And don't get me wrong: I love dick! And of course, occasionally there's a really beautiful picture that really fascinates me... The composition, the use of light and shadow, an unexpected viewpoint or something else beautiful and original. The vast majority, however.. They aren't like that. And even the artful ones aren't pictures that I'd want to have unexpectedly pop up on my phone. Also: Your average gif or video of a guy jerking off is NOT any better, let me tell you. Moving pictures isn't an improvement, when the motif is undesired to begin with.
So I'm phenomenally bored, and occasionally disgusted, by dick pics. However, as it turns out, the clue here is "undesired". I haven't desired these pictures, haven't wanted these dicks, haven't been even remotely interested to the people attatched to them.
I've received the occasional dick pic from partners and subs before, usually because I've asked for them. And those I've liked. They've even turned me on, occasionally, because of some subject of conversation related to said genitals. However, I can't remember being turned on by a dick in motion before..
Until my videocall with Arthur the other day. It was late, and we were discussing things that turned us on. I knew, from his breathing and motions, that he was touching himself. In the end, he asked if I wanted to see... And I did. I wasn't sure at first how I'd react, but I liked it. More than I thought I would. And perhaps more importantly: I've kept thinking about it since.
Partially, I think I feel flattered. He seemed to be turned on by ME, by things we talked about, things we want to do to one another. To hear and see such a concrete proof is flattering. I also feel flattered and pleased by the trust he shows me. I know it was difficult for him.
But it's more than that. It's not just a psychological impact. It's HIM. His dick, his hands, his breathing, his voice. That same video, made by anyone else, would be completely uninteresting. But I know it was him. That makes all the difference. He turns me on. His dick pics, his dick on video, is desired. It's welcome.
He asked to see mine as well (my pussy, obviously. I don't have a dick.), since he'd shown me his. It was sort of awkward with the angle and the light, but I think he got some idea at least...
On one hand, I love the idea of showing myself to him. Being seen, being desired. On the other hand I worry SO MUCH that what I'm doing isn't good enough, somehow. That he would be bored or displeased.
That uncertainty is such a big hindrance, because it blocks my exhibitionism in practice. So while I'm horney as hell when I think about it or talk about it (or write about it..), I became a fearful, uncertain bundle of nerves when I'm actually in a position to DO the things I'm fantasizing about. I hope to get past some of that uncertainty, at least when it comes to Arthur. I wonder if it would be easier if it was done TO me, rather than me being given some agency and choice in the matter... I don't know.
In any case, I think all this is a matter of experience, repetition and trust. A whole lot of trust.
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