What am I? (part 2)

 If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you go do that first.

Another thing I realised, while binge-watching blacksuitblonde TikTok videos, was that not only am I attracted to them.. I want to BE them. No, not be them as in take over their life. But be them as in look like them. I want that style, that confidence, that sex appeal, those clothes. 

I cut my hair super short in the summer of 2018. At the time, I blamed it on it being really, really hot, and I had a 6 months old kid who kept pulling my hair. Also, showering and drying my long hair took ages, and as a new mom I just didn't have that much time. So the short hair was practical. 

Since then, I've kept it short. And I've felt a strong need to justify it, both to myself and others. "Because I like it", just hasn't felt like enough. I felt like I was encroaching on "lesbian territory" with this look, and felt a need to explain that I wasn't a lesbian.. I told people that taking on traditionally masculine style elements, like a "man's haircut", was a way to portray myself as strong, competent and confident. That I wanted to take advantage of the cultural stereotypes we have concerning feminine and masculine, and use those stereotypes to my advantage. 

And that's all true! HOWEVER, I've realised it's not ALL of the truth. Because what do I mean by all this, really..? 

.....

I stopped writing here and took a break. Not sure if I don't know what to say, or if I'm just terrified. 

I've realised one thing, though.. Once I'm done losing weight and have stabilized it for a while, I'd love to shop men's wear. Specifically, I'd like a dress shirt and a vest. I want to look smart, I want to look sexy. I want to look like a woman, but a more masculine, stronger woman. Does that mean I'll stop wearing dresses and such? No. I don't think so. But I'll have more options. 

And no, this isn't just about clothes.. Although clothes / style /appearance is a big and very obvious part of it. There's a lot more to unpack here, but I feel my mind shying away from it all. Clothes is a lot more concrete, easier to focus on. 

What am I, though..? Am I still cis? Or have my looooong standing interest in the lgbt+ world really just been a.. I don't know.. A cover? Like I'm not just trying to be a good ally, I'm.. I don't know.. Trying to be.. Me? I've been fascinated with lgbt+ since in my early teens, when I first started reading novels about gay and lesbian people. Was that all... A sign of something? 

What am I? Non-binary? Genderfluid? Queer? And if I'm not "just" a woman.. What will that mean to the people who love me or who find me sexy? Am I even ready to give up the label of "woman"? Will I ever be ready to do that? 

I don't know. Somehow, THIS realisation felt a lot heavier and more.. Difficult.. than the one in part 1 about sexual attraction. Who I want to fuck isn't as tricky to wrap my head around as who I AM. 

I'm 35 years old, and I no longer know what my gender identity is. Shit. I need to think about this. I.. Just don't know. 

Unexpectedly, there's also a part 3. Read on.