Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Like coming home

Something's happened with Saint lately, and it's awesome. 

Our last baby was born in the fall of 2019. For the first few months afterwards, I grew completely asexual. I think it was hormonal, all my attention was on the baby. I expected this to happen, and since I was recovering from a c-section (and later: pneumonia) anyway, it didn't really matter. 

When my sexuality startet to get "back online" so to speak in the spring of 2020, I discovered that Saint's was still completely disconnected. He would almost never reach out to me or touch me by his own initiative, not even in a friendly non-sexual way. I had to initiate everything, beg for any sort of physical contact. Even a fully clothed hug. That was difficult, and it hurt. He didn't much like it either, from an intellectual standpoint, but seemed unable to change it. He tried, but it never really worked. When I did get my hands on him, he resented any sort of sexual advance, to the point where I gave up trying. 

This disconnected state lasted a long time. It was difficult for both of us, but maybe especially for me. Because my primary love language is physical touch (with words of affirmation as a very close second). I need it, crave it, just like I need air or food. For it to be withheld felt like starvation. 

Then something happened with him, just last week. I don't know what exactly, and he's refused to analyse it. But it seemed as though he came out of a year long hibernation. Slowly, he's getting back online, one sexual system at a time. First came a slight preference for latex (which is usually a huge fetish for him). Right on it's heels came an interest in domination, control, light humiliation. Then nipple torture, light bondage, and orgasm control. And more is coming back every day. All the things he used to enjoy, slowly but surely. 

Last night, just before going to sleep, we cuddled and I played with his nipples a bit. He touched me, held me, wanted me. It was such a small thing, really. A few moments at the end of a long and exhausting day. But so important to me! I cuddled his body close to me, breathed in the scent of him, and was happy. It felt like we'd been away from each other for so, so long. It felt like coming home. 

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