Sunday, January 30, 2011

A one-night-spank

I went to a all-girls party last night, and had the BDSM equivalent of a one-night-stand. I'm naming it a "one-night-spank".

I wasn't really in the mood to go at all, but felt I should go as B was one of the organisers and I do agree that it's a great concept. I wanted to support the concept and the organizers' idea.

Before the party: Dinner with Corvus
I met up with Corvus beforehand and had dinner. He was going to another party. He drove me to my party before going to meet up with a couple of his own friends. Before I exited the car, I petted and teased him a bit. It had a major effect on him, making him really turned on. It was just a few minutes, but it was a lot of fun.

It had a big impact on me as well, as I've REALLY missed playing with him. Sure, it wasn't D/s in the true sense of the word, but I was still the active part and affecting his body and emotions. I was the Top. And even though he wasn't submitting to me mentally, it still felt empowering to me to be alowed to tease him like that. There isn't the intense emotional connection of a sub/Dom scene, but that's just fine. He isn't up to that these days, and probably won't be up for it in quite a while. This lighter tone of Top/bottom feels good too, and I think it's easier to handle for both of us.

The party
Walking away from his car, I felt much more motivated for BDSM than I had in a long time. It's strange how tiny things make such a big difference. At the party, there was a diverse crowd. A few lesbian BDSM couples, arriving together and staying together the entire evening. A few lesbians arriving alone, a few who weren't so easy to put tags on and a couple of transvestites.

One of the trannies was someone I hadn't seen before. Fairly old, I was thinking late 40-ies/early 50-ies, fairly shy and uncertain and obviously quite inexperience and very eager. He/she (I will hereforth use "he" as he's singning e-mails using his male name and lives as a male in his daily life) kept hoveing in the outskirts of conversations, not being quite forward enough to ever quite get through with his own comments. He was just on the edge between eager and desperate, but wasn't being annoying or creepy.

Sometime after midnight, I was seriously concidering going home. I wasn't having such a great time, I was cold and somewhat bored. I decided to change into my regular clothes and see if that would improve my mood. As I got back from changing my clothes, I joined a group of people which included that transvestite. I said something nonsensical to start a conversation with him.. Something like "I suppose this hallway is the place to be?". Before I knew it he'd said straight out that if I was looking for someone to Dominate, he would be willing.

This quite forward suggestion took me somewhat by suprise. On one side, I'd been sensing that he'd wanted someone to play with and was somewhat interested in me. It had become apparent throughout the evening. On the other hand I'm just not used to people comming on to me like that. Right there and then, I REALLY wasn't in the mood and wanted to turn him down. However, I also felt sorry for him. He was obviously very keen on playing and was feeling fairly insecure, so turning him down would probably make him even more insecure. Rejection is difficult to deal with, even in the most ideal circumstances, and I didn't want to hurt him.

So in stead I told him I wasn't sure if I felt like it, but maybe we could talk a bit more and get to know eachother. We walked into the quiet zone, where the music wasn't as loud, and sat down next to one another. After some time sitting and talking, getting to know eachother, I was slowly getting used to the idea of playing with this person. We started light, a bit of pinching and such and then went downstairs to the play areas.

Naughty subs = manipulative wannabe Tops?
Playing with this person was fairly odd as he was SO different from what I'm used to. First of all, he was a "naughty sub" meaning that he rebelled and disobeyed the commands I gave him. When I give an order, it's because I want or need the sub to comply. I need to be obeyed in the sceene to ensure the safety and comfort of both myself and the sub. If the sub keeps disobeying I loose trust in him, eventually making playing with that sub impossible for me.

My problem was, I didn't realise that he was being so naughty on purpose until we'd played for a little while. And even then, when I started to "play along" more or less, he seemed unable to differentiate between what rules he might safely disobey (like "stand still while I'm hitting your ass") and which rules he should obey or I would get seriously annoyed and stop playing (like "I don't like that you keep trying to touch me, please don't do that again").

I'm not sure I like naughty subs at all. Naughty subs seem to disobey as a way to provoke punishment and harsher treatment. To me, this smells heavily of trying to manipulate the Dominant, "topping from the bottom" as some people call it. Expressing your wishes and desires is a good thing, trying to force the Dom to fulfill them is not. As a Dominant, I don't need excuses to punish a sub. If I wish to subject the sub to pain or humiliation, I will do so, without any prompting from the sub. I could just ignore the subs naughtyness, but with a fresh sub that I don't know that doesn't work out so well because I need to establish myself as the boss. Rebelling can't be tollerated. So I have to react to the subs naughtyness, which is exactly what the sub wants. But then I'm dancing to his tune, in stead of him dancing to mine. Who was in controll, again?

Perhaps other Doms think differently, perhaps they enjoy the naughty subs. I'm sure I wouldn't mind a sub being naughty now and again, but with a few clear rules in place:
1. Know which commands must be obeyed and which may safely be disobeyed. Only rebell on the small things, never on bigger issues.
2. Be clear in your signals to the Dom that "I'm being naughty now", so that to make sure you are percieved as a naughty sub within the scene (the roleplay). If you fail to do this, you will be percived as though you are objecting to the command OUTSIDE the scene (the roleplay), meaning there is something seriously wrong and codewords should have been used.
3. Don't do it all the time. This should be an occational thing. Never, EVER try to push the Dom into doing something she/he doesn't wish to do. You are not the boss. You may state your opinions and wishes, you may not nag about them and try to push them down someone's throat.
4. Be satisfied with whatever reaction you get. You may be ignored. You may be verbally corrected. You may end up getting a serious beating or other long-term punishment. You are not the one in control of this. The Dom has the priviledge of not having to be reasonable in her/his reactions. Whatever happens is your fault. Deal with it and don't bitch.
Winnie is the perfect example of someone who complies with these rules. At least to a very large degree. He's the naughtiest sub I know, and yet he's very fun to play with.

People I don't know shouldn't try to touch me!
Another issue I had with this person was his need to touch me. I'm used to using my body as a means of comfort and a way of establishing rank. For example having the submissive lean on me, put his head in my lap etc. I'm using to petting, stroking and comforting the sub. What I'm not used to is the sub taking so much initiative in touching me back. With someone I know, I greatly enjoy being touched and petted myself. However, with someone I'd just met it just feel weird. Creepy, even. I told him to stop several times, as well as physically grabbing his hand and moving it away. And yet he percisted. We talked it over afterwards, and it turned out he was just being naughty. He didn't percieve that command as something to take seriously, but as just another part of the scene (the roleplay). During the scene, this felt very uncomfortable and weird to me. I was on the verge of ending the scene multiple times. The touching wasn't intimate in any way. Just on whatever bodypart was closest to him (arm, leg etc). Still, I didn't like it.

Seen in hindsight, I probably should have used a codeword (yellow/pink) to properly communicate how I felt about that. However at the time I was afraid he'd get a serious sub drop or similar depressive reaction of I stopped or ended the scene in such a abrupt manner. I think I should perhaps learn to become more selfish.

After the party ended, I ended up comming with him to his hotel so we could talk some more. I felt responsible for his wellbeing, seeing as we'd just played, and didn't want to let him go without ensuring that he was ok. I was not the least bit afraid of him. He was completely harmless, way to insecure and delicate to in any way wish to harm me. We talked for another hour and a half, and then I went home.

Today, I recieved an e-mail from him thanking me for a great night and expressing a wish to see me again. I responded, letting him know that I enjoyed myself and would indeed like to get to know him better. However, I was very clear on the subject of further playing: I doubt we'll ever play again. I won't rule it out completely, but I really don't want him to have any illusions that we might somehow become play partners.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


T and I had a great evening yesterday. After dinner, we wached part of a movie called "Dirty Diaries". It was a gift from B at our birthday (or Christmas? I can't remember), and it's 12 short movies. It's feminist porn meets art. A couple of them were definitly more art than porn, but some were really cool. We stopped the film about halfway through and went into the bedroom to have sex.

A few people in an online community I'm a member of have been mentioning DP lately. DP = Double penetration. I wasn't sure what the big fuss was about, but it's been a long time since we've done anything anal, so I figured we could try it out.

Getting the but plug inside me went surprisingly well. I lubed myself up, put a condom on the plug and lubed it well, then started pushing it in. About half-way I had to stop, to let the muscles get used to it. T held a vibrator to the base of the plug, which was a great help. Somehow, vibrations make it feel less uncomfortable and I avoided that burning, aching feeling almost entirely. Slowly, I got it almost all the way in, but the last half of a centimeter just wouldn't go in without it hurting. And if it's hurting, you're doing it wrong. So after trying for a while, I took the blug back out and put more lube on it. That did the trick. I was able to push it all the way in with very little trouble. T was wonderfully patient and helpful, which made me relax more and not get stressed. I always worry that I'm boring him, when I do stuff that takes a bit of time.

Perhaps I've misunderstood something, but we tried him fucking me whilst I had the but plug up my ass. That worked out well enough, after some fumbling, but the base of the butplug got a bit in the way. He was completely unable to figer me, as long as it was in me. Fucking was possible, in certain positions, but I'm not sure there was that much of a difference to either of us. I'm just not sure if it's worth all the work and fumbling. Though I'm definitly not complaining. I came twice. *grin*

Afterwards, I took the plug out and we tried regular anal (with his dick). We were able to get it in, but I was getting a bit sore and it didn't do much for him, so we stopped and instead just had regular sex. And that was very nice too. :)

I was a bit tense, it felt a bit odd and I have no routies on how to do it. So it wasn't the best of circumstances, I suppose. Still, the but plug did on occation feel somewhat nice (which is more than I've gotten out of it the previous times I've tried). The vibrations, especially, but then I'm a sucker for vibrators. I definitly see the potential of anal being very nice, we just haven't worked out how to do that yet. Perhaps a vibrating but plug up my ass combined with a vibrator (like my beloved Stubby) in my pussy? I don't feel like trying it out anytime soon, but perhaps sometime is the future.

Too much time on my hands

Corvus and I met up about a week ago, to talk things over. That helped. A lot. Knowing I wouldn't loose him entirely, even if we wouldn't be playing anymore, was a great comfort. Also, it was great simply to know that he was doing ok. We agreed that we needed to take things slow, but he wasn't averse to the idea of starting to play again sometime in the future. Having that to look forward to, in stead of just cutting everything out of my life, also helped.

Still, being so suddenly without a play partner has had an inpact on me. I'm a lot less motivated to participate in munches and parties in the BDSM scene. I don't have the energy or interest of trying to catch someone new. I was what we had, or barring that I don't really want anything. I've been to a cruising party, but all I did was walk around and watch. I left early. Tonight, I'm going to an all-girls party. There's a lot of people I know, so I guess it'll be cool seeing them again. But I'm not feeling terribly excited about it. :/

As I'm not participating in the local BDSM scene, nor meeting up with Corvus privately, I suddenly have a lot more time on my hands. Much of that time is spent with T, which has been good for both of us. However, T has other stuff to do so he isn't always home. And besides, if we were always sitting on top of eachother it would drive us both mad. :P

So I would have liked to have SOMETHING to do during weekdays. My days feel so empty now, they're all the same. I work, I go shopping, I go home, I wach TV, I make dinner for myself or for the both of us. Then I play Dragon Age on our Playstation, read or spend time online until it's time to go to bed. I sleep, I get up, I go to work. And for most days in the week, that would be just fine. Corvus was my hobby, because BDSM was my hobby. With him gone, and me loosing interest in the BDSM community (temporarily, I hope), there's very little left for me to occupy my time.

Sure, I have other things that I enjoy doing. Like playing tabletop roleplay. However, it's not happening often enough to be that kind of hobby. Before, ever Tuesday I knew where I'd be. Now I don't. Perhaps I'll feel like going to the occational much sometime soon, but without someone to play with it just isn't the same.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm

For many years I've advocated that for some people, breaking down into tears and crying while engaged in BDSM play is beneficial. For me it certainly has been. It's a form of release, where physical pain becomes the trigger to also release emotional pain and stress. I still believe firmly that for some people, this is positive. The fact that I've experienced it as positive is enough to make that statement true.

However, I've recently started thinking of a way where breaking can be used in a negative manner. A manner very similar to what I was talking about before, but which takes the "self-medication" value and brings it to a new extreme. I'm not sure if this is what I experienced with Corvus, and helped him do to himself, just before and after Christmas... But it does have certain signs. Specifically, I'm talking about self-harm.

From Wikipedia:
Self-harm is also apparent in high-functioning individuals who have no underlying clinical diagnosis. The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions. These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness and a sense of failure or self-loathing.
As well as defining self-harm in terms of the act of damaging one's own body, it may be more accurate to define self-harm in terms of the intent, and the emotional distress that the person is attempting to deal with.

Just to have it clear: I have never purposfully broken the skin of anyone. Nor have I ever hurt anyone to the extent where you could see significant strain on the skin, like skabs or very serious bruising. Sure, there's been bruises, but nothing akind to what I see other BDSM people submitting themself or others to.

However, from the definition of self harm it is something hurtfull you put yourself through in an attempt to temporarily relieve yourself of emotional stress, depression etc. And isn't that exactly what breaking does too? Isn't that exactly what I said was so GOOD about being made to cry during a BDSM scene in my first paragraph? I think these are eerily similar. Have I assisted Corvus in doing harm to himself?!?

On the other hand, lots of other potentially dangerous things are done as a form of stress relief. Basejumping comes to mind... Motorcycle racing.... Going to a football match and screaming at the oposing team and their supporters... Working out until you can barely stand upright... All these can also be said to be potentially dangerous, hurtfull or both. And all may be used as a way to relieve emotional stress and such.

In the end, I think all these methods of relief relate to the release of hormones. Endorphines, adrenaline or whatever they're all called. (I'm no biochemist. :P )What gives you a kick or a feeling of joy when your heart is racing and you're doing something your instincts tell you that you shouldn't. And then you go ahead and do it anyway.

What differentiates self-harm from all these others is perhaps that it is "harm". Not "hurt" or "endanger" but simple, destructive "harm". It is destroying in stead of building. Perhaps.. I'm really not sure. (I'm no psycologist either. :P ) I guess I just don't know enough about this area to really be able to answer my own questions. Perhaps someone else out there can?

Interlude: A party outside of town

While all this crap was going on, ofcourse our daily lives continued. T, Corvus and I went to a party at a friend's house outside of town. We were celebrating the second aniversary of their new, fairly small BDSM club.

Corvus was not doing well. On one hand he was happy to be out and about, seeing people and functioning.. On the other side, he was clearly stressed and depressed and didn't know how to handle it. He broke down in tears, practically without me touching him, three times during 24 hours.

At least T had a good time. He was hanging out with Flower as well as being social with others in that club. That scene concists mainly of people under 40, so we were all fairly young and many shared some rather geeky hobbies. All three of us spent the night there, and the next day T stayed behind whilst Corvus and I went home.

I'm absolutely thrilled that T had such a good time. Being solicided, invited and encouraged by another woman like that is great for his self-esteem! I also view him having more sex as a pluss for us as a couple, almost regardless of whom that sex is with. Sexual activity breeds sexual activity, meaning that in periods when he's active with others, we typically have more sex too. Or, if we're not in the mood for sex, then at least we're more affectionate and cuddly and happy. So everyone benefits from this, it's not just some crazy altruistic thought that doesn't lead to anything good. (See, I'm not nuts. :P )

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What has happened, part 3: An attempted chronology

Middle of August 2010: Met Corvus for the first time, started playing after the third meeting. Talked a lot beforehand.

November: The rollercoaster ride of emotions that corvus was experiencing after our play sessions were getting steeper and more extreme. Tried my best to help him and be supportive.

December: Corvus showing clear signs of being depressed.

Late December: Two weeks appart because of vacations. He grows increasingly depressed. Is talking about taking his own life.

Early January: Corvus is suicidal. I managed to talk him out of it, keep him close, help him as much as I can. He stays at mine and T's appartement for several days, so as not to be alone.

Week 2 of January: He expects to function in tip-top shape, both at work and privately, despite having just been on the virge of suicide. Is frustrated that he's unable to live up to his own expectations of himself. Does not recoginze that mental problems should be regarded as illnesses, just as if you'd broken a leg or had gotten pneumonia. Refuses to seek professional help. Stopped wearing corsets (which to me was a major warning sign).

Friday January 12: Decides to cut out everything relating to fetish and BDSM. Will not even have anything to do with his own fetishes, not even when alone at home. Ends the BDSM relationship he's had with me.

Satuday January 13: Talks with a friend of his who's taken over my place as "primary supporter". Good he's got someone, at least. Is asked if I can still be a friend to him, because he needs it. I respond that if the need is dire, then he can always come to me. I'm here for him. But UNLESS there is a dire need, I'd prefer if we could keep our distances for a while.

Sunday January 14: Shows Fetlife that he's still alive by posting an entry stating that this hiatus is probably just temporary. Has obviously done a lot of thinking, now saying that the reasons for the hiatus is to find a balance between BDSM/kink and real life. Because BDSM was taking over, so he had no time or energy left for anything else. I find myself agreeing with him, but wish he'd come to this realisation sooner.. Before he'd hurt me as bad as he did.

Monday January 15: Corvus is back in corsets again, or so he says on Fetlife. This gives me great joy to see, as I take it as a sign he's recovering. (Though it could just be a sign that the muscles of his lower back have been weakened by a couple of years continuously in corsets, and that he hasn't got any other choice.. :P )

Current status: He seems to be on his way back to a normal life. At least according to Fetlife. I've had no direct contact with him, nor with any of his friends. So what this means, how well he truly is and what will happen in the future.. I don't know.

Ofcourse I hope he can work through this, find that balance he's searching for and that we then can get back to playing with eachother again. Because I really enjoy it and given a choice I'd love to continue doing it. I'm more than willing to take a break, give him the time he needs, and then try to keep things slow... But I fear that won't happen. I fear we won't play again, because trust has been broken on both sides. Besides, I don't know if we'll ever play again, because I don't know if he'll ever want me back. Or by the time he does want me back, perhaps I've gotten over him? Perhaps I've found some other toy, or simply changed my mind? Only the future will show.

What has happened, part 2: Guilt

This is a copy of a post I made in a group on Fetlife:

Subdrop: Always a result of insufficient aftercare ?

I've recently had a pretty tough experience with a depressive sub. When I look back now, it seems clear to me that the depression somehow was triggered by our playing. After reading about subdrop online (inspired by a group I noticed he'd joined), the description of subdrop looks eerily like what he seemed to go through. Or at least subdrops might have been a trigger, a cathalyst for an underlying depression that up until then had been held in check.

Example of what I've been reading: BDSM for beginners: Aftercare for submissives

And this is where I got confused, and almost offended by what I found online. The description and explanations I found seemed to say that subdrop could occur if the aftercare hadn't been sufficent (either in quality or quantity). In other words: If the Dom(me) knew their business, did what he/she was supposed to do and took properly care of the sub, then subdrop wouldn't happen.

And from personal experience I find this hard to believe. I've been on the submissive side myself, I KNOW how essential aftercare is. Reading guides and tips I can honestly say that I've done (or at least tried) practically everything. I cuddle a lot, I give praise and I encourage, I keep the sub warm, make sure he drinks enough and gets his bloodsugar back up. I keep an eye on him once he's back on his feet, talking over the session with him if he wants or just keep him company if that's what he prefers. We discuss how we felt, how we feel, what worked and what didn't, and we aproach the "normal world" slowly and with care. I do all this, I know all this!

So if there isn't anything wrong with my aftercare, then he shouldn't have subdrops. But it seems a lot as though that's exactly what has been going on. He's been dropping once he's alone again, usually a few hours (sometimes as much as a day) after a session. He becomes moody, introvert or just sad and scared, for no apparent reason (sounds familiar, right?). And it usually passes again within a day or so. (Or at least it used to, before a full blow depression got in the way.)

So if those were subdrops, and we just didn't see it at the time... Then I must have beend doing something wrong with the aftercare. Right?

Or perhaps the online litterature on this field isn't entirely correct...? Perhaps you can do everything "by the book" and still have the sub experience subdrop. What do you think? And if this is the case, what on earth should one DO with it?!?

What has happened, part 1: A chaotic jumble of feelings

Where the fuck should I start? These last three weeks have been a chaotic, confusing, frustrating jumble of crap. I couldn't possibly do this chronologically, but luckily this isn't a ship's log so I don't have to. This is about me writing and in the process trying to structure my mind and inject some order into the chaos of thoughts and emotions that is me.

Let's start at the end, which was Friday the 14th of January. Corvus dumps me. The term is inapropriate, because we were never "together" as the term suggests, but I have no better word for what happened. We went from having a BDSM relationship, a close bond between friends who did a lot of fun and exciting stuff together, to not have anything at all. And in a blink of an eye. He decided to cut all kink, all BDSM and fetish and everything, out of his life. So naturally, I had to be cut too. He didn't seem to care the least that he, just with a few words, ended something amazing and fulfilling that has lasted for almost 5 months. There was no concideration for me, how I'd take it, what I'd feel. It was selfish, and although it was obviously done as a desperate act in order to survive (more about that later), it wasn't pleasant to be in the recieving end. It wasn't even face to face, it was by phone.. While he was busy at work. I don't think the circumstances could possibly have been worse.

So yeah, I'm hurt. The way he did it, with no concideration or empathy, hurt like hell. Rationally, I know that he didn't mean to hurt me, but emotions don't listen to reason. He did. And it wasn't nice.

I'm coping fairly well. Most of the time, I'm too busy to think about it much. It's moments like this, when I'm writing about it or explaining it to someone... I feel tears welling up. I can't explain why, really, not even to myself. What is it I miss? What is my problem? Why can't I just shrug and move on?

A large part of it is loosing a friend. Sure, we could still be friends, and probably will be again sometime. But right now, when I'm hurting and really could need him to hug, rant to, talk with... Now he isn't here. I used to be so involved in his life. What goes on with his collegues now, more drama? Has his friend settled in the house he's bought? Has he figured out what was wrong with his car? Has his sister given birth yet and is she doing ok? I don't know, and I won't be able to find out. I miss the chatting, exchanging stories and advice. Supporting eachother. It's what friends do, and we aren't doing that.

Eventually we could get back to that friendship, if perhaps not as strongly as we used to. For now, I'm choosing to keep a distance to him. Why? Because I also miss him as a play partner. The connection we had. I miss the way he moan when I twist his nipples. The way he squirms underneath me when I'm stopping his breathing. The way he looks at me sometimes. The way he sits on the floor in front of me, head in my lap, my fingers in his hair. The way his breathing changes when I put my mouth to his ear, flicking my tongue over his earlobe.

Right now, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my hands from him. Touching him, in some way or another, seems so natural when we're in the same room together. It's what I've been doing for 5 months now. Seeing him again now, and being unable to do that... I know it would make me ache. It would feel weird, unnatural. "He is MINE!", my mind screams. "Mine to touch, to hurt, to grab, to pet. My toy, my plaything!" Or so he was. And that hurts too.

And then there's the social part. In a way, that is the bit which at the moment is the biggest hindrance in my daily life. I've been playing with Corvus almost since I got back involved with the Oslo BDSM scene. When I am at the club, we play. Or at least were both there, usually, so I have his company. I have him to focus on.

To quote a status update I wrote on Fetlife yesterday (Tuesdays is the regular munch day):
What's the point of showing up, if you have nothing to do?
Someone suggested socializing is a good reason to show up, or to meet random people to tie up. My answer to that was:
If I want to meet friends, I can do it elsewhere. No need to go to Nonna. And I'm really not in the mood for random playing now. I need it to mean something, I need that spark, the connection between the players. With random people it just isn't there. That way I won't meet anyone new to play seriously with either, but right now I'm fine with that. I just... can't. Not yet.
And that is the truth. Corvus and I have build a connection over the last 5 months. It just won't be the same without that, and I won't be sattisfied with anything less now that I know how GREAT that can truly be. And I'm certainly not in the mood to find someone else and start building something new. Not the way this relationship went to hell.

I still want to go to munches and parties at the club, but once I'm there I find myself wandring aimless from room to room. I exchange pleasantries with people I know and people I don't know, but it all feels fairly meaninless. I joke about being "on the prowl" looking for new victimes, but in the end none of those who could be willing appeal to me. And so I'm left with nothing to do but be social, and honestly I have better uses for my time (there's always Playstation.. :P ). An so I feel myself withdrawing. It hasn't been long yet, just under a week, but I can see where this is going. Just like he decided to break off from the BDSM scene, so am I about to do the same. Not to the same extreme, ofcourse. I'll still come to the occational party or much.. But it just doesn't engage me, doesn't excite me or interest me in the way it used to.

Ofcourse, this will all pass. My rational mind knows this. This is a phase, it will gradually come to an end. Comparing this to when other relationships I my life have gone bad (friendships or love), I'm actually handling this fairly well. And so I know this will pass.

However, feelings don't listen to reason. So for now, I feel abandoned. Lonely. Hurt. Sad. Upset. Angry. Lost. And abandoned again, perhaps most of all. He didn't just abandon me, THAT I could probably handle. He abandoned US. What we had, both outside and during our sessions. He left something great, threw it asside as though it had no value. And I'm left here alone, unable to talk it over with him, wondering what on earth I did WRONG!?!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

A kinky New Years party

These last couple of days have been interesting. T and I invited a bunsh of kinky people for New Years Eve. We were having a party at our place. By chance or providence, only four beutiful, kinky, sexy, interesting girls said yes. So the last day of 2010, T was the only guy in a room full of girls. Let's just say he didn't mind. :P Our guests included B and Flower, whom I've mentioned in this blog before. (Check out the "Pseudonymes" link on the right side here, if you need reminding.)

Winter hollidays have been somewhat stressfull, with a lot of traveling. Besides, both T and I have come down with a cold that's left us tired and out of breath. We've gotten steadily better these last few days, and so a few hours before our guests arrived we had sex for the last time in 2010. It left me a bit sore, because my mind got horney a lot quicker than my body.. As usual. Doesn't matter though, the soreness is worth it every time it happens.

T and I talked a bit in advance about our guests and what might and might not happen. We were hoping T might have some fun with Flower. Our expectations were met, and then some. At one point, I was busy talking, cuddling (and tying up) one girl.. B was being grabbed and fondled by another girl.. And T was teasing and hurting Flower. All going on in our living room. (Good thing we have curtains!) Later on, I got to play with the girl B was somewhat involved with, while T was fondling B. So yeah, we were a big friendly bunsh of sexually open-minded people. There were no orgies, but everyone (except me) were topless at some point during the evening. :)

Everyone ended up spending the night with us, and we had a nice, late breakfast together before most of the girls left. Flower stayed with us, and that's when most of the real action started. I was really tired and not really in the mood for much action, but didn't mind T having some fun. He left the door to the room ajar, and I was welcome to enter at any time.

I did come in eventually, but didn't participate much. I wached, listled and got somewhat turned on by what was going on. So I mastrurbated while listening to Flower moaning. That was fun. Eventually, I also joined them in bed, but just to cuddle a bit. I wouldn't call that a threesome, but I think Flower did. After I left the room, T fucked her. Me joining them was important because it shows Flower that I am genuinly ok with this, it's not just something I'm saying to please T (or her).

Flower is nice, and her body is nice and I can definitly see why T is turned on by her. However, I'm not really that keen on fucking her. I'm not sure why, but it might partially be related to her age. (She's around 40, I think.) Another reason could be because I feel T deserves to have her a bit to himself. He doesn't get as many oportunities to play with others and I do, as he isn't in a steady BDSM relationship with anyone. And besides, it's always trickyer for dominant men than it is for dominant women to find a play partner. He deserves to have some fun, he deserves to get physically involved with someone without me looking over his shoulder all the time. We still tell eachother everything that's going on, and I trust him. That's enough for me.

So yeah, we've had a good New Year's celebration. :)