Monday, October 11, 2021

Having the deck stacked against us

I've just had another weekend at a hotel with Arthur. And to my surprise, I don't really have a ton of stuff to write or angst about. Probably because we didn't really push my limits much at all. There's definitely difficult stuff that happened, and it's good for me to write about these things. But if I hadn't, I think I would have been able to shake it off anyway. At least in a few days. I'll write about the shitty stuff here, and then the positive / sexy stuff in the next post.

To start: We had almost the worst possible circumstances. He is struggling with a pretty serious depression, and is experiencing a lot of mental fatigue among other things. He's also got something we suspect might be a UTI (or a kidney stone?). I've managed to contract pneumonia on top of a bad cold, and my period began well over a week early. So in terms of physical and mental well-being, we were already in the negative before we even met up. 

We'd talked a lot in the months leading up to this, detailing things we'd like to experience with each other, talking about things that turned us on, and generally laying plans.. However, because of his mental fatigue, Arthur had forgotten practically everything we'd talked about. He remembered when I brought it up specifically, but I didn't do that until Sunday evening. So I spent most of the weekend waiting for him to initiate play he didn't remember that we'd even discussed... Logically, that resulted in miscommunication and hurt feelings all around. I felt rejected and ignored on and off up until then.

Late Sunday we finally tried playing with my ass, for example. And although I REALLY enjoyed two fingers into me, and probably could have orgasmed from that if we'd kept it up (and added a vibrator to my clit).. Adding a third finger didn't work at all. I got micro-tearing that felt like papercuts, and we just had to stop. If we'd worked on my ass all weekend, maybe using a butt plug over time or simply gentle repeated sessions, MAYBE we could have gotten further... But with that little time, and all the mental stress and anguish, my body just didn't want to cooperate.

And speaking of my body working against us: The dilation I'd been working on simply hadn't been sufficient. I couldn't get his dick in without pain. I can get my small vibrator (Stubby) in just fine, but his dick is really big. So I just couldn't. 

I tried to handle this myself (since he clearly wasn't really interested in me, or so I thought), but got really stressed out. That made me less horny and more tense, resulting in (you guessed it) an even harder time getting him into me. I asked for his help, because I suspected that his fingers could do what my vibrators couldn't.. But he didn't respond to that request at all, and I felt really, really rejected. During our talk Sunday night, he claimed that it simply hadn't registered with him (even though he remembered me saying it), due to his mental fatigue.

So late Sunday night, I finally got the help I wanted. And it DID help, a bit, enough that I managed to get his (definitely not rock hard or fully erect) dick into me. So a lot better than nothing, certainly, but a far cry from what I really wanted or needed. 

I feel like my pussy is.. Defective somehow. It's not working the way it's supposed to, and that worries me a lot.. It might be another 6 months before I have sex again... What will happen to my pussy in the meantime? How much of this is physiological (due to lichen sclerosus) and how much is psychological (due to feeling rejected, worrying etc)? I don't know. 

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