Monday, April 26, 2021

Not a vending machine

I'm not a domination vending machine. And yet that's what I often feel like. 

I love, love, love playing with someone, tying them up, teasing them, hurting them, caressing them.. All that is great fun, it turns me on, it's very enjoyable. But that can't be all there is. I can't be the one giving all the time, it makes me feel like I'm disposable. As though the activity is all that matters, the person giving them is not. 

I've had countless play sessions that have felt like that. The first few sessions with a new person often do. So I'm more or less playing by rote. We don't know each other well enough yet to do it any other way.

But I also need to feel desired. I want the submissive to see ME, to want ME, to yearn to touch me, to want to please me. Not just because they get a kick out of eating pussy or giving foot rubs or whatever. Not for their pleasure. For ME. Just like I yearn for them, desire them, want to please them. In the long run, the dynamic feels too uneven otherwise. 

I think that sex and sexual BDSM play can only really work out, in the long run, if both parties involve really want to please the other person. If one party is too focused on their own enjoyment, it feels lopsided. And if one person TRIES to focus on the other, but doesn't really want to, that's something I think the other party would notice immediately. I don't want my pleasure to feel like a chore to you. I don't want you to have to MAKE yourself touch me. That's just hurtful. I want you to want me.

I think that's why D/s play with T never really worked out for me. Because I could tell that his heart wasn't in it. He was performing a role, because he thought that was what I wanted, not because he wanted it himself. So it felt fake to me.

I don't really know how to turn a dynamic around, though. How do I make someone want me (in practice, not just in theory), if they don't already do? How do I go from being seen as a domination-providing vending machine, to a person they want to please and touch and satisfy?

It SHOULD be easy. As the dominant party, I COULD just tell them what I want. Demand it. But it doesn't work like that. Because I can't make myself order someone to touch me or please me, if I don't think they want to. That feels like rejection to me. If it was a complete stranger, maybe, I could use them for my own satisfaction, like any sex toy in my drawer. But I want to feel loved, I want to feel wanted. It's not about orgasms, it's about the emotional bond.

And that's just the thing: I can't give an order, if I don't think I'd get an enthusiastic consent to that order. If they have to MAKE themselves perform, if they don't really want it, then I don't want them to do it. 

Sitting here, I really want to send Saint a message and tell him to go to the bathroom where he works and masturbate (but not come!). Just the thought of giving such an order makes me all tingly and happy inside. But from his mood this morning, I know he has a bad day. I assume he didn't sleep well last night. And I know he's struggling with anxiety and other mental issues right now. So I'm not confident that my order would be well received. I know he'd try to do as I tell him, but I don't know if he would enjoy himself. And the whole point is that he should enjoy himself. So since I'm not sure the order will be received enthusiastically, I can't give it.

(Humiliation is of course a completely different ball game. I have absolutely no issues with ordering someone to do something disgusting or humiliating, knowing that they really don't want to do it. The sub is forced to do it, and the thought that I have such power over another person turns me on. But I don't want pleasing me, touching me, desiring me, to be humiliating! I don't want my pleasure to be a tool for humiliation! Quite the opposite, I want my pleasure to be seen as infinitely desirable, touching me should be something they'd be eager to do. So yeah, there's a big difference in my mind between "regular" sexual interaction and humiliation.)

So how do I make someone want to worship me, yearn for me? How do I move the subs desires away from his own pleasures and over to mine? Maybe long term chastity is the only way?

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