I want what I don't want

Arthur finds it difficult to tell me what he enjoys. Because telling me is ALMOST asking for it. And once you ask, you can be rejected. However he's getting better, slowly. And I try to keep an open mind.

Last night, he told me two things he hopes to do with me. He wants to cum on my face, and he wants to cum in my mouth.

That first one is easy. I realized that I really like that part when I was playing with Giant. And adding the D/s dynamic that Arthur and I have, will only make it more hot. I want to kneel at his feet, raise my face towards him, close my eyes, and feel those warm spurts hit my face... Preferably in the shower, so clean up is easy.

And I want to lie on my back in the bed, and have him sitting on my chest. My arms trapped downwards, so I can't stop him or control the debth. I want him to (carefully and with great control) fuck my face. Then pull out right before cuming, and jerk off all over my face. To have so little control scares me, and turns me on. Just the thought made us both really turned on last night, and it's making me wet as I write now.

His second wish i harder for me. A lot harder. I really dislike drinking/swallowing unpleasant textures or tastes. Medication that has to be drunk is almost impossible for me. I really dislike cumshots in porn because of this, and I switch channels if someone on tv has to drink/eat something glose at a dare. It's practically a phobia.

However, I HAVE swallowed before. I did it quite a lot in my first two relationships, when I was 15-16 years old. It was a point of pride, something I wanted to be able to do. I never really enjoyed the act itself, but I didn't actively hate it either.

In itself, having someone cum in my mouth does not turn me on. If anything, the mere thought likely to turn me off. However (and here's where BDSM makes it weird), having Arthur cum in my mouth because HE WANTS TO.. That turns me on something firece. And the fact that it's something I don't really like, is actually making it MORE of a turn-on. In an ideal world, he wouldn't even ask, he would just do it. Use me, take me, because it gives him pleasure. And that's such a twisted, illogical thing. I don't want this, I don't like this.. And BECAUSE I don't, having him do it to be turns me on. 

The idea of pleasing him turns me on as well. I'd probably want to try this even without the D/s dynamic. But the D/s dynamic adds another layer of "double-think" which is fascinating to observe. I don't only want to please him, like I would any lover.. It's my underlying "not-wanting" that makes me want it more.

It's just like with bondage, sort of.. Just stronger. I love bondage, it turns me on. But it also scares me SO much. And the fact that it scares me, makes it such an effective tool for dominance. I want to take all that fear and show it to him, like an offering. As a proof of how much I trust him, how much I want him. I want to not only please him, I want make him proud of me. By overcoming an obstacle FOR him, I hope to make him proud.

Of course it's for me as well. I want this. It turns me on. I'm soaking wet right now, just from writing about it. I expect this to be a bit tricky for him to do in real life, because his most basic need (sexually) is to please his partner. So he'll probably worry that the "don't want" will override the "want".. Which it might, I can't give any guarantees.. But I hope he'll trust that I'll stop him, if there's something I REALLY don't want. Consent and trust is the basis of everything, after all. 

In summary: I want what I don't want, because he wants it.... But the reason HE wants it in the first place, is at least partially because he knows I want (or don't want, and therefore want) it......

It's a convoluted series of feedback loops, but I think it'll work itself out. And I think we'll have an awesome time with each other, regardless of how much or how little D/s play we end up doing. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.