idea exactly what he did or how he did it, but it was very, very nice. I didn't come, simply because getting me to come isn't that easy. But it was fairly close. He also used his tongue on my tits and pussy, but frankly he just wasn't rough enough. Very, very gentle stimulation on my nipples for example just wasn't enough to make me feel much of anything.

He was still fully dressed, and I could sense that he wouldn't have minded if we left it like that and didn't go any further. However, I enjoy being active too. He'd tasted me, so I though it only fair that I got to taste him. So he zipped down his shorts and stood before me, as I sat on a blanket on the ground. To my surprise, he was circumcised. That is VERY unusual in Norway, only mostly just done for medical reasons (like too tight foreskin). I'd never even touched a circumcised penis before, so that was interesting. I conclude that I prefer the dick with the foreskin intact. It just makes jerking them off so much smoother and easier. Anyhow, I sucked his dick and handled his balls, and he ended up coming right there in front of me. Luckily, I'd brought some wipes, so cleaning up was easy. We then gathered our stuff and went back to their place.

The strangest thing about this experience was the relationship between me and him. There was no tension. No flirting. No emotions other than horniness and a sense of friendship. What we did felt very good, and I'm glad we did it. But afterwards, we might as well have shared a sandwich or picked flowers, for all the tension in the air. Both of us are very straightforward, very uninhibited. We talked and acted that same way when we were having dinner, as when he was shooting me, as when we were giving each other hand-jobs, as when we got back to the car afterwards. The sexual stuff just wasn't any special, and THAT was very, very odd.

In a way, it is ideal. I had, and still have, no issues with having done what I did. I think we could have gone all the way and actually fucked (had T allowed it), and still I would not see that as a problem. There is truly no danger of getting emotionally entangled there, at least not if our relationship continues as it is now. It feels almost like when I'm fondling a woman: It's fun and nice, but there just aren't any emotions involved. I never expected to feel THIS disengaged when dealing with a man, but I must admit it's very practical.

On the other hand, it's also a bit boring. Yes, it felt good. Yes, it was very cool to be outside in the woods, naked and horny. Yes, he's obviously good at what he does (at least some of it). But I can get all this elsewhere too. From T. From Corvus. From myself, non the less. I think the main reason I found it a bit boring is because HE doesn't turn me on. He's a good guy who's nice to hang out with, but he doesn't turn me on. He's short. He enjoys running, and he's very fit. He's a bit too vanilla for my taste. He comes off as somewhat of a "knowitall" and so confident in himself that it's almost uncomfortable. That cool, controlled front of his makes him seem even more uninviting. He does warm up and let loose a bit when he's drunk, and I first got interested in him when he had drunk. So there's obviously something with him, something I can like, underneath that very controlled exterior. He just doesn't let it out when he's sober. At least not amongst people he doesn't know that well (like me).

I think the friendly, uncomplicated, tension-free feeling afterwards is partly from the fact that we both are in relationships and knew that this was only for fun. And partially because I'm not really attracted to him. He's not ugly or that unattractive, so it was fun to do the things we did... But that's also all that there was. I'm glad I did it, and if I get another chance to have a fotoshoot in the nude, I will grab it with both hands. It's fun.

Seeing as his fiancée is due to deliver their baby next week, I don't think I'll get the pictures anytime soon. Once I do get them, I will post a few of them here.

Bare to the world

2011-05-26T22:25:00.003+02:00

Sunday: Had sex with T. It's been a while, and sex is always nice. :) Was a bit of work to get me wet and ready for it, but I got ready eventually.

Tuesday: Played with LOL at the BDSM club. This is the fourth time I've played with him.
1st: Awfull and confusing. His reactions were nothing like what I had expected. Turns out he's a Top/bottom-switch, and not a Dom/sub. Very weird. Talked a lot afterwards, learned more about him and what makes him tick.
2nd: Fucking awsome. Tied to the cross and spanked. He was howling and laughing and mentally flying. I knew what made him tick, I knew what to expect. Had to leave sooner than I wanted, didn't have the time to bring him down properly. Felt a bit rushed.
3rd: Wrestled him to the floor and tied him down, then spanked him. Corvus, B and another girl helped out as there's no way I could have held him on my own. Fun, but not as great.
4th: This Tuesday. Almost up there with the 2nd time. Awsome. :) Had all the time in the world to help him back down from his "flight". Nice.

LOL is a lot of fun to play with. Such energy, such response! But I miss playing with a sub, I miss that intense mental connection between us. There's no tension between me and LOL. No desire. Just pure fun.

I miss Corvus. Not playing, nesecarily, just holding him. Talking with him. I know he's going through a rough time, and I want to help him.

I'm going through a pretty tough time myself. Stressed out, I finally went to see the doctor and got sick leave for the rest of this week. Started crying in the doctor's office, I think that's what did it..

So now I'm on a sick leave.. Though I'm still checking my work-related e-mail account and such. Even if I know I shoulddn't. Next week I have two exams myself, and I also have a whole bunsh of reports for work that should be ready by the 1st... Or by the 8th at the latest. T has been applying for jobs, which has been stressing him out, and yeah.. It's been a rough time for us all, I think.

Luckily, I have T to support me. Broke down pretty badly last night, couldn't stop crying. Just felt empty, flat, grey inside. Like all i felt and though was static, like a TV with no reception. And yet I couldn't stop crying. It felt completely surreal and very illogical. This whole week, I've been getting weepy over nothing. Sad songs on Spotify (Cat's in the Cradle, for example), emotional stuff on Youtube or TV... Stuff that would normally never effect me on an emotional level.

Feels like I have no defenses up, no buffer between me and the world. And so everything I do, and see, and feel and think just rubs me raw and gives me blisters. Luckily, I have T here. He can blow on my methaphorical bumps and bruises, hug me and tell me everything will be ok. I have trouble believing him, but it helps to hear it none the same.

Chastity: My side of the story

2011-05-09T22:02:00.002+02:00

This is about chastity. What I think about it and it what it does to me.

Where it all came from
I'd been following the blog Denying Thumper for a while. Can't remember how I stumbled upon it, but opposed to many other BDSM/sex blogs I've actually kept following this one. Thumper is personal, yet not too personal. He's detailed, knowledable and he updates frequently. I like his topics and way of writing.

When I started out, I had only a vague idea what male chastety was all about. I wasn't particuallary attracted to it, and was fairly new as a Dominant. It seemed a bit scary. As I kept reading Thumper's blog, I got increasingly fascinated. So fascinated in fact that I started wondering what it would be like to try it out in practice.

My relationship with Corvus was growing, and we were getting to know eachother better and exploring the world of BDSM together. I think I was the one who first brought of the idea of using a chastity device. I remeber him getting fascinated and turned on by the idea right from the start. Ofcourse that felt like an added incentive.

The device
We talked about it occationally, but as Corvus spiraled deeper down into depressions I didn't have much hope that we'd get to try it out anytime soon. And then, out of nowhere, he gets the idea to make a steel chastity device himself! And lo and behold, a few days later he's made it... And tried wearing it to work.

Stuff were moving pretty fast for me, and like I mentioned in a previous entry I was both a bit uncomfortable and very currious when I first saw it. A bit repulsed. The balls looked all squashed and red, and the steel tube seemed so hard and mean. As if the dick had been put in jail, and not all of it could fit. It looked so.. unnatural. Unreal, almost. Like a piece of cyborg tech, grafted onto the human body.

I did get used to it, though I might still have some ways to go. It very quickly stopped making me uncomfortable, mainly because I could see what a great effect it had on Corvus. Along with an increased dose of medication, it was helping him out of a depression crisis. I'd love anything that can do that to another person, and I didn't exactly dislike the idea of male chastity to begin with. :P

Orgasm control
He's been in the device most of the time since we started out. It's been about three weeks, I think. He got to come once, after the first week, and has been orgasmless since. After he came, he dropped fairly badly. I can't have him drop like that, and yet I refuse to let my fear of his mood swings dictate whether to let him come or not.

And this is what it does to me: It enforces the idea of property. Of ownership. He is unable to come as long as he's locked in (and as we saw this weekend, he is really unable to come despite some fairly ardous attempts). This weekend, he also liftet his "maximum one month at a time" rule, giving me FULL controll over when and how often he gets to come. Or so he claims...

My property?
If his dick is my property, then I am the one who gets to decide. Meaning that if I wanted him to have eight orgasms in three days, he would do his fucking best to oblige my desire. If I wanted him out of the device for a couple of days, he should do as he is told. And if I wanted him to go for half a year or so without comming, he's accept that as well. And freakishly enough, that last idea seems much easier for him to accept than the first one. I think it's because he's had such incredibly positive experiences with the device so far, he's almost afraid to let it go. I wouldn't call it an addiction, more like an attachement he doesn't know if he can do as well without. I'm hoping this is a phase, and that he will get more willing to accept ALL my wishes and commands in the future. He is mine, it is MINE.

And it's a rush, that ownership. More than the usual sub/Dom-reationship. Since we don't have a 24/7-kind of sub/Dom-relationship, the ownership I have over him is not something reliable. He can take it away from me again, or can simply refuse to bend to my will. And that would be his right. I simply don't trust that he will always be in a submissive mood.

And sure, he could remove the device himself (for now, there will be a lock and only an emergency key awailable to him). And sure, it's all consensual and at any time he could use a codeword and end it. But the power he gives me because of the device still feels more lasting, more reliable, than general submission. This way I will always know that at least a part of him will always ("always") be under my control. Even if everything else in him rebels, as long as he doesn't use a codeword and completely break the illusion that BDSM really is, one part of him is mine. MINE! *cue evil laugh*

Being close
Another thing it does for me, which is more basic than this power-rush from ownership, is a sense of closeness: So far, I've played by the "at least one of us should at least wear underwear"-rule. Because honestly, I don't trust myself 100%. I doubt I ever would, but 0,1% of me says that if I was horney enough and we were both naked... And he was just lying there, tied down and defenceless... It would be SO tempting to fuck him, I might actually do it....Might. And since we can't do that, I would rather be safe than sorry.

But with the device, I don't have to worry. I physically CAN'T fuck him. Not that I think I would anyway, but it's always that little "but if.." in the back of my mind. It's nice not having that issue to worry about anymore. He CAN'T get properly hard, he CAN'T fuck me, he CAN'T come. And so I CAN be naked in the same bed with him. After my second orgasm of the day, I can snuggle up to him, cup his balls in my hand a wach him struggle with the pain and the pleasure. All without having that one nagging thought in my mind. I simply don't have to worry. I like that.

Crossdressing party

2011-05-09T20:41:00.003+02:00

One of my old "protegees" from Trondheim has moved to Oslo, and on Tuesday I brought him to the BDSM club for the first time. He enjoyed it, and since I know he's a crossdresser I've been pushing him to join my little x-dress gang in the Pride Parade. (I'm not a crossdresser myself, I just seem to attract them..) However, to make him brave enough to walk down Oslo main street in plain daylight wearing women's clothes, he definitly needed practice. This was also a great opportunity to get Corvus to try on his female persona for the first time since December. She got a bit of a scare and has only recently started to resurface. Mouse is yet another crossdresser whom I'm trying to help (/push) out of his "closet".

Saturday there was a party at the BDSM club, and so I decided we should have a gathering at my place before heading out. T wasn't against the idea, and so we invited the three crossdressers as well as a handful of other friends. It turned out to be a very nice event. I combed through my closet, adding to the clothes the three guys already had, and helping them find stuff that looked good on them. I also did their makeup. All of a sudden, I'm the expert. That's really odd... As if I have such a great fashion sense or am so good at makeup! Ha!

Corvus arrived the evening before, to help me tidy the appartement and get it ready for guests. We didn't play much Friday night, because he arrived late and I was tired. On Saturday, he got up early and tidied and cleaned most of the appartement, so we actually had some time to play before the guests arrived. That was nice.

At the party, I got to play with a nice-looking woman. We've played a bit once before, at the New Years party a few months back. I haven't dared approach her after that because honestly she seems fairly inapproachable. Too confident, too sure of herself to ever be interested in me. Or so I think. Thought. She actually asked why I'd never tried to fondle or flirt with her.. And I told her, it was because I don't handle rejection well. At which point she stated fairly clearly that she wouldn't reject me. That's strong stuff! That's quite a confidence boost! She has no reason to want me or even like me, nothing to gain from it. So why would she? Perhaps she GENUINLY likes me..? A notion very difficult for me to believe, and yet I can find no other explanation for her behavior. Weird.

T and I have a new "project". I'm naming her Neighbour, because she lives closeby. She's another big girl, the way T likes them. And she's into BDSM. Unfortunately, she's a workaholic and somewhat of a restlest spirit. We never know if she will join us for events or munches, even if she says she will. Work in progress, I suppose. I don't know her well, but what I've seen has been nice. Somewhat of a nerd, reads comics and has even played some roleplaying games.

Anyhow: I've been carefully flirting with her the last couple of times I've seen her. And at the party I actually managed to kiss her. Fairly serious as kisses go, not just a peck. There was tongue involved. That was cool. T played with her later that evening, which (as I've been told) involved both a spanking and some more intimate touching. All our "work" (which is mainly T's work, to be honest, I haven't contributed much) is finally paying off. This is looking good.

Are we cynical about this? Is it wrong? I don't think it is, I think it's great fun and feels good, and therefore it is ok. But I know some people would think us not only despicable, but thoroughly weird. Oh well, that's their problem. We're having a good time and not hurting anyone, that's what matters to me.

Horney

2011-04-28T20:55:00.002+02:00

I've seen Corvus twice so far this week, Tuesday and Wednesday. Mostly, we've just kept eachother company without any major plans for play. However, I know that whenever I'm near him I have a very hard time keeping my hands off him... So ofcourse we've played. The focus has been giving him a good time, reminding him that he means something to someone and getting some food into that body of his. He keeps getting thinner, having lost over 5kg (11 pounds) in a couple of weeks. He never had much to loose in the first place, always being on the skinny side of fit. I worry.

On Tuesday, we went to the BDSM club here in Oslo. It's his first time back there in several months, and I'm really glad to have him with me again. And proud of him for facing it, even though he felt really unsure. He doesn't do well with smalltalk in large groups, because he doesn't take charge of the converastion and steer it towards topics where he can contribute. However, he does very well with smalltalk in smaller groups or one-to-one. He claims he doesn't do social situations well, but I feel he just prooved the oposite. He does very well, he just isn't that active in large groups yet. We all have our issues. I know I'm far from perfect myself, and I can easily get too domineering in large groups. That isn't right either. At least he doesn't make people annoyed with him.. :P

After being social for a few hours, we got sick of hearing people arguing about party concepts and "the way forward". We've heard it all before, and these disagreements go back at least 10 years. Not that interesting to us. So we went upstairs and started playing a bit. After a while, Corvus expressed a desire for a beating. I'm usure wether that was motivated by his own desires, or a desire to satisfy me. I've recently come to enjoy giving spankings again, after having a very fun time with LOL a few weeks ago. Corvus knows that, so perhaps he wanted to show me that I could have just as much fun with him...? Perhaps he felt threatened by my interest in LOL?

I don't know. His reasons are his own, bottom line is that both of us had a really good time. I took it slow, warming him up and never really trying to hurt him. I didn't want him to break, and wanted to see how much I could give him that he would be able to enjoy. Conclusion: More than I had expected. With a slow escalation and a lot of pleasurable stimuli to go with it, he was able to enjoy practically all of the spanking. He even got turned on by it for a while. This is something we will try again sometime soon. It was interesting and fun. :)

We met again on Wednesday, did some shopping and went back to my place. After rincing us both off in the shower, getting rid of the pollen that makes me unable to breathe properly, we made dinner. Well, I sat in the sofa telling him how he should procede to make me dinner. :P He also gave me a foot-rub and did other small favors for me. I like making him do things for me. I like using him as a house-slave. A service-sub. :)

We then retired to the bedroom, where I proceded to turn him on. I think that was as turned on as I've ever made him. "Off scale" as he said at one point. I had a finger up his ass while using a vibrator on his chastity cage and clamps on his nipples. Waching him squirm and moan, unable even to get properly hard, was a lot of fun. Afterwards I read up on prostate milking. Will definitly try that sometime. I like a challenge, and enjoy learning new techniques.

Afterwards I made him touch me. I ended up grabbing his hand and using a vibrator on the outside of his fingers, while I pressed his hand against my crotch. He had no say in the matter and I had full controll over him. I may, however, have bruised his fingers a bit. :P

After I had stopped shaking from a fairly enjoyable orgasm, we went back in the living room. I had felt a cold comming on for the entire evening, and had no energy left for anything. I just sat on the couch looking sleepy. Around 10pm I asked him to leave, as I really wasn't feeling well. I didn't even walk him to the door, which he understood. I then went to bed, and slept for 12 hours.

And now I have a cold. Yuk. :/

March and April: A short and incomplete summary

2011-04-22T22:28:00.005+02:00

Note to self: Stuff happened with Cathalyst this weekend. And with another guy. Will write another entry on that later.

I haven't updated in the last few weeks. Partially because I didn't have the inspiration to do so, and partially because Corvus has had some issues lately. He's been fairly depressed, and it's hurt him to know that other people were enjoying themselves without him. And I HAVE occationally enjoyed myself without him, but I haven't updated here because I didn't want to hurt him. Now he's slowly comming out of that bad place, and so I feel it's ok for me to write updates again.

Question is: How much do I remember? Not sure. I'll start with the most recent and work my way backwards.

Yesterday, T and I had sex. It was nice. Every time we have sex, I'm suprised by how very, very nice it is. Even though it was kinda fast and none of us came, it brings a connection that I feel is important. We belong together, and it enforces that feeling. :)

Before that, I spent the entire day with Corvus. He's recently made and started wearing a chastity device (mostly like a Jailbird from Mature Metals, but home made). It turns him on something fierce, which is immensly fun. He picked me up at home, and after fondling a bit we went to a museum. The museum for science and technology. It had been my idea, because I wanted Corvus to experience something positive that could give him a mental "re-fill". After the museum we had dinner, then did some shopping.

After everything was done, we retired to the car where we played for a while. It had been a long day, and we were tired. Corvus' mood is still faaaar from stable, and he experienced a bout of sadness and depression during our play. I know he isn't doing well these days, and though I wish he was doing fine, it didn't bother me at all. I accept him for who he is, including the less happy parts. Our play wasn't only sad, most of it was fun and nice. It included me having two orgasms, using a vibrator. And at the end, I decided he could have one too. Removing the device is tricky, but he got it off and seemed to enjoy his orgasm. He was then put back inside, and will stay there for the next few days.

I also med Corvus on Tuesday, when he showed me the device for the first time. I'm appalled and fascinated by it at the same time. On one hand, it looks completely unnatural. It squishes the ball-sack into a weird shape, it has two big screws on the front... It doesn't look natural or comfortable, nor really desirable. However, I've long been attracted by the idea of chastity control and chastity devices. I like Mature Metal's design for the Jailbird: Both practical and as safe as can be, whist being estetically pleasing. So whilst seeing it on there was weird and almost a bit grotesque, it was also thrilling, exciting and somewhat of a turn-on. I suspect it will become more of a turn-on once I get used to the thing.

The last month or so, I've seen Corvus several times. Mostly I've been occupied with comforting him and showing him that I'm here for him, encouraging him to seek professional help for his depression, encouraging him to seek professional help for some physical pains he's struggling with etc. There's been some light play, but nothing serious.

I've been to the BDSM club a handful of times and played with a couple of people. First I should mention Mouse. He's this cute little thing that has latched on to Corvus and I. He's a submissive fetishist with a liking for women's shoes and clothing. Enough of a crossdresser to practically be concidered a transvestite, with a desire to express a female persona. He's also married, has kids and his wife is not particually accepting of his desires. He's been to the BDSM club in Oslo twice now, and joined us for a munch outside of town once. I'm encouraging him to come out of his shell and grow in confidence, though that's definitly an up-hill battle.

On his previous visit to the BDSM club almost a month ago, I played with him. We'd talked it over in advace, so he came prepared. There was nothing heavy, nothing I haven't done a bunsh of times before. And because he's new to me and not really my kind of sub, it didn't do much for me either... But it was interesting enough. Some bondage, a hogtie. Som light spanking, tickling and pinching. A bit of pleasure, but very little as I didn't want things to become to sexual. I don't know him well enough, and he is after all married. I doubt we'll play again, but I hope it has given him a taste of what he might find at the BDSM club and encourage him to come again.

Secondly I should tell you about LOL. He's a guy I've played with twice now. He's a switch, but not a submissive or a dominant (at least not yet). He's a bottom and a top, meaning he doesn't do the whole power-play thing. The first time we played, I was expecting a submissive and got a bottom, which was simply weird. He didn't SUBMIT to me, didn't become small and humble like I'm used to. He continued to see eye-to-eye with me. Weird. Just weird. And my attempts to dominate him must have seemed pretty weird to him. Another weird thing: When he get's "high" from being played with, he doesn't get physically horney as some people do. In stead, he get a mental "high", and starts to laugh uncontrollably. He says it's like flying. It made me very unsure, and I didn't really know how to handle it. Afterwards, we talked it over and I asked a whole bunsh of questions to get a better idea of what "made him tick" so to speak.

The second time was much better. I knew what to expect, I was better able to handle it and I adjusted our activities to suit him and our interraction and play style. He had requested a good spanking and I was happy to oblige. And I must honestly say I haven't had as much fun with spanking in a long time, if ever. He gives so much response, buckets and buckets of it. And to me response is everything. I hope to be able to do something like that again, it was so much fun it needs to be repeated.

The only down side was that I only had about 25 minutes for aftercare. T and I were catching a ride with a person who had to leave. He was fairly stable by that time, and there were other people present that I trusted... But I would have liked to be there and help him all the way down from that high myself. Next time, I hope we'll have more time.

So yeah, some stuff has happened these last few weeks. I've missed Corvus, and wished we could spend more time together... But he's dealing with stuff in his own way and tempo, and I respect that. I'm here for him, he knows that, and I'll support him no matter what happens. I want what's best for him and believe him to be a wonderful person, a wonderful friend. It's just sad that he can't see that in himself these days.

No follow-up

2011-03-17T22:54:00.001+01:00

This happened well over a week ago, but I want to document my thoughts and feelings for posterity. So here goes:

I played with a new person last Tuesday. I thought it went fairly well and we talked for a while afterwards. We had some communication issues, and he was young (19) and uncertain and completely new to the scene. So ofcourse things weren't perfect. But good enough, or so I thought. I gave him my phone number and asked him to call/text me so I could get his. I also told him my nick on Fetlife and asked him to add me as a friend. He didn't remember his nick and I didn't have my phone on me at the time, so I didn't get his contact info.

I walk downstairs and head for the toilet. By the time I'm back, he's gone. I haven't heard anything from him since. And so I'm really worried that I did something wrong. Did I freak him out? Did I push him too far? Did he have some kind of bad reaction to something he experienced? Even if I didn't do anything wrong: If he isn't doing ok, and it's because of our play, then I would like to follow up on him. I feel a need to check up on people I've played with, to see that they're doing ok. I have no way of doing that now. It feels uncomfortable and makes me unsure of myself... Perhaps I DID do something wrong..?

Key holder

2011-03-17T22:36:00.003+01:00

Corvus and I are seeing eachother about once or twice per week. And we usually don't play more than once per week, sometimes less. So obviously I'm not blogging as much as I should.I'm not bloging as much as I should these days. I'm not documenting my play sessions well enough anymore. I simply don't have time, and when I do have time I've usually forgotten what I was supposed to write. Don't see a solution to this, other than keeping a physical notebook/diary. Which I'll probably just forget anyway. Nah, I don't know. Enough complaints and excuses though.

Wednesday 16th of March, in the car before dropping me off after we'd been to a munch outside of town... Corvus gave me the second key to his collar. He gave me the first one on Saturday, so that we could have one each. Now I have both. The only way for him to get it off is to cut it off with bolt cutters. (Or to have the lock malfunction again.. It's happened once before.) The collar itself is a twisted steel wire, and the locking mechanism is inside a 2x2x0,5 inch block of steel. The block hangs at his throat, like a piece of jewelry, stopping the wire loop from separating.

I've been waiting for those keys since.... gosh... October? Something like that. Corvus has had so many ups and downs since then, and I totally understand him not wanting to give them to me until he felt ready. I'm still not convinced that he'll be completely fine with this level of control in the future, but for now he seems comfortable and content.

What does this mean to me? Several things. Commitement, first of all. He's signaling that he's got no intention of cutting me off (again) anytime soon. Secondly, I find the collar a beautiful symbol of ownership. Thind, ofcourse, is the power. Would I sound mad if I say that power turns me on? I want it, and when I have it I want more of it. That he wears an item on his body that he is UNABLE to remove without destroying it. And that I, and only I, hold the key... Oh yeah, that thought turns me on. :P

Self-control

2011-03-05T10:06:00.002+01:00

Wednesday was bondage night at the BDSM club, and Corvus and I went there. We started out just socializing separately, and Corvus ended up assisting another guy with tying up a girl. It was obvious that he was enjoying himself, so I just left him to it.

Afterwards, we met up with a woman whom Corvus has talked with online. She's a muscle therapist or something, and thought she might be able to help Corvus walk on ballet boots. He's got a real thing for those, and wears them occationally, but his feet/legs aren't flexible and/or strong enough for him to walk in them. We placed him on massage bench (or whatever it's called in English) and she started examining him. She found a few areas she'd like to continue working on at a later time, and I'm hoping this will help him reach his goal.

Corvus put on a pair of high heeled boots, and I brought him upstairs. Sitting on the couch, I proceded to tie him up and tease him. He got very turned on very quickly, which wasn't suprising as all three of his top fetishes were precent: High heels, corset and bondage. I love teasing him, making him veeeery turned on. It gives an incredible feeling of empowerment, knowing that I have full controll of him and may give or take away the pleasure as I see fit. He was given back contoll of his hands and allowed to jerk off, while I held his body down and stayed close to him. It's important for me that he is acutely aware that the pleasure he feels is comming from me. It's a gift, a priviledge I alow him. It can be taken away from him on my whim, and I want him to be aware of that.

We cleaned up, talked and cuddled for a bit and then left. We'd spent too much time, and left fairly late. Arriving at my house, we stayed in the car talking. Corvus got home really late, and ended up being deprived of sleep for the rest of the week. I feel really bad for him. I want us both to get better at time management, saying "no" and not starting play when we have little time. It's mainly my responsibility, as I'm the top, the active part. And it's difficult, because I love playing with him and don't want to stop. Still, I'll do my best to get better at this. I'd hate for him to have another week with sleep deprivation like this one.

Distractions

2011-02-24T20:52:00.004+01:00

Note: Check out the blog entry on play modes from December 21, 2009 I feel it is connected to this one, in a way.

I played with Corvus on Tuesday, at a munch in the BDSM club here in Oslo. Started out with bondage, which evolved into a kind of "show-and-tell" because people wanted to learn how it was done. We left the main room for the smaller play room in the back, and continued the bondage experience there. A lot of new and new-ish people were there, and wanted to learn more. I love talking with new people, making them feel welcome. It's important to me.

Our play moved from pure bondage, which can be a fairly social experience, to a more serious S&M kind of thing. I'd planned to give Corvus a proper spanking, as it's been a while since we've played much with pain. There were two other groups in the room, involved in play, and they were fairly social. As they were all fairly new, I sometimes voluntaired comments or answered questions they asked. They didn't disturb us on purpose, I was simply unable to keep focused on what I was doing with Corvus.

After playing for a while, trying my best, we stopped and left the room. I had a strong urge to talk with him about what happened, and tell him how sorry I was for getting so distracted all the time. Though he admitted that this play session hadn't worked out very well, he didn't seem upset or disapointed. At least not near as upset as I was.

I think this affected me so strongly, because I know what it's like to be the sub in such a situation. I've experience playing with someone, trying to reach that sub-mode, that mental place where I'm owned and safe and small... And the Dom just wasn't taking the journey with me, wasn't even trying. He kept getting distracted, talking with other people and such. This upset me, because it felt as though he didn't really wish to play with me. When I play, I want to be my playmate's first priority. I want the focus to be on us. If such a situation happened now, I'd probably think: "If you don't think I'm important enough, if you don't really want to play with me, then go away. Either take this seriously or stop faking it."

As this is how I've felt, and in my mind still feel, when I'm the sub... You can imagine I felt pretty bad about behaving like this when I was the Dom. I'm very glad that Corvus didn't take my approach to this situation. He didn't get as upset as I know I'd have gotten. Still, I felt pretty bad about it. In fact, I still feel bad about it.

In hindsight I should have done something. Either gotten a hold of myself and stopped getting so distracted (which I doubt I'd have been able to). Or taken Corvus with me and gone somewhere else to play. Or stopped the session alltogether. It's a lessoned learned. I hope I won't make this same mistake again.

A short summary of last week's events

2011-02-20T22:52:00.002+01:00

Played some more with Corvus last week.

I've started teasing him, turning him on and then denying him the pleasure of comming. That's fun. I just love waching him squirm and moan with pleasure, knowing his pleasure is mine to control. :)

I've also practiced verbally abusing him, humiliating him by calling him names and making him feel small and worthless. It's... Tricky. It feels so fake, it makes me feel awkward and it's difficult to think up nasty things to say. Though in a way, it's fun too... Because it's a challenge. Corvus seems to like it, otherwise I probably wouldn't have bothered. But since he enjoys it, I might as well see if I can grow to enjoy it too. I want to get better at this, being able to do it effortlessly. Another wepon in my arsenal. Then I'll decide wether I really like doing it or not.

Last weekend, Corvus licked and fingered me to another orgasm. He's getting better at that. This time he didn't just enjoy that I was enjoying myself, he was actually getting turned on by it. That makes me feel a bit less selfish, so that's a good thing.

One last thing that's been going on: Corvus is now walking around with high heeled women's shoes in public. He's worn stiletto boots at the BDSM club, for everyone to see and admire. And he's worn wedge heeled boots around town. He might eventually get a few nasty reactions from people, but so far everything has gone well. I'm really proud of him for stepping out of the closet, showing off his fetish like that for everyone to see.

Submissive Corvus: Proof of concept

2011-02-10T22:58:00.003+01:00

This blog entry for the night and I'm finally à jour on all that has happened these last couple of weeks.

We'd agreed to meet on Wednesday to play, as we didn't play on Tuesday. (The suspension wasn't a part of the plan. :P ) As I was saying goodby to Corvus Tuesday evening, I'd scratched his neck and inadvertedly he felt himself drop into a sub-mode. It was very unexpected, and I didn't push it any further that evening. However, it gave me hope that his submissive side might not be as far burried as I'd previously thought. Perhaps it might not take a couple of months for it to resurface?

Still, as we started playing on Wednesday afternoon, I had no expectations of dominance and submission. I really didn't want to push him into anything he didn't feel ready for. So I tied him in a hogtie, and like before I left him alone and sat down to read. I sat next to him on the floor in stead of on the couch, because I wanted him to get the same sense of closeness and safety as last week in the car.

He didn't go into the trance-like state that he'd experienced last week. I'm not sure why, but I think the surroundings was part of it. By now, both of us are actually feeling safer and more relaxed in the car. Despite the obvious limitations of such a cramped space. After less than half and hour, his body language expressed that he wanted to be touched. After a bit of light petting, I took it up a notch.

And to my great suprise, the same actions that had brought him down the previous evening, again put him into a submission mode. He told me, which was a good thing. I'm no mind reader, and I really don't want to guess at such things and then make the wrong assumption. He also told me to take advantage of it while I could, because he didn't know how long it would last or when it might happen again.

And then began an hour or so of more intense playing. I didn't really DO much that was so different from last week... But the intension behind it, and how it was recived by Corvus, was different. Looking into his eyes, I could see the difference. And apparently, he could see it in mine too. He claims my entire being gets this dominant glow when I'm really into a dom/sub play session with him. He's probably right, though I never think about this myself.

At one point he said he wanted to be brought all the way down, shown who's boss. The way I usually do this is by administering physical pain. However, hurting him physically with the intent of making him cry, makes me think of the time just after New Year when everything went wrong. And so it still feels a bit sore, to me. A bit uncomfortable.

I needed some other way to "show him who's boss", and suggested I could fuck him with a strap-on. That ought to show him! We've never done that before, in fact although I actually own two strap-on harnesses I've never done that with anyone. After a few seconds of hessitation, he agreed. We talked about it a bit more, making sure that he was up for it. He was.

And so I put him in a PVC dress and proceded to fuck him with a strap-on. It was fairly impractical and not as hot as I'd imagined, but I did make it work. And it did have the intended humiliating effect on Corvus. That was the point, and so I'm fairly pleased with how it went down, although there's certainly room for improvement. I never imagined having a cock attached to your body would make fucking so impractical. I know where my pussy is, have known for years. This nerveless prastic potrution was a lot trickier. I admire men who walk around with such a thing every day... I realise now that using a dick actually takes a fair amount of practice. Just the angles! I've never really stopped to concider the angles before... An interesting new point of view.

After fucking, he still wasn't all the way down where he wanted to be. I knew he wanted to be properly broken very badly, so I hurt him 'till he broke. It didn't take much. What little pain I did give him, still felt a bit odd to me. Not wrong, precicely, just odd. Uncomfortable. I'll need some time to get used to that again.

He cried, I comforted him. We talked through it, made dinner and then talked more. He wore the brown collar I gave him about half a year ago. He was mine again, if only for a short while. I doubt it'll last, but it was very nice to have him back even for such a short while. He still has a submissive side which he's able to enjoy. Just like with the suspension the day before, this day also felt much like a trial run. Far from perfect, but certainly enough to proove the concept.

And to quote my Fetlife status update: "Fuck yeah, THIS is what I'm talking about! *grins madly*"

Suspension: Proof of concept

2011-02-10T22:40:00.004+01:00

Tuesday this week, we WOULD go to a much. And to ensure that we'd actually end up there, we decided (well, I decided) that we shouldn't play beforehand. In stead, we'd meet the following day to play.

The munch was nice. I haven't been there for a month, and when I was there last time I really didn't enjoy myself. Corvus was going through a really rough period, and I felt sad and abandoned and alone. Really not the right mood to be social and have fun. Anyhow, enough remenissing. This time, it was very nice.

An added bonus to the evening was a guy performing suspension in the main room of the club. This is a fairly uncommon occurence. Earlier that night, I'd showed the guy a bondage picture from Rhianna's newest music video "S&M". The hip-harness fascinated me, and I was wondering how it was done. The guy said he'd do something similar fairly shortly, and invited me to watch. So I sat pretty close and asked a few questions (after making sure questions were welcome).

It's probably the fourth or fifth time I've seen suspension done live. Every time the possition of the "suspendee" was different, so there's been no repetition. This time was different from the other times, as the technique the guy used was fairly simple. After waching, I felt fairly certain I could replicate it. Perhaps not perfectly, but well enough that it might work for me as well.

An hour or so later, I brough Corvus into the play room, where we proceded to try out that particular bondage technique. I needed to make sure I could make it work, while I still had someone available who might help me if I misremembered. To my pleasure, I remembered it well enough. And once Corvus was all tied up, it was too tempting not to attach him to the celing to see if I could make him fly.

It was very much a "don't try this at home"-kind of thing. The ropes were the old community ropes that the club has available for it's visitors. The attachement point was a pig-tail shaped hook in the celing. Gods know how long it's been there or how it was attached in the first place. The ropes might snap, the hook might fall down, not to mention that neither I nor Corvus had ever done suspension before. It was far from safe.

However, it was safe enough that I would risk it. The elevation wasn't high and Corvus had partial control so he could probably have saved himself if he'd fallen. We took the risk, and it was worth it.. Because it worked! I have done suspension for the first time and it was AWSOME! Corvus was 100% off the ground, hovering in mid air with only ropes supporting him. And I'd made it happen, all on my own. No one to help me, no one to teach me. Fuck yeah! Did I mention awsome? AWSOME!

It was far from perfect. We (I) need more practice placing the ropes on the right area of the limb, as well as balancing the different body parts. The weight on is distributed differently on Corvus and on the female "suspendee" that the guy had used for his demonstration. So we need practice. And better equipment. Still, he was off the ground and in bondage. It was suspention. We prooved we could make it work. I made it work!

How not to go to a much

2011-02-10T22:29:00.004+01:00

Tuesday last week, Corvus and I were supposed to go to a munch at the local club. We met up after work and did a few erands, before parking the car and getting in the back. The "Dungeon Express", as it's been so fittingly named. We'd agreed only to play with the bondage fetish that day, no submission/dominance and nothing heavy or intense. He'd been very much involved beforehand, planning the session with me.

I locked leather cuffs on his wrists and ancles and tied him in a hogtie. I lay on his side, as this was what he said he'd prefer. He was left alone for about an hour. The car isn't big, so as I was sitting next to him reading silently to myself, we touched occationally. It was nice to have such a close contact with him, and yet being separate. The close confines of the car made it all feel safe and just very nice.

After about an hour or so, he needed to move his limbs a bit. I loosened the hogtie and tied him with his arms in front in stead. Then I proceded to play a bit with him. Nothing heavy: Petting, stroking, scratching and gentle use of my mouth. He told me I could be a bit more rough, and so I was. Still nothing really heavy.

Beforehand, I hadn't expected the play to go much further than that. However, I hadn't taken into account the effect this had on Corvus. He got very horney, and although THAT was expected, I hadn't expected him to want to do something about it. So while his hands were cuffed together and I was leaning over him, pinching his nipples and biting his ear lobes, he jerked off. And came. It wasn't easy for him, he even got a shallow wound on his hand from the edge of a cuff, but he did it.

And although it wasn't submission and dominance like we'd done before, it was still fulfilling. I enjoyed seeing him enjoy himself, I enjoyed the physical power given to me as I tied him up and teased him. I admit, I missed the mental submission, but I was prepared for it.

Oh, and we never made it to the munch that night. In stead, we spent the evening in the car, cuddling and talking through what had happened and how we felt about it. As the day ended, I was expecting all our future play sessions to be somewhat similar for at least another few weeks. Possibly a couple of months. As my next blog entry will show, that was not the case.

A one-night-spank

2011-01-30T23:47:00.006+01:00

I went to a all-girls party last night, and had the BDSM equivalent of a one-night-stand. I'm naming it a "one-night-spank".

I wasn't really in the mood to go at all, but felt I should go as B was one of the organisers and I do agree that it's a great concept. I wanted to support the concept and the organizers' idea.

Before the party: Dinner with Corvus
I met up with Corvus beforehand and had dinner. He was going to another party. He drove me to my party before going to meet up with a couple of his own friends. Before I exited the car, I petted and teased him a bit. It had a major effect on him, making him really turned on. It was just a few minutes, but it was a lot of fun.

It had a big impact on me as well, as I've REALLY missed playing with him. Sure, it wasn't D/s in the true sense of the word, but I was still the active part and affecting his body and emotions. I was the Top. And even though he wasn't submitting to me mentally, it still felt empowering to me to be alowed to tease him like that. There isn't the intense emotional connection of a sub/Dom scene, but that's just fine. He isn't up to that these days, and probably won't be up for it in quite a while. This lighter tone of Top/bottom feels good too, and I think it's easier to handle for both of us.

The party
Walking away from his car, I felt much more motivated for BDSM than I had in a long time. It's strange how tiny things make such a big difference. At the party, there was a diverse crowd. A few lesbian BDSM couples, arriving together and staying together the entire evening. A few lesbians arriving alone, a few who weren't so easy to put tags on and a couple of transvestites.

One of the trannies was someone I hadn't seen before. Fairly old, I was thinking late 40-ies/early 50-ies, fairly shy and uncertain and obviously quite inexperience and very eager. He/she (I will hereforth use "he" as he's singning e-mails using his male name and lives as a male in his daily life) kept hoveing in the outskirts of conversations, not being quite forward enough to ever quite get through with his own comments. He was just on the edge between eager and desperate, but wasn't being annoying or creepy.

Sometime after midnight, I was seriously concidering going home. I wasn't having such a great time, I was cold and somewhat bored. I decided to change into my regular clothes and see if that would improve my mood. As I got back from changing my clothes, I joined a group of people which included that transvestite. I said something nonsensical to start a conversation with him.. Something like "I suppose this hallway is the place to be?". Before I knew it he'd said straight out that if I was looking for someone to Dominate, he would be willing.

This quite forward suggestion took me somewhat by suprise. On one side, I'd been sensing that he'd wanted someone to play with and was somewhat interested in me. It had become apparent throughout the evening. On the other hand I'm just not used to people comming on to me like that. Right there and then, I REALLY wasn't in the mood and wanted to turn him down. However, I also felt sorry for him. He was obviously very keen on playing and was feeling fairly insecure, so turning him down would probably make him even more insecure. Rejection is difficult to deal with, even in the most ideal circumstances, and I didn't want to hurt him.

So in stead I told him I wasn't sure if I felt like it, but maybe we could talk a bit more and get to know eachother. We walked into the quiet zone, where the music wasn't as loud, and sat down next to one another. After some time sitting and talking, getting to know eachother, I was slowly getting used to the idea of playing with this person. We started light, a bit of pinching and such and then went downstairs to the play areas.

Naughty subs = manipulative wannabe Tops?
Playing with this person was fairly odd as he was SO different from what I'm used to. First of all, he was a "naughty sub" meaning that he rebelled and disobeyed the commands I gave him. When I give an order, it's because I want or need the sub to comply. I need to be obeyed in the sceene to ensure the safety and comfort of both myself and the sub. If the sub keeps disobeying I loose trust in him, eventually making playing with that sub impossible for me.

My problem was, I didn't realise that he was being so naughty on purpose until we'd played for a little while. And even then, when I started to "play along" more or less, he seemed unable to differentiate between what rules he might safely disobey (like "stand still while I'm hitting your ass") and which rules he should obey or I would get seriously annoyed and stop playing (like "I don't like that you keep trying to touch me, please don't do that again").

I'm not sure I like naughty subs at all. Naughty subs seem to disobey as a way to provoke punishment and harsher treatment. To me, this smells heavily of trying to manipulate the Dominant, "topping from the bottom" as some people call it. Expressing your wishes and desires is a good thing, trying to force the Dom to fulfill them is not. As a Dominant, I don't need excuses to punish a sub. If I wish to subject the sub to pain or humiliation, I will do so, without any prompting from the sub. I could just ignore the subs naughtyness, but with a fresh sub that I don't know that doesn't work out so well because I need to establish myself as the boss. Rebelling can't be tollerated. So I have to react to the subs naughtyness, which is exactly what the sub wants. But then I'm dancing to his tune, in stead of him dancing to mine. Who was in controll, again?

Perhaps other Doms think differently, perhaps they enjoy the naughty subs. I'm sure I wouldn't mind a sub being naughty now and again, but with a few clear rules in place:
1. Know which commands must be obeyed and which may safely be disobeyed. Only rebell on the small things, never on bigger issues.
2. Be clear in your signals to the Dom that "I'm being naughty now", so that to make sure you are percieved as a naughty sub within the scene (the roleplay). If you fail to do this, you will be percived as though you are objecting to the command OUTSIDE the scene (the roleplay), meaning there is something seriously wrong and codewords should have been used.
3. Don't do it all the time. This should be an occational thing. Never, EVER try to push the Dom into doing something she/he doesn't wish to do. You are not the boss. You may state your opinions and wishes, you may not nag about them and try to push them down someone's throat.
4. Be satisfied with whatever reaction you get. You may be ignored. You may be verbally corrected. You may end up getting a serious beating or other long-term punishment. You are not the one in control of this. The Dom has the priviledge of not having to be reasonable in her/his reactions. Whatever happens is your fault. Deal with it and don't bitch.
Winnie is the perfect example of someone who complies with these rules. At least to a very large degree. He's the naughtiest sub I know, and yet he's very fun to play with.

People I don't know shouldn't try to touch me!
Another issue I had with this person was his need to touch me. I'm used to using my body as a means of comfort and a way of establishing rank. For example having the submissive lean on me, put his head in my lap etc. I'm using to petting, stroking and comforting the sub. What I'm not used to is the sub taking so much initiative in touching me back. With someone I know, I greatly enjoy being touched and petted myself. However, with someone I'd just met it just feel weird. Creepy, even. I told him to stop several times, as well as physically grabbing his hand and moving it away. And yet he percisted. We talked it over afterwards, and it turned out he was just being naughty. He didn't percieve that command as something to take seriously, but as just another part of the scene (the roleplay). During the scene, this felt very uncomfortable and weird to me. I was on the verge of ending the scene multiple times. The touching wasn't intimate in any way. Just on whatever bodypart was closest to him (arm, leg etc). Still, I didn't like it.

Seen in hindsight, I probably should have used a codeword (yellow/pink) to properly communicate how I felt about that. However at the time I was afraid he'd get a serious sub drop or similar depressive reaction of I stopped or ended the scene in such a abrupt manner. I think I should perhaps learn to become more selfish.

Afterwards
After the party ended, I ended up comming with him to his hotel so we could talk some more. I felt responsible for his wellbeing, seeing as we'd just played, and didn't want to let him go without ensuring that he was ok. I was not the least bit afraid of him. He was completely harmless, way to insecure and delicate to in any way wish to harm me. We talked for another hour and a half, and then I went home.

Today, I recieved an e-mail from him thanking me for a great night and expressing a wish to see me again. I responded, letting him know that I enjoyed myself and would indeed like to get to know him better. However, I was very clear on the subject of further playing: I doubt we'll ever play again. I won't rule it out completely, but I really don't want him to have any illusions that we might somehow become play partners.

Anal

2011-01-29T12:17:00.002+01:00

T and I had a great evening yesterday. After dinner, we wached part of a movie called "Dirty Diaries". It was a gift from B at our birthday (or Christmas? I can't remember), and it's 12 short movies. It's feminist porn meets art. A couple of them were definitly more art than porn, but some were really cool. We stopped the film about halfway through and went into the bedroom to have sex.

A few people in an online community I'm a member of have been mentioning DP lately. DP = Double penetration. I wasn't sure what the big fuss was about, but it's been a long time since we've done anything anal, so I figured we could try it out.

Getting the but plug inside me went surprisingly well. I lubed myself up, put a condom on the plug and lubed it well, then started pushing it in. About half-way I had to stop, to let the muscles get used to it. T held a vibrator to the base of the plug, which was a great help. Somehow, vibrations make it feel less uncomfortable and I avoided that burning, aching feeling almost entirely. Slowly, I got it almost all the way in, but the last half of a centimeter just wouldn't go in without it hurting. And if it's hurting, you're doing it wrong. So after trying for a while, I took the blug back out and put more lube on it. That did the trick. I was able to push it all the way in with very little trouble. T was wonderfully patient and helpful, which made me relax more and not get stressed. I always worry that I'm boring him, when I do stuff that takes a bit of time.

Perhaps I've misunderstood something, but we tried him fucking me whilst I had the but plug up my ass. That worked out well enough, after some fumbling, but the base of the butplug got a bit in the way. He was completely unable to figer me, as long as it was in me. Fucking was possible, in certain positions, but I'm not sure there was that much of a difference to either of us. I'm just not sure if it's worth all the work and fumbling. Though I'm definitly not complaining. I came twice. *grin*

Afterwards, I took the plug out and we tried regular anal (with his dick). We were able to get it in, but I was getting a bit sore and it didn't do much for him, so we stopped and instead just had regular sex. And that was very nice too. :)

I was a bit tense, it felt a bit odd and I have no routies on how to do it. So it wasn't the best of circumstances, I suppose. Still, the but plug did on occation feel somewhat nice (which is more than I've gotten out of it the previous times I've tried). The vibrations, especially, but then I'm a sucker for vibrators. I definitly see the potential of anal being very nice, we just haven't worked out how to do that yet. Perhaps a vibrating but plug up my ass combined with a vibrator (like my beloved Stubby) in my pussy? I don't feel like trying it out anytime soon, but perhaps sometime is the future.

Too much time on my hands

2011-01-29T12:05:00.003+01:00

Corvus and I met up about a week ago, to talk things over. That helped. A lot. Knowing I wouldn't loose him entirely, even if we wouldn't be playing anymore, was a great comfort. Also, it was great simply to know that he was doing ok. We agreed that we needed to take things slow, but he wasn't averse to the idea of starting to play again sometime in the future. Having that to look forward to, in stead of just cutting everything out of my life, also helped.

Still, being so suddenly without a play partner has had an inpact on me. I'm a lot less motivated to participate in munches and parties in the BDSM scene. I don't have the energy or interest of trying to catch someone new. I was what we had, or barring that I don't really want anything. I've been to a cruising party, but all I did was walk around and watch. I left early. Tonight, I'm going to an all-girls party. There's a lot of people I know, so I guess it'll be cool seeing them again. But I'm not feeling terribly excited about it. :/

As I'm not participating in the local BDSM scene, nor meeting up with Corvus privately, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. Much of that time is spent with T, which has been good for both of us. However, T has other stuff to do so he isn't always home. And besides, if we were always sitting on top of eachother it would drive us both mad. :P

So I would have liked to have SOMETHING to do during weekdays. My days feel so empty now, they're all the same. I work, I go shopping, I go home, I wach TV, I make dinner for myself or for the both of us. Then I play Dragon Age on our Playstation, read or spend time online until it's time to go to bed. I sleep, I get up, I go to work. And for most days in the week, that would be just fine. Corvus was my hobby, because BDSM was my hobby. With him gone, and me loosing interest in the BDSM community (temporarily, I hope), there's very little left for me to occupy my time.

Sure, I have other things that I enjoy doing. Like playing tabletop roleplay. However, it's not happening often enough to be that kind of hobby. Before, ever Tuesday I knew where I'd be. Now I don't. Perhaps I'll feel like going to the occational much sometime soon, but without someone to play with it just isn't the same.

Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm

2011-01-20T00:54:00.002+01:00

For many years I've advocated that for some people, breaking down into tears and crying while engaged in BDSM play is beneficial. For me it certainly has been. It's a form of release, where physical pain becomes the trigger to also release emotional pain and stress. I still believe firmly that for some people, this is positive. The fact that I've experienced it as positive is enough to make that statement true.

However, I've recently started thinking of a way where breaking can be used in a negative manner. A manner very similar to what I was talking about before, but which takes the "self-medication" value and brings it to a new extreme. I'm not sure if this is what I experienced with Corvus, and helped him do to himself, just before and after Christmas... But it does have certain signs. Specifically, I'm talking about self-harm.

From Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm

Self-harm is also apparent in high-functioning individuals who have no underlying clinical diagnosis. The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions. These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness and a sense of failure or self-loathing.
(...)
As well as defining self-harm in terms of the act of damaging one's own body, it may be more accurate to define self-harm in terms of the intent, and the emotional distress that the person is attempting to deal with.

Just to have it clear: I have never purposfully broken the skin of anyone. Nor have I ever hurt anyone to the extent where you could see significant strain on the skin, like skabs or very serious bruising. Sure, there's been bruises, but nothing akind to what I see other BDSM people submitting themself or others to.

However, from the definition of self harm it is something hurtfull you put yourself through in an attempt to temporarily relieve yourself of emotional stress, depression etc. And isn't that exactly what breaking does too? Isn't that exactly what I said was so GOOD about being made to cry during a BDSM scene in my first paragraph? I think these are eerily similar. Have I assisted Corvus in doing harm to himself?!?

On the other hand, lots of other potentially dangerous things are done as a form of stress relief. Basejumping comes to mind... Motorcycle racing.... Going to a football match and screaming at the oposing team and their supporters... Working out until you can barely stand upright... All these can also be said to be potentially dangerous, hurtfull or both. And all may be used as a way to relieve emotional stress and such.

In the end, I think all these methods of relief relate to the release of hormones. Endorphines, adrenaline or whatever they're all called. (I'm no biochemist. :P )What gives you a kick or a feeling of joy when your heart is racing and you're doing something your instincts tell you that you shouldn't. And then you go ahead and do it anyway.

What differentiates self-harm from all these others is perhaps that it is "harm". Not "hurt" or "endanger" but simple, destructive "harm". It is destroying in stead of building. Perhaps.. I'm really not sure. (I'm no psycologist either. :P ) I guess I just don't know enough about this area to really be able to answer my own questions. Perhaps someone else out there can?

Interlude: A party outside of town

2011-01-20T00:36:00.002+01:00

While all this crap was going on, ofcourse our daily lives continued. T, Corvus and I went to a party at a friend's house outside of town. We were celebrating the second aniversary of their new, fairly small BDSM club.

Corvus was not doing well. On one hand he was happy to be out and about, seeing people and functioning.. On the other side, he was clearly stressed and depressed and didn't know how to handle it. He broke down in tears, practically without me touching him, three times during 24 hours.

At least T had a good time. He was hanging out with Flower as well as being social with others in that club. That scene concists mainly of people under 40, so we were all fairly young and many shared some rather geeky hobbies. All three of us spent the night there, and the next day T stayed behind whilst Corvus and I went home.

I'm absolutely thrilled that T had such a good time. Being solicided, invited and encouraged by another woman like that is great for his self-esteem! I also view him having more sex as a pluss for us as a couple, almost regardless of whom that sex is with. Sexual activity breeds sexual activity, meaning that in periods when he's active with others, we typically have more sex too. Or, if we're not in the mood for sex, then at least we're more affectionate and cuddly and happy. So everyone benefits from this, it's not just some crazy altruistic thought that doesn't lead to anything good. (See, I'm not nuts. :P )

What has happened, part 3: An attempted chronology

2011-01-19T23:40:00.003+01:00

Middle of August 2010: Met Corvus for the first time, started playing after the third meeting. Talked a lot beforehand.

November: The rollercoaster ride of emotions that corvus was experiencing after our play sessions were getting steeper and more extreme. Tried my best to help him and be supportive.

December: Corvus showing clear signs of being depressed.

Late December: Two weeks appart because of vacations. He grows increasingly depressed. Is talking about taking his own life.

Early January: Corvus is suicidal. I managed to talk him out of it, keep him close, help him as much as I can. He stays at mine and T's appartement for several days, so as not to be alone.

Week 2 of January: He expects to function in tip-top shape, both at work and privately, despite having just been on the virge of suicide. Is frustrated that he's unable to live up to his own expectations of himself. Does not recoginze that mental problems should be regarded as illnesses, just as if you'd broken a leg or had gotten pneumonia. Refuses to seek professional help. Stopped wearing corsets (which to me was a major warning sign).

Friday January 12: Decides to cut out everything relating to fetish and BDSM. Will not even have anything to do with his own fetishes, not even when alone at home. Ends the BDSM relationship he's had with me.

Satuday January 13: Talks with a friend of his who's taken over my place as "primary supporter". Good he's got someone, at least. Is asked if I can still be a friend to him, because he needs it. I respond that if the need is dire, then he can always come to me. I'm here for him. But UNLESS there is a dire need, I'd prefer if we could keep our distances for a while.

Sunday January 14: Shows Fetlife that he's still alive by posting an entry stating that this hiatus is probably just temporary. Has obviously done a lot of thinking, now saying that the reasons for the hiatus is to find a balance between BDSM/kink and real life. Because BDSM was taking over, so he had no time or energy left for anything else. I find myself agreeing with him, but wish he'd come to this realisation sooner.. Before he'd hurt me as bad as he did.

Monday January 15: Corvus is back in corsets again, or so he says on Fetlife. This gives me great joy to see, as I take it as a sign he's recovering. (Though it could just be a sign that the muscles of his lower back have been weakened by a couple of years continuously in corsets, and that he hasn't got any other choice.. :P )

Current status: He seems to be on his way back to a normal life. At least according to Fetlife. I've had no direct contact with him, nor with any of his friends. So what this means, how well he truly is and what will happen in the future.. I don't know.

Ofcourse I hope he can work through this, find that balance he's searching for and that we then can get back to playing with eachother again. Because I really enjoy it and given a choice I'd love to continue doing it. I'm more than willing to take a break, give him the time he needs, and then try to keep things slow... But I fear that won't happen. I fear we won't play again, because trust has been broken on both sides. Besides, I don't know if we'll ever play again, because I don't know if he'll ever want me back. Or by the time he does want me back, perhaps I've gotten over him? Perhaps I've found some other toy, or simply changed my mind? Only the future will show.

What has happened, part 2: Guilt

2011-01-19T22:58:00.002+01:00

This is a copy of a post I made in a group on Fetlife:

Subdrop: Always a result of insufficient aftercare ?

I've recently had a pretty tough experience with a depressive sub. When I look back now, it seems clear to me that the depression somehow was triggered by our playing. After reading about subdrop online (inspired by a group I noticed he'd joined), the description of subdrop looks eerily like what he seemed to go through. Or at least subdrops might have been a trigger, a cathalyst for an underlying depression that up until then had been held in check.

Example of what I've been reading: BDSM for beginners: Aftercare for submissives

And this is where I got confused, and almost offended by what I found online. The description and explanations I found seemed to say that subdrop could occur if the aftercare hadn't been sufficent (either in quality or quantity). In other words: If the Dom(me) knew their business, did what he/she was supposed to do and took properly care of the sub, then subdrop wouldn't happen.

And from personal experience I find this hard to believe. I've been on the submissive side myself, I KNOW how essential aftercare is. Reading guides and tips I can honestly say that I've done (or at least tried) practically everything. I cuddle a lot, I give praise and I encourage, I keep the sub warm, make sure he drinks enough and gets his bloodsugar back up. I keep an eye on him once he's back on his feet, talking over the session with him if he wants or just keep him company if that's what he prefers. We discuss how we felt, how we feel, what worked and what didn't, and we aproach the "normal world" slowly and with care. I do all this, I know all this!

So if there isn't anything wrong with my aftercare, then he shouldn't have subdrops. But it seems a lot as though that's exactly what has been going on. He's been dropping once he's alone again, usually a few hours (sometimes as much as a day) after a session. He becomes moody, introvert or just sad and scared, for no apparent reason (sounds familiar, right?). And it usually passes again within a day or so. (Or at least it used to, before a full blow depression got in the way.)

So if those were subdrops, and we just didn't see it at the time... Then I must have beend doing something wrong with the aftercare. Right?

Or perhaps the online litterature on this field isn't entirely correct...? Perhaps you can do everything "by the book" and still have the sub experience subdrop. What do you think? And if this is the case, what on earth should one DO with it?!?

What has happened, part 1: A chaotic jumble of feelings

2011-01-19T22:07:00.004+01:00

Where the fuck should I start? These last three weeks have been a chaotic, confusing, frustrating jumble of crap. I couldn't possibly do this chronologically, but luckily this isn't a ship's log so I don't have to. This is about me writing and in the process trying to structure my mind and inject some order into the chaos of thoughts and emotions that is me.

Let's start at the end, which was Friday the 14th of January. Corvus dumps me. The term is inapropriate, because we were never "together" as the term suggests, but I have no better word for what happened. We went from having a BDSM relationship, a close bond between friends who did a lot of fun and exciting stuff together, to not have anything at all. And in a blink of an eye. He decided to cut all kink, all BDSM and fetish and everything, out of his life. So naturally, I had to be cut too. He didn't seem to care the least that he, just with a few words, ended something amazing and fulfilling that has lasted for almost 5 months. There was no concideration for me, how I'd take it, what I'd feel. It was selfish, and although it was obviously done as a desperate act in order to survive (more about that later), it wasn't pleasant to be in the recieving end. It wasn't even face to face, it was by phone.. While he was busy at work. I don't think the circumstances could possibly have been worse.

So yeah, I'm hurt. The way he did it, with no concideration or empathy, hurt like hell. Rationally, I know that he didn't mean to hurt me, but emotions don't listen to reason. He did. And it wasn't nice.

I'm coping fairly well. Most of the time, I'm too busy to think about it much. It's moments like this, when I'm writing about it or explaining it to someone... I feel tears welling up. I can't explain why, really, not even to myself. What is it I miss? What is my problem? Why can't I just shrug and move on?

A large part of it is loosing a friend. Sure, we could still be friends, and probably will be again sometime. But right now, when I'm hurting and really could need him to hug, rant to, talk with... Now he isn't here. I used to be so involved in his life. What goes on with his collegues now, more drama? Has his friend settled in the house he's bought? Has he figured out what was wrong with his car? Has his sister given birth yet and is she doing ok? I don't know, and I won't be able to find out. I miss the chatting, exchanging stories and advice. Supporting eachother. It's what friends do, and we aren't doing that.

Eventually we could get back to that friendship, if perhaps not as strongly as we used to. For now, I'm choosing to keep a distance to him. Why? Because I also miss him as a play partner. The connection we had. I miss the way he moan when I twist his nipples. The way he squirms underneath me when I'm stopping his breathing. The way he looks at me sometimes. The way he sits on the floor in front of me, head in my lap, my fingers in his hair. The way his breathing changes when I put my mouth to his ear, flicking my tongue over his earlobe.

Right now, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my hands from him. Touching him, in some way or another, seems so natural when we're in the same room together. It's what I've been doing for 5 months now. Seeing him again now, and being unable to do that... I know it would make me ache. It would feel weird, unnatural. "He is MINE!", my mind screams. "Mine to touch, to hurt, to grab, to pet. My toy, my plaything!" Or so he was. And that hurts too.

And then there's the social part. In a way, that is the bit which at the moment is the biggest hindrance in my daily life. I've been playing with Corvus almost since I got back involved with the Oslo BDSM scene. When I am at the club, we play. Or at least were both there, usually, so I have his company. I have him to focus on.

To quote a status update I wrote on Fetlife yesterday (Tuesdays is the regular munch day):

What's the point of showing up, if you have nothing to do?

Someone suggested socializing is a good reason to show up, or to meet random people to tie up. My answer to that was:

If I want to meet friends, I can do it elsewhere. No need to go to Nonna. And I'm really not in the mood for random playing now. I need it to mean something, I need that spark, the connection between the players. With random people it just isn't there. That way I won't meet anyone new to play seriously with either, but right now I'm fine with that. I just... can't. Not yet.

And that is the truth. Corvus and I have build a connection over the last 5 months. It just won't be the same without that, and I won't be sattisfied with anything less now that I know how GREAT that can truly be. And I'm certainly not in the mood to find someone else and start building something new. Not the way this relationship went to hell.

I still want to go to munches and parties at the club, but once I'm there I find myself wandring aimless from room to room. I exchange pleasantries with people I know and people I don't know, but it all feels fairly meaninless. I joke about being "on the prowl" looking for new victimes, but in the end none of those who could be willing appeal to me. And so I'm left with nothing to do but be social, and honestly I have better uses for my time (there's always Playstation.. :P ). An so I feel myself withdrawing. It hasn't been long yet, just under a week, but I can see where this is going. Just like he decided to break off from the BDSM scene, so am I about to do the same. Not to the same extreme, ofcourse. I'll still come to the occational party or much.. But it just doesn't engage me, doesn't excite me or interest me in the way it used to.

Ofcourse, this will all pass. My rational mind knows this. This is a phase, it will gradually come to an end. Comparing this to when other relationships I my life have gone bad (friendships or love), I'm actually handling this fairly well. And so I know this will pass.

However, feelings don't listen to reason. So for now, I feel abandoned. Lonely. Hurt. Sad. Upset. Angry. Lost. And abandoned again, perhaps most of all. He didn't just abandon me, THAT I could probably handle. He abandoned US. What we had, both outside and during our sessions. He left something great, threw it asside as though it had no value. And I'm left here alone, unable to talk it over with him, wondering what on earth I did WRONG!?!

A kinky New Years party

2011-01-02T13:25:00.003+01:00

These last couple of days have been interesting. T and I invited a bunsh of kinky people for New Years Eve. We were having a party at our place. By chance or providence, only four beutiful, kinky, sexy, interesting girls said yes. So the last day of 2010, T was the only guy in a room full of girls. Let's just say he didn't mind. :P Our guests included B and Flower, whom I've mentioned in this blog before. (Check out the "Pseudonymes" link on the right side here, if you need reminding.)

Winter hollidays have been somewhat stressfull, with a lot of traveling. Besides, both T and I have come down with a cold that's left us tired and out of breath. We've gotten steadily better these last few days, and so a few hours before our guests arrived we had sex for the last time in 2010. It left me a bit sore, because my mind got horney a lot quicker than my body.. As usual. Doesn't matter though, the soreness is worth it every time it happens.

T and I talked a bit in advance about our guests and what might and might not happen. We were hoping T might have some fun with Flower. Our expectations were met, and then some. At one point, I was busy talking, cuddling (and tying up) one girl.. B was being grabbed and fondled by another girl.. And T was teasing and hurting Flower. All going on in our living room. (Good thing we have curtains!) Later on, I got to play with the girl B was somewhat involved with, while T was fondling B. So yeah, we were a big friendly bunsh of sexually open-minded people. There were no orgies, but everyone (except me) were topless at some point during the evening. :)

Everyone ended up spending the night with us, and we had a nice, late breakfast together before most of the girls left. Flower stayed with us, and that's when most of the real action started. I was really tired and not really in the mood for much action, but didn't mind T having some fun. He left the door to the room ajar, and I was welcome to enter at any time.

I did come in eventually, but didn't participate much. I wached, listled and got somewhat turned on by what was going on. So I mastrurbated while listening to Flower moaning. That was fun. Eventually, I also joined them in bed, but just to cuddle a bit. I wouldn't call that a threesome, but I think Flower did. After I left the room, T fucked her. Me joining them was important because it shows Flower that I am genuinly ok with this, it's not just something I'm saying to please T (or her).

Flower is nice, and her body is nice and I can definitly see why T is turned on by her. However, I'm not really that keen on fucking her. I'm not sure why, but it might partially be related to her age. (She's around 40, I think.) Another reason could be because I feel T deserves to have her a bit to himself. He doesn't get as many oportunities to play with others and I do, as he isn't in a steady BDSM relationship with anyone. And besides, it's always trickyer for dominant men than it is for dominant women to find a play partner. He deserves to have some fun, he deserves to get physically involved with someone without me looking over his shoulder all the time. We still tell eachother everything that's going on, and I trust him. That's enough for me.

So yeah, we've had a good New Year's celebration. :)

What comes around goes around

2010-12-22T01:03:00.003+01:00

A lot has happened in December. Corvus and I have played a lot. We keep exploring the world of crossdressing. He's re-discovering sides of himself that he probably knew at one point, but repressed years ago. I'm glad I can help him become more comfortable in his own skin, and get to know himself better.

A couple of weeks ago, I stayed at his house for a night. It's been a long time in comming. He's got cats, which I'm allergic to. That evening wasn't so bad, as long as I stayed in the relative cat free bedroom. However, the next day was not good at all. I'm not going to spend the night there often, that's for sure. I guess that's just as well, since I this time managed to break his bed. Just imagine what I could do if I came by more often. :P

We've spent several entire afternoons together, mostly in the back of the car. I'm feeling much more comfortable when I'm with him now. We know eachother so well, and know we can rely on eachother whenever we need support. There's been a lot of stress in December, and it's been very nice to have another person to go to for support. Being held, having him give me a massage, letting playing with him distract me from everyday worries... It's a great form of stress relief.

T is my first priority. Although I've grown to care about Corvus a great deal more than I thought I would, he can't ever take T's place. In my life, they hold two very different, very distinct positions. Each has it's "use", each is important to me, but they can't replace eachother. It just wouldn't work.

It's as if I was some kind of machine, with T as my regular power supply. Corvus is like a spare battery, giving me that extra boost when I need it. Getting some of what I need from Corvus also enables me to better support T in turn. What goes around comes around, you might say. So although December has been hectic for both T and I, I feel we've come out of it in better shape than we could have. Because we've not drained eachother completely dry, and instead relied on others to take part of the strain. I'm not sure this is an ideal solution in any way, but it's worked well enough.

It's a matter of balance, though. The moment T and I stop relying on eachother entirely, the relationship would start to die. We are eachother's closest support system, eachother's better half, and that's the way I want us to continue. We just have to be aware that it is a balace. I'm so looking forward to over a week of hollidays with T, traveling together and visiting family. We need this time together, after these last few months filled with stress and strain. It will be nice.

T and I: A ratio of 2:2

2010-12-06T11:09:00.004+01:00

T and I went to a cruising party on Saturday. Corvus couldn't come, but I managed to amuse myself even so. Along with two other girls, I "attacked" a nice guy whom I've talked with a bit previously. I read his profile on Fetlife and got intrigued, and that's why I wanted to try him out. However, I quickly noticed that I couldn't get the connection I wanted. We were simply too many people involved. So I backed off in favor of one of the other girls. Later, after they had finished, I tried playing with him again. It was fairly ok. We were both tired, so I didn't get him down as far as I would have liked. Still, it was a nice way of getting to know him.

Inbetween the two attempts with this other guy, I got a bit involved with a couple I've known for a while. They both switch, but tonight she was the sub. They've wanted me involved in their playing for a few weeks, so they were very pleased when I asked to join them. He'd already made her nice and hot, and she makes the most beautiful sounds when she gets spanked. I spanked her a bit, fingered her a bit, fondled her a bit, grabbed her hair and said nice things to her. I gave her an orgasm and I made her cry a bit. That was my goal, and so I'm fairly pleased with that. However, she didn't break down properly, she only cried for a few minuters. Will have to work on that in the future.

Playing with a guy who wasn't Corvus felt really weird. Except from grabbing ahold of Winnie from time to time, Corvus is the only one I've played with these last few months. This other guy recated differently, more vocally, and enjoyed different things. Given a choice, I much prefer Corvus, probably because he's known. Familiar. And I can much easier read his body language, play his emotions and his body like a musical instrument. And I trust him soooo much more. I'm looking forward to Tuesday when Corvus and I will play again, just us. It's going to be nice (at least for me...).

At the party, T had played a bit with a woman I'm naming Flower. She lives an hour outside of Oslo, so once before she slept at our place after a party. I suggested she'd come home with us again, and she accepted. I knew T would probably want to play more with her in the privacy of our own home. Although she's nice and sexy and such, I was simpy too tired to get involved. Once home, I told them both how I felt, wished them luck, and went to bed.

The next morning.. Well.. Afternoon.. I found out that they'd gone to bed sometime after 8am. Flower took her time getting out the door, and T took advantage of her procrastination. He grabbed onto her breasts, fondled them, pinched them and made her moan and scream. I sat in the other end of the couch, waching them. Listening to her turned me on, and I knew T was enjoying himself tremendously. They finished off with her giving him a blowjob. He came and she swallowed. I'm impressed by her stamina and tenacity. Apparently, she'd done it that previous night as well.

After she'd left, I told T that waching them turned me on. I asked him if he'd be willing to finger me to an orgasm, and we went into the bedroom. Two orgasms later, I was feeling much more relaxed. The last orgasm was weird. I sometimes start giggling after I've come, incontrollably. I'm used to that. But somehow, something T said made me laugh out loud. Uncontrollably. For quite some time. It was very weird and I kept loosing my breath. It wasn't uncomfortable in any way, but not something I wish to repeat either. It just felt really weird.

So that's what the title is about. As opposed to last weekend with Corvus, this time T got two orgasms and I got two. We are equals, so it's only fair. And I do love how he does it. He's gooood.

A ratio of 3:1

2010-12-04T00:32:00.006+01:00

Again, I haven't updated the blog in a while and lots of stuff has happened. Last weekend, we went to a private party at the BDSM club. Afterwards, I brough corvus home with me while T was staying at DW's house. Then followed (or, more precicely, continued) a long weekend of playing. We did so much, there's no way I can catch it all in this blog. What I remember the best are these things:

Sitting on top of him, partially lying down, holding him so he can't get loose. He's struggling, but has to give in to me.
The butterfly nipple clamps, again and again. He's getting sooo sore, and yet loving it.
Making him touch me, taste me. Sitting on his face, putting my boobs in his mouth, taking his hand and placing it between my legs. His insecure, gentle and yet so responsive and alert touch. Responding to my every move, my every word, my every sound. Teaching. I love teaching.
Putting plastic clamps on his balls and watching him squirm and moan. Eventually he broke. (Not my plan, but I saw it happening and rolled with it.) One day, I will make him scream in main. Preferably behind a gag.
Cuddling after a long night of playing, falling asleep on his arm.
Continuing playing long into the morning and afternoon the next day, at any time being able to grab him.
Comming, three times. Once from him fingering me (with some help from a vibrator on the clit) and twice with the stubby (while he was sucking and cuddling my nipples).
Him comming once. I like the 3:1 ratio.

The rest of that Sunday, I walked on clouds. I was in a comfortable, fuzzy daze. Very, very nice. The effect even remained partially into Monday, too.

On Tuesday and Wednesday we met again, and both days we were going to the BDSM club. Tuesday for a munch and Wednesday for a bondage munch. Both evenings, we ended up in the back of the car, and we stayed there for waaay longer than we should have. Got to bed after 1:15am both days. It took it's toll, but it was fun. Worth it, I think.

I've come to realise that I trust corvus more than I thought I'd ever trust a plaything. He's more than just a plaything, though. He's a friend, a confidante. If we'd actually had sex, I'd call him a lover. I enjoy spending time with him and over the last few months we've gotten to know eachother fairly well. I trust him enough that I'd be willing to switch with him, if T had let me. Corvus is a switch with a growing dominant side. I've just started discussing this with T, but we having concluded anything. For now there is no doubt that I remain the Dominant one, and that doesn't bother me. I love being on top.

The recurring themes these days have been nipple play and crossdressing. Both turn him on, both scare him a bit.. And so I enjoy doing both. The crossdressing isn't a turn on for me, but his REACTIONS to the crossdressing certainly are. And I keep finding things he doesn't wish to do... There's just so much material to work on!

It's all good. :)

Kinks

2010-11-21T16:44:00.006+01:00

After the previous blog entry, corvus finally gave me permision to be more explisit when I talk about his fetishes. So I will now spill the beans: He has a big fetish for corsets and high heels, both wearing and seeing others wear. Mostly, or so he says, because they are both restrictive. He also has a thing for cross dressing, which didn't come as much of a surprise to me seeing as he already loved corsets and heels. He's fairly comfortable with his kinks when he's on his own, alone. However, showing them off to others is a whole other matter. My goal is to be able to make him enjoy wearing women's clothes at a BDSM party. And I believe that goal to be 100% obtainable. From feeling apprehensive and a bit embarassed when other people see him wearing a corset, to now being able to thoroughly enjoy wearing women's underwear in my presence.. He's already come a long way. I'm proud of him.

Two weeks ago, we went to a cruising party. I had him wear women's panties and pantyhose underneath his regular clothing. Even though it wasn't visible, that's still a first for him. Another first was forcing him to wear women's shoes (pumps with high heels) at the club. Only when we were hidden away in a dark corner, shaded by a partially see-through curtain.. No one had a chance of actually spotting the shoes. Still, he was incredibly nervous and embarassed. He did it, though. I'm very pleased about that.

Every time he's been made to do something relating to his kinks for the first time, he's felt awfull. Embarassed, nervous, not wanting to do it at all. However, already the second time around he's been more comfortable with it. To the point where he's now getting a serious hard-on when I force him into women's panties. So it is my hope that next time I make him wear heels at the club, he'll be more comfortable with it. And eventually he'll enjoy it. Then it's time to stretch him further. And so it goes. Eventually, he'll not only handle being cross dressed at the club, he'll come to enjoy it.

After the cruising party, I brough him back home with me. As T was away, I had him sleep on a mattress on the floor by the end of the bed. I tied him securly, but loosely enough that he might turn around and such.

Sometimes during that weekend, can't exactly remember when, I sat on his face and had me lick me. Not for long, mainly to make him used to the idea. However, it was awsome, wonderful and just simply nice. I will certainly have him do that again sometime soon.

So that was one weekend. The next weekend, that is one week ago, T and I relaxed at home. No party, no nothing. We had sex, and it was very nice. It's been a while, because two weeks ago he was away (in Trondheim), and three weeks ago I was away (in Bergen). I love those lazy mornings with him, when we can simply spend time together and be good to one another.

The last couple of weeks, T has started playing with another woman. I'll name her DW. She's a cute submissive who lets him fondle, spank and fuck her. I'm happy he finally has someone to play with too. It isn't fair that I'm the only one to play with someone else. Besides, she's kinda hot.. I enjoy waching him with her. Guess I'm quite a voyeur. :P

On Friday, I went to the movies with B. While I was away, DW and T had some time alone at home. She stayed the night, and although I was fairly tired and spend most of the time asleep, I still got to see them play a bit. It was fun, I hope to see it again.

Saturday, I went to a fetish party with corvus. It was fun. A lot of nicely dressed people, fairly nice music (if too loud).. We had a fun time. We played a bit, because we needed a break from the loud music and it seemed he needed it. We discovered, however, that what he really needed was affection and for someone to hold him. So we left the party sometime after 2:20am and went to play in the car instead. There, I beat him 'till he started crying and then held him while he emptied himself. At 5 am, he drove me home. I'm hoping this will have helped him relieve some of the tention and anxiety he's been dragging around this past week. I truly want what's best for him.

Humiliation nation

2010-11-03T22:06:00.002+01:00

Played with Corvus yesterday. Decided last week that it was time to humiliate him again. It's been a while, and I think of pain, pleasure and humiliation as a holy trio of BDSM. There's been lots of pain and pleasure, because we both enjoy that so much, but humiliation also has it's uses.

So I gave a couple of hints during the last few days, and they were strangely effectful. By the time we actually met up yesterday, he was pretty fucked up. Very nervous about what I'd do to him, mostly because he'd let his imagination run amok. He knew, rationally, that he could trust me to not push him too far.. But his emotions weren't listening to reason.

Tuesday arrived, and after having eated and taken a shower each, we drove out. I'd already teased him a bit, using items he's got a fetish for, teasing his nipples and such. His nipples have turned crazily senstitive lately, something I'm taking full advantage of. On the way home, I'd gotten an all-clear on humiliation. It isn't, in itself, a big turn on for him. But he trusts me and doesn't mind me doing it occationally. As it turned out, he was more turned on by it all than I'd expected.

Arrived at our destination, a monstly empty parking lot, I started using his fetishes against him. Last time I did that, he got incredibly embarassed already from the get go. This time, however, he was mostly just turned on. So I upped the ante, pushed the fetishes a bit further and finally got the response I was looking for: He was looking down and away, refusing to meet my gaze. A slight reddening of the cheeks, a posture that formally screamed "don't look at me, I just want to disappear". Though even after pulling out all the stops, he still wasn't as far "down" mentally as he was the last time I played with this fetish.

I think it's a matter of habituation. And trust. I'd done something similar, if not that extreme, to him before. And it's been a few weeks since then, and we've gotten to know eachother better. Trust eachother more. It's a good thing, but it also makes pushing him that far down into humilation a lot harder. I have to become more creative, perhaps using his ability to unhinge himself... It seemed to work well this time.

After I was done humiliating him in that way, even having him walk around outside the car (in the dark, with practically no one around, so very safe), it was time for phase two. I'd decided beforehand that I'd try to get into his ass that day. He was ready for that step. And so he was, and so I did. He took to it right away. A bit of tongue work, nibbling and licking, to make him turned on and relaxed, and in I went. (I'd ofcourse brough gloves and lube.)

He enjoyed it. Ocourse he felt it was a bit odd, and ofcourse it was rather intense.. But he'd been up that way before, using a but plug, so he wasn't a complete virgin. I see that as a good thing. While I was doing this, he was partially tied up and still using fetish items. Once I started jerking him off, a finger up his ass, there was very little he could do about it.

Getting him to come still took a long time. A couple of breaks along the way when he got sore and tired, but I always started him up again. I kept on going, though it wouldn't have bothered me that much to be unsuccesfull. I've only done it to him once before, after all. After turning off the lights, to make the situation a bit easier on him, and pushing a second finger up his ass... I made him come.

I then dipped my finger into the sperm and made him lick it off, again and again 'till he'd eated most of it. Just to underline the point that he is mine. Mine to use, and abuse if I wish it. Mine to satisfy, humiliaty and hurt. Or in this case a lot of both... I worked his dick really hard for a long time, and he got very, very sore. As a matter of fact, he's still sore. So this time, his orgasm wasn't that much for his pleasure. It was for mine, for the power of having him do it. For the fun, for me. And it was always perfectly clear who was in control.

And I loved doing it.

Yet another thing

2010-10-29T13:16:00.002+02:00

Yet another thing I'd forgotten to document: Tuesday almost two weeks ago, I played with Winnie. A bit of bondage, some not-so-hard spanking and some breath control. I wasn't planing on the breath control, but noticed he started breathing heavily anytime I got close to his mouth. So I asked, he said it was ok, and I did it. And it really, really turned him on. So that was fun. :) Didn't push any boundaries or anything, just nice and easy.

After I'd untied him, he stayed small and quiet for at least a couple of minutes. That's an accomplishment I'm very pleased with, as he's usually very cocky. Your typica naughty sub, joking and teasing just about everyone, in the hope that someone will take him firmly in hand. While I understand the reasons behind his behavior, it sometimes gets a bit annoying. So when I finally was able to get him down, all quiet and subservient, it felt very nice.

We talked quite a bit afterwards. It's very rewarding the way he trusts me. He doesn't trust easily.

Chasing down the prey

2010-10-25T11:30:00.005+02:00

I forgot to mention something in my last entry. I played with Corvus on the 12th of October too. And I finally got him to come. That was fun, another point checked off on my to-do list.

On Friday, I played with Corvus again. Like most times we play these days, it's in the back of his car. It's got six attachement points in the floor as well as four (I think) high on the walls. It's got light. It's even got heat, which is an absolute must now that winter has arrived. On the floor is a carpet, and on top of that is a thin matrass. The latest additions are two blankets. Sure, it could have been bigger. But concidering the fact that we're playing in the back of a car, it's pretty damn awsome.

But I digress, what I wanted to talk about was what happened the next day. Saturday, there was a party at the BDSM club. T wanted me to go as a submissive for once. Partially because it's been a while since we've done anything like that, and partially to show the other people there that we're actually a couple. Because so far, we've not done much with eachother while we've been there.

I had just come down with a cold and was feeling rather tired from the past two weeks of work, so unfortunately I wasn't up for much playing. However, I don't always need the play either, so I didn't really mind. I can feel my whole attitude changing when I get the collar on, regardless of wether we're in a session or not. And apparently, other people notice this change in me too. I got a couple of comments. It felt nice to just be a sub, not having to decide or boss people around for once.

There was a woman there, whom I'm naming L. L is about my size, but with larger boobs. She's a bit older than me, and obviously more experienced. She's bisexual, and we've traded a few complements and such before. She and T hadn't really talked much, but when he saw how fascinated she was by me, he wanted to take advantage of it. Long story short, we ended up spending at least a couple of hours on the couch up in the attic. L, T and I. She went down on me, and she was really, really good at it. T fingered both me and her. I went down on T, and she even helped out a little. None of us came, because we were distracted from the talk and merriment that went on downstairs. But it was highly enjoyable even so. She seemed pleased with the experience, and I don't think it'll be that hard to make her do it again.

When we got home, T and I talked a little about L and what had happened. This isn't the first time we've shared a woman, but it doesn't happen often. We both love it. Chasing her down is a challenge, the teamwork is fun and the sex is ofcourse highly enjoyable. And I feel that as we share the experience it brings us closer together. I like that.

Emotional rollercoaster

2010-10-17T16:16:00.002+02:00

Out of the blue, I've suddenly landed a job. Just a two week engagement, but still it is work. This means I've completely forgotten to blog.

So instead of telling you all about what's been going on lately, I'll just link to Mondage's logg entry on Fetlife. If you haven't registered at Fetlife yet, it's certainly about time you did so. Here's the link. And just as a teaser: It's about a kidnapping. And it was awsome.

In other news, I've also had a fairly big fight with Mondage. I knew it was comming sooner or later, but it still hurt. I don't know what consequences it will have yet. Time will show.

What is worse is that the fight with Mondage affected Corvus in a way I really hadn't forseen. He must have somehow felt hit by what I said to Mondage, without actually knowing enough about our previous conversations and fights to get a proper context. Mondage has actually handled the fight WAY better than Corvus have. Which is strangely illogical, as I was never fighting with Corvus. He was just being a mediator, a middle man, supporting both of us and giving us the opportunity to talk things through.

So Corvus has pulled back from me and seems to be at a low point in his life, emotionally and selfconfidence-wise at least. And I can't support him through it, because he doesn't want me to. We've had some contact, but I feel that he's inches away from cutting me off all together. I have no clue what's happened, and I feel very sad and stressed out about it. The couple of months I've spent playing with Corvus has been great!!! I'm really afraid of loosing him to something like this, especially when in this case I'd be loosing him to something I did. I'm not sure what I did, but I did something. It hurts and confuses me, and at the same time I know he's hurting too. I just don't know how to help him make it better. I care for him and want him to be allright.

So yeah. Sad, confused. Aching to help, but don't know how. AND busy with work for the first time in months, so I have no time or energy to actually fix it.

A recomendation

2010-10-06T02:36:00.002+02:00

I just wanted to recomend this site: http://malesubmissionart.com/
Over the few years it's excisted, it's gather a LARGE amount of pictures that all in some way display the human male submitting. There are both gay and heterosexual pictures, both photos and painting/drawings. All the pictures come with an explanation for why they have been chosen, and I love reading the different takes on what male submission can be.

If you enjoy male submission, you'll love this site. :)

Old picture

2010-10-06T01:54:00.002+02:00

Was cleaning up my phone, and found this one. It's from the session I did with Mondage in the woods. Looks like he's enjoying himself. :)

Bondage pictures

2010-10-06T01:51:00.010+02:00

Decorative bondage:

Closeup. (Have tried turning it, but it doesn't seem to work.)

Low intensity

2010-10-06T01:35:00.003+02:00

The last week has been odd. Corvus hasn't been in a submissive mode at all, and I haven't been able to push him into it. We talked it over and concluded that it was probably just a play-overdose. We've done SO much in the last month-and-a-half, I think it's been a bit much for him.

So we decided to slow things down a bit, and it seems to have worked well. Not only in terms of how often we play, but more importantly the intensity and the activities I put him through. I've gone back a few steps in terms of what I'm exposing him to, not pushing any new limits for the last week. And that's worked out well. We did some light bondage and fetish-play on Friday and again a bit more bondage tonight. Tonight we were getting more into a sub-dom-mentality, and I liked that. I would have handled it if he hadn't been in sub-mode too, but I enjoy seeing him giving up control to me. And it seems as though he enjoys it too. We'll continue taking things slow for at least another week, I think. Then we'll see where we are.

While we haven't played much, he's quite excited about a little project I have. He's been a lot more engaged than I'd expected him to be, and generally has been a great help. I'll probably talk more about that next week sometime.

In other news: T surprised me with sex on Sunday morning. Very enjoyable. :)

Humiliation and chastity

2010-09-28T02:00:00.005+02:00

Blogging seems to be more and more like a chore these days. However, I do it anyway because I know I'll want this documentation later on. It's valuable to be able to look back and say "Look! This is how I thought back then, and this is what I did. This is how I felt". Besides, the blogs I've made my playthings write are very valuable to me, as it gives me insight into their minds. I learn things I probably wouldn't have found out otherwise, as I see things more from their perspective. So I continue writing.

Friday:
Met up with Corvus at the party. Noticed straight away that something was wrong. Made him talk to me about it. He wasn't in the mood for a party with a lot of happy people. He was introvert, stressed, tired and just felt really uncomfortable there. He showed me a text he'd written before going to the party, where he asked for a beating. A beating that would make him break down and cry. I suggested we leave soon, head back to my place and give him what he wanted. Although he was very sceptical, he eventually agreed. He has a thing for corsets, so I had him help me into mine and lace me in, to see if that might snap him out of his black mood. It didn't help one bit, he was unresponsive and passive. We eventually left the party, just over 90 minutes after we'd gotten there.

Back home, he layed down on the bed. I talked to him for a bit and noticed that he was shivering from a lot of emotions held in too tight. I realised subtility wouldn't be of any use, so I had him remove his pants and then spanked him. Hard. I mostly used a big wooden spoon. It didn't take many minutes until the dam broke. I'd expected him to fall asleep once he'd finished crying, but on the contrary he seemed to perk up. After a bit of talking, we ended up doing more playing. Mostly pain-related, as that was my intended "theme" for the evening. But with bits of pleasure interspersed, so as to keep him off balance.

Saturday:
He slept here from Friday to Saturday, tied to the bed. Never had anyone tied to the bed before, not for a whole night, and so I made sure he'd be able to get out on his own. The next morning, we did some more playing, but not much as he needed to leave.

Saturday evening, T was going to a party and Corvus would be comming over to my place again. He arrived quite late, around 10pm, I think. I then tied him up and used him as a footrest for a while. It was interesting enough, but not something I'll do every time. After tying him in a more comfortable position on the floor in front of the couch, we proceded to wach the movie Secretary, as he hadn't seen it before.

Afterwards, I spent quite some time humiliating him in various ways. It's strange how he gives every impression of loathing what I do to him and how small I make him feel... And yet afterwards he tells me it was good and that he enjoyed it. It just doesn't make sense to me. Also, when the sub gets down so far that he becomes nothing more than an object, I'm somewhat at loss on what to do next. I know which buttons to press to get him down there, to a state where he'll let me do practically anything to him and where he has very little will or initiative of his own.. But once he's down there, what am I to do with him?

Part of the enjoyment of what I do, wether it's pleasure or pain, is the subs will rebelling against me. Not an active rebellion ofcourse (I get a bit annoyed at subs that act out constantly), but a presence behind the eyes that lets me know there is still a concious, thinking, reasoning human in there. And that presence, that spirit, will only be pused so far so fast. Outbalancing that sense of self enough that I can get away with pushing on the boundaries, and yet not enough that it'll shut down and stop playing... That's an art. And it's something I love doing.

The truly humiliated sub, as least as I've encountered it in my playthings, has very little will to do anything. Certainly not rebel against me. He is just passive, waiting on my will. This state of mind is a very, very powerful tool that I'm sure I could use for something. I just haven't figured out for what purpose yet.

Anyhow, once I was done humiliating him, I tied him up and started using pleasure as a tool in stead. He hadn't been alowed to come since Tuesday. I have a goal of one day making him come with me present, and this is partially to work towards that goal. (Though ofcourse there are also other reasons for giving such instructions.) Anyhow, I got him as turned on as he's ever been, without comming. So horny he couldn't lie still, and even once bit his own arm as a way of staving off the hornyness. He eventually grew tired, so we stopped for the night. Again, he slept tied down.

Sunday:
The next morning, I did it again. I made him that turned on. It's fun, this power it gives me. I gave him two new orders. One on his request. Not sure I feel about him requesting such things from me, and me agreeing to them. Perhaps I should be stricter? But then, he DOES present some fairly good ideas. I won't ignore them, just because they're comming from him. At least as long as I feel that my domination of him is fairly stable and secure. He requested that he be made to have with him certain objects that he has a fetish for whenever he's at home. He'd be likely to do it anyway, but it comming from me made it stronger and enforced the insentive to actually do it.

The instruction I gave him was met with a mixture of dread and desire. I told him that at least once per day he would make himself as turned on as he'd been when he was with me that day. He would enjoy it, but he would not come. This is, ofcourse, a way to make his forced celebacy more difficult.

Corvus has a strong sense of duty and I knew he'd do his very best to do as I told him. That's why his blog entry for Sunday, which I just recieved per e-mail, surprised me a fair bit. Apparently, he came that day. He claims it was an accident. It made him feel guilty and sad and it wasn't actually pleasurable, because he knew he wasn't supposed to do it.

I'm uncertain about how to handle this situation. In everything I've asked him to do, Corvus has been dutiful and comitted, almost to a fault. I have two posible ways of thinking about this:

Either, he's telling me the full truth. In which case he's already beating himself up over this far worse than what I could ever do to him. If he's telling the truth, all he needs is some form of formal punishment. Mild enough that he can take it, but harsh enough that it feels like actual punishment and not just more playing. It would make him feel better, as he would feel he'd done some sort of attonement. Thus it would clean away some of his guilt, and time will have to do the rest. There is little I can do.

Or, he's not telling me the full truth. The truth could for example be that he made a concious (or semi-concious) decition to come. Even though he knew he wasn't supposed to. Because he was so turned on and he wanted to. It may or may not have been pleasurable, that isn't the point. Afterwards, he felt guilty. And so he confessed.

This has two possible implications. Either, he's just unable to ressist temptation. Or he is unwilling to follow my instructions, or at least some of my instructions. If the first is the case, then it could easily be solved with some sort of chastity device. But honestly, I don't expect him, a man of 36, to have urges that strong. If he'd been 18, it would have been another matter entirely. If the second is the case, namely that he doesn't want to follow my instructions... Then we have a problem. A big problem. Because that would mean that he had an issue with my command and didn't voice it, didn't talk to me about it. Lack of communication is VERY serious in my book. (Or that the whole submissive thing is a sham and he's only been pretending all along. Which frankly just isn't possible. I know him better than that.)

So if he wasn't perfectly honest with me, and I do find out somehow, we'll probably have to talk it over. I'd have to hear his reasons and such, not only for disregarding my instructions, but for being less than completely truthfull about it. I don't know what I'd do, if this was the case. Depends on his resons, I suppose.

Honestly, I trust Corvus. I trust that he's being truthful and not holding anything back. And so we're back at the first scenario I outlined. I better start thinking about possible punishments. Corporal punishment will certainly be part of it, but he's able to handle that so well. On it's own, it isn't punishing enough. So I need to think of something else too...

On a side note: I really want to get myself a cane. Oh, and I want more clothes pins. Preferably made for sadism, meaning that they are ajustable (typically with a screw) and that they "bite" in the very front. Though I can make due with regular clothes pins for now.

Collaring

2010-09-24T02:06:00.004+02:00

This week is rather intense.

Monday: Social meeting at a BDSM organisation for students and young people (people under 40-ish).

Tuesday: The usual social meeting at the local BDSM club, same as every tuesday. Every second Tuesday is open to everyone, and once per month the open café does an introductory speech to inform newcommers about rules and such. I brought with me two newbies I'd met at the munch outside of Oslo last week, as well as one guy from the meeting on Monday. They all seemed to have a good time.

Wednesday and Thursday I've spent playing Red Dead Redemption on our new Playstation 3, cooking, doing laundry and other housewively chores and hangig out with T.

Tomorrow, Friday, it's Members Night at the BDSM club. That's almost like a party, but the bar doesn't serve alcohol (you may bring your own) and you have to arrive between 8pm and 8:30pm. That is so that no one has to man the door all night. From what I've heard, there's a lot of playing and such going on. So I'm looking forward to that.

Satuday evening, the BDSM club hosts a Coctail Party. T, my fiancee, is probably going to attend that party. That means I have the house to myself. I'll spend the evening and night playing with Corvus. It'll be so nice to have several hours with him where we're not just crammed into his car.

That's for plans and such. But I didn't say much about what happened on Monday and Tuesday. Ofcourse, I had Corvus with me. And ofcourse we played a bit. The most important thing that happened was on Monday: I took Corvus out shopping. And he bought me something, on the agreement that I would use it occationally when playing with him. It's the first time a submissive has actually bought me anything expensive. It felt odd, but nice too. Anyhow, Corvus has got a fetish for certain things, and it's so fun to stimulate that fetish. His reactions are just wonderful to see. And taking him out shopping for it was fun. He hasn't alowed himself to enjoy the fetish so openly out in public before, I think.

Last week, I bought Corvus a present, as I knew it was his birthday this week. I bought him his own collar. I've used my "generic collar" on him once, but what I always ment to be a generic collar is too strongly associated with Mondage. So it isn't generic, it's Mondage's. Even though we never concidered it as such when we used to play. Anyhow, Corvus liked that I used a collar of my own choosing on him. And I enjoyed the consept, although it didn't feel quite right to me then because of that particular collar.

So anyhow, I bought a collar for Corvus. And on Tuesday, I had him kneel before me as I collared him with it for the first time. I've used collars on him before, but this one is special because it was selected by me to be his. Given by me. I told him that he should always bring it whenever he came to see me. He didn't have to wear it all the time, but it should be with him.

He wore it that entire night, at the BDSM club. And underneath his clothes, he also wore a full body harness that I'd made on him earlier. We left the club early, to have an hour or so of playtime at home. Once we were done, and he was very horny but also very tired, I gave him perhaps the strictest order I've given him so far: He would not cum until further notice. He accepted it, as I felt fairly certain he would.

And to make that part just a hint harder on him, I sent him a text message today. Tonight, he's gone to bed with some of the items he's got a fetish for. He's also wearing leather cuffs locked to his wrists and ancles. I told him I wanted him to enjoy it. But not cum.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and especially to Saturday. I think this weekend is going to be fun.

One strike, you're out? Apparently not..

2010-09-19T01:43:00.005+02:00

So much happened Thursday evening and night that I don't really know how to tell it all. I guess I'll just start at the beginning.

It started out with Corvus and I going to a munch in another town, just outside of Oslo. It was nice enough, though very small and new compared to what I've gotten used to in Trondheim and Oslo proper. It was nice to bring Corvus along and make it obvious to people that he's mine. Somehow, that makes me proud.

On the way home, we stopped in a parking lot near a gas station. Again. That's become somewhat of a tradition, or at least a necessary habit. We talked and played for a couple of hours. I teased and prodded and mocked and hurt Corvus until he was as turned on as I've ever gotten him. And then I asked if he'd be willing to do practically anything I told him. And he said yes. However, he didn't have the presence of mind (I'd taken that from him) to really understand what he'd just said. I took a gamble, and I honestly thought it would work out. I honestly thought he was ready for it. But when I untied one of his hands and whispered in his ear that I wanted him to jerk off, the situation just collapsed.

He couldn't do it. I realised almost immediately that he'd gone into lock-down, but hoped I was wrong. Hoped that he was just being coy, playing at refusing. So I pushed him a bit, assuming I'd get a stop word if he wasn't actually playing. No stop word came, but I broke it off rather quickly anyway. And that was the beginning of over two hours of crying and talking and hugging.

It was tough, let me tell you. I've never made a large mistake with a sub before. Sure, minor things that I wish had gone in other directions, but I've never managed to completely kill the mood like that. Once I'd finished comforting him, talking him back up into equilibrium, and he didn't need me anymore.. The I broke down myself. There was nothing domininant left in me right then. I cried and I felt extremely vulnerable, ashamed and sorry. It felt as though I'd betrayed his trust. It was awful.

From how well he handled it, it seemed as though the situation was worse for me than for him. Though I don't know that for sure. He handled it really well, and he handled me really well too. He comforted me, held me and listened to me as I tried to talk myself back into my own equilibrium. I'd been rather high on emotions and such myself, so it was quite a drop. Is this what a Dom-Drop is like? I'm not sure how that term is used. Anyhow, it wasn't nice. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, sad one moment and laughing the next. At one point I got really angry, at everything and nothing, but mostly at myself. Corvus alowed me to bite his arm, without questioning my intentions. Biting down and suddenly having to focus on someone else but me.. That helped, somehow. I appologized for everything, profundly and repeatedly, and he told me it was ok. That helped too.

We stepped outside of the car for a breath of fresh air. I was still shaky and unstable, but I could feel that I was slowly getting my old self back. Just like when you fall off a horse, I knew I couldn't just stop the night there and then. We needed to get back into play-mode again.

The most difficult then, for me, was getting over the fact that he'd seen me so vulnerable. Not many people have seen me cry (at least outside of LARPs and roleplays), and it had felt good to be held and comforted. Even by him. I voiced my worries, and he reassured me and told me it was ok. I'm human too, I should be alowed to make mistakes and be vulnerable. He accepted that.

Corvus was standing with his back to the car, and I was leaning up against him. It was one of those kissing moments, so I bit him. His neck. It felt like the logical thing to do. We played around a bit, nothing serious, just a bit of pinching, biting and tickling. He could tell I wasn't really back yet, but I tried anyway, and he let me. "Fake it 'till you make it" ought to be a motto of mine. It did work though. Slowly but surely, I got back on top.

That ends the first part of that evening and opens part two. In a way those are two separate sessions, done back-to-back. A playing marathon, you might call it.

Once we'd talked our way though my mistake and the trauma it caused, we were almost back to normal. I played with him for and hour or so, and at every milestone we passed, I thought "I ought to stop here, and be pleased with how fare we've come, concerning how fucked up things were. I can't risk another collapse".

However, I didn't stop. I kept on pushing: My hand outside his underwear, cupping his balls (and he continued having a hard on). Then inside the underwear. Letting him get used to that for a minute or two. Then, finally, longingly: His dick. Holding. Grasping. Stroking and caressing. And eventually, I was able to take his hand and place it there. Withdrawing my own, he was slowly stroking his dick on his own, me watching. It worked! He didn't go into lock-down, he didn't pull back from me or freak out. It was ok.

So I'd been right after all, he had been ready for it. However, I'd gone about it in the wrong manner. In making him take an active part, I gave him the opportunity to think, reflect and refuse. Even though what I said wasn't phrased as a request, he was still able to choose. And so he chose not to do it. Whilst the second time, he was never given that option. Slowly, taking baby steps, I pushed past his limits, one step never seeming that much different from the pervious one. Slowly, he got used to my touch. And eventually, I was able to do what I wanted.

I hadn't had a plan behind that hour of playing. Sure, I had a wish, but concerning how badly things had gone earlier that evening, I didn't have high hopes. One thing simply led to the other, and so everything worked out in the end. As we talked, one final hour or so, he didn't seem traumatized or shell-shocked. He was just like he always is after we've played. I take that as a good sign.

I learned a lot from this experience. Even though it was painful and scary, I think it was good for me. A necessary step in my dominant journey. As you learn, you evolve and grow, and that's how you get better at what you do.

Though I was terrifyed for a while, certain I'd ruined our relationship and his trust in me, it did turn out allright in the end. I'm hoping we'll grow stronger from this experience, as we've learned to know one another better. He's certainly seen sides of me that I never intended to show! Hopefully, there won't be any lasting emotional damage from the event for either of us, and we'll be able to move on. I'll know more when I see him again next week.

Successful re-negotiation

2010-09-18T00:29:00.004+02:00

I e-mailed the "Just a dark mood?" entry to T, because I felt he ought to know about it beforehand and not just discover it online. That's why it wasn't published until today, although I wrote it a couple of days ago.

So today, we talked it over. I'm amazed at how well that went and how understanding and accommodating T is. I wanted more leeway with my toys, permission to do more things to them, to get more involved myself. And I wanted to talk over the already existing boundaries to get clear on what he thought wouldn't be ok and what I'd simply imagined that he wouldn't like.

I'd expected to have to fight, or at least argue for hours, to get even a bit more leeway. I'm not sure why I had such a horror scenario in my mind, I really have no reason to. T has always been very accommodating and understanding, has always allowed me to do what I really wanted. Sure, there have been limits, and there still are. But he lets me express this Dominant side of me freely, so I don't have to hide or feel ashamed. I love him already, but I love him even more for that.

End of the story is that a few hours of talking led to quite a new set of limits. This time, the agreement is twofold. One set of limits for what I may do with random people I decide to play with. And one set for Corvus, and theoretically for others whom I decide to enter a serious BDSM relationship with. I feel this is a very good arrangement. There are still a few sexual things that are reserved for T, and T alone. At least for now. I won't go into details. If you're curious, you can either ask me in person, or you can let me play with you and begin finding out... :P

This agreement enables me to fulfill some of my wildest dominant dreams and fantasies. But just because I may now do these things, it doesn't mean I'll actually do them. At least not anytime soon. I have been given the opportunity, the permission, which means that I'll be better equipped to make decisions on the go. I can practically stop worrying about what T might think of something, and instead focus on what I think. Do I think this is ok? Will the subject handle it? Will it be any fun? Those are the questions that ought to be in focus all the time, and finally they can be.

Thank you, T, for being the wonderful, understanding, accommodating, openminded man that you are. You are very easy to love.

Random

2010-09-16T04:03:00.002+02:00

I sent Corvus a text message the other night. It instructed him to take a picture of his hand holding on to a steering wheel, lever or handle, between 11 and 12 in the day. And then e-mail me the picture.

Yes, it was fairly random, but it was fun. And he performed the task admirably.

Tuesday evening, when we'd gotten in the car and he was going to take me home and then drive home himself... I made him drive all the way without his pants on.

Yes, it was fairly random, but it was fun. And he performed the task admirably.

I like random. :) At least so long as it's fun.

Just a black mood?

2010-09-16T03:15:00.007+02:00

I've been thinking a lot about boundaries lately.

From my toys I ask that they give themselves over into my hands, into my care. I tell them to trust me with their bodies and minds. I respect their boundaries, but if they don't coincide with my own, I try to think of ways to move that boundary further. Not because I don't respect the toy's opinions or feelings, but because I feel it's limiting the range and scope of our play. And because I feel that the toy would be better off without that particular boundary in place. I believe I know better than they do what is good for them. That's insanely arrogant, but in matters such as these I have so far turned out to be right.

The toys' sexuality is one part that I wish to control. I don't demand that control constantly, but when we are playing their bodies are mine. There are no limits to what parts of their bodies I controll. The dick is mine to dominate, just like the torso and face is. I ask that they give this control over to me, and eventually they do.

Ofcourse, I play with the toy because he enjoys it and wants me to. But I would never have bothered with it if I haden't enjoyed it too. And yet there is a strange hypocrisy to it. Because as I give pleasure, pain and enjoyment in every form to my subjects, I do not allow myself the same freedom. My enjoyment, let's be frank: My hornyness, is something I try to ignore. To stow away. To hide, almost. Sure, I bring out some great "Dominatrix" moments in my own mind later on. But fantasizing about it and actually enjoying it while it's going on... Those are two very different things.

An ear lobe in my mouth. The tention of the subject's shoulders, apprehension and exhitement mixed together. The gasp of pleasure as I suck, lick, flick it with my tongue. The relaxation as enjoyment takes over. And the gasp of pain, surprise, as I bite down. I have done precicely that what must now be over a hundred times. And I will say it now, because I couldn't say it then: THIS TURNS ME ON. Being so close to someone, whom I can manipulate like putty. Whose moods and emotions I can play like harp strings. So close, so close that I can almost (but only almost) read his mind. I wish I could scream it from the roof tops: This turns me on! This, and so many other things that I do to them. The toys. My toys. My boys. I love doing what I do because it gives me pleasure.

I find it rather bizzare... The submissives get all the "action" so to speak, in that they are alowed to come and I may even (in some limited ways) help them on the way there. But I, who am supposed to be the one with all the power and controll.. I don't get anything for me. My sexuality, my desires, are taboo when I play. I can't really talk to the toys about it, and T doesn't really want to know either. Oh, he'll listen.. But it feels like he'd prefer not to know.

Why do I limit myself so? Because I made an agreement with T, months ago, that my sexuality would be separate from theirs when I play with them. It was at least partially my idea to begin with, and I honestly thought that would work out. And for a while it did. But then it didn't anymore, because being dominant went in my mind from curriousity to strong interest. I'd almost call it a passion. And yet, because I don't want to risk loosing T, I try to contain myself. To not mix my sexuality up with theirs. Though I should have known that was a lost cause. What we do isn't sex, but it sure is sexual!

So now, my self-inposed boundaries are chafing. This might just be a black mood, who's origin I don't know. After all, it's past 3:30am. You're never your most sane at these hours. So this chafing might pass... Or it might not. If it doesn't, I'll talk to T about it. Or perhaps he'll talk to me. He'll be reading this blog in a few days anyway.

Talk

2010-09-13T21:11:00.006+02:00

As the poem might have made you guess, I had a quite an interesting weekend. Friday was roleplaying night, with T and a good friend. It was great and ofcourse we didn't go to sleep until early Saturday morning.

Saturday was the "main" event of the weekend, with my first ever so called Cruising Event. It's a party at the local BDSM club that is designed specifically to let people play a lot. The main room is divided into several smaller cubicles by the way of camuflage webs. So the "walls" are partially see-through and you may walk around and watch people in action when you aren't busy playing yourself.

Corvus picked me up at half past six, one and a half hour before the party was due to begin, because I'd wanted to talk with him. I'd made a list of topics I wanted to raise. The most important of wich was the issue of ownership. What did those keys he gave me mean to him? It turns out, he'd also thought somewhat symbolically. And again I was surprised at how well in sync we seem to be. At this point, nothing is set in stone. However, we agreed on a few points that I think are fairly important:
1. When we play, I'm boss. I own him. (Ofcourse, he can still use stop words, that's a given.)
2. When we aren't in play sessions, I can still give him the occational prick to remind him of that I excist and of what we have together...
Such as a text message ordering him to do something, simply because I want him to. Or an e-mail giving an instruction for the following day. It could be something pointless, like what colour socks to wear or that he has to jump up-and-down three times sometime between two and three pm. (Or it could, eventually, be something less pointless. But we haven't gotten that far yet...)
3. He is my submissive. My plaything. Just as outlines by the previous points. However, I can not, and will not:
a. in a signfificant way interfere with his job, family or friends.
b. "out" him to anyone he doesn't want to know.
c. in a significant way interfere with his economy or belongings.
So whilst I do "own" him, in the sense that I decide over him with regards to BDSM, I do not actually own him. He is his own person. I have no wish to take over his life, only influence it.

During this talk, I also discovered that he seems to be significantly more balanced as a person than I expected. Whilst he's had a brush or two with depression, he doesn't have particulary low self-esteem. He thinks of himself as relativly average, as far as looks and brains go (which is an fairly correct assessment, I think). He knows he's good at his job. He's been through one serious relationship, meaning that he's done all that comes with something like that. Including the love, the heart-ache and all that jazz.

Why did this apparent normality surprise me? Well, because so far I've been a weirdo-magnet. And the kinds of weirdos that typically catches my interest, as friends or something more, are the people who have the worst self-esteem ever. People who, in some way or another, are mentally fucked-up. Or perhaps who should have been. People who, if they were houses, would need much more than just a bit of paint and some new furniture before they were ready for the open market. Sure, Corvus is far from perfect, but he isn't as messed up as I expected him to be.

He is a fairly normal, fairly stable guy who doesn't need constant reassuring from me and anyone close to him. It a welcome respite. I can relax with him, and not worry so much, not wach as carefully every word I say. This also, ofcourse, enables me to focus more fully on other things... Such as pushing his limits (and stretching my own). Experiencing new and exhiting things together. And I like it.

Anyhow, on Saturday we played. I took him upstairs to the private dungeon, and finally managed to get him totaly naked. No corset, no underwear, no nothing. The contrast of a clothed woman and a naked man is not lost on either of us. He's definitly in a more vulnerable position. We also discovered that his belly and sides are incredibly tickelish. He wears a corset 23/7, so the skin underneath isn't exposed to the normal fricktion of clothing moving about and such. Thus it's a lot more sensitive. Sensitive = fun. At least for me. :P

The playing made him completely exhausted. Don't really know why, and neither does he. It was odd. Anyhow, I didn't let him drive home, but put him to bed in our guest room in stead. I'm very glad T was ok with that.

The next morning, I got up pretty early (at least concerning how late we'd gone to bed), because I wanted to play some more. Corvus was half asleep when I came in, but woke up quickly enough when I started typing him to the bed. He wasn't let go until over two hours had passed.

The afternoon that Sunday was spent alone with T. I was terribly tired, almost falling asleep on the couch several times. However, I managed to stay awake until the evening. And despite my tiredness, T and I ended up having sex somehow. This time we took the time for me to orgasm too. Usually, I'm just not patient enough to bother with it. I just want him in me, just want to be close to him. As close as it's possible to get. I love that. But this time, as I said, I came. And on my last contracting spasm, so did he. It was lovely. He is lovely. I love him.

Creation

2010-09-12T05:23:00.005+02:00

Plan. Executing.
Waching enjoyment
Head back, eyes closed
Breathing
Gasping pain, pleasure,
Something in between?
Above and beyond?

Always moving
In sync, but no balance
Tilting, but never letting
You fall

Limits,
"Don't-step-on-the-lines"-kinds of foolishness
Boundaries
To me they are fog
To be cleared away,
By spring rain or tears
Or a well placed slap
A word
A touch

Watching you sleep
How did you get here?
Oh yeah, I made you.

A REALLY old friend

2010-09-10T01:26:00.003+02:00

Haha, ok third entry tonight. I'm stopping now, I promise. :P

Just wanted to share this little tidbit with you. I had no idea it still excisted online!

I must have been 14 or so when I wrote this, as I remember writing it at home and I moved away when I'd finished junior high (ungdomsskolen). That means this is probably from the year 2000, though that's more than a little guesswork. At this point I had no sexual experience. I'd never even been kissed. All I had to go on was my own imagination and what I'd read in all those short stories. Those facts taken into concideration, this isn't that bad. However, I won't call it great writing either.

I'm sorry it's just in Norwegian, but I can't be bothered to translate it. For those of you who CAN read Norwegian, have fun: http://www.erotikknett.no/5213_41.php

I am true

2010-09-10T00:51:00.004+02:00

Woah, a lot of writing in one evening. I could have included this in my previous entry, but I figured it deserved it's own.

Like I've just mentioned, I started reading erotic litterature (mainly short stories) when I was about 12. Or perhaps 11, I'm not sure.

It started out with some magazines that my mom got second-hand from a male friend of hers, called "Vi Men" ("We Men"). It's your typical men's magazine, with articles concerning fishing, hunting, cars, science, explorations and other manly-men kind of activities. Each issue also had a double-page of jokes and cartoons followed by a double-page of writing: My gold mine, the erotic novel. I've flipped through them later and see now that they are predictable, boring, not particulary well-written and generally don't have much quality to them. However, for a 12-yearold they were VERY exhiting.

We got internet when I was 13, I think, and I soon graduated from crappy magazine stories to online stories. I told you all about this earlier.

One the late summer, when I was 13 and a half, I got ahold of a different magazine. A magazine directed towards women, and that only had stories in them. It was called "Novellegiganten" ("The Short Story Giant). I've only ever had the one issue (number 8, 1999), and I can't remember how I got it. It might have been borrowed from a friend or it might have been bought, perhaps when we were going to the cabin or something. In it, there are perhaps four erotic short stories, one amusing story, one or two crime stories and an excerpt from a book. I've read them all, but the only story that stayed with me, and that I kept comming back to, was the one called "Paris i september" ("Paris in september").

Back then, I didn't have any terms for what I liked. I didn't know it was even "supposed" to be "abnormal". I figured I was as normal as anybody else. However, I just found that magazine again, and re-read the story. And lo and behold! It's got an obvious BDSM theme! It's about a woman of power, a director or something, who's in Paris for a short stay. With her is a male personal assistant whom, when they aren't working, is dominating her. He's telling her what to wear, what to do and he's doing some heavy orgasm control.

It's obviously translated from some other language, as some of the phrases sound a bit odd in Norwegian. And I doubt the story could be concidered great litterature in the first place. Regardless, my love for that story when I was in my early teens in the proof that I really HAVE been into BDSM for years. Before I found this story, all I had to go on were some incidents from I was 15-16. I have incidents that prove my exhibitionist side from when I was 13, but until now I had no idea I could trace the BDSM back that far too.

Why is this important to me? I think it's based in my self-doubt. Everyone else seems so much more "into" BDSM than me. It seems more important to them, it drives them and shapes them more than I think it does me. When I see their gadgets, their bruises, hear their stories.. They seem more "hardcore", more dedicated. And I know, I know, it's not a competition. But still, it makes me doubt myself. Do I truly have the right to name myself amongst these people?

So why does this short story help? Because in my experience, the most "dedicated" BDSM people and fetishists can trace their interests back. Either to their childhood (age 4-7, typically, and most common for fetishists) or early teens (age 11-14). Incidents where their interest in this subject has made itself clear, long before they knew what any of it was called.

Whilst I, I found the home page of the BDSM club in Oslo when I was 17. I'd read through some other websites before then, so let's say I started looking at this when I was 16. And like I said, I have a few incidents from when I was 15. But by then, I'd already heard about BDSM. I knew, roughly, what it was and what you could do with it. So it wasn't something that appeared from inside of me, rather it was something I found outside and then started trying out. As oposed to the exhibitionism, which I know appeared from within me and made it's way out.

And so because I had no indication that my interest in BDSM came from inside of me, I was afraid I wasn't "true". Wasn't "for real". You're probably laughing at me, wanting to tell me that every experience in the last few years points to the oposite. But you can't rationalize this, because it isn't logical. However, I see this BDSM short story, and the memories it triggered, as proof. Proof that this WAS indeed something I had in me from early on. Proof that I am "true", that I am as good as those other "hardcore" people.

So laugh all you want at my irrational thoughts. Know at least that this helped. It put my thoughts a bit more to ease.

P.S. It's strange how words come flying of my fingers when I sit down to type. Originally, the title of this entry was "An old friend". I wished to tell you, in few words, that I'd found an old short story again. One I hadn't seen in years. And yet again, I start soul-searching, self-analyzing. This is why I love writing. Because you never know where your thoughts will take you, once you start getting them into order and putting them down in writing. I'm happy for this blog. It's made me realise things about myself that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. :)

An unrelated realisation

2010-09-10T00:16:00.003+02:00

First: This is unrelated to all the playing I've been doing lately. Just to have that clear.

I've come to a realisation. Ever since I was a young teenager, I've had a "thing" for men who sexually interract with other men. It started out as just a fascination for homosexuals in general, probably because I was currious about it. However, lesbians never interested me much. Not in the way homosexual men did. I'd go to the library and find novels and short stories about gays, and in such ways discovered some of the litterature I still concider among my favorites today. Like the Norwegian author Elin Brodin and some of the short stories in collections published yearly by Ungdomsbokklubben. And ofcourse "Egalias døttre", which I read when I was 14.

But let's get back on track: So, I had this curriosity. This fascination. From I was 12 and onwards I read large amounts of erotic short stories. As teenage boys would consume erotic pictures and films, I consumed the written word. cupido.no was my primary "hunting ground", because these were the times when their stories still were available online for free.

The currious thing is that for a period of at least three years (it's hard to put dates on these things, so it might have been more), I read almost no short stories with heterosexual couples as the protagonists. I wanted, and dilligently searched for, erotic fiction about gay men. And gay men only. The subject could be anything, but as I look back I see that my favorite stories weren't about "gays" in the typical sense of the word. But rather of apparently straight men who ended up having sex with other men and enjoying the experience.

I haven't intentionally searched out stories about men-who-has-sex-with-men for years now. However, just the other day I stumbled upon some gay bondage porn. It was fascinating, mainly for the ropework and shere amount of available video. But it didn't particulary turn me on in itself. However, I remember a short moment, in one of the videos, where a man passionatly kisses another man. And again, I felt this thingling inside me. Excitement and curriousity, rolled in with a hint of what I think might be shame. As if I was seeing something forbidden, spying on them. But come on! It was porn! So obviously, I must be responding to something else.

I've noticed this before too, whenever I meet openly gay couples on the street. I'm having a hard time not to stare. I love seeing them hold eachother, kiss and show affection. And ofcourse part of that is political: I'm glad we live in a society where they're able to do that without prosecution or harassement. However, I think part of it is also this... "Thing".

I've never before realised that I had this "thing", this fascination. It's always been subtle. I won't call it a fetish, because if it had been then it would have been a more passionate urge, a longing. It isn't. Just a fascination.

Part of it, I think, is the thought everyone had when they were kids: "What if I were the oposite gender for a short period of time? What would it feel like?"

I think part of it is the voyeur in me, the one who likes to wach. I'm quite the exibitionist, and I knew I had this other side as well. It's just not as prominent as my exhibitionist side. I enjoy waching, and listening in, to people having sex. I haven't experienced this many times, but the few times I have been in such situations it's mostly been... Interesting.

Part of the fascination comes from the tabou. Ofcourse gay men and women are accepted in today's society, and I'm not saying that they aren't. HOWEVER, it's a fact that seeing women kissing and fondling eachother is A LOT more common than seeing men doing the same. Ask most straight men: They'd be ok with a threesome involving another women, but not another man. More women are openminded enough to accept both genders as a potential third. Young women who experiment with their sexuality and have sexual relations with both genders before (often) settling on one gender as they grow older is relativly common. And accepted. Men doing the same, I'm sure is also quite common, but not accepted in the same way. So you can say that it's the novelty factor that fascinates me, perhaps.

However, I still think there are reasons here that I haven't uncovered. I don't know what they are. If Freud was here, he'd probably call it penis-envy, but I suspect that's his answer to practically anything. However, the fact remains: Men in affectionate, sexual situations involving other men is fascinating. And bizarely, kissing is more fascinating than a blow job. At least right now.

I find this strange, this fascination. I'd forgotten it even excited, and yet I suspect it's been there for years. I just haven't been aware of it. It hasn't been deemed as important or relevant. And I guess it isn't, really.. But right now, I have a lot of time on my hands. Time for introspection and self-analysis. And then bits like this bob to the surface.

It's strange, what we can find when we start digging through old drawers...

The giving of keys

2010-09-09T01:01:00.005+02:00

Yesterday, Corvus gave himself over to me. Not in a well-overweiged, intellectual kind of way, but in a raw and instinctive kind of way. What's important to me, now, is that Corvus trusts me enough to let me inside the barriers of his mind. Yesterday was a large step in that direction. What happened was, I made him cry. Or.. More precicely, he made himself cry. He LET himself cry. But I fascilitated that step, and supported him on his journey. His emotional rollercoaster.

We started working in this direction already last Friday. After tying him to a tree and pulling his pants down to his knees, I verbally abused him. This was an expreriment to see if it would make him feel smaller and more submissive, as I know this works well for some people. It was very hard for me to do, because I had to lie. Lie in order to demean Corvus, whom I like and don't really want to hurt. We talked about it afterwards and he told me it had worked... And that he'd resisted me mostly out of stubborness and spite... And that he wished for me to take that path again, a bit further, to pull him down and have him break. He suggested that a mixture of pain and humiliation was what would be needed.

I'd planned to try something like that in any case, but his explisit wish for it to happen made me prepone my plans. ("Prepone", by the way, is the opposite of "postpone". The English didn't have a term for this concept, so English-speaking Indians made it up. I'm quite fond of it and find it very useful.)

So yesterday, Tuesday, he arrived at my place after work. We first had a couple of hours of regular bondage. His leather cuffs were locked him place, so he couldn't get out by opening them, and try all he might he was unable to get out of the ropes. That pleased me. What didn't please me was the amount of wiggleroom he still seemed to have. Need to tie him down tighter next time. He really is remarkably suple and quite strong for a man of his age and build, so I think he'll handle it.

After dinner, I decided to start on the humiliating. I won't go into details, but I used what I know about him and his interests against him. It worked quite well and he was fairly embarassed. I then had him kneel on the couch, arms over the back of the couch, and tied him in place. A rope went underneath the couch, connecting his arms to his legs. A few moments later, his butt was bare and ready for a spanking. I started out light, using only my hand. Once he'd gotten nice and warm on both cheeks, I switched to the IKEA shoehorn. Quite frequently, I took breaks and sat on a chair in front of his face. I tried further verbal humiliation, but my heart wasn't into it. I have real trouble being mean to someone. So instead I switched to praising him whilst making it absolutely clear that he was enduring this because I wanted him to.

At first, he felt so embarassed I litterary had to force his head up and he still refused to look at me. As I continued, I noticed him going through several stages. From embarassed, to confused, to angry. I told him anger would do him no good, that he'd stop that immediatly, and to my amazement that actually worked. He then had another stage of confusion and introspection, before he finally broke.

Tears didn't well up after a particulary hard stroke. He felled the first one while I was holding his head in my hands and telling him what a good job he was doing. I praised him, told him how proud I was of him and how pleased I was that he would let me do this to him. And he broke. If he'd endured much longer, I probably would have given up. I'd still have been really pleased with the day, because we'd pushed a lot of bounderies. But reaching that goal was the icing on the cake, so to speak.

I sat holding his head for a little while, letting him cry. Then I untied him and laid him down on a matress on the floor, his head in my lap. And just sat with him, stroking his head and arms, talking calmly to him, letting him cry. It was wonderful. Truly beautiful and amazing. More so for me, perhaps, beacause I've been there. I knew exactly how he felt, that feeling of cleansing and release. The care, and I'll even use the word devotion, that I felt for him right then.. It's indescribable. Very different to anything I've ever felt dominating anyone. It's comparable, but still very different, from the adoration I feel for a dominant when I'm brought to such a place of tears myself. So in a way, this feels like going full circle.

Slowly he rose from the black pit of tears and agony. I'm guessing we spent 1-1,5 hours getting him there, and another 1,5 hours getting him back up. The aftercare is vital, and I was glad to do it. Not only is it rewarding to be able to hold and comfort him, but it was also quite fascinating. I saw each step as he rose up to the surface, and the parallells to my own experiences as a submissive were clear to see. In the end, he came out clensed. When he'd let go and given in to the tears, he also released a lot of other tensions and stresses and bottled up emotions. The tears were brought on by pain and humilation, but they washed him clean. Just like I knew, or at least hoped, that they would.

How is this different from what I've done twice to Mondage? Well, Mondage wasn't a submissive to me. Sure, he has submissive tendencies, but his responses were not even close to what I'm getting from Corvus. But if I'd met Mondage now, with my current level of experience, could I have built the same kind of relationship? I think the answer is "maybe". We adapt ourselves to the people we're with. So maybe mine and Mondage's relationship could have been more of the dom/sub-kind.. But only maybe. Besides, such speculation is futile. It's water under the bridge. And I don't think it's fair to any of them that I should compare them to eachother. I'll try and stop that from here on outwards.

Once equilibrium had been reached and he'd calmed down, we drove to the BDSM club in the city center. I did some more light bondage while we were there, but only to show him and the other people there that I could. Ever since we started playing that day, he'd worn his beautiful leather cuffs locked on to his wrists and ankles. I had the keys in my pocket, and he had a backup set on his key chain. As we were sitting outside my house and were about to part for the day, I took the keys out of my pocket and wanted to unlock him. He stopped me, and told me that he had several sets of keys for those locks. He asked me to keep the set I had.

What did it mean to him, to give me a set of keys for the padlocks that lock his cuffs? I don't know. We haven't talked about it yet. But to me, it was symbolic. Of what, that is yet up to us to define.

How to BDSMify an appartement?

2010-09-06T23:18:00.005+02:00

How to make our appartement more BDSM-friendly? Here's my todo list:

1. Get curtains! Preferably dark, heavy ones that can shut out light and unwelcome eyes and shut in any noise.
2. Find out where the beams/support structure of the rooms are. Install subtle, yet strong hooks and rings in walls and celings. Disguise by hanging lamps or plants from them.
3. Ensure that the appartement is always stocked with essentialls: Candles, ice cubes, vinyl gloves and such.. And ofcourse flat kitchen utensils and a nice shoe horn (IKEA's "Omsorg" (meaning "Care") is recomended).
4. Have a working stereo, computer speakers or similar. A bit of background music can work wonders in disguising the noises you don't want the neighbours to hear.

Step 1 and 2 are work in progress. Will get them done within the next few months.

Last week, I bought some new ropes from the store known as Biltema. 20 meters for 129 NOK is very cheap. The ropes aren't great, but they are ok. I split it into two 10 meter pieces, as that's more managable.

Since I couldn't find any of my spanking equipment, I went to IKEA today to buy a new shoe horn. At least that gives me something I can use. Besides, there's always books. I've spanked people with books before. :P

In town today, I also got ahold of bandage scissors. They are angled, and thus safer to use near the skin, should I have to cut some ropes. Besides, they're small enough to fit easily into my hand bag, which is always a plus.

Since I got home, I've made three trays of ice cubes. I hope they'll be nice and frozen by tomorrow.

Why all the fuss? Well, Corvus is comming tomorrow. This will be the first session where we're all alone in safe, warm enviornements. We have several hours to play. I'm feeling slightly apprehensive, as I don't know him that well yet, but I think it'll be cool. I just want to be well prepared, that's all.

Soaked

2010-09-05T20:53:00.006+02:00

One thing I forgot to mention:

When I came home from playing with Corvus on Tuesday, I was soaking wet. Not from rain or anything, but from being turned on. And not just the underwear, no I'd soaked THROUGH my pants. I won't say that's a first, because that would be a lie, but it's the first time I've been THAT turned on from being the dominant.

Not quite sure what to think of all this... Should I worry that I might be loosing my submissive side all together? I choose not to think like that, because submissive fantasies still turn me on too. As long as both are appealing to me, I won't worry about it. But I'll say for sure that I'm in a very Dominant phase right now. I guess the best thing I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride... :P

Unable to express myself (that's a first!)

2010-09-05T20:23:00.005+02:00

Stuff is happening so quickly these days, I'm starting to lag on the blogging. Not actual play sessions as such, as there's only been one since last time. No, it's more of what's going on in my head.

I was going to give a detailed report of the playing Corvus and I did on Friday, the way I usually do. But simple words like "..and then I tied him up" can't express how one bondage session can be very different from another one. Words simply aren't enough. Suffice to say that I pushed him further, in terms of pain and humiliation, than I believe he's been pushed before. His inner thighs are still spotted blue, from what he tells me.

To my suprise, my fingers started hurting last night. I couldn't figure out why, but this morning it finally hit me: I'm sore. Sore like I would be in any muscle that has been worked more than it's used to. This probably stems from the pinching, scratching and grabbing I did in quite large amounts. It's quite amusing really, that as I type this, I'm reminded (in every motion I make) of what we did on Friday. I guess it's only fair that the Dom have some slight aches and pains as well, when the sub has endured so much.

For perhaps the first time in my life I'm involved in serious playing with a submissive (I don't count Pet, as it was long ago and just a few times. I didn't know enough nor enjoy it enough, back then). One who desires to be made helpless both physically and mentally, who desires me to take responsibility and control away from him. And who'll go along with my crazy stunts as long as he isn't given the option to refuse. And I'm loving it! I didn't think I'd come to like it this much this quickly, but I do. I've been trying to write this paragraph several times now, and each time I can't find the words to express what I want. I just... Enjoy it. I really do.

Seeing him struggle against his bonds... Hearing the sounds he make, sounds of pain, pleasure and something inbetween... Seeing that look of apprehension and just a hint of fear in his eyes, as I do things to him that he hadn't been able to predict... Noticing how his body relaxes more and more, as he knows that I have taken choice and responsibility away from him... At least for that scene.

Sure, he's still got the responsibility to stop the game if he feels it's going to far too fast. That's the responsibility of any submissive! But where and how we play is something he's volunteerily given up, and placed in my hands.

As I write this, and re-read, I can see nothing extraordinary. Nothing I haven't written, or at least thought, before. And so again, I'm at loss for words. Because this DOES feel extraordinary. I just can't quite explain how or why. It's a rush, a high. Tuesday is our next "play date". I can hardly wait.

You can't be there for everyone

2010-09-01T01:20:00.006+02:00

Today, there was a munch at the local BDSM club. I met up with Corvus and did a few little things to him. Just to keep him on his toes, keep him guessing. I tried dripping warm wax on his arm (there are candles on every table, how great is that!), I did some more scratching, a bit of biting and a bit of tickling. Nothing major, nothing serious and not for long. But oh my, does it affect him! I'm loving every moment of it, and can't wait to get to know him better.

After he'd left, I somehow got involved with this other guy. I'm naming him Winnie. I ended up tying a harness on him, and attaching his hands and legs to the neerby furniture and wall. And then I just tested various things on him. A bit of pain, a bit of tickling, a bit of nibbling and biting etc. I've known him for years, but I haven't dominated him before. So I don't know him well in that regard. It was interesting. We aren't a perfect match, I don't get drawn to him the way I did to Mondage and Corvus. But playing with him is fun and enjoyable.

I feel rather sad for him. Like so many submissive men, he's single in every sense of the word. No love relationship, no BDSM relationship. He so badly wants to belong to someone, to be able to rely on someone and trust someone. But he's been badly burnt, both with regards to BDSM and love. And he's such a great guy! Lovable, kind, social, good-looking and cute. And he's alone. He often gets bored at club events, because nothing happens to him. He tries to be active, take initiative and get people to play, but it only rarely happens.

I feel sad for him, I wish I could help him. But I'm not what he needs. Sure we played today, and probably will play again sometime in the future. But I can't and won't go into anything longterm with him, and he knows that. Still.. It's sad.

Another toy on trial

2010-08-31T02:52:00.002+02:00

Tonight was interesting, more interesting than I'd thought beforehand. I'd suggested to Corvus that we meet up and talk about what had happened and such. He's all new to everything, so his head is rather full of thoughts and I wanted to help him by talking him through it. Besides, I need to know what goes on in his mind if I'm going to control and affect his thoughts and emotions in any significant way when we're playing.

We met up sometime after seven pm, at a rather deserted bar in the city center. And then we talked... Contiuously. Until midnight! I got to know him a lot better. We talked about everyday subjects like food and music, but mostly we talked BDSM. I tried to find out as much as I could about him, and succeeded relativly well. I know much more now about what his previous experiences have been like, what his major kinks are, what he doesn't want to try etc. He still gets somewhat flustered talking about all this, but for a guy who hasn't been a part of the scene for more than a few weeks he's doing fairly well.

Corvus says things that ressonate with me. The way he describes submission and his motivations for it largely correspond to why I sometimes choose to submit. Although fetishes are important to his sexuality, he's not only a fetishist. Throughout the evening it became increasingly apparent that he's also a submissive. I like that a lot, I find it exciting. But it also scares me a bit, because I have conciderably less experience dealing with someone like that. However, I enjoy the challenge.

The talking also established some key facts. He knew or had guessed them already, but they should also be spoken out loud. First and formost I stressed that my fiancée, T, always would be number one with me. I would always seek his approval and would never do anything with Corvus (or anyone else) that I don't think T would be ok with. We also talked (briefly) about disease, and like I suspected he's all clean. I also questioned him regarding phobias, illnesses, medical history and other such important issues that I want to know. Safety is very important to me, after all.

We'd previously agreed that he'd take me home, as he was driving in that direction anyway. Once we'd driven out of the center and had just turned off the highway again, I asked him to pull over somewhere and park the car. He didn't question my request and we parked outside a gass station. There we stayed for almost two hours! I did to him some of what I did to Mondage last fall. I used what I had on me and tied him up inside the car. A narrow belt from my jacket tied his hands together and attached them to whatever I wanted (first the steering weel then the head rest). My bonnet/hat made a decent blindfold. My jacket tied his overarms tight to his body. And then he was all mine to do with as I pleased.

For me, it wasn't anything new or revolutionary. Pinching, scratching, biting combined with licking and stroking, in an unpredictable pattern that kept him on his toes so to speak. And a bit of breath controll, quite easy and short, just to give him a taste. But for him, ofcourse, this is all new territory. I triggered emotions and reactions he didn't know he could produce. For a while there, he was pretty high on a BDSM rush. What perhaps suprised me the most was that his reactions made the event special for me as well. There was no routine, no repetion, no boredom. Because him, the subject, was new and that made all the activities new as well.

We talked for about half an hour or so afterwards, still parked outside a gass station. What really pleased me was that he not only had enjoyed the bondage, the situation, the exhitement and the kind of pleasant things I'd done. He'd also greatly enjoyed the pain. The mixture of pleasure and pain was what he concidered the sweetest of all. This made me realise that he truly is a submissive, he might even have a slight masochist streak, and that fits me and my ideas very, very well. He liked it! All of what I did to him! I'm very happy right now.

Even before the playing, we both agreed that Saturday had been fun and we wanted to play more. I'm amazed by just how quickly I've found a play partner here in Oslo, but I guess I shouldn't question it. Just be pleased that it's working out. I'm realising more and more that this Dominant and Sadistic part of me is not something I want to shut away. I truly love doing what I do, and I'm very happy to have found someone down here who likes what I'm doing.

I still miss the BDSM scene in Trondheim and the people I came to know and care for up there. But so far, Oslo hasn't been that bad. I might come to like it here too.

Spontantious sex, planned bondage

2010-08-29T15:56:00.008+02:00

Friday:
The plan was that T and I would meet up with B, Mondage and a new guy I'm naming Corvus at Sexhibition. That's a fair/sales convention/exhibition for the erotic industries in Scandinavia, that is held in Oslo each year. Mondage would be comming home with us afterwards, staying at our place for the weekend.

As T and I were about to get dressed and head for the bus, T decided he needed to "claim his territory". So we fucked. It was quick but it was good. Everything just worked really well, and as always his dick tastes wonderfully.

In town, I first met up with Mondage. I'd promised him some public bondage, and so I build a simple harness on him at a semi-crowded mall. We then walked to Sexhibition, his hands tied in front of him. He seemed somewhat humiliated by that and eager to get indoors somewhere. We met up with Corvus, who's got a thing for bondage as well. I'd met him a couple of times before, and decided the first time I met him that I wanted to play with him. I tend to get attrackted to those shy, insecure guys who's been dreaming about BDSM for ages and never gotten to experience any of it. Inside Sexhibition I did some more bondage on Mondage, always somewhere that Corvus could see what was going on. I was trying to show off some of my skills, tempting him and having him imagine what I could do to him.

Mondage felt much more secure at Sexhibition than he did out in the streets, and I had fun with all the attention we got. I did manage to get ropes on Corvus once, around his arms. He got rather stressed out, so I released him. Like Mondage, he doesn't like the idea of public bondage, motsly because he's so shy.

It's somewhat difficult to remember what Mondage was like when we first started playing. So uncommunicative, so imprescise in his responses, I was mostly fumbling along blinding trying things out. He's gotten a lot better now, he's able to tell me what he enjoys, he's more prescise when I ask him wether or not he likes something and he's discovered fetishes he didn't know he had. Corvus is a lot like what Mondage was in the begining. And he's even older than Mondage, so he's had longer to settle into his way or doing and saying things.

Saturday:
I played some more with Mondage. We did a short but intense session (approx. 1 hour) in the guest room of our appartement. I put him in hogtie and gaged him, like I usually do, and then I did a bit of tickling, pinching, scratching etc. He got pushed over the edge and came when I did some breathcontrol at the very end. It was fun. Prooves how well I know him now, that I can get so much play out of so little time.

What really pushed him to high levels of hornyness was when I rubbed the spit that had driped from the gag back into his face. His mind thinks it's discusting, but his cock loves it and that shows. I think it's the inability to escape the humiliation that makes it such a powerful stimulant, but I'm not sure. I suspect that he'd come to love facesitting/queening too, for the same reason. And perhaps, eventually, getting spit on or peed on. Though he'd probably tell you otherwise at this point, because his mind tells him it's discusting and he shouldn't like stuff like that.

While I was playing with Mondage, T got a visit from B and a girl I've decided to call HH. HH would be comming with us to a party at the BDSM club here in town and then sleeping at our place afterwards. Mondage was going to a concert first but would stop by the club sometime after midnight. B came with us out to dinner, and then T, HH and I went to the club. We met up with Corvus, who'd been there for a couple of hours already and was insanely bored. Few people, nothing much happening etc. My finacee, T, knew I wanted to play with Corvus and encouraged me to do so.

I had a perfect excuse to tie Corvus up, because I'd promised to help him take measurement for a custom armbinder. That required tighter tying than I'd normally be comfortable starting out with, but luckily Corvus is really supple and handled it well. Once the measuring was done, I didn't untie his arms right away. In stead I tied him to the wall in the play room. He's the kind of guy who enjoys the challenge of getting out of bondage, as opposed to Mondage who'll just lie there and enjoy the experience of being tied up. Corvus requires a firmer hand and a more restrictive pose, as well as locks and knots he can't reach. I've never played with someone activly trying to get loose, and really enjoyed the experience. The mental challenge of out-smarting him, as well as the satisfaction of seeing him struggle and fail, it was very pleasant... Not to mention quite ammusing. I didn't do much spanking, just a couple of passes with a paddle. I did however do some biting and quite a bit of pinching and scratching. But no intense pain work yet, I think he needs to take things one step of the time.

Eventually, Mondage arrived at the club as well. I proceded to tie him to a cross and gag him, whilst Corvus was tied up just a couple of feet away. I noticed, however, that it was dificult to pay enough attention to both of them. One would invariably be left alone while I was busy with the other one. And since Mondage was gaged and Corvus is so new at everything, that wasn't a situation I felt comfortable with. So I untied them both, and put both in hogties on the floor. Once Mondage is in a hogtie, he just wants to be left alone to enjoy it. The positions enabled me to focus fully on Corvus whilst keeping half an eye on Mondage at the same time. This worked out well, but wouldn't have worked at all if both guys had been more demanding.

Playing with both DID give me lots of attention. The party was open to anyone, so there were a lot of currious people walking around. I like attention, but I don't let my playing get ruled by a crowd. I do what's best for me and the subject(s), no matter what an audience might think. In the future I'd prefer to just play with one at the time, as it gives me more control and a closer bond with the subject.

Corvus seemed pleased with the experience. It's a bit dificult to tell, because I don't know him very well, but from what he said I think he enjoyed himself. He's really dived right into the BDSM scene, and just a month or so ago he probably wouldn't have thought it to be possible. I feel proud and very pleased to be his first, and truly hope that I get the oportunity to play with him again. Having walked this road once with Mondage, I feel a lot more secure now. I know what I'm doing and I know a lot of things I'd like to put Corvus through and the approximate order I want to do it. Ofcourse, Mondage and Corvus are two different individuals, but their fetishes are similar enough that at least some of the experience I've gotten with Mondage can be translated into working on Corvus too.

While I was busy most of the evening playing with Mondage and Corvus, T amused himself with HH. It wasn't planed, but when opportunities do arrise he's not the one to say no. He fondled her quite a bit and even ended up spanking her and caning her. This surprised me, but I think it's great to see him activly taking part in BDSM-activities as well.

Sunday:
Both Mondage and HH were sleeping at our place, but once we got home we were way to tired for any playing or fondling. We went to bed, and I figured that would be it for the weekend. I was wrong. Mondage left early this morning, but HH stayed for quite a while. We got up late, had some brunch and then just chatted for a while. I let her try on some of my fetish clothes, and at one point when all she was wearing was a short dress, T started fondling her again. I joined in, and when I started on her upper body he moved down. It ended up with him fingering her until she came, right there standing in our kitchen. I hadn't really been in a sex mood, so I mostly just supported her and helped her stand up. Still, it was fun to be a part of the whole experience.

She left shortly thereafter, and I've been typing ever since. Now, I will go mastrubate, as all this writing about sex has made me horny. Fascinatingly, it's the bondage and humiliation of Mondage that made me the most horny, and not the fingering of HH in our kitchen.

Before I forget

2010-08-20T14:31:00.002+02:00

I'm trying to use this blog to document every time I have sex and every BDSM play session I'm involved in. So before I forget:

Had sex with T approximatly two weeks ago. At his parents' house, where we were staying at the time.

Played with Mondage once more. Because I had the time for it. A lot of bondage in the back of his car, which worked well. And I took him into the woods and tied him to a tree... Which worked REALLY well. Unfortunatly, I can only stand mosquitoes and ants for so long.. So we didn't stay out long. Still, it was fun. :)

Next weekend, he's comming to visit me. And we're probably going to Sexhibition together. And that will probably involve some public bondage. :D

Moving out and moving in

2010-08-01T16:37:00.002+02:00

So we've moved out of our appartement in Trondheim, and with the help of some great friends we managed to get it sparkly clean in just a few hours. Then we drove to Oslo, and with the help of a couple of good friends managed to carry all our stuff into the appartement we're renting here. Lucky we had help because it was pouring rain and if we hdn't been quick a lot more cardboard boxes would have disintegrated.

Since Monday, we've been busy trying to get stuff packed out and such. There's been a few bumps on the road.. Like the washing mashine not fitting the water fosset here, so we had to get a thingy from a hardware store.. Twice. And we still have a leak, meaning I need to go back a third time. And realising late Monday night that our bed finally has given up on us, having to de-assemble it again and throw it out. We've bought a new one now, and also invested in new matrasses and such. Which obviously cost money we hadn't planned on spending on that.. Let's just say we'll do without curtains for a while.. :P And like my fiancée's computer breaking down... It's just a bit of extra stress that we really didn't need right now.

On Wednesday next week, we'll travel back up to Trondheim for a big LARP event in that area. And once we get back, it's time to start dealing with the real world... Jobs and such. So there's a lot going on and there's a lot on our minds.

And yet.. With all that.. T and I STILL had sex earlier this week. He's getting really good at initializing it, and I'm getting good at not rejecting the notion out of hand. I know that whilst I might not be in the mood right now, a bit of cuddling usually gets me in the mood pretty quickly. :) I take it as a really good sign that we're still having sex with all this stuff going on in our lives. :)

Farewells

2010-07-20T22:30:00.002+02:00

On Saturday, I had one last play session with Mondage before moving to the other side of the country. It was a nice session, with some fun experimentation concerning unpleasant tastes and drooling. I really like making boys squirm... It also proved how well we've come to know eachother, because I managed to cram a lot of playing into the very few hours we had available.

It's a satisfying end to these great months. I wish Mondage the very best in the future, and hope that he'll one day find a girl that can satisfy him both sexually and romantically. Good luck, my little toy. And thank you.

Inspiration

2010-07-15T00:46:00.002+02:00

I should probably have seen it coming.. Both of us walking around nude, groping eachother, while pretending to be busy packing cardboard boxes full of dvds and books.. I should have seen how that could possibly lead to sex, eventually. :P

Busy times

2010-07-05T01:24:00.003+02:00

Vacations, moving and other stuff going on. So very little time to actually do stuff in front of the computer. This is just to write stuff down before I forget it:

About one and a half week ago, we were in London. We stayed at a hotel. We had sex in the hotel room. It was cool to have done it there. Haven't had sex in a hotel before, I think.. :)

In the beginning of this week, the one day we had back home in between all the traveling, we had sex. I wasn't really in the mood, because I was tired and had a lot on my mind. But he was just stroking me and cuddling.. And when I discovered he had a hard on, I just had to touch it.. And so obviously, I couldn't resist. :P

I like that even though we're busy and stressed, we still have sex. It's a good sign.

Dominant/sadist fantasies

2010-06-12T00:39:00.004+02:00

A list of stuff I fantasize about doing to someone. Some might be better left in my mind, some I wouldn't mind being able to do in real life. I won't tell you which are which.

Face sitting, possibly combined with breath control. Primarily to show dominance and control.
Face sitting, as used to force someone to oral sex. Force someone to satisfy me. Preferably whilst he's been immobilized by ropes or something.
Sitting in a queening chair, preferably somewhere public, having someone pleasure me orally.
Tying a dildo or similar to a man's head, mouth (gag), hand, putting a strap-on around his waist etc, and fucking that. Not him.
Tying someone over a bench or similar, and taking them from behind with a strap-on.
Orgasm denial, restraint and control. Chastity. Having them beg and still tell them no.
Basically having a man as my sex toy. One I can use when I like, how I like.
Having a real spanking/whipping session, with proper equipment and locations. One that lasts quite a while, that pushes boundaries and that leaves bruises.
Forcing him to look me in the eyes, while I somehow hurt him 'till he cries.

On the couch

2010-06-06T11:58:00.002+02:00

T had been teasing my nipples and I was feeling a bit horny, so I figured I could masturbate with him watching. He kept on fondling my breasts (at my encouragement) and of course got horny himself. I lay on the couch and he stood above me, thrusting his dick into my mouth while I had a vibrator deep in my pussy. It was lovely! After a while, he focused on my breasts again and I got my bearings enough to be able to come. Then, with a towel underneath us, we fucked on the couch. I was on all fours, my head and arms resting on the back of the couch.I don't think we've ever done it like that one the sofa before. It was different, I liked it.

What I like the most is that it wasn't planned. It just happened spontaneously, because I happened to only wear a bath robe while watching TV. Our sex life seems to have gotten quite a boost lately.

In other news: ET came home with us last Sunday, and we fondled eachother a bit. It didn't get to sex though, she didn't want to. A day or two later, she announced that she'd gotten together with this other guy in our BDSM club. I knew they'd been flirting, but didn't know they were that serious. Of course that makes her off limits to T and I, but I'm still happy for her. Actual relationships has to go before random sexual encounters. We just met the happy couple on Friday, and they're so much in love they can't keep their hands off each other. I dream about the day, when that new-love feel has worn off a bit, when she (or both of them) end up in our bed once more. I'm allowed to dream, right? :P

An eventful few days

2010-05-19T02:08:00.013+02:00

A lot of stuff has happened these last few days. As it involves several people, I'll break it down by person in stead of giving a chronological account like I use to.

First and most importantly, T and I are now engaged. This Saturday, the 15th of May 2010, was our 5th anniversary as a couple. And late in the evening on the 15th, he asked me to marry him. Obviously I said yes, and now we are officially engaged.

We were at another BDSM weekend-party at a cabin outside of Trondheim. He wanted to propose on our anniversary, come hell or high water, even though we were in a cabin full of people. A said he wanted to talk with me, so we searched out the most private spot we could find, and that's when he did it. This also means that a cabin full of people knew before I got to tell my parents or anyone else. :P

We can't afford rings and such, but he did something really nice and thoughtful. He'd secretly fetched a special ring from my jewelry box, and used it to propose with. It was originally my great-granfather's wedding band, that my grandmother had made into a woman's ring by getting a pearl attached and shrinking it down. I was given it for my confirmation when I was 15, but have never worn it as it's too big for me. To be frank, I'd almost forgotten I had it. As that ring has a historical significance and means a lot to me, I think proposing with it was a beautiful gesture. I'm currently wearing it on a chain around my neck, as it's too large, but I've been meaning to get it shrunk for years. Now I have real incentive to get it done. I'll use it as a placeholder until we can get our own rings.

At the party, the evening before the proposal, T and I teamed up and seduced another woman. I realize this sounds very callous and preplanned, but it was truly more of an accident. We just know each other well enough that we're able to build on what the other starts. Through good teamwork and a great deal of luck and timing, we ended up giving this girl an orgasm. I'm naming her ET in this blog, I don't think I've used those letters yet. The next night, I think all three of us were more prepared for what might happen. We weren't prepared for how far we'd go though. The first night, T fingered her to an orgasm while I worked her upper body. The second night, I went down on her (oh how I've missed doing that to a woman!) and fingered her, giving her an orgasm. Then I went down on T, having him cum in my mouth. I even managed to swallow it all, something I haven't even attempted in years. It's still not a pleasant experience, but it's doable. Besides, swallowing means less mess. Whilst I was sucking his cock, he was fondling and fingering ET, and I think she was touching him too. To be honest, I was quite preoccupied with his dick and didn't pay much attention.

T and I have talked a lot about ET these last few days, and we'll try to keep in touch with her. Whether anything more sexual happens in the future, or if we've just gained another friend, I don't know. In either case, it's a win-win-win situation. Though I hope we have at least one more threesome. ET and T owes me an orgasm. :P

On Sunday, after we made it home from the cabin, T and I had sex. And it was truly great sex. Apparently, our exploits with ET has inspired him somehow. He spent much more time on foreplay now than he usually does, taking more care. He even went down on me, which felt simply divine! I came twice while riding him. Although I was so sore afterwards I couldn't walk straight, it was definitely worth it! The sex felt somewhat like the kind of sex we used to have when we just got together. I hope we have more sex like that in the future.

At the party I also played a bit with Mondage. He'd gotten some new stuff which we tried out, but I feel there's more experimenting to be done later. I obviously tied him up in several different ways. For example, I tied his hands to a robe in the ceiling and then made him stand on just one foot. I also had him try to maneuver in and out of cages with tied down, as well as removing his socks with bondage mittens on. It's fun to see him struggle. I am however getting tired of just leaving him alone, hogtied and gaged. I can't leave the room because he's my responsibility, but he prefers just being left alone. He'll suffer almost anything I do to him, but it's just to amuse myself. It doesn't do anything good for him, he'd prefer to be left alone. I wish there was some activity that he'd enjoy as well. Preferably an activity where I could be involved, not just sitting on the side watching him enjoying a hogtie.

While Mondage was tied up, on our second evening at the cabin, I played a bit with another guy. I won't even bother naming him, as I doubt we'll play again. He's new to the club, doesn't know much, and I didn't really feel like I could affect him. We didn't.. Connect. I didn't even try to place myself above him, I just did the physical stuff. I used to feel like I was getting more in tune with my Dominant side, but lately it's waned again. All I can do these days is tie people up, slap and poke them a bit, and hope I'm pleasing them somehow. I hope it's just mood related, as being Domiant and Sadistic used to be a lot of fun. I think the Sadistic tendencies are still the strongest, but it's no fun being a Sadist if the one your hurting doesn't want to be hurt. Perhaps I'll find a nice masochist to play with in Oslo. One could always hope.

I think I've covered most of it now. Quite an eventful few days, don't you think? :)

Interlude: Bondage, football and pancakes

2010-05-03T16:41:00.004+02:00

Yesterday, Mondage was here and we played. Or.. He walked away pleased, at least. I'm not sure I'd call what we did playing. He wanted to watch some football, because football is almost like a religion to him. So I tied him up and left him in front of the TV. At first, I did some light reading and spent some time online. Then I went to make us dinner: Pancakes. Frying pancakes takes a lot of time, so most of the match I was in the kitchen and he was tied up in the living room. I checked on him every couple of minutes, because you should never leave a tied up person alone. But mostly I let him be. He even came without me even being in the room.

Being tied up is what he loves, and if it was up to him I think all our play sessions would be like this. Whilst for me, I need something a bit more. This once was ok, because I was in an odd kind of mood and didn't have much inspiration anyway. But this wouldn't be enough for me every time, I'd get too bored.

Oh, and I almost forgot to add: The day before all this, T and I had sex. I really enjoy lazy morning sex, I don't think I can say that often enough. :)

Catalyst part 2: The implications

2010-05-03T16:35:00.004+02:00

The incident at a party really sparked something in me, and I've spent some time since then thinking and talking about BDSM. Truth is, I haven't felt that much, and that naturally, in submission "mode" for years. And it felt really, really good!!! T and I have played around a bit, true. But it's mostly just been physical, my mind hasn't been all that convinced. He can get me into "sub mode", but only momentarily. So submitting to him feels like a lot of work, it doesn't come naturally.

We talked about it the other day, and I think I've found several reasons why we're not really a good BDSM-play match. First of all, we're too equal. This is of course a great thing for our relationship, but it means we find it difficult to switch into a more asymmetrical balance of power. Because we both consider the other party to be our equal in every way. Ofcourse, I feel that play-partners are my equals too, but it's different. I'm able to switch from a neutral non-playing stance into a sub/dom stance more naturally. And that just doesn't come naturally with T. It feels like it's just an act, that it's not really real somehow... I don't feel controlled.

Secondly, we want different things from the BDSM. This is the same reason why me and Pet didn't work out as play partners, I think, though Pet and T are very different. I have a more traditional, perhaps more dogmatic, definition of what BDSM should be and what effect it should have on me. T claims he's interested in BDSM, but that he doesn't conform to the typical ideas of what BDSM should be. Hearing him talking about it, I have problems seeing him as a BDSM-interested person at all. What he talks about seems like something else entirely. However, I can't dictate how others should define themselves. If he benefits from being a part of the BDSM community I can't deny him that, just because he doesn't fit my ideas of what BDSM is.

This also means that he can't truly fulfill my BDSM-related needs (and I have no clue if I can fulfill his, as I haven't really understood what those are). We've been living with a compromise for five years, and it's worked out well enough. What little playing we've done has been nice and all.. But eventually, I'll need more than that. The little taste of what submission CAN be that I got a few days ago.. Like I said, it sparked something in me. I realized I'd really missed that, and understood that our compromises can't satisfy me in the long run.

For now, my needs for BDSM-related activities are covered by Mondage. It's not the same, because I'm the Dominant part our the play sessions. But it feeds the need for BDSM, and for now that is enough. There will come a time when switching won't be enough, a time when I need to submit. But not yet. We still have ample time to work something out. I'm really glad this came up now, and didn't hit me like a ton of bricks in a few years time. This way, T and I can come to an agreement about who/what/when/how I can and cannot submit to someone else. And we'll build a compromise that will keep our relationship safe and at the same time fulfill my needs. I'm pretty sure this will work out just fine. :)

Catalyst

2010-05-03T15:53:00.007+02:00

A few days ago, T and I were at a non-BDSM party. Most of the people there were LARPers and/or roleplayers, and my involvement in the BDSM community was not common knowledge. Even so, there were some people who knew. There's this one guy, whom I've decided to name Catalyst, who knows. We've been playfully flirting for a couple of years. Nothing serious, as we're both in relationships, it's just for the fun of the game. We both enjoy physical contact, and if we'd both been single we'd probably had sex occasionally. We wouldn't work out in a serious relationship, though. So the flirting is just a bit of innocent fun, and we know each other well enough to know that there can be no misunderstandings or hidden intent. He's not a part of the BDSM community, but he's definitely into BDSM. There's no doubt that he's a natural Dominant, and I knew from early on that I could easily submit to this guy.

At the party, I'd been giving a few massages, as this is something I really enjoy doing. I was rubbing the neck and shoulders of someone else, when he came behind me and started doing the same to me. It hurt, but once he'd adjusted a bit it was a good kind of hurt. He moved his hands up my neck and started massaging my scalp. I'm not a great fan of scalp massages, but by then I didn't really care... Because he was holding my hair. Not pulling, just grabbing it in by the roots and controlling me through my hair. I claim to not have any fetishes, but that's probably the closest I get. I LOVE when someone grabs my hair like that! Then he started touching my throat. Very, very few people are allowed to touch my throat, but he didn't ask for permission.. He just did it. And perhaps because I instinctively submitted to him, I didn't stop it our question him. With anyone else, I would have freaked out, but not with him. I told him that he was now included in the very small group of people who could do that. Perhaps because I told him and thereby implicitly giving him permission, he then got a bit rougher. He wasn't just touching anymore, he was holding quite forcefully, although he never stopped me from breathing.

When he let me go and turned me towards him, it took me a few minutes before I could stand steadily and look him in the eyes. I'd been way into a "sub mode", and if there hadn't been any others around I would probably have knelt. He was very good in talking me back to a more neutral state, and generally did all the things that a good Dom should do. He's really got an instinctive flair for Dominance, and is very good at reading people. He went way beyond the limits I thought I had, but although he skirted close to my real limits he never crossed them. Stretched them certainly, but never pushed me too far. For such an inexperienced Dom, I'm truly impressed. I'm not even certain he was really aware of what he'd done to me.

Must.... Document...

2010-04-29T01:13:00.003+02:00

So yeah, life has been crazy these last couple of weeks. Still, I feel an overpowering urge to document the little BDSM-related stuff that goes on. Last week, Mondage spent Friday evening with me, being played with. He slept over, but I didn't have the energy for any more playing the next day. There was an incident with a vibrating egg that got stuck, but we got it out and no harm was done.

There, now I've documented. Now I can sleep. :P

A blast from the past

2010-04-08T02:27:00.003+02:00

T and I had sex the other day. And it was niiice. I don't know what made it especially nice this time, but his cock in me just felt wonderful. More wonderful than before, somehow.. Can't explain it, hope to experience it again. :D

And the last couple of weeks, I've played once with Mondage and once with Pet.

Yes, indeed.. With Pet! He seemed quite desperate for some attention, so on an impulse I payed him a visit. :) It was quite late, and his roommate was sleeping in the next room, so we had to be somewhat quiet. Still, I did some bondage. Some spanking. Some discipline. He started out saying that he just wanted to be beaten, and didn't even want any code words. After actually beating him around a bit, he took that statement back. He's no masochist, that's for sure!

Although this was just for fun, and not a serious commitment.. I think it was well worth the time. I notice I've really developed as a dominant since the last time I played with him. I've grown and I feel more secure in my place now. He said I seemed more confident as well, which is good. :)

Playing with someone else really made me realize how lucky I am with Mondage. I just enjoy playing with him so much more than I do others.

Stretching

2010-03-20T22:52:00.003+01:00

Today's title is "Stretching", because today have been about stretching.. Both boundaries and other things. More precisely, I've spent the day playing with Mondage. He arrived around 1pm, now it's 10:45pm and he's just left. We didn't play all the time, we had a couple of hours of break from 5 to 7pm. But still, that leaves a lot of time for BDSM activities.

So what have I done to him today?

First I tied him to a chair, sitting upright like usual but unable to move. I tried doing bondage on his head, but it didn't work out very well. Exchanged my ropes for his ball gag trainer, which already has straps all across his head. Then I placed him in front of the computer and had him watch some bondage porn he told me he really likes. In the meanwhile I did some light reading and some house work. When he'd gotten horny enough, after about 35 minutes waching porn, I placed him in a hog tie on the floor. He'd been forbidden to cum, but I saw that he was struggling. So after tying him down, I gave him permission. He came after just a couple of minutes, and then lie in the hog tie relaxing for another 10-15 minutes. I didn't really touch him sexually at all, he came from the bondage alone. I liked that.

Then we spent another half an hour or so playing around with some bondage tape he's bought. I placed him in another hogtie, but by then his back was starting to hurt so I had to untie him. Then we had a break and ate some pizza for dinner.

After dinner, I tried placing him on various other poses on the chair. I especially liked having him kneeling on the chair, his arms supported by another chair. Having him on all four like that, just half a meter higher than regular, was really nice. It gave me full access to his body, without having to crawl around on the floor myself. So I tied him down like that.

I took advantage of the situation and hit him a bit on his butt and back. I used a soft flogger to warm him up a bit, and then took a leather belt to him. It hurt a lot, so he wasn't about to take much of it. But it was really fun, at least for me. I just love seeing men in pain, knowing I was the one to inflict that pain upon them. Knowing that they, willingly and with full knowledge of what was to come, agreed to let me do it. I guess what I need is a masochist who's actually as turned on by that as I am. Mondage, whilst a lovely guy who's fun to play with, is definitely no masochist.

Having had my fun, I moved him down onto the floor again and into another hogtie. I then let him be for about 10 minutes. Afterwards, I'd decided I wanted to make him cum again. He shouldn't just cum because he wanted to, I wanted to control it and take the decision to cum away from him. I enjoy being in control, being given ever-increasing power over Mondage' mind and body. It's a true power trip. So I had him cum, by slipping four gloved fingers up his ass and stimulating his prostate to such a degree that he had no choice but to come.

I've never had that many fingers into him before. I tried getting the knuckles in as well, but he couldn't take it and I wasn't patient enough to work him until he could. I'd decided he should cum, and that was my main priority. Still, fisting is on the list of stuff I'd like to try one day.

So today, I stretched Mondage' ass further than I've ever done before. And he's still somewhat shell shocked that he can actually find pleasure in anal stimulation. I enjoy stretching his limits, having him re-evaluate his opinions and having him discover new things about himself. I also enjoy the power he gives me, and the right to do increasingly strange and wondrous things to him.

Nice

2010-03-14T01:36:00.002+01:00

We had sex earlier this week. Tuesday, I think.. Or Monday? Can't remember. It started because I noticed T was semi-hard, and so I went down on him. Did I mention I love sucking his cock? I suppose I did, hu? :P Anyhow, one thing led to the other and we had sex. It was nice. I like sex.

Not in the mood?

2010-03-09T13:29:00.001+01:00

I could have had sex on Sunday, but I wasn't in the mood. That's really odd.

Vacations are nice

2010-02-21T15:47:00.002+01:00

The winter holidays have just begun, and the decrease in stress and stuff is noticeable. This morning, my boyfriend surprised me with some Sunday morning sex. I really like surprises like that. It's quite strange, how every single time I go down on him I get surprised with how much I love doing it. I mean, I know that I like giving blow jobs.. It's just how MUCH I love doing it, I seem to forget that between each time I do it. Odd.. This morning, I didn't need to use any lube either, even though it was somewhat of a quicky. Sucking that dick made me more than wet enough.

I've also played twice with Mondage since the last time I wrote. The only new thing I've done was to hogtie him on top of the kitchen table and shove a vibrator up is ass. I told him not to come, but he came anyway. Didn't punish him for it, because he was mentally punishing himself already. He felt terrible about it, so I did more comforting than punishing.

I've considered bringing him outside and burying him upright in a pile of snow. So that he's stuck in snow up to his armpits.. And then trow snowballs at him or something. But that never really fit with the rest of my plans, so I've given up on the idea.

He as(s)ked for it

2010-01-10T20:32:00.006+01:00

I've played twice with Mondage since the last time I wrote. We've been pushing some bounderies (all with T's permishion obviously). Monday, I shaved him, which he found odd but eventually came to accept. I think he looks much better this way. Cleaner and more neat in every way. Besides, I wasn't going to go anywhere near his ass when he was all hairy and such. So shaving was just something that needed to be done.

And yes. His ass. That's one of the things he said early on that he didn't want to play with.. And one of the things I decided early on that I'd make him come to terms with. He's got some.. issues.. with his sexuality. The standard "sex = dirty and bad" routine. However, we're working on overcomming that. Late in December, or perhaps early January, he told me that he might have changed his mind on the ass being a no-go zone. I'm happy he came to that realisation on his own. I didn't push him into it, it was a (relativly) natural developpement. That's a good thing.

Anyhow, this Monday, after shaving him and tying him up and doing that regular stuff, I started stimulating his anus opening. I used a gloved, well lubed finger. Not only did he accept it, he said he enjoyed it. That was a significantly better reception than I'd expected. Not long after, I had first one and then two fingers well planted deep in his ass. I did not expect to get that far with him so fast, but was very pleased that I did. While I said it felt very weird, he also said he enjoyed it. The sensations made him horny. That was really a great step towards a more liberal, accepting and exploring sexuality. He did well that day.

Later in the day, I whipped him with licorice strands. Or kinkorice, as we call it. The strands kept breaking on me. I need to get me a propper whip sometime soon. Anyhow, I whipped him all over the body, trying to push him into crying. Pushing him hard enough to have him break down a little, but not so hard as to get codeworded. It took alot of work, but we got there. He was gaged all the time, and having him sobbing and crying with the gag, knowing it was me who caused it.. Knowing he COULD have stopped it, but chose not to... Call me insane, but that was really sexy. It's interesting to observe that pushing him to crying was easier with tickling than with pain..

He didn't come during that play session, and I forbade him to ejaculate in the days following. I'd see him again five days later, Saturday. The last two nights before seeing me again, he was also told to somehow stimulate himself, but not cum. He chose to use bondage, not surprisingly, and although he was very tempted, he did as he was told. He didn't come.

Yesterday, we had a few other BDSM friends over. I started out with tying a friend of ours into a hogtie, and then tying up Mondage in a hogtie right next to her. He's fantasized about similar situations, and although it wasn't exactly what he wanted, it got close. Later on, after everyone else had left, I continued playing with Mondage. Did some neat bondage on his arms, making a corset-like tightening mechanism that enabled me great controll on how tight his arms were bound. I'll post pics soon. I also did a bit of spanking, on the "sweet spot" where the ass becomes the inner thigh. I wasn't rough with him, just wanted to see if I could have him enjoy it.. But he's still not thrilled about that. I also carefully snapped my fingers on his balls, hit really near them etc. He took it, it didn't hurt him, but he was really nervous. Guess CBT still lies some way in the future. Hehe.

We ended the night with Mondage in a hogtie, a ball gag in place and my thumb up his ass. There was almost no breath controll, just the stimulation of the bondage itself.. And my thumb up his ass. And he came! Feeling him cumming FROM THE INSIDE, now that was a real power trip! His muscles contracting, his pulse, I could feel it all. Very, very cool. Will definitly do that again!

New Year's Day

2010-01-02T04:31:00.003+01:00

New Year's Eve was nice. New Year's Day was better. Because there was sex in it. T and I wached some porn, I had my first orgasm with my beloved Stubby while sitting next to him. Then I went down on him for a bit and we retreated to the bedroom for some actual fucking. Which was really nice. After the event, I gave myself yet another orgasm, our mixed juices still running out of me. So yes, a nice day indeed.

Happy New Year, everyone. Welcome to 2010.

Philosophical musings on play modes

2009-12-21T03:18:00.005+01:00

Two playsessions with Mondage since I posted last. Here's a summary, as well as some musings of my own:

Last Tuesday: Impulse play session with Mondage. Did some public playing, which didn't give either of us much satisfaction. Then after dark we drove just into the woods close to town, where I tied him to trees. It was about -6 degrees C, so both of us had aloth of clothes on and such. But having Mondage standing upright, tied to two trees, it was still obvious that it turned him on. More than I thought it would, actually. We were quite close to the road, so people passed us quite regularly, which for me made the whole thing extra thrilling. After a while, I pulled down his pants, having him stand with his lower body nude while his upper body was fully dressed. I liked the contrasting image, and wish I'd brought a camera. (Note to self: Do this again sometime, preferable in daylight and a bit further away from civilization.) I eventually had him jerk off while standing upright, a new experience for him. As I suspected, he got quite weak in the knees afterwards, but luckily his legs and one arm was still tied securely in place.

This Friday: One-evening long BDSM Chistmas party. Played around with Mondage, tying him to the furniture, himself and other people. At one point, I hogtied him and shoved him under the table. I also gave him a light whipping with a flogger made of licorice strings (we've named it "kinkorice"). We ended the evening in a private room where I eventually won the Opposed Will Roll, and he came. (When is he going to truly learn that I'm the one in charge? It's not like he's ever actually won!)

I noticed that he does indeed respond better to bondage when he's focusing on me and what's being done to him. In other words: When he's concious on his role as a submissive and my role as the one in charge. He's still turned on by light bondage that he can wear while socializing, but the desired sub/Dom mood where I'm the main focus of his world seems to make him hornier. As oposed to previous play sessions, getting that mood took actual work, and retaining that focus for more than a few minutes was tricky. Probably because there were alot of people around, distracting us both. Once we left the people behind and started playing in a more private room, getting and retaining the desired focus was much easier.

I realise that a divide has grown up between random, light, non-comitting bondage and the more serious bondage/BDSM playing. For me and Mondage, I don't think there was such a divide in the past. I cearly remember when both those "genras" of playing were basically the same thing. That really isn't the case anymore. I don't concider this a bad thing at all, I'm just remarquing upon it because I find the developpement interesting. We're really comming to discover more of his submissive traits, and I feel that I fit more comfortably into the role of the Dominant than I did a few months ago. As I relax into the role, I'm also turned more on by it.

I think a balance between light, "social" bondage and more focused bondage/BDSM play is the ideal. I wouldn't forgo either, as both have their funtions. Now that I'm more aware of this divide, I think it'll be easier for us to switch between these two modes as well. I know some tricks that'll take him into a sub-mode almost instantaniously, and if I just work at keeping him there, we should be able to play seriously in a social setting as well. It just takes more awareness of where we are, mentally, and where we want to be.

Have you been naughty or nice?

2009-12-08T23:43:00.002+01:00

Naughty is more fun, without any doubt! FetLife, which I've mentioned here before, are giving away over 200 very cool, very kinky presents. All you need is a profile on FetLife, and then you may pick out the three items that you want the most. Just follow the red banner at the top of the page, or go directly by this link: http://fetlife.com/sit_on_santas_lap

The gifts I've said I wanted the most are:
1. A bondage bag with ropes.
2. A big, lockable toy box (mostly because it's very usefull, and I'll probably never buy something like this on my own)
3. A nice whip

If you participated as well, what did you wish for? Post a comment and let me know!

Sneak attack!

2009-12-03T21:28:00.003+01:00

T has hinted towards us having sex at least two or three times in the last couple of weeks. I just haven't been in the mood at all, because my bachelor thesis has taken up all of my energy. I've masturbated a bit, to get relaxed enough to sleep, but sex has simply felt like too much work. This is stupid, I know, because it's possible to have sex very quickly and with very little hassle. I just haven't been in that mode at all.

But yesterday, I finished and handed in my thesis.

I went to bed very early last night, and so woke up today feeling uncommonly awake and in high spirits. My boyfriend was sleepy, but I felt this could be a good oportunity for sex. I carefully played with his dick for a while, as he was only half-awake. When he woke up a bit more, I sucked and licked it for a while, before lubing myself up and putting him inside of me. Wasn't really in a mood to orgasm, myself, but rode him (backwards, with my legs between his, like I've tried to explain before) until he came. It was a nice way to start the day.

Calm and trusting

2009-12-03T21:16:00.003+01:00

Last Friday and Saturday, I played with Mondage again. Friday wasn't planned, we just happened to be going to the same event, and I took the chance offered to me. He's been talking about public bondage, public gaging etc. So while driving, I made him wear a ball gag (which I hid with a scarf). He kinda freaked out a little, but I think he'll start to enjoy it if he gets used to it. So I'll definitly do something similar to him at another time. This same evening, I also tied his wrists together and had him walk around in public with that. Fun, and also something I'll probably do to him again. Still... The gaging was better!

Saturday we played like we've done before. Only truly new thing I did was put him over my lap while spanking him. I also tied him to himself while lying there. It was fun and it gave me alot of controll over his body and alowed me to reach most of his body at once. I also tried a tiny bit of falaka (foot torture), but not much.

To me, what really defined this day, happened earlier. While sitting in the couch with him, I did some breath controll. I tend to hold him for 20-40 seconds, sometimes pushing him to 50 seconds if I feel he can take it. He was really relaxed, really trusting and it was simply a great time. I wanted to really see that trust displayed, so I told him to look into my eyes while I kept his nose and mouth closed. And he did. He didn't struggle, make noises, look scared or anything. So I kept holding him... For one whole minute! That was just incredible! Not really the length, because holding your breath for a minute isn't THAT hard... But the fact that he trusts me so much, enough to trust that I'll let him breathe when I want him to. He didn't even seem impatient for it, nor scared, just calm and trusting. The connection betwen us just feels wonderful. I didn't think I'd ever get to such a point with him, and I'm just really pleased.

Mumification pictures

2009-11-24T20:52:00.003+01:00

Pictures from last weekend's mumification.

15 hours

2009-11-22T15:40:00.004+01:00

Mondage met up at my place at 1pm yesterday. He left for home a little after 4am, 15 hours later. During those hours we played. Alot. Several different positions, and I suppose you can call it several different sessions.. In a way. There were food breaks, ofcourse, and we talked alot as well.. But it was still a very intensive day of playing, and I got really tired. Ofcourse, it was definitly worth it! :)

So what did we do? I'll have to do this chronologically, and see how much I remember..

1. Had him undress, then tied his legs so they were spread. Checked if he'd done his homework, which was to learn some anatomical terms, and be able to point them out on his body (simple stuff like "testes", "glans", "perineum" etc). This didn't turn him on, but I think it's important that he knows his own body well, so I didn't care.

2. Tied him in the fetal position and left him on a matrass for about 20 minutes. Covered him with a blanket so he wouldn't get cold. Used the ball gag trainer (like a "harness" for the head), the posture colar and alot of leather cuffs and chains.

3. Moved his arms around a bit, so he'd get better bood circulation, and started teasing him and playing with him while in a fetal-like position. Most of the time, he was sitting upright, meaning he had little or no balance and was depending on me for support. An excercise in trust. Re-tied him so he was lying flatter on his back when his butt started to fall asleep. Removed the gag. Kept up the teasing and petting and scratching and breath controll. We're baby-stepping towards a a regular sub/Dom-relationship, and I have the impression he's enjoying it. Told him he shouldn't come unless he'd asked (and recieved) my permishion, but revoked that ban after a while. So he came, though in the end he needed a hand free to be able to do it. Right after he came, I ordered him to taste his own cum. Which he did. I might pick up on that whole orgasm denial thing later on, because I find it alot of fun. It's yet another way of controlling him, "owning" him.

4. Dinner break.

5. Mumification. Roled him into a sheet, then tied him up with ropes from shoulders to ancles. Then roled him up in the thin matrass he was lying on. Left him there for about 20 minutes or so.

6. Released his hands and arms from the body-tie, and secured them over his head instead. Gaged him. Tortured him with tickling. The goal of this session was to get him down, mentally, to a place he probably hadn't been before. Into "sub-mode" in a way. And I did it! With a combination of heavy tickling and relaxation periods when I told him how good he was and how proud I was of him for being able to do it. I think the talking did more than the torture, but the torture was needed to get him mentally off balace for a short while so that the talking could do it's job.

After the first bout of tickling (which seriously wasn't much worse than tickling I've done on him before!) he started tearing up, by the second one he was sniffling and even after that he was able to take a third round. I know it was really hard on him, I could see him struggling, but he accepted it and he endured. As I'm sitting here, writing this, I'm again reminded of how proud I am of him for that! He absolutly hates being tickled, and yet he was able to accept it because I wanted him to. Not once, but three times! That's a gift I never thought anyone would give me, and as I'm writing this I can feel a lump in my throat because I'm so pleased with him. With us. We've come a long way since we first started playing, and I'm really looking forward to future sessions with him. I doubt I'll do anything like this to him in a long time, it's too taxing on both of us, but I think it was important to do it.

Afterwards, I untied him completely and we sat talking for a long time. He'd been down deep, emotionally, and it took some work to get him back up. I think I handled that part of it pretty well, too. I've been there, I've felt that same emotional emptyness, and I think having played the sub-role myself, I know better than many Doms what's needed.

7. We took a break, made panecakes and relaxed. It was past 1am before we finished.

8. Gaged him and tied him in a rather tight hogtie. Left him under a blanket, while I sat waching TV. He almost fell asleep in that position! I was feeling tired too, so I knew this part couldn't last long. Loosened his bonds a bit, to make his hands less cold and purple (a sign of poor blood flow, in case you were wondering), and started playing with him. The regular stuff, breath controll, scratching, nibbling etc. Concidered refusing him the right to come, but decided against it after a couple of minutes. We were both too tired for those kinds of games. So he was lying on his belly, in a hogtie, and while I was biting his ears and neck, and doing breath controll, he came again. Untied him, talked for a bit, let him clean up.

And then we talked some more, and some time after 4am he left. That was truly a long day! :D

Another BDSM weekend/party

2009-11-17T21:00:00.005+01:00

Another weekend-party is over, and I had a great time. T played with me, and I really loved it even though I was so tired I could barely stand. There was flogging, groping, petting and I spent some time sitting on the floor by his knee. I really like having him pay attention to me like that. He even enlisted help from M, a good friend of ours. She mainly had fun controlling the vibrating egg inside of me, and in the end she groped my boobs. She's really good at groping. *grins*

I also played with Mondage. In fact, we had two sessions spread over two evenings. On both occations I tied him to a table in the main area, partly because it was practical and partly so he'd get used to the idea of people waching him. He's got a fetish for (motorcycle-) helmets, so we used that in addition to gag and blindfold, which I think he appreciated. He doesn't have any good pictures of himself wearing a gag, so I took alot of photographs. I'm also quite pleased with the bondage I did on him. Note that the rope went between his toes at first, but it got too uncomfortable so I moved it to run around his foot. Not as cool, but I don't want to hurt the poor boy (at least not severely...). Without further addo, here are some pictures:

Self-taught bondage

2009-11-02T02:04:00.004+01:00

I'm getting increasingly fascinated by bondage. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed it to some extent, but I haven't taken the time to actually sit down and learn the techniques properly. I know a couple of neat things, and I tend to remember stuff I've seen done. But I don't own a single bondage book or DVD, and I don't want any either. They'd just lay around gathering dust.

But occationally, when I should be in bed but in stead am procratinating in front of the computer, I randomly teach myself some bondage. Last time, I ended up learning a neat technique that I later used on Mondage' arms (I've posted pictures of that previously). Tonight, I taught myself how to make a collar (or a bracelet etc) out of rope, based on this Youtube video. I saw the video once, saw the beginning once more, and then tried making the collar once. It was really easy, and it worked. I think it looks beautifull! Here are the pictures to prove it:

And then there was sex

2009-11-01T20:17:00.004+01:00

Had sex this morning. *grins* Just a quicky really. I masturbated and had an orgasm while T was in the bathroom. When he got back to bed, I sucked his cock for a while, and then we fucked. It was very uncomplicated and nice. And I enjoyed being able to solely focus on him and his pleasure, and not bother about my own. I'd like to do that again sometime.

Possessive

2009-11-01T02:47:00.003+01:00

Played with Mondage yesterday. From about 1:30am to around 3:am. My boyfriend, T, was present most of the time. Afterwards, we sat talking until 5:30am. The talking was good. The talking is what's the most memerable about yesterday. We are really getting close to eachother now, close enough that I can ask him about the most intimate and private things and get honest answers from him. I still feel he's holding some things back from me, perhaps not intentionally, but we've come a very long way in just over a month.

One thing I've discovered is that I don't like the idea of him playing with others. I analyzed this feeling yesterday, because it's very unlike me. I don't get jealous. Ever. I think the main reason I get possessive is that I don't actually have any emotional hold on him. With boyfriends I can lean back on the fact that they love me. Mondages does (thankfully) not love me, and we don't even have an "ownership" thing going on. It isn't a traditional sub/Dom relationship. I don't "own" him, he owns himself. He's the one to decide whom he plays with, not I. And that's the way it should be. That is what scares me, I think... That's what makes me (in my head, not in my actions) possessive: I have no hold on him, no claim to him. He's very... Ephemeral. In the sense that he might disappear at any time, and I won't have any right to try and stop him.

So why get possessive about someone so ephemeral? Well, I won't deny that I'm slightly hooked on playing with him. BDSM-wise we're quite well-matched (at least better than me and Pet was), and we've had some great sessions together. Outside of the BDSM-scene, we have practically nothing in common what so ever, but it doesn't matter because the only time we hang out is when we play. It's purely for pleasure, both our pleasure, that we have anything to do with eachother. I enjoy it, and I'll admit I wouldn't enjoy loosing it. I think that's why my thoughts get slightly possessive.

I won't let my thoughts interfere with my actions, though. Like T just said: You either deal with it or you stop playing with him. The later isn't an option for me at this point, so ofcourse I'll go for the former. I deal with it, and don't let it fuck anything up. He still owns himself, and decides for himself whom he plays with. I won't get upset or insulted or anything by him choosing to play with someone else. That would just be stupid.

My hobby

2009-10-25T16:54:00.007+01:00

I played with Mondage yesterday for several hours. I keep pushing his boundaries, this time I managed to get him completely nude (ofcourse with permishion from T). I also did something I've wanted to do for ages: Tie him up and throw him in the shower. I don't know why this particular thing has had such an attraction to me, it's probably because of the power trip again. I mean, forcefully soaking someone while they're dressed isn't a daily occurence.

The BC ("breath controll", not "before christ", doh!), the tickling, the scratching, the biting and nibbling and licking. I spanked him quite a bit, taught him why some things hurt more than others (with the appropriate demonstrations). I won't go into all the details here, like I have before. It's getting to be more of a routine now, I know what I do and where I want to go with this. I have some long term plans, some short term plans and a head full of ideas for future play sessions.

What I wanted to talk about here are the long term effects this playing has on me: I felt it particularly well yesterday. I started the day being in a very bad mood, hormones fucking my body over because I'll be getting my period in a few days, feeling angry and upset for no reason what so ever. Having to work on Mondage, focusing on him and his reactions, doing to him whatever I feel like (within certain limits ofcourse)... And obviously becomming turned on myself, by his reactions as well as the power I was wielding in itself... It made me happy. Later that day, a friend commented on my mood. He said I seemed happy and content. And I was.

I've thought about it this week: Playing with him regularly has helped me become a more balanced person. By all means, I wouldn't call it life changing or anything. Nothing on that scale! But I can feel that these sessions do me good. It's like any hobby you imerge yourself in, I suppose. Some people go skiing, I tie and torture an innocent young man. It's my thing and I like it.

Today

2009-10-22T01:41:00.004+02:00

Car, surprise, unplanned, in daylight.

Crowded parkinglot.

Hat to blindfold, scarf to bind.
Sweaty, dirty, smelly, lovely.

Pain.
Pleasure.

Ecstasy,
at my comand.

Hooked. (Sucker)

Another bondage pic

2009-10-20T21:09:00.004+02:00

Thought I'd add the best picture from Friday's play session with Mondage. Later, we got the shirt off him, which looked imensly better. But ofcourse then I forgot to take pictures. So this is what I've got. It's somewhat uneven and would have looked better with all-black ropes in stead of a mix... But you use what you have available. It's a start at least, and I'm happy with how it turned out. I'm learning.