Back when I was depressed, a long time ago, I had a lover. In this blog, I called him War. The reason that relationship worked for as long as it did, and the reason it was so good for me, was because it gave me a break from my mind. A break from the everyday anxiety, the feeling of guild, of not being good enough, the struggle to function even though my mind was sick with depression. And the reason that relationship worked as a break from my mind, was because it had no strings. No expectations, no obligations, no pressure. We talked about this along the way, and agreed that this was a good thing. The moment he started pressuring me, I broke it off.
In fact, he did more than pressure. I told him one day that I'd love to cuddle, but I didn't want to have sex. He still tried to make me have sex with him. Three times I told him "no" and reminded him of what I'd said to begin with. Then I got up and walked out the door.
Several years later, he apologized for his behavior. I'm glad he did. But at the same time, I never felt threatened by him. He would pressure me and try to guilt me, yes. In that whole movie trope way, where a "no" from a girl just means you keep trying to persuade her. It's really not a healthy way to approach someone's limits, and it could potentially lead to someone agreeing to sex when they didn't really want it. That's a really bad thing... But I didn't think about all these implications back then.
Back then, I was just angry that he wouldn't respect my limits. Angry that he'd taken something carefree and expectation-less, and made it all complicated. He broke us. And I walked out.
In hindsight, I'm really proud of walking out. Of not giving in to that pressure.
Why am I thinking about all that today? Two reasons: I'm spending the weekend in a hotel room with Arthur. That's sort of the same kind of break that I used to get with War (though I saw War several times per month, and Arthur just a couple of times per year). It's a break from obligations, a break from the outside world. I can just be in this bubble and enjoy myself.
The second reason I started thinking about it, is because I just had sex with Arthur while he was half asleep. I'm saying half, because although he had his eyes closed and only made the occasional grunt, he was very much a willing participant. His hands, his body, his dick, all confirmed that he was enjoying himself.
And still I worried. Because I knew he was mentally and physically tired. And because men can get an erection without wanting to have sex, and men can be pressured into having sex just as much as women can. Figuring out what Arthur really wants is damn tricky in the best of circumstances. Half-asleep and grunting is certainly not "the best of circumstances". I didn't want to accidentally rape him. The fact that I was so horny I had problems controlling myself is, just like back then with War, not a mitigating circumstance.
Arthur must have picked up on my worry somehow. Once I was done with him, he roused himself enough to tell me in plain speak that he wanted this. That he consented. He even told me I was free to give him blow-jobs and have sex with him any time, even in the middle of the night. That he would always be able to rouse himself enough to say "no", if he didn't want it. That I should trust him to be able to say "no", even when practically asleep. He told me not to worry.
I love that he could read me that well. Understand me that well. Even drowsy and with his eyes closed. Trust isn't easy for me, and not worrying is impossible. But this weekend is giving me sort of a break. And I needed that.
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