Sunday, October 17, 2021

Brainstorming what I love

 I try to brainstorm a bit.. What are the things I have done as a dominant, that have really turned me on? What do I really love to do or experience? What do I dream about?

Things I've done that I loved: 

  • Worn a strap-on
  • Used a strap-on to fuck a guy in the ass
  • Given someone pain, just because I want them to hurt. And they enjoyed taking it, for me. 
  • Made someone learn how to bundle my ropes the way I like them (because why should I do the clean-up, if I can make someone else do it for me?)
  • Taught someone how to make my tea the way I like it. Made them ask if they may make me tea (it's a lot easier for me to accept letting them do it as a favor to THEM, rather than as a requirement from me).
  • Made someone watch my pussy (and my body, but mainly my pussy) while I masturbated. (Because I'm an exhibitionist. Although this didn't work out so well in practice, because they weren't comfortable with the experience at all. And I'm very sensitive to other people's feelings, so it kind of threw me out of the headspace a bit.) 
  • Used a title. (Only ever happened in one relationship. Didn't think I'd like it, but turned out I really, really did.)
  • Sucked cock (but I will start disliking it, if they aren't into it. Yeah, I love sucking dick, but it's not COMPLETELY unrelated to the reactions and feelings of the person attached to the dick.)
  • Had piv sex regularly
  • Made someone come, given them pleasure.
  • Shibari. But that's not mainly sexy. That's more zen, and it feels like an accomplishment. 
Things I've not done, that I think I'll love:

  • Receiving a massage from someone who isn't sighing or complaining about it, and whom I don't have to constantly watch for sign of whether they don't really want to do it or not. Where I'm the one stopping when I'VE had enough, not when I think they've had enough.
  • Having someone basically be a dildo/vibrator-holder while I masturbate. (Again, where I don't have to continuously watch out for their uncomfort or whether they don't really want to do it. And not when I'm pushed into it, because someone else decides they'd like to see me come.) 
  • Fucking someone (piv sex) with complete disregard for their pleasure or comfort. (Would probably need to fuck a strap-on for that to be possible, but it could still be fun.)
  • Given someone chores to do around the house to make my life easier and more comfortable... And having them continue to do them, without continuous supervision and without forgetting after a week or two. So I could check at any time, and they could tell me where they're att with this week's chores (This is NOT the same as someone choosing for themselves, or we agreeing, that they should do certain parts of the household chores. This is SPECIFICALLY chosen by me, to make MY life easier. This WOULD be designed to tilt the "who does the most around the house" scale more towards them and less towards me. And they should remember that they're doing it, not because it "needs doing", but because I told them to.)

But several of these are really quite vanilla. And even those who aren't... That isn't a very extensive list for someone who's been in the BDSM scene for over 18 years. I'm pretty sure there should / could be a lot more on both lists, but I'm simply not in-tune enough with my own emotions or desires to know what else I could write. 

And considering all the other chaos in my head right now, I don't have the space or the spoons to unpack this anymore right now. Gender takes precedence over sex right now, since I don't have that much of an active sex life anyway and gender is such a big part of my identity.

I crave touch

It's the week for introspection and personal discovery, apparently. Is this a thing that typically happens shortly after the youngest child turns 2 years old..? If so, shouldn't some sort of warning label be handed out in the delivery room or something..? Haha.

Whilst I've been going through a gender crisis and realising that I'm not straight, Saint has realised that he doesn't communicate as well as he wants to. I feel like he's communicating fairly well, certainly better than any other partner I've ever had. But he wants to improve and become an even better partner, and that's something I really appreciate.

One of the things he's realised, is that all the kink we do is on his terms. Most of the kink we've ever done has been on his terms, catering to his desires and wants. That's basically how it always is, so I'm in no way shocked or even particularly disappointed by this. It's just the way it is. I build my sessions around what my play partners are interested in, within a framework of what I'm willing or able to do at that time with that person. So my consent is absolutely there. I wouldn't do something to someone if I didn't consent to it. But I build my sessions around THEIR needs and wants. Not mine. 

Why? Mostly, I think it's because I hope that they'll do the same thing back. I get turned on by them being turned on, and that typically goes both ways, making a neat little spiral of horniness. I love to feel desired, I love when they actively show me that they want me, and they typically do that if they're pleased with what I do to them. 

Also, as previously established, I believe I have no worth to anyone, am unlovable, if I'm not useful. So I make sure to be useful to them, so they'll love me. Also, making demands or even asking for what I want, means that I can be rejected. And as established in a previous post, I hate rejection. I've gotten a lot better at this, especially with long term partners like Saint whom I trust.. But it's still a thing.

So yeah, that's all a neat little package of "bullied in school" + "not being understood or supported by my parents as a child" + "over-intellectualizing, no idea what the emotions in there really are". 

This tactic works really well in the first year or so, when the NRE is flowing and they feel in love and horny. I get a lot of sex, which I love, and they're super willing to touch me and basically worship my body. However, it goes completely to hell as soon as those chemical compounds really drop. In the beginning of a relationship, I always point out how much I love the amount of sex and how I know that no men can keep up with my desires over time. And each time, they will say "other men might not, but I have such a high sex drive it'll be no problem for me". And yet each time, I end up really frustrated eventually.

It's not really the sex that's the main point for me, though. It's the intimacy, the closeness, the connection. Breathing together, touching as much of each other as possible, making all those happy chemicals in super-close proximity to the other person. So what I crave isn't sex (although the piv sex is also really awesome, and a very "simple" way of getting all those other things I mention in this paragraph). What I crave is the touch.

Unpacking that is the easy part. The hard part is this: If I could be truly dominant, and not just a traumatized, high-anxiety, people-pleasing service dom... What would I want from a D/s relationship? 

What would I want? 

Aside from being touched, as much as humanly possible.. Aside from them showing me, through body language, and word, and deed, that they WANT me. Crave me. Find me sexy as hell. Worship me.

Aside from that.. ? I really don't know.

How do you know if you're trans?

 This is a continuation of my previous post, please read that first. 

I keep having these tiny moments of clarity, where I go "oooooh! So THAT'S why I...". Like.. Why do I love rainbow-colored things? Why am I such a fierce lgbt+ ally (hint: I wasn't just an ally)? Why does gay porn turn me on so much? Why do I love wearing strap-on? Why do I hate wearing bras? Why do I hate any sort of high heel? Why do I love my short hair?

And sure, a lot of women hate wearing bras or high heels. A lot of women have short hair or are good lgbt+ allys. I'm sure a lot of women feel or like a lot of those things I mentioned.. But taken all together, for me, they're clear signs SOMETHING is up. 

Tonight at the party, two things happened that made me further question my gender. First of all, a guy I don't really like said something like "...and you're a girl I really like". And for years, I've hated being called "girl". It's infantilizing. I'm a woman, not a girl, or so I've firmly believed. Since I don't really like him, that should be enough to set my teeth on edge... But the girl/women-thing wasn't mainly what was bothering me about it this time... It was the fact that he sees me as a woman/girl/female that bothered me. In that moment, I didn't WANT to be seen as a woman. That felt shocking. I can't remember ever having felt like that before. 

Secondly, Foodie used "they/them" pronouns when talking about me to someone else... And whilst it felt really foreign and weird.. It also felt REALLY nice. Slightly euphoric, in fact. Simply because I WASN'T automatically being perceived as a woman by them. I don't think they/them pronouns are right for me.. In English they might be, but they feel really foreign to me in Norwegian. If I were to choose a different pronoun than she/her, I think I'd use the most prevailent neutral personal pronoun in Norway when speaking Norwegian: Hen. I'm not ready to take that step, though.. And I'm not sure I will.. But not being assumed as female felt.. Nice. 

I still keep questioning, though.. I mean.. It's only been a couple of days. This is the third evening I'm writing and pondering on this topic.. I question if I might just be too easily influenced by social media (TikTok) or by new, interesting people (Foodie)... If I might be imagining all of this.. If it might be just a phase.. And then I remember something that Foodie told me tonight. He was quoting from a TikTok I haven't seen (yet), and it basically went like this:

"How do you know if you're transgender?


Oh you're still here! Well, there you go then. 

Cis people don't question their gender identity."

And yeah, it might be simplified, but that struck a cord with me: Cis people don't question their gender identity. So the fact that I'm questioning whether this is all real, is in itself proof that it IS real.

And so most of the drive home from the BDSM party tonight, I cried. Cried, because this all feels so overwhelming and strange and new and raw. Cried because I'm so unsure of everything. Cried because I feel like I'm saying goodby to the person I thought I was, the person I have been for 35 years. Saying goodbye to being only a ciswoman. Crying because I'm afraid. Who am I?!?

The gender thing

It's been two days, and my head is still spinning. I spend my time switching between forgetting it / hiding from it, pondering / crying about it, and just a general feeling of freaking out. No, not the "being turned on by some women" part. Yes, I'm queer. Yes, that's really weird, but no it doesn't really freak me out as much. It's the gender thing. THAT is what's freaking me out. 

For a "cis" woman, I counted myself as relatively well-informed on lgbt+ topics. I follow a few lgbt+ sites on Facebook, read up on anti-lgbt+ legislation that gets mentioned in media, try to use the correct pronouns for trans people and generally try not to behave like an entitled ass. For example, I was more well-informed on gay history, and much more accepting of trans people than my lesbian co-worker. But there's SO much more out there that I just DID NOT KNOW. Why? Because I'm not the first person to go through this, so obviously there are words to describe these things. And I want the words. Words help shape and define thoughts, and right now my thoughts feel like mush. I need more clarity than this. 

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I met with Foodie at a BDSM party tonight. We played and cuddled, which was nice, but the most important thing we did was TALK. I felt like they saw right through me. Saw through my dissembling, my evations, saw the things I didn't want to admit to. They are non-binary and have thus been through this exact process not long ago. (And they've also been on TikTok and other queer social media spaces for years.) So they have those words that I was missing. For example: Gender crisis. That is: A sudden / abrupt /unexpected questioning of one's gender. I'm having a gender crisis. 

Yesterday, I went to a store that sell men's clothing, and I tried on parts of a suit. And whilst I couldn't make it fit properly, I still LOVED how I looked in a man's shirt from the mid chest up. I felt powerful, I felt beautiful, I felt sexy.. Sexier than I've felt in women's clothing in a long, long, long time. I looked myself in the mirror, at it looked RIGHT. I looked in a way I WANTED to look. And that's gender euphoria, Foodie told me. 

My immediate reaction was to completely dismiss this. Gender euphoria (the opposite of dysphoria) is something trans people experience, not cis p.... oh.. right. Damn. I'm not cis. And therefore, by definition, I am trans... And THAT idea is going to take me a long fucking while to get comfortable with. "Genderqueer", "genderfluid", these are terms I've been batting around in my head for a couple of days.. I won't say they feel comfortable, but at least they don't feel completely foreign. "Non-binary" is a term I'm even less comfortable with. I don't really know why NB would be harder than genderqueer, but it is. "Trans", though.. That's.. Hard. 

Why? I think it's like with the term "bisexual". I feel like I don't "deserve" it. Because I can pass as cis, because I'm not interested in doing any sort of medical transition, because I'm not a transman.. Because I feel I have it really easy, compared to all those people out there who struggle with discrimination, crippling dysphoria, harassment and other issues. So basically, I don't feel I have a right to the term "trans", because someone else out there are worse off than I am... 

.... Yeah, that doesn't really make sense. Trans is the opposite of cis. If you don't feel like the gender you were assigned at birth, you're trans. Period.

.... It's still really difficult, though. I can't logic this. My emotions won't let me. 

Weird reaction

Went to a party today and played with Foodie again. They're sexy, wonderfully responsive and fun to play with. They required (asked for) more impact play today, but I struggled to find that sweet spot between pleasure and pain. I couldn't read them well enough. I suspect that's partly because I don't know them that well yet, and partly because there's other aspects than just the pain threshold in play. For example, they're distracted by people around us, they feel shy, they don't know me that well etc.

Anyhow, it was fun and I hope to play more with them sometime. We also cuddled a lot, which was wonderful. I'm still feeling touch starved, despite cuddling tons with Arthur not that long ago. 

They also managed to sort of trigger my submissive side much later in the evening, which COMPLETELY baffled me. That just doesn't happen! Might be a "remnant" from my weekend with Arthur, we didn't play nearly as much as I'd hoped for... So I'm still in a more "subby" headspace.. But still.. I'm pretty flabbergasted. Might be because I feel sort of safe with them, so unlike how I typically feel around cishet men.. I think their queerness helps... Not sure.

Anyhow, I have enough on my plate right now. However much I might long to find someone local to explore my submissive side with.. There's just too much else going on. I don't want to be in that headspace right now. So no. This weirdness just can't have priority right now. 

Thursday, October 14, 2021

Fuck it, guess I'm queer (aka "What am I? (part 3)")

Just after writing those two previous posts (read those first! Part 1 here and part 2 here), I took at look at what other posts in this blog I'd tagged with the label "queer". Because the label was already there, so I had to have used it here before.. 

Well, there was one post. From almost exactly 10 years ago (juli 2011). In that post I wrote about my issues with the word "queer" and why I felt it didn't fit me at all, even though I fit the technical definition of the term... And.. well.. Read what I wrote, and laugh: 
"You see, when I hear the word "queer", this is what I see in my mind:
A woman with very short hair, wearing men's clothing. Perhaps suspenders. Perhaps also a tie, or maybe a palestine-checkered scarf. One who's entire look screams "lesbian" and "political". One who gets all worked up if someone talks of men and woman as a dichotomy, despite this dichotomy being the foundation upon which our entire society and culture is built. (I'm not saying that's a good thing, nor am I saying it's bad to try to change it. I'm just saying that if you're going to get mad every single time, you will spend most of the day, every day, being mad.) I see someone with a long of anger and righteous indignation. One who's burns for a topic and wants to change the world. One who's read too many books written for (and about) so-called queer people (meaning homosexuals, mainly) and who knows too many theories. One who demands that you care about this as much as her, because it's important. One who keeps saying that the fight for equal rights is far from over.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I'm not saying that this woman is bad, or wrong. I think it's great that someone wants to stand on the barricades and fight the fight, so that most of us don't have to. She's like a suffragette, or like a woman burning her bra in the 70ies. She's an icon. She's fighting the good fight......... She just isn't me."

So yeah... By my own definition, I'm queer. I'm BLATANTLY, OBVIOUSLY queer. 

Damn, things have changed in 10 years. 

Haha. Fine! Queer it is then!

What am I? (part 2)

 If you haven't read part one yet, I suggest you go do that first.

Another thing I realised, while binge-watching blacksuitblonde TikTok videos, was that not only am I attracted to them.. I want to BE them. No, not be them as in take over their life. But be them as in look like them. I want that style, that confidence, that sex appeal, those clothes. 

I cut my hair super short in the summer of 2018. At the time, I blamed it on it being really, really hot, and I had a 6 months old kid who kept pulling my hair. Also, showering and drying my long hair took ages, and as a new mom I just didn't have that much time. So the short hair was practical. 

Since then, I've kept it short. And I've felt a strong need to justify it, both to myself and others. "Because I like it", just hasn't felt like enough. I felt like I was encroaching on "lesbian territory" with this look, and felt a need to explain that I wasn't a lesbian.. I told people that taking on traditionally masculine style elements, like a "man's haircut", was a way to portray myself as strong, competent and confident. That I wanted to take advantage of the cultural stereotypes we have concerning feminine and masculine, and use those stereotypes to my advantage. 

And that's all true! HOWEVER, I've realised it's not ALL of the truth. Because what do I mean by all this, really..? 


I stopped writing here and took a break. Not sure if I don't know what to say, or if I'm just terrified. 

I've realised one thing, though.. Once I'm done losing weight and have stabilized it for a while, I'd love to shop men's wear. Specifically, I'd like a dress shirt and a vest. I want to look smart, I want to look sexy. I want to look like a woman, but a more masculine, stronger woman. Does that mean I'll stop wearing dresses and such? No. I don't think so. But I'll have more options. 

And no, this isn't just about clothes.. Although clothes / style /appearance is a big and very obvious part of it. There's a lot more to unpack here, but I feel my mind shying away from it all. Clothes is a lot more concrete, easier to focus on. 

What am I, though..? Am I still cis? Or have my looooong standing interest in the lgbt+ world really just been a.. I don't know.. A cover? Like I'm not just trying to be a good ally, I'm.. I don't know.. Trying to be.. Me? I've been fascinated with lgbt+ since in my early teens, when I first started reading novels about gay and lesbian people. Was that all... A sign of something? 

What am I? Non-binary? Genderfluid? Queer? And if I'm not "just" a woman.. What will that mean to the people who love me or who find me sexy? Am I even ready to give up the label of "woman"? Will I ever be ready to do that? 

I don't know. Somehow, THIS realisation felt a lot heavier and more.. Difficult.. than the one in part 1 about sexual attraction. Who I want to fuck isn't as tricky to wrap my head around as who I AM. 

I'm 35 years old, and I no longer know what my gender identity is. Shit. I need to think about this. I.. Just don't know. 

Unexpectedly, there's also a part 3. Read on.

What am I? (part 1)

Back when I was in my late teens, I used to say that I was bisexual. I still had a strong preference for men, but I could get sexually (though never romantically) attracted to women. I had sex with a couple of women, and a handful of threesomes (two women, one man). Then in my early 20ies I gradually lost interest in women. I thought I might not have been bisexual at all, just curious about the "taboo" of fucking someone of my own gender. 

Since then, I've been joking that I wish I was bisexual because then I'd have "twice as many options" when it came to partners. That maybe people should pray for me to change my gender preferences... (Since some people apparently believes that you can pray the gay away, it should logically work the other way too...) But I've remained overwhelmingly attracted to men, and even a specific type of men (bearded, chubby, geeky). 

That first started changing about 5 or 6 years ago. I didn't understand it back then, but there was this (probably lesbian, if I'm judging by appearance alone) woman working in a nearby grocery store that I was super fascinated with... Aka attracted to. There was also Daisy, whom I've mentioned once or twice before, in the BDSM scene in Norway... I didn't realise at the time what those feelings were, but looking back it's pretty obvious... 

One evening at the BDSM club in Oslo, another person appeared that I felt super attracted to. Another woman. I ended up doing some (pretty casual) bondage on her, and that SHOULDN'T have mattered much to me.. I play with random, new people all the time.. But it did. I realised then that this was... Something. That I wasn't JUST straight anymore. But since I wasn't attracted to 99,9% of all women I saw, I pushed it down.. Refused to take in what those feelings of mine actually meant. 

Then there's been a couple of celebrities who've triggered those same feelings.. Namely Brie Larson and (to a slightly lesser degree) Ruby Rose. So I'd say things like "I'm theoretically bisexual, since there's a few women out there I'm attracted to, but mainly I'm into men so I call myself straight". 

Then came the nail in the coffin: This other day I installed TokTok, and I stumbled upon a user called blacksuitblonde. They're non-binary/genderfluid and use both "they" and "she" pronouns. And they are GORGEOUS. And yeah, esthetically too, obviously. But also gorgeous as in "I want to fuck them". And after watching like 15 of their videos and loving each and every one, I really realised.. I'm not straight!

No, I'm not attracted to all women.. But I sure as hell aren't attracted to all guys either. I have a very specific "type" when I look at men and masc people (like previously mentioned: bearded, chubby, geeky). I must allow myself to have a "type" when I look at women too... And what is that type, you ask? It's basically short hair and typically masculine clothing/style elements. It was particularly noticeable in Brie Larson's portrayal of Captain Marvel. 

  • With long hair: Just like any other woman, not attracted to her at all. 
  • With short hair: Boom! Super hot!
I don't know if my esthetic preferences also include "slim" or "fit", but so far all the women I've felt attracted to have been. I suspect "slim" isn't really a part of it. I think I could be attracted to people of any size. 

Also: The more I think about this, the more I remember being attracted to other short haired women too. Like a friend who's got a kid close to my eldest kid's age... Short hair, fit, sort of casually masculine but still obviously a woman.. Yeah, she's super hot.

I have no idea what this means in therms of my orientation, though.. Am I bisexual (again)? Am I pan? Am I simply queer, and fuck all the other lables..? I don't know.. 

Also, there's a "part 2" to this post, so keep reading.  

Monday, October 11, 2021

Gentle cock-sucking D/s

Although we really had the deck stacked against us this weekend, and a lot of stuff DIDN'T work out, I still had a really good time with Arthur. First of all, we did A LOT of cuddling. That bit was wonderful, it's something I've been craving and it was just wonderful to be touched by another human being. Someone I know and trust and want. We cuddled in bed, on the couch, in the shower, and he even held me when we were out and about. At times, he also made me feel really desired, and that's also something I've been missing a lot. For those reasons alone, the weekend was worth it. 

We played with some very, very light bondage. I "tricked" him into playing with me a bit, under the guise of teaching him a few basic rope techniques. He saw my reactions when my hands were tied, and got inspired to play with me a bit more. He didn't have the mental stamina to do more than the shortest bursts, but that was a lot better than nothing.

I also had him try spanking me, using both his hand and various implements. There was no real play there, just a very technical "show&tell", but it was important to have it done. I know he finds the idea of hitting someone really difficult and scary, so I'm very happy he was willing to try it out. I have no idea whether spanking will ever be a significant part of our dynamic, but at least he's tried it now. And it didn't harm either of us, so maybe he'll be less afraid next time. 

The three best sessions we had this weekend, were all on the couch and all involved me sucking his dick. Damn, I love sucking dick! It's practically a fetish of mine. The first time, he came in my mouth and I swallowed his entire load. That's something I haven't done since I was a teenager. I don't particularly like it, and I gaged once trying to get it down.. So in itself, that's not an amazing experince. But it was still awesome because: 

  1. The pure feeling of accomplishment. I hadn't done it in so long, I know I don't particularly enjoy it, and yet I was able to do it. That felt like a win. 
  2. He wanted me to. He had such a hard time expressing that desire a couple of months ago, so it was particularly important for me to do my best to please him. We'd talked about it beforehand and the idea really turned me on. Also: He almost never makes any sounds, but he did then.. So that orgasm must have been unusually good. That made me happy too. 
It was his third orgasm of the day, so both in terms of quantity and fluidity it could have been a lot worse. Still, even though it was fun to have done it, it's not something I want to do again on my own accord (if he gets me properly into "sub mode" and makes me... now that might still work). 

The second best session was pretty much the same as the previous one, except he came on my face. That's also something we've talked about beforehand, and he said he really wanted. I had to specifically ask for it, almost nag, and the angle wasn't great (he was sitting to low in comparison to me, so my face was above his crotch). Those two things subtracted a bit from the experience. But over all, it was awesome. The best part was his reaction to it all. This combination of desire, amazement and glee was wonderful to experience. I hope we can do that again (preferably seated /lying / standing in some other way) many times. 

The very best session obviously also involved sucking his dick on the couch. I was seated at his feet like in the previous two sessions I mentioned. This time, his orgasm wasn't the point. The point was communication, submission and just enjoying his dick tremendously. He enjoys pushing my head down so his dick gets further and further into my mouth and throat. When he wants to get rough, I use my hand as a "stopper" around the base, so the dick doesn't get too far in. I don't enjoy gagging. However, we both really enjoy playing with control. 

So if I remove my hands completely, his hand on the back of my head is the only thing that really controls how deep and for how long I've got his dick in my throat. That excites me. It takes so much trust, and an immense amount of control from him... But it works. He's gentle, he lets me work on relaxing my throat so I don't start clenching up, and he's really good at reading my signals for when I need to get up. It felt really amazing that our communication during that session was both super subtle and perfectly in tune. It felt as though he was reading my mind, and he claims it felt like I was reading his as well. 

We did something similar last time, though not with such perfect non-verbal communication.. However, this time he also added his other hand. I got one hand on the back of my head pushing me gently down... And I got his other hand gently grabbing my throat just under my chin. And O.M.G. that was nice. Not only does it make me really turned on all by itself, but it also made me relax more.. That hand on my throat told me, in no uncertain terms, that I wasn't the one in charge. And for perhaps the first time in well over 15 years, I managed to relax into that feeling and just... be. Just float. THAT was glorious. Thanks to that hand, I was also able to relax my throat even more, getting him a few more millimeters in than I did without his hand there. And I want to do it again. I want more!

Also, he called me a good girl.. I hadn't expected it to work, but it really did. I want more of that as well. I want to please him. I want to make him proud. I want to be good, for him.

Having the deck stacked against us

I've just had another weekend at a hotel with Arthur. And to my surprise, I don't really have a ton of stuff to write or angst about. Probably because we didn't really push my limits much at all. There's definitely difficult stuff that happened, and it's good for me to write about these things. But if I hadn't, I think I would have been able to shake it off anyway. At least in a few days. I'll write about the shitty stuff here, and then the positive / sexy stuff in the next post.

To start: We had almost the worst possible circumstances. He is struggling with a pretty serious depression, and is experiencing a lot of mental fatigue among other things. He's also got something we suspect might be a UTI (or a kidney stone?). I've managed to contract pneumonia on top of a bad cold, and my period began well over a week early. So in terms of physical and mental well-being, we were already in the negative before we even met up. 

We'd talked a lot in the months leading up to this, detailing things we'd like to experience with each other, talking about things that turned us on, and generally laying plans.. However, because of his mental fatigue, Arthur had forgotten practically everything we'd talked about. He remembered when I brought it up specifically, but I didn't do that until Sunday evening. So I spent most of the weekend waiting for him to initiate play he didn't remember that we'd even discussed... Logically, that resulted in miscommunication and hurt feelings all around. I felt rejected and ignored on and off up until then.

Late Sunday we finally tried playing with my ass, for example. And although I REALLY enjoyed two fingers into me, and probably could have orgasmed from that if we'd kept it up (and added a vibrator to my clit).. Adding a third finger didn't work at all. I got micro-tearing that felt like papercuts, and we just had to stop. If we'd worked on my ass all weekend, maybe using a butt plug over time or simply gentle repeated sessions, MAYBE we could have gotten further... But with that little time, and all the mental stress and anguish, my body just didn't want to cooperate.

And speaking of my body working against us: The dilation I'd been working on simply hadn't been sufficient. I couldn't get his dick in without pain. I can get my small vibrator (Stubby) in just fine, but his dick is really big. So I just couldn't. 

I tried to handle this myself (since he clearly wasn't really interested in me, or so I thought), but got really stressed out. That made me less horny and more tense, resulting in (you guessed it) an even harder time getting him into me. I asked for his help, because I suspected that his fingers could do what my vibrators couldn't.. But he didn't respond to that request at all, and I felt really, really rejected. During our talk Sunday night, he claimed that it simply hadn't registered with him (even though he remembered me saying it), due to his mental fatigue.

So late Sunday night, I finally got the help I wanted. And it DID help, a bit, enough that I managed to get his (definitely not rock hard or fully erect) dick into me. So a lot better than nothing, certainly, but a far cry from what I really wanted or needed. 

I feel like my pussy is.. Defective somehow. It's not working the way it's supposed to, and that worries me a lot.. It might be another 6 months before I have sex again... What will happen to my pussy in the meantime? How much of this is physiological (due to lichen sclerosus) and how much is psychological (due to feeling rejected, worrying etc)? I don't know. 

Blatant hints

I've always been very sensitive to rejections. Especially rejections of a social or sexual nature. This is probably due to the bullying I received as a child, being treated as a social pariah. In a sexual/kink context, this means that I can be VERY frank and explicit in my flirting, but I'm often unable to take that last step and actually invite someone to play or ask someone if they want to do anything more than flirt. (At least if it's something I really want. If I don't really care about it, have very little invested in it, I don't have the same issue at all.)

At a BDSM party that mean that I'll seek out the guys who seem interested in being submissive. I'll chat, I'll flirt, I'll show off my ropes or my equipment, I'll talk about my experience and about how much I enjoy playing with new/random guys... I'll put rope on the table and loudly call it "bait".. But actually asking them "can I tie you up?" or "would you like to play?"... That's almost impossible for me. In stead, I make my wishes blatantly obvious and wait for the guys to take that last vital step. Why? Because if I don't ask, I can't be rejected.

Usually, this works well enough. It often takes a bit longer than I would like, but eventually SOME guy will get brave enough to actually ask. Usually... Sometimes, however, they never get brave enough.. Or maybe they just don't get the hint.. Or maybe they genuinely don't want to play with me. Like at the BDSM-party this other weekend.. At some point, I'm having that "I want to play with someone" talk with THREE submissive, apparently single, apparently pretty new and desperate guys... And yet NO ONE actually volunteers. 

And when they don't, I'm stumped. Because they might just genuinely not want me, and that's perfectly ok. I just don't know if they've made that conscious decision, or if they're simply completely unable to get my blatant hints... So I don't know if I, by asking, will be rectifying the situation.. Or set myself up for an almost certain rejection. 

The result at the party, was that I gave up on them and found someone else (Foodie, mentioned in my previous post). I'd tried hinting to Foodie earlier in the evening, but didn't really get to be as clear as I usually am (they were involved in a different conversation most of the time). For some reason, asking Foodie to play when I went back that second time wasn't as scary as asking those three guys... Not sure why.. Maybe because the evening was drawing to a close, and I felt more desperate..? Or maybe because I hadn't BEEN as clear with them as with those three guys, so they hadn't yet had the opportunity to thoroughly ignore my hints.. I don't know.

I've tried giving blatant hints to Arthur as well, and even telling him pretty outright what I want. Yet when he's too tired or otherwise mentally "off", what I say doesn't really register at all. It's like he's in a mental fog of some sort.. But I don't think these other guys can blame any similar affliction (though of course, I can't know that for sure). 

In conclusion: I suck at asking directly for what I want, when there's a chance I can be rejected... But damn, guys REALLY suck at taking hints too.

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Timing and aftercare

I went to a bdsm party at a private apartment tonight. I only knew a couple of people, none of them submissive, but I still went with the intent to play. I searched the whole night for a likely subject, but it wasn't until 10.30pm someone took the bait. I knew I had to leave at midnight, and to get negotiations, play and aftercare done in 1,5 hours would be tight.. But I decided to risk it. That turned out to be the right call, but as expected there were some consequences too.

Tonight's subject was cute, geeky, awkward, fairly inexperienced, bearded, chubby, mentally somewhat unstable... In short, they were just my type (for good and bad). Whilst they were fairly male-presenting, they told me they were non-binary and uncomfortable with strongly gendered phrases like "good boy" used during play. So whilst I don't know their pronouns for sure, I'm defaulting to they/them just to be on the safe side. I'm naming them Foodie.

We played in the corner of a room while someone else played in the same room. That was distracting for both of us, but we managed. They didn't have much experience and seemed super nervous, so I wasn't sure how well we'd communicate during play.. But that was absolutely no problem at all. They grew almost completely non-verbal, but through body langue and signs, communications still flowed really well. 

I managed to discover some of their major kinks, and they ended up in a little, shivering ball on the floor in the end. They also went into "sub mode" very quickly, but I didn't dare letting them get really deep. I kept stopping us both, taking short breaks, so they wouldn't go down too far. I think they'd prefer fewer interruptions so they could go deeper into sub mode, but I felt responsible for their safety and didn't dare let them slip too far away from me. I know they have trust issues, but trusting me didn't seem to be much of a problem for them. At least not for the things we did tonight.

I stopped our session with still almost 30 minutes to go. I gave them 10 minutes to get somewhat coherent and out if sub space, and then another 10 minutes of careful chatting, petting and untying rope. By then, there was less than 10 minutes left. Just enough to exchange a few hugs and make them promise to message me when they get home. This means we got approximately 20 minutes of talk/negotiation, 40 minutes play and 30 minutes aftercare.. 

But that just ISN'T enough aftercare. I HATE having to leave someone like that. Not just for them, but for me. I want to talk through the session with them, while it's still super fresh. I want to help them land. I want to make sure they're ok. Not being able to take care of the other person... Even though they're probably fine and have no problem handling this... I hate it.

Still, even with that ending it was worth it. I had fun. I think they had fun. I'd love to play with them again at some other party. 

Monday, September 27, 2021


In under two weeks, Arthur and I will have another hotel weekend. I'm very much looking forward to it.

To make sure I'm as prepared as possible, I've started dilation practice. 

Why? Lichen Sclerosus makes my skin less stretchy and more prone to soreness and tearing. That hurts for days, and I want to try and avoid that when Arthur and I are together. I haven't been penetrated by anyone else but him in 2021. And since I bought the Doxy Die Cast wand, I haven't used anything internal for masturbation either. This means my vaginal opening has been left mostly alone for long periods of time.

There is something to the expression "use it or loose it". Not that my vaginal opening actually closes (though for some severe cases of lichen sclerosus, that can happen), but I know I open up more, and quicker, if I recive vaginal penetration regularly. I also get more pleasure from it, and (/because) I'm less worried about tearing. So what does this mean: It means I'm trying to fuck myself with a dildo or vibrator at least once per day. And preferably orgasm. 

Yesterday and today, I struggled with getting the last two centimeters of my FunFactory vibrator Stubby inside of me. And it's just 13,5cm circumference, which is A LOT smaller than Arthur's dick. That used to be super easy, so I've obviously got some way to go. By the time he gets here, I'm HOPING to be able to get Big Boss into me, with some lube and time (15,5cm circumference, a bit more at an angle). Not sure I'll manage, though.. It's a bit big for me at the best of times (unless I get a couple of hours of forplay and orgasms first). We'll see how far I get. 

So yeah, that's my plan: To practice widening my pussy, in preparation for Arthur's cock. That's what I mean by dilation practice. 

Monday, September 13, 2021


As a follow-up to the previous post, I've made a profile at Tellonym. So now anyone can contact me anonymously. Feel free to send me a Tell through

To view my replies, you need to download the Tellonym app. You're completely anonymous, I can't see who you are at all (unless you choose to tell me). 

I've also updated the previous post, to reflect this option. 

Tuesday, September 7, 2021

Who are you?

I've given the link to this blog tob quite a few people over the years. However, I've no idea who still reads it. So this is a question for you, dear reader.. Whether you read this today or a year from now.. Who are you? 

Please leave me a comment to let me know if you are still reading this. If you want anonymity, please send me a Tell using Tellonym:

It could be as simple as "I'm reading" and signed by some sort of nick name or pseudonym or name.. Or you could tell me more about yourself, if you want. 

I am an exhibitionist, after all... I'd love to know who's watching. 

Monday, September 6, 2021

I'll show you mine..

As a woman on the internet, I've seen a lot of dicks over the years. I've received unsolicited dick pics, both on Facebook, Fetlife and Snapchat, and I've seen countless Fetlife profiles where a dick pic is their only profile picture. I don't like this. 

And don't get me wrong: I love dick! And of course, occasionally there's a really beautiful picture that really fascinates me... The composition, the use of light and shadow, an unexpected viewpoint or something else beautiful and original. The vast majority, however.. They aren't like that. And even the artful ones aren't pictures that I'd want to have unexpectedly pop up on my phone. Also: Your average gif or video of a guy jerking off is NOT any better, let me tell you. Moving pictures isn't an improvement, when the motif is undesired to begin with. 

So I'm phenomenally bored, and occasionally disgusted, by dick pics. However, as it turns out, the clue here is "undesired". I haven't desired these pictures, haven't wanted these dicks, haven't been even remotely interested to the people attatched to them.

I've received the occasional dick pic from partners and subs before, usually because I've asked for them. And those I've liked. They've even turned me on, occasionally, because of some subject of conversation related to said genitals. However, I can't remember being turned on by a dick in motion before..

Until my videocall with Arthur the other day. It was late, and we were discussing things that turned us on. I knew, from his breathing and motions, that he was touching himself. In the end, he asked if I wanted to see... And I did. I wasn't sure at first how I'd react, but I liked it. More than I thought I would. And perhaps more importantly: I've kept thinking about it since.

Partially, I think I feel flattered. He seemed to be turned on by ME, by things we talked about, things we want to do to one another. To hear and see such a concrete proof is flattering. I also feel flattered and pleased by the trust he shows me. I know it was difficult for him. 

But it's more than that. It's not just a psychological impact. It's HIM. His dick, his hands, his breathing, his voice. That same video, made by anyone else, would be completely uninteresting. But I know it was him. That makes all the difference. He turns me on. His dick pics, his dick on video, is desired. It's welcome. 

He asked to see mine as well (my pussy, obviously. I don't have a dick.), since he'd shown me his. It was sort of awkward with the angle and the light, but I think he got some idea at least...

On one hand, I love the idea of showing myself to him. Being seen, being desired. On the other hand I worry SO MUCH that what I'm doing isn't good enough, somehow. That he would be bored or displeased. 

That uncertainty is such a big hindrance, because it blocks my exhibitionism in practice. So while I'm horney as hell when I think about it or talk about it (or write about it..), I became a fearful, uncertain bundle of nerves when I'm actually in a position to DO the things I'm fantasizing about. I hope to get past some of that uncertainty, at least when it comes to Arthur. I wonder if it would be easier if it was done TO me, rather than me being given some agency and choice in the matter... I don't know. 

In any case, I think all this is a matter of experience, repetition and trust. A whole lot of trust. 

Wednesday, September 1, 2021

I want what I don't want

Arthur finds it difficult to tell me what he enjoys. Because telling me is ALMOST asking for it. And once you ask, you can be rejected. However he's getting better, slowly. And I try to keep an open mind.

Last night, he told me two things he hopes to do with me. He wants to cum on my face, and he wants to cum in my mouth.

That first one is easy. I realized that I really like that part when I was playing with Giant. And adding the D/s dynamic that Arthur and I have, will only make it more hot. I want to kneel at his feet, raise my face towards him, close my eyes, and feel those warm spurts hit my face... Preferably in the shower, so clean up is easy.

And I want to lie on my back in the bed, and have him sitting on my chest. My arms trapped downwards, so I can't stop him or control the debth. I want him to (carefully and with great control) fuck my face. Then pull out right before cuming, and jerk off all over my face. To have so little control scares me, and turns me on. Just the thought made us both really turned on last night, and it's making me wet as I write now.

His second wish i harder for me. A lot harder. I really dislike drinking/swallowing unpleasant textures or tastes. Medication that has to be drunk is almost impossible for me. I really dislike cumshots in porn because of this, and I switch channels if someone on tv has to drink/eat something glose at a dare. It's practically a phobia.

However, I HAVE swallowed before. I did it quite a lot in my first two relationships, when I was 15-16 years old. It was a point of pride, something I wanted to be able to do. I never really enjoyed the act itself, but I didn't actively hate it either.

In itself, having someone cum in my mouth does not turn me on. If anything, the mere thought likely to turn me off. However (and here's where BDSM makes it weird), having Arthur cum in my mouth because HE WANTS TO.. That turns me on something firece. And the fact that it's something I don't really like, is actually making it MORE of a turn-on. In an ideal world, he wouldn't even ask, he would just do it. Use me, take me, because it gives him pleasure. And that's such a twisted, illogical thing. I don't want this, I don't like this.. And BECAUSE I don't, having him do it to be turns me on. 

The idea of pleasing him turns me on as well. I'd probably want to try this even without the D/s dynamic. But the D/s dynamic adds another layer of "double-think" which is fascinating to observe. I don't only want to please him, like I would any lover.. It's my underlying "not-wanting" that makes me want it more.

It's just like with bondage, sort of.. Just stronger. I love bondage, it turns me on. But it also scares me SO much. And the fact that it scares me, makes it such an effective tool for dominance. I want to take all that fear and show it to him, like an offering. As a proof of how much I trust him, how much I want him. I want to not only please him, I want make him proud of me. By overcoming an obstacle FOR him, I hope to make him proud.

Of course it's for me as well. I want this. It turns me on. I'm soaking wet right now, just from writing about it. I expect this to be a bit tricky for him to do in real life, because his most basic need (sexually) is to please his partner. So he'll probably worry that the "don't want" will override the "want".. Which it might, I can't give any guarantees.. But I hope he'll trust that I'll stop him, if there's something I REALLY don't want. Consent and trust is the basis of everything, after all. 

In summary: I want what I don't want, because he wants it.... But the reason HE wants it in the first place, is at least partially because he knows I want (or don't want, and therefore want) it......

It's a convoluted series of feedback loops, but I think it'll work itself out. And I think we'll have an awesome time with each other, regardless of how much or how little D/s play we end up doing. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. 

10 things I love about you

Except from a few messages back and forth, I've not spoken with Arthur since I visited this summer. He's coming here in early October for another hotel weekend with me, and I'm REALLY looking forward to it.

Last night we had a video call. He prefers those to messages or regular phone calls, because he likes being able to see my facial expressions. We talked about all kinds of things, from mundane everyday stuff to much heavier mentally challenging topics. 

For example, we talked about our uncertainties in this relationship. I feel confident that he wants what I have to offer, but I worry a lot that he doesn't really care about ME. That I just serve a function. He, on the other hand, claims he doesn't have much value or worth at all. So he can't even belive that I want what he's giving me. He stryggles a lot with accepting that I do want to spend time with him, that I appreciate all that he is.

So I made a list of 10 things I love about him, 10 reasons why I'm attracted to him.

1. He's intelligent, knowledgeable. We can talk about practically everything. I love his mind. 
2. He's kind, compassinate, helpful. I trust that he would never intend to do me harm. 

At this point he was freaking out, so I had to introduce some easier topics.. 

3. His dick. I love having it in my mouth, love tasting and smelling it, love being fucked with it. He's JUST a bit too big for me, which is actually a great fit (as long as we take things slow).
4. He's really handsome. Sexy. I love looking at his body, touching it. I love how much taller he is than me.

The order might not be exactly right, but I think I remember most of the points I mentioned.. And anyway, all of these are true too. 

5. Because he "gets" me. He can read my body language, he accepts all my quirks, we communicate really well. We have intense, lovely, honest conversations. 
6. He's a geek. We have many of the same references, interests, we know what it's like to be outside the norm. 
7. His hands. He's really good with his hands. Good in bed, in general, but really good with his hands. 
8. Because he's available, however brutal that sounds. He wants to spend time with me, wants to travel to see me. 
9. He's curious, and willing and able to learn. He's good in bed already, but there's also a lot he doesn't know. He's able to take instructions, eager to please me, wanting to learn more. 

And maybe the most important, and the only one he can't really "disproove" in any way:
10. Because I love him. It's not logical. It just is.

He freaks out a bit over that. He feels it's unfair, because he doesn't love me back. He feels I deserve more, somehow. He's also unsure how to handle it, because our society has taught us that love MUST be reciprocated, that love DEMANDS moving up the relationship escalator... And I don't expect any of those things.

I've blogged about it before as well. I fall in love easily. I've been in love with Arthur for many years, on and off. And each time we met it made my feelings stronger and more long lasting, until it went from "in love" to "love". I just didn't dare to tell him before, because I didn't think he could handle it. (He almost couldn't handle it now, so I guess THAT worry was well founded..) 

I don't often quote the Bible, but 1 Corinthian fits well here: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,"

I love without expectations, without demands, without trying to claim or own the one I love. It would have been nice, of course, REALLY nice, if he loved me back. I will admit as much. And yes, I hope he will love me back one day. And yeah, there is an unevenness there, he's right about that... But it doesn't bother me much. He cares about me, he wants to spend time with me, and that's enough. I'll take what I can get from him. 

Also, I want to continue exactly as we are. I don't want anything more serious or involved, my daily life is way too full for that. This relationship escalator isn't moving, and that fits me just perfectly.

Sunday, July 18, 2021

A wizard with a wand

I recently bought a wand-style vibrator, that plugs into an electric socket in stead of running on batteries. It's called Doxy Die Cast. I have a few different attatchments to it as well, but the wand itself is plenty fun on its own. I've learned how to get some really quick, nice orgasms with it. Perfect if I just need to relax a bit on my own. I've not tried it much with anyone else... Until today.

Today I spent the entire day with Arthur, my comet/lover. I've not seen him since this winter, so I was really looking forward to seeing him again. We played and fondled and fucked on his regrettably narrow bed, eventually putting the mattress on the floor. We made it work.

We keep exploring various D/s elements, without ever having a poper session. I struggle a lot with remaining passiv and staying in the moment, not over-analyzing or taking control. I feel guilty when I'm on the receiving end, like I'm not performing well enough to please him. I'm getting better (as he's getting better at directing my state of mind), but it's still really hard for me to relax.

Among other things, we used the wand together today. The first time I just gave myself an orgasm while he held me, which in itself is really intimate and nice. The second time, he held the wand. I directed him to the best angle, position and amount of pressure, but he held it. 

And somehow, that made a huge difference. First I struggled to relax enough to be able to come, but then suddenly my body just came without me having any conscious control over it. A full-body, loud orgasm. For a few seconds there I truly had no control over myself, my mind was just brought along for the ride. A super intense experience, which I hope we'll be able to replicate someday.

We also fucked twice today, and the last time was really intense. He was on top, holding me down and using his dick as a tool to tease me and control me. It left me gasping and grinning like crazy. The best thing, for me, was when he held me down by my throat while fucking me. So hot!

He's growing increasingly confident in applying force and even some pain. Today he bit and licked my neck for example (giving me a hicky, haha), and he's really manhandled my nipples. Next time maybe we'll try some nipples clamps. I've never enjoyed such things with anyone else, but wouldn't be surprised if he managed to "convert" me. He really has a thing for boobs.

I don't know when I'll see him again. We're taking about doing another hotel weekend in October, but I don't know yet if that will work out. What I do know is that I really love the time I spend with Arthur, and I'm looking forward to next time. 

Saturday, June 12, 2021


 The problem with comets, and also the good thing about comets, is that they go away for a while before they come blazing back. When they've just left, you keep thinking about them and all the recent experiences you've had together. It feels hot and fiery and intense. 

After a while, once they grow more distant, you don't think about them quite so frequently or with quite such passion. You send the occasional message, but when the respons time is long that isn't enough to fan the flames either. And so the comet grows fainter and fainter... But it still only takes a single "ping" to remind you of all the excitement and fun you've had.

At some point the comet's orbit has reached it's apocenter, and will start it's journey back towards you. (Apocenter is the point on its trajectory where an unspecified object, like a comet, is the furthest from the body it's circulating. Apogee is used to describe this when something is circling the Earth, aphelion is used when describing something orbiting the Sun. And yes, I had to look it up. Knew there was a term for it. Pericenter is the opposite of apocenter, by the way.)

Anyhow, yes, the comet will be coming back around again. That doesn't mean he's close by, no he's still extremely far away.. But for every interaction you can tell that the comet is approaching. And that.. THAT is something to look forward to. 


Complaining, arguing and threatening with legal actions made our landlord willing to negotiate. Luckily. So we aren't moving this summer after all. We've got the apartment for another year, with the option to leave sooner if we want to. I'm sooo relived, you have no idea! 

Saturday, June 5, 2021

Unwelcome news

Our landlord has decided to sell this property, so we're being forced to move. Again. It'll be our 4th move in just over 3,5 years and it really, really sucks. We'll probably need to be out by late August. I was so hoping for some stability now, both for Saint and I and for our kids.. But no. That just wasn't to be. 

I'm just devastated, but I'm trying to keep it together. I know I'll need to plan most of the move, find us a new place to live, coordinate movers (if we can afford them) and/or friends and family to help us out, coordinate with the old and the new land lord and.. everything. Saint is great at the practical stuff, and he's a good organizer, but I'm a better coordinator. 

The kids don't know yet. They're so young, they can barely comprehend "in a few days", the idea of having to move out of here in 2,5 months wouldn't make any sense to them. We'll tell them eventually, of course, but no reason to upset and worry them yet. I've got my fingers crossed that we'll be able to find a new place soon as well, so we know where we'll be headed come august. This sort of uncertainty is really bad for my mental health, and I know it worries Saint as well. 

In other news, I got sterilized two days ago. It's quite an invasive procedure in women, so I'm still feeling pretty beat up.. But hopefully I'll get better soon. At least this way, we won't have any unplanned pregnancies on top of everything. 

Monday, April 26, 2021

Not a vending machine

I'm not a domination vending machine. And yet that's what I often feel like. 

I love, love, love playing with someone, tying them up, teasing them, hurting them, caressing them.. All that is great fun, it turns me on, it's very enjoyable. But that can't be all there is. I can't be the one giving all the time, it makes me feel like I'm disposable. As though the activity is all that matters, the person giving them is not. 

I've had countless play sessions that have felt like that. The first few sessions with a new person often do. So I'm more or less playing by rote. We don't know each other well enough yet to do it any other way.

But I also need to feel desired. I want the submissive to see ME, to want ME, to yearn to touch me, to want to please me. Not just because they get a kick out of eating pussy or giving foot rubs or whatever. Not for their pleasure. For ME. Just like I yearn for them, desire them, want to please them. In the long run, the dynamic feels too uneven otherwise. 

I think that sex and sexual BDSM play can only really work out, in the long run, if both parties involve really want to please the other person. If one party is too focused on their own enjoyment, it feels lopsided. And if one person TRIES to focus on the other, but doesn't really want to, that's something I think the other party would notice immediately. I don't want my pleasure to feel like a chore to you. I don't want you to have to MAKE yourself touch me. That's just hurtful. I want you to want me.

I think that's why D/s play with T never really worked out for me. Because I could tell that his heart wasn't in it. He was performing a role, because he thought that was what I wanted, not because he wanted it himself. So it felt fake to me.

I don't really know how to turn a dynamic around, though. How do I make someone want me (in practice, not just in theory), if they don't already do? How do I go from being seen as a domination-providing vending machine, to a person they want to please and touch and satisfy?

It SHOULD be easy. As the dominant party, I COULD just tell them what I want. Demand it. But it doesn't work like that. Because I can't make myself order someone to touch me or please me, if I don't think they want to. That feels like rejection to me. If it was a complete stranger, maybe, I could use them for my own satisfaction, like any sex toy in my drawer. But I want to feel loved, I want to feel wanted. It's not about orgasms, it's about the emotional bond.

And that's just the thing: I can't give an order, if I don't think I'd get an enthusiastic consent to that order. If they have to MAKE themselves perform, if they don't really want it, then I don't want them to do it. 

Sitting here, I really want to send Saint a message and tell him to go to the bathroom where he works and masturbate (but not come!). Just the thought of giving such an order makes me all tingly and happy inside. But from his mood this morning, I know he has a bad day. I assume he didn't sleep well last night. And I know he's struggling with anxiety and other mental issues right now. So I'm not confident that my order would be well received. I know he'd try to do as I tell him, but I don't know if he would enjoy himself. And the whole point is that he should enjoy himself. So since I'm not sure the order will be received enthusiastically, I can't give it.

(Humiliation is of course a completely different ball game. I have absolutely no issues with ordering someone to do something disgusting or humiliating, knowing that they really don't want to do it. The sub is forced to do it, and the thought that I have such power over another person turns me on. But I don't want pleasing me, touching me, desiring me, to be humiliating! I don't want my pleasure to be a tool for humiliation! Quite the opposite, I want my pleasure to be seen as infinitely desirable, touching me should be something they'd be eager to do. So yeah, there's a big difference in my mind between "regular" sexual interaction and humiliation.)

So how do I make someone want to worship me, yearn for me? How do I move the subs desires away from his own pleasures and over to mine? Maybe long term chastity is the only way?

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Like coming home

Something's happened with Saint lately, and it's awesome. 

Our last baby was born in the fall of 2019. For the first few months afterwards, I grew completely asexual. I think it was hormonal, all my attention was on the baby. I expected this to happen, and since I was recovering from a c-section (and later: pneumonia) anyway, it didn't really matter. 

When my sexuality startet to get "back online" so to speak in the spring of 2020, I discovered that Saint's was still completely disconnected. He would almost never reach out to me or touch me by his own initiative, not even in a friendly non-sexual way. I had to initiate everything, beg for any sort of physical contact. Even a fully clothed hug. That was difficult, and it hurt. He didn't much like it either, from an intellectual standpoint, but seemed unable to change it. He tried, but it never really worked. When I did get my hands on him, he resented any sort of sexual advance, to the point where I gave up trying. 

This disconnected state lasted a long time. It was difficult for both of us, but maybe especially for me. Because my primary love language is physical touch (with words of affirmation as a very close second). I need it, crave it, just like I need air or food. For it to be withheld felt like starvation. 

Then something happened with him, just last week. I don't know what exactly, and he's refused to analyse it. But it seemed as though he came out of a year long hibernation. Slowly, he's getting back online, one sexual system at a time. First came a slight preference for latex (which is usually a huge fetish for him). Right on it's heels came an interest in domination, control, light humiliation. Then nipple torture, light bondage, and orgasm control. And more is coming back every day. All the things he used to enjoy, slowly but surely. 

Last night, just before going to sleep, we cuddled and I played with his nipples a bit. He touched me, held me, wanted me. It was such a small thing, really. A few moments at the end of a long and exhausting day. But so important to me! I cuddled his body close to me, breathed in the scent of him, and was happy. It felt like we'd been away from each other for so, so long. It felt like coming home. 

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Shake it off

I keep thinking about him. Things we did, things we haven't done but could have, things we'll do next time... I think about stuff that isn't sex/BDSM-related too; How I fit so nicely into his arms, being held and feeling safe. His smile, his voice when we're talking about something completely mundane... But to be frank, my thoughts are mostly about sexual/sensual stuff. Touching his skin, hugging him, his scent, kneeling in front of him and burrying my face in his crotch.. The immemse trust we built over so few days. He made me do thing, love things, I didn't think I'd ever dare.

I send him messages occasionally. Not many, I don't want to be too pushy. Just one every couple of days or so. The replies I get, if I get any, are extremely brief. No emotions, just facts. Honestly, I'm glad I even get that much. That's actually an improvement to how he used to be. 

I knew this would happen, though. He always grows extremely distant after our encounters. I think it's a sort of defense mechanism. Our intensity scares him, I think, because I make him feel things. He doesn't handle feelings very well. Regardless of the cause, I'm abandoned again. Left to think about him, and to work through things, on my own. It's always like this, it doesn't surprise me anymore.

I keep thinking about him, though. I imagine scenarios we could try, or I see flashes of things we did. The memories wash over me several times per day, usually uninvited, and I feel this ache for him. Both figuratively in my chest and more literally between my legs. I need to shake it off, though. It'll be months until I see him again. 

That's the nature of our relationship, the nature of a comet. Intense, hot, amazing when he's with me, but gone for long stretches of time. I know it's for the best. I know that's why we've been able to keep this relationship going for so many years. But I still miss him. Irrationally, achingly. And I need to shake it off. 

Monday, February 22, 2021

A few more things

In the interest of completion, I need to add to the previous post:

-I shaved his cock and balls. He's never tried that before. That was interesting. I enjoy smooth skin down there, but it's a "nice to have" not a "must have".

-I licked his ass (rimming), since he'd never tried that either. None of us found that terribly interesting, but at least now we know.

-In the last hour before leaving, we played a tiny bit with rope. I taught him a quick "handcuff-knot", and he greatly enjoyed my reaction when he used it on me. It triggered my sub side a bit, more than either of us really expected. We'll definitely play more with that next time. 

Sunday, February 21, 2021

Oh gods, what a weekend

Oh gods, where do I even start. The weekend with Arthur is slowly drawing to a close, and I feel the need to write things down in fear of forgetting all the details. Already, all the different ways we've played and fucked merge into each other in my mind. No longer crisp and clear, just a potpourri of bodies and mouths and dick and pussy. 

He's come inside of me while I was riding him, and he's come in me while I was on my back. Bodies grappling, hot breathing, moving in sync. So intense and sweet, not really knowing where I end and he begin. 

He's come on my face, and my throat, and my boobs. I still have old semen on my neck and chest, I can smell him all over me. I don't know how many condoms we've been through, but I'm glad I bought a new pack earlier this week. The lube bottle is almost empty. 

I've come lying in his arms, cuddled and held down. I've come hard while he was straddling my chest and gripping my throat, just a second before he came too. I've come while he was sitting between my legs, helping me with a huge vibrator, and I screamed and laughed so hard I'm sure the entire hotel floor could hear us. 

He's fingered my mouth, and my pussy, and my ass. I really didn't think I'd like that last one as much as I did, but I was wrong. His fingers hit some spots that felt really, really nice. We weren't able to get his dick in there, but hopefully we can play more with that next time we see each other. He's been making me so horny, I was shaking and almost crying. I've been frustrated and unable to come, then come after all. I've laughed and I've cried. 

And I've sucked his dick. Oh gods, how I've sucked his dick. I've worshiped it. I've cuddled it. I've licked, and teased, and sucked. He's been relaxed and almost asleep. He's been actively fucking my face. He's held me down, lifted me up, forced and grabbed. He's been huge and rock hard, and he's been soft and squishy. I've played with the very tip, and I've gagged on his entire length. He's been standing, sitting, and lying down. The best was when he was sitting in a high back chair, and I was sitting on the floor in front of him. I could lean my head on his thigh, and he could see me smiling. Enjoying myself, enjoying him. I've buried my face in his crotch, to the point where I couldn't breathe, and didn't want to. I've practiced, and managed, to get all of him down my throat. I've wanted to practice more. 

It hasn't all been a dance on roses. He's been tired, struggling to stay present and not push me away like he often does after he's come. He's needed to sleep a lot, trying to get back on his feet after four very tough weeks at work. He's been very close to an anxiety attack, mostly caused by me pushing some buttons and saying nice things to him. (I'm not sure that was such a good idea, but I don't regret it either. It needed to be said.) He's been distant, and I've felt rejected. 

I had a pretty bad drop yesterday because of one such incident, though when I recognized it for what it was, I was able to shake it off pretty quickly. I think seeing me so filled with such anxiety and negative emotions, actually scared him more than me. He hasn't seen me drop before, that typically happens after I leave.

There's a few things we talked about beforehand, that we haven't done. Generally we've played "nicer" than I think we both had planned. There's definitely elements of BDSM in almost everything we do, but it's been more a Top/bottom-dynamic and not so much D/s. That's mostly caused by his mood and mental state. Taking a Dom role is really tiring, mentally demanding. I know this from my own experience. I'm unable to properly dominate when I feel drained myself. D/s is a game for days with extra spoons. Not when there's already a shortage. 

There's still a few hours left before he leaves. I've pleasantly sore in my pussy, my ass, the back of my throat and the inside of my lips. I hope to do even more before it's over, but if nothing more happens that's also fine. In addition to all the sexual stuff, we've also enjoyed ourselves in other ways. We've been out to eat twice, dressing up and making sort of a "date" out of it. We've read books, cuddled, played Pokemon Go, and talked. We've shared memories, talked about feelings and discussed current events. 

I've had a wonderful time with Arthur this weekend. An intense, tiering, physically and emotionally challenging time. I'll be really sad when it's over, but also glad. I miss my kids and my partner at home, and I'm glad to be going back to them. While I do love Arthur, and love spending time with him like this, I know we'd be terrible for each other in a more full time relationship. What we have right now is perfect. Intense and sweet. He's a comet, and the reason we've been able to be lovers for so many years is precisely because he's gone for long stretches of time.

But I do love this. I have so many sweet memories from this weekend, and have gotten so many ideas for things I want to do in the future. I'm nowhere near done with him, that's for certain. I look forward to seeing him again. 

Saturday, February 20, 2021

I can fuck!

Last fall, I was diagnosed with lichen sclerosus. It's a chronic skin disease of the vulva. Non-contagious, luckily. But it sucks. Among other things, the skin gets less flexible and more prone to tearing. I especially get tears towards the perineum side of the vaginal opening. 

At its worst, the disease can make the vaginal opening almost close up, the labia minora disappear and the clit hood fuse shut, thus trapping the clit under a layer of skin. This makes the clit a lot less sensitive. On me, my clit is mostly trapped and the labia minora are smaller, but I retain a lot of sensitivity still.  

Many people with this disease stop having sex, have sex very rarely and/or get no pleasure (and a significant amount of pain) from sex. Tearing is painful, and fear of tearing makes it harder to get turned on and properly wet. When you're less turned on, less wet, the odds of getting tears increase. A vicious circle, in other words. 

Arthur and I had sex last night. Carefully, gently, with lube, me controlling both the angle and depth of penetration.. And it was not really pleasant for me. It didn't hurt that much, but I did tear a bit. I was happy I was able to fuck at all, because I've been worried about that... His dick is easily the largest I've handled, so that doesn't make things any easier. But being in pain isn't nice. 

Luckily I was mostly healed by this morning, horny as hell, and wanted to try again. And this time, it worked! I was wetter than last night, I'd orgasmed with a toy first, and I used more lube. After carefully, slowly sinking almost all the way down on his dick, I got back up and applied even more lube to the places where I felt any sign of uncomfort. Then down again. All the way down. And it worked! 

So I CAN fuck. I could get him all the way into me, even experiment with the angle to put more strain in the perineum, and I didn't tear. If he hadn't been half asleep, we could probably have changed positions too. You have no idea how happy this makes me. I can actually have a semi-normal sex life again. I might never be able to have a "quicky" like I used to, I will probably always need more foreplay than before, but I can fuck! 

I started crying afterwards, I was so relieved. This has been weighing on me ever since I got the diagnosis, and I'm so happy to know that I can still have penis-in-vagina sex if I want to.  

On pressure and consent (again)

Back when I was depressed, a long time ago, I had a lover. In this blog, I called him War. The reason that relationship worked for as long as it did, and the reason it was so good for me, was because it gave me a break from my mind. A break from the everyday anxiety, the feeling of guild, of not being good enough, the struggle to function even though my mind was sick with depression. And the reason that relationship worked as a break from my mind, was because it had no strings. No expectations, no obligations, no pressure. We talked about this along the way, and agreed that this was a good thing. The moment he started pressuring me, I broke it off. 

In fact, he did more than pressure. I told him one day that I'd love to cuddle, but I didn't want to have sex. He still tried to make me have sex with him. Three times I told him "no" and reminded him of what I'd said to begin with. Then I got up and walked out the door. 

Several years later, he apologized for his behavior. I'm glad he did. But at the same time, I never felt threatened by him. He would pressure me and try to guilt me, yes. In that whole movie trope way, where a "no" from a girl just means you keep trying to persuade her. It's really not a healthy way to approach someone's limits, and it could potentially lead to someone agreeing to sex when they didn't really want it. That's a really bad thing... But I didn't think about all these implications back then.

Back then, I was just angry that he wouldn't respect my limits. Angry that he'd taken something carefree and expectation-less, and made it all complicated. He broke us. And I walked out.

In hindsight, I'm really proud of walking out. Of not giving in to that pressure. 

Why am I thinking about all that today? Two reasons: I'm spending the weekend in a hotel room with Arthur. That's sort of the same kind of break that I used to get with War (though I saw War several times per month, and Arthur just a couple of times per year). It's a break from obligations, a break from the outside world. I can just be in this bubble and enjoy myself.

The second reason I started thinking about it, is because I just had sex with Arthur while he was half asleep. I'm saying half, because although he had his eyes closed and only made the occasional grunt, he was very much a willing participant. His hands, his body, his dick, all confirmed that he was enjoying himself. 

And still I worried. Because I knew he was mentally and physically tired. And because men can get an erection without wanting to have sex, and men can be pressured into having sex just as much as women can. Figuring out what Arthur really wants is damn tricky in the best of circumstances. Half-asleep and grunting is certainly not "the best of circumstances". I didn't want to accidentally rape him. The fact that I was so horny I had problems controlling myself is, just like back then with War, not a mitigating circumstance. 

Arthur must have picked up on my worry somehow. Once I was done with him, he roused himself enough to tell me in plain speak that he wanted this. That he consented. He even told me I was free to give him blow-jobs and have sex with him any time, even in the middle of the night. That he would always be able to rouse himself enough to say "no", if he didn't want it. That I should trust him to be able to say "no", even when practically asleep. He told me not to worry. 

I love that he could read me that well. Understand me that well. Even drowsy and with his eyes closed. Trust isn't easy for me, and not worrying is impossible. But this weekend is giving me sort of a break. And I needed that. 

Thursday, February 18, 2021

Fishing: A poem

All this nervous energy. 
Happy, awake, thoughtful, cuddly, 
Like I want to give the entire world a hug. 
Wild swings, from anxious and stressed to excited and elated.

Tomorrow he'll be here. 
Tomorrow we'll touch again, hold again, 
That full-body embrace, skin on skin.
Tomorrow I won't have to fish for attention, won't have to grovel to be seen, won't be rejected and ignored. 
Catch, no release. 

Friday, January 22, 2021


My partner Saint has gone early to bed again, and my lover Arthur is busy and not answering my messages tonight. I'm surfing on Fetlife and some kink-channels on Discord, but not enough is happening and I feel restless. I have this longing, like an itch I'm unable to scratch.

I long for people. Kinky people. I long for connection, community, I long for my kinks to feel normal, accepted, enthusiastically embraced. Sure I've got some friends, but we mostly talk online these days and most of them aren't kinky. They might know about my kinks, but since they aren't kinky themselves they don't really "get" it.

So I have this longing. I long to sit amongst my peers, not necessarily discussing kinky stuff, but knowing there's room for it. Both for the conversation topics and the actions. I long for the sounds of someone playing in the background, spontaneous and natural. I long for the light flirting, the show&tells, the questions. I miss being surrounded by other kinkster, I long for a community.

And it's not even covid's fault, really. I've turned away from the community willingly, because I'm busy taking care of young kids. There isn't time, or room, or energy, for taking part in a kink community right now.

So it's my own fault. 
But I still miss it. 

Friday, January 8, 2021


I stumbled accross this post, and it made me think. If sexual desire is a spectrum, with hypersexuality (as described in that post) on one end and asexuality in the other end... I'm pretty close to hyper, most of the time. 

Not as bad as what she described there, certainly. I've never had to physically ice my genitals. But I have on a couple of occasions been late for meetings, or postponed doing tasks I really should be doing, because I was busy masturbating. And in every single relationship I've been in, I'm the one who wants the most sex. Even if a partner can keep up at first, after a few months or a year I'm the one who wants it the most. 

Nursing a baby is such a weird experience for me, because when I nurse I became asexual. It kicks in a couple of weeks after birth, so it has to be hormonal. Being ace is such a strange feeling to me, to NOT want sex. To not even think about it. When I nurse less, though, my sex drive comes back.

I'm nursing once or twice every night now, sometimes not even that, and my sex drive is DEFINITELY back. (Let's just say, I'm glad I'm mostly working from home these days..) 

For someone with such a high sex drive, I've had practically no one night stands though. I can flirt and fondle, sure. And I can get the other person hot and naked. And I can do BDSM stuff to them. But to actually let them have sex with me... No. 

It comes down to trust, I think. And being damaged. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of, really... I think it's 60% body issues and 40% a fear of disappointing them. Of not being good enough.

But if I could let myself trust? Oh yeah, there would be a lot more one night stands in my future. 

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Life changes

My life has changed a lot these past few years. I've got two kids, gotten divorced, and moved to a different part of the country. I still have my wonderful Saint, who's a great partner to me and a great dad to our kids. But with a 1 year old and a 3 year old, there isn't much time or energy for kink or even sex. I miss it, a lot, but I'm not worried. This is such a short period of our lives, and it will pass soon enough. We'll get back in the swing of things once the kids start sleeping through the night, of that I'm certain.

Another change is a new diagnosis: Lichen sclerosis. An auto-immune skin disorder affecting the skin of the vulva. The skin gets frail, sore, itches a lot, tears easily and looses its flexibility. The disease can also cause the skin to fuse over the clitoris, the labia minora can disappear, and worst case scenario the vaginal opening can gradually close up. 

I had this for over a year before going to see a doctor (yeah, I know, I'm an idiot). He suspected this disease and referred me to a gynecologist who confirmed it.

Luckily, it's not contagious, and it can be fairly well contained with strong cortisone ointments. I'll need to apply that at least a couple of times per week for the rest of my life, and apply it daily during flare-ups.

I've treated it for a couple of months now, and I feel almost back to normal. I haven't tried having penetrating sex since treatment started, but I think it would completely fine now.

It's just another change. Something I'm sure I'll learn to live with. 

Friday, June 19, 2020

Pinned and taken

I spent another few hours with Arthur yesterday, and I think it's my first intimate encounter with him that I don't feel a need to analyze much afterwards. It was comfortable, familiar, nice. And no hint of a drop afterwards either.

To be fair, we didn't play as roughly as we did two weeks ago. Almost all of it was familiar ground for both of us. I did introduce a couple of new elements, but I don't think he was in the right head space to go on the offensive and run with it (he struggles with dissociation a lot). I was a bit more tired than last time as well, so I didn't mind. We stuck with stuff we both knew worked... And it worked.

We discovered a couple of new elements that really turned me on, though. That was a lot of fun. Basically, I get more turned on if I believe that the other person is really enjoying themselves. And as a bottom, I really enjoy the feeling of being taken. So when we were playing with cock sucking and breath control (taking him in so deep I can't breathe), having him moving his hips and slightly thrusting into my mouth was really hot. Especially when I was unable to move away, like when he was sitting on my chest or holding my head. That takes a lot of trust, and a fair amount of coordination and practice so that I don't gag (definitely not a turn-on!), but we made it work. And it was really nice!

The second element we discovered was similar to the first one in what it did to me, only with different body part:  When he fingered me, having him also hold me by the throat/jaw (not for breath control, just to hold/control me) was also a big turn-on. So yeah, not being able to "escape" while being fucked (by fingers, cock or whatever), is really hot. Generally, being pinned down by him is really hot. He's both taller, heavier and a lot stronger than I am, which works to our advantage.

I'm not at all surprised that I was turned on by these things. They fit well into stuff I've fantasized about for most of my adult life. What surprised me was how much I trusted him and his ability to read my signals. That stuff doesn't happen over night, we've built that trust over several years. And now we're reaping the benefits.

Monday, June 8, 2020

Further analysis of a damaged person

This is a continuation of my previous post. If you haven't already, I suggest you read that one first. 

First issue - analysis
Being afraid a lot, leaves scars. In the years that followed my relationship with X, I had quite a few issues. I don't know exactly which of them can be attributed to the way he behaved, and which come from other trauma (like many years of bullying school when I was young). But at least, my relationship with X didn't make me a MORE stable, normal, functioning person, that much is certain.

I grew afraid of men who raised their voice in a way that seemed authoritative or angry. And generally afraid of people who seemed angry. I got confronted with this fear later that summer in 2005, at a larp, where an older guy expressed anger at me (in character). It not only left me speechless, it left me trembling and in tears. And I wasn't playing.

Since then, I haven't encountered situations like this that often. Most guys don't go around shouting at people... But I believe that this fear has mellowed in the past 15 years. I still think it would freak me out, if a guy shouted at me in anger... But most likely I'd be able to handle it then and there, and only fall apart afterwards.

I also grew to hate it when people would leave in the middle of an argument. X would do that, sometimes, as a way to cool off. Which in hindsight was an excellent idea, considering that he really couldn't keep his temper in check, but I was hurt by it back then. I felt abandoned. Worthless. As though I wasn't even worth arguing with. 

I still don't handle that feeling of being abandoned very well, but it might also be connected to past bullying. So might not only be about X. I don't know. Anyway, when I feel vulnerable I seek connection. I seek reassurance that I'm wanted. That I'm ok. When other people close to me pull back from me, for whatever reason, I feel hurt. Even though it doesn't even have to be about me. 

But these are knows issues. I've known about them, and tried to work on them, for almost 15 years. 

Second issue - analysis
I was raped. I though I wasn't traumatized by that, but I think I was wrong. It didn't impact my daily life much, but it impacted how I do BDSM. 

I've always been somewhat of a control freak. Ever since I was a young kid, I've wanted to do things PROPERLY. When other kids would make up games, I would spent a lot of time making up the rules... And then feel really disappointed when no one wanted to play by those rules. I'd do things over and over until they were RIGHT. I've always done well in school, and developed ridiculously high standards for myself. I kept being disappointed by my class mates, when we were supposed to be cooperating, because they didn't perform to my standards. So I ended up doing the majority of the work myself. I was bullied, and so learned to hate surprises, because they were always hurtful and demeaning. 

So obviously, a need for control has always been there to some extent. But I REMEMBER being a sub with X. I remember the bliss of subspace, floating on nothingness, warm and safe. I remember the zen-like feeling of only being in the present, reacting to whatever he would do to me. Not thinking, not worrying, not planning. I remember feeling like I was taking a break from my own head. 

I've never felt like that again. 

Oh, I've tried. I tried with T, but we weren't a good match, BDSM-wise. I tried with Swede, but he completely lacks initiative so I still have to think up what he should do to me. I tried with Cathalyst, and that's probably the closest I've come. It was a heady, intoxicating experience. But I don't trust him enough. And I'm trying with Arthur, and that's what made me realize that there's some underlying issue here. 

Most of my fear seems connected to bondage. Which is weird, because that's also a big kink for me. I remember once at a shibari event, someone demonstrated an arm binder - style tie on me. No feelings, no play, just rope. And I remember really WANTING to relax into it, WANTING to enjoy it, and in stead I freaked out. I could feel myself getting close to hyperventilating, and had to get them to untie me. It was a really uncomfortable experience, and one I didn't dear to dwell on. I'd even forgotten about it (suppressed it?) until now. 

Some of my fears are logical.. There's so many "what if's" going through my head. What if something happens to them, and I won't be able to get loose? What if there's a fire? But in a room with several other people, awake, alert, during the day, with the lights on... Not logical.

And there are some fears that really aren't logical at all, but are obviously connected to the trauma that X caused. Like: What if they suddenly become angry at me? What if they don't stop when I want them to? Arthur just touched upon that last one when we did breath play the other day, and that fear isn't particularly pleasant either. 

Also, what difference does it make if him tied down or not, really? Almost everyone are stronger than me, especially if they're already on top. In a wrestling match, I'll loose. If they want to hurt me, they can. I couldn't stop that, even with every limb free, I'd just get more hurt. 

As for the emotional side of things.. I can play at being a sub. I can DO the right things, say the right things... But I struggle with feeling it, believing it, for more than an instant here and there. I struggle with letting go, letting the other person call the shots. Like I wrote the other day, I worry that I won't be good enough. That my natural, spontaneous reactions won't be good enough. That they'll abandon me, give up on me, if I don't enjoy the very first thing they try... What if I don't do it RIGHT? What if I disappoint them? That feeling actually scares me a lot more, deep down, than any worry for my physical safety. 

I want to work on this. I need to work on this. Really, really slowly (over years, probably) and with someone I trust and have that sub/dom-chemistry with. 

I can function perfectly well without dealing with any of this, but deep down I'm a switch. I miss being able to submit when I play. And with all this junk, I don't think I'll be able to. I can play at it, but I can't really feel it. 

I also think dealing with my past issues can make me a better dom. I learned a lot from being a sub, and I use that knowledge when I'm dominating. I'm better at reading their reactions, because I've been in their shoes.. But that was 15 years ago. Perhaps I should get some new experiences under my belt, eventually...