This is a continuation of my previous post. If you haven't already, I suggest you read that one first.
Being afraid a lot, leaves scars. In the years that followed my relationship with X, I had quite a few issues. I don't know exactly which of them can be attributed to the way he behaved, and which come from other trauma (like many years of bullying school when I was young). But at least, my relationship with X didn't make me a MORE stable, normal, functioning person, that much is certain.
I grew afraid of men who raised their voice in a way that seemed authoritative or angry. And generally afraid of people who seemed angry. I got confronted with this fear later that summer in 2005, at a larp, where an older guy expressed anger at me (in character). It not only left me speechless, it left me trembling and in tears. And I wasn't playing.
Since then, I haven't encountered situations like this that often. Most guys don't go around shouting at people... But I believe that this fear has mellowed in the past 15 years. I still think it would freak me out, if a guy shouted at me in anger... But most likely I'd be able to handle it then and there, and only fall apart afterwards.
I also grew to hate it when people would leave in the middle of an argument. X would do that, sometimes, as a way to cool off. Which in hindsight was an excellent idea, considering that he really couldn't keep his temper in check, but I was hurt by it back then. I felt abandoned. Worthless. As though I wasn't even worth arguing with.
I still don't handle that feeling of being abandoned very well, but it might also be connected to past bullying. So might not only be about X. I don't know. Anyway, when I feel vulnerable I seek connection. I seek reassurance that I'm wanted. That I'm ok. When other people close to me pull back from me, for whatever reason, I feel hurt. Even though it doesn't even have to be about me.
But these are knows issues. I've known about them, and tried to work on them, for almost 15 years.
Second issue - analysis
I was raped. I though I wasn't traumatized by that, but I think I was wrong. It didn't impact my daily life much, but it impacted how I do BDSM.
I've always been somewhat of a control freak. Ever since I was a young kid, I've wanted to do things PROPERLY. When other kids would make up games, I would spent a lot of time making up the rules... And then feel really disappointed when no one wanted to play by those rules. I'd do things over and over until they were RIGHT. I've always done well in school, and developed ridiculously high standards for myself. I kept being disappointed by my class mates, when we were supposed to be cooperating, because they didn't perform to my standards. So I ended up doing the majority of the work myself. I was bullied, and so learned to hate surprises, because they were always hurtful and demeaning.
So obviously, a need for control has always been there to some extent. But I REMEMBER being a sub with X. I remember the bliss of subspace, floating on nothingness, warm and safe. I remember the zen-like feeling of only being in the present, reacting to whatever he would do to me. Not thinking, not worrying, not planning. I remember feeling like I was taking a break from my own head.
I've never felt like that again.
Oh, I've tried. I tried with T, but we weren't a good match, BDSM-wise. I tried with Swede, but he completely lacks initiative so I still have to think up what he should do to me. I tried with Cathalyst, and that's probably the closest I've come. It was a heady, intoxicating experience. But I don't trust him enough. And I'm trying with Arthur, and that's what made me realize that there's some underlying issue here.
Most of my fear seems connected to bondage. Which is weird, because that's also a big kink for me. I remember once at a shibari event, someone demonstrated an arm binder - style tie on me. No feelings, no play, just rope. And I remember really WANTING to relax into it, WANTING to enjoy it, and in stead I freaked out. I could feel myself getting close to hyperventilating, and had to get them to untie me. It was a really uncomfortable experience, and one I didn't dear to dwell on. I'd even forgotten about it (suppressed it?) until now.
Some of my fears are logical.. There's so many "what if's" going through my head. What if something happens to them, and I won't be able to get loose? What if there's a fire? But in a room with several other people, awake, alert, during the day, with the lights on... Not logical.
And there are some fears that really aren't logical at all, but are obviously connected to the trauma that X caused. Like: What if they suddenly become angry at me? What if they don't stop when I want them to? Arthur just touched upon that last one when we did breath play the other day, and that fear isn't particularly pleasant either.
Also, what difference does it make if him tied down or not, really? Almost everyone are stronger than me, especially if they're already on top. In a wrestling match, I'll loose. If they want to hurt me, they can. I couldn't stop that, even with every limb free, I'd just get more hurt.
As for the emotional side of things.. I can play at being a sub. I can DO the right things, say the right things... But I struggle with feeling it, believing it, for more than an instant here and there. I struggle with letting go, letting the other person call the shots. Like I wrote the other day, I worry that I won't be good enough. That my natural, spontaneous reactions won't be good enough. That they'll abandon me, give up on me, if I don't enjoy the very first thing they try... What if I don't do it RIGHT? What if I disappoint them? That feeling actually scares me a lot more, deep down, than any worry for my physical safety.
Conclusion:
I want to work on this. I need to work on this. Really, really slowly (over years, probably) and with someone I trust and have that sub/dom-chemistry with.
I can function perfectly well without dealing with any of this, but deep down I'm a switch. I miss being able to submit when I play. And with all this junk, I don't think I'll be able to. I can play at it, but I can't really feel it.
I also think dealing with my past issues can make me a better dom. I learned a lot from being a sub, and I use that knowledge when I'm dominating. I'm better at reading their reactions, because I've been in their shoes.. But that was 15 years ago. Perhaps I should get some new experiences under my belt, eventually...
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