Sunday, October 17, 2021

How do you know if you're trans?

 This is a continuation of my previous post, please read that first. 

I keep having these tiny moments of clarity, where I go "oooooh! So THAT'S why I...". Like.. Why do I love rainbow-colored things? Why am I such a fierce lgbt+ ally (hint: I wasn't just an ally)? Why does gay porn turn me on so much? Why do I love wearing strap-on? Why do I hate wearing bras? Why do I hate any sort of high heel? Why do I love my short hair?

And sure, a lot of women hate wearing bras or high heels. A lot of women have short hair or are good lgbt+ allys. I'm sure a lot of women feel or like a lot of those things I mentioned.. But taken all together, for me, they're clear signs SOMETHING is up. 

Tonight at the party, two things happened that made me further question my gender. First of all, a guy I don't really like said something like "...and you're a girl I really like". And for years, I've hated being called "girl". It's infantilizing. I'm a woman, not a girl, or so I've firmly believed. Since I don't really like him, that should be enough to set my teeth on edge... But the girl/women-thing wasn't mainly what was bothering me about it this time... It was the fact that he sees me as a woman/girl/female that bothered me. In that moment, I didn't WANT to be seen as a woman. That felt shocking. I can't remember ever having felt like that before. 

Secondly, Foodie used "they/them" pronouns when talking about me to someone else... And whilst it felt really foreign and weird.. It also felt REALLY nice. Slightly euphoric, in fact. Simply because I WASN'T automatically being perceived as a woman by them. I don't think they/them pronouns are right for me.. In English they might be, but they feel really foreign to me in Norwegian. If I were to choose a different pronoun than she/her, I think I'd use the most prevailent neutral personal pronoun in Norway when speaking Norwegian: Hen. I'm not ready to take that step, though.. And I'm not sure I will.. But not being assumed as female felt.. Nice. 

I still keep questioning, though.. I mean.. It's only been a couple of days. This is the third evening I'm writing and pondering on this topic.. I question if I might just be too easily influenced by social media (TikTok) or by new, interesting people (Foodie)... If I might be imagining all of this.. If it might be just a phase.. And then I remember something that Foodie told me tonight. He was quoting from a TikTok I haven't seen (yet), and it basically went like this:

"How do you know if you're transgender?

......

Oh you're still here! Well, there you go then. 

Cis people don't question their gender identity."

And yeah, it might be simplified, but that struck a cord with me: Cis people don't question their gender identity. So the fact that I'm questioning whether this is all real, is in itself proof that it IS real.

And so most of the drive home from the BDSM party tonight, I cried. Cried, because this all feels so overwhelming and strange and new and raw. Cried because I'm so unsure of everything. Cried because I feel like I'm saying goodby to the person I thought I was, the person I have been for 35 years. Saying goodbye to being only a ciswoman. Crying because I'm afraid. Who am I?!?

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