It's the week for introspection and personal discovery, apparently. Is this a thing that typically happens shortly after the youngest child turns 2 years old..? If so, shouldn't some sort of warning label be handed out in the delivery room or something..? Haha.
Whilst I've been going through a gender crisis and realising that I'm not straight, Saint has realised that he doesn't communicate as well as he wants to. I feel like he's communicating fairly well, certainly better than any other partner I've ever had. But he wants to improve and become an even better partner, and that's something I really appreciate.
One of the things he's realised, is that all the kink we do is on his terms. Most of the kink we've ever done has been on his terms, catering to his desires and wants. That's basically how it always is, so I'm in no way shocked or even particularly disappointed by this. It's just the way it is. I build my sessions around what my play partners are interested in, within a framework of what I'm willing or able to do at that time with that person. So my consent is absolutely there. I wouldn't do something to someone if I didn't consent to it. But I build my sessions around THEIR needs and wants. Not mine.
Why? Mostly, I think it's because I hope that they'll do the same thing back. I get turned on by them being turned on, and that typically goes both ways, making a neat little spiral of horniness. I love to feel desired, I love when they actively show me that they want me, and they typically do that if they're pleased with what I do to them.
Also, as previously established, I believe I have no worth to anyone, am unlovable, if I'm not useful. So I make sure to be useful to them, so they'll love me. Also, making demands or even asking for what I want, means that I can be rejected. And as established in a previous post, I hate rejection. I've gotten a lot better at this, especially with long term partners like Saint whom I trust.. But it's still a thing.
So yeah, that's all a neat little package of "bullied in school" + "not being understood or supported by my parents as a child" + "over-intellectualizing, no idea what the emotions in there really are".
This tactic works really well in the first year or so, when the NRE is flowing and they feel in love and horny. I get a lot of sex, which I love, and they're super willing to touch me and basically worship my body. However, it goes completely to hell as soon as those chemical compounds really drop. In the beginning of a relationship, I always point out how much I love the amount of sex and how I know that no men can keep up with my desires over time. And each time, they will say "other men might not, but I have such a high sex drive it'll be no problem for me". And yet each time, I end up really frustrated eventually.
It's not really the sex that's the main point for me, though. It's the intimacy, the closeness, the connection. Breathing together, touching as much of each other as possible, making all those happy chemicals in super-close proximity to the other person. So what I crave isn't sex (although the piv sex is also really awesome, and a very "simple" way of getting all those other things I mention in this paragraph). What I crave is the touch.
Unpacking that is the easy part. The hard part is this: If I could be truly dominant, and not just a traumatized, high-anxiety, people-pleasing service dom... What would I want from a D/s relationship?
What would I want?
Aside from being touched, as much as humanly possible.. Aside from them showing me, through body language, and word, and deed, that they WANT me. Crave me. Find me sexy as hell. Worship me.
Aside from that.. ? I really don't know.
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