Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Defining myself and my kink

I'm a switch.
You might not think so, but I really am. And in my mind, seen over a long time, it's fairly 50/50.

In reality, at least in the last five years or so, I've been 100% dominant. And although I occationally feel the desire to submit, to play with that side of me, most of the time it doesn't bother me.

In my mind, I have a mental "container" that needs to be filled with BDSM regularly. If I don't get BDSM, I'll survive but my life gets more boring and bland. I really feel the lack. However, both dominance and submission fits into that container. I don't need both, all the time, I just need SOME form of BDSM. So as long as I "get my fill", it doesn't matter if I do it has a submissive or as a dominant.

I enjoy different things when I'm a sub versus when I'm a dom. Power, however, is a common theme. I enjoy playing with power, who's really in controll etc. Also, it's all about the sub. Always. I enjoy pleasing the sub (or get pleasure, if the sub is me). This "guilt free" pleasure is one of the best things with BDSM, in my opinion. By that, I mean that the sub doesn't get any other choice. He/she can't reciprocate, and isn't expected to. And so there is no feeling of "I should be doing X, Y and Z" or "Does she think I'm too passive now..?". No insecurity, just pleasure.

And that's probably what I miss the most, when I'm just a dom and never a sub. As a sub, I could just lean back and recieve. I knew it would be all about me. And I knew the dom would enjoy it too. But most of the time, the rush of power when I strap someone in and tell them exactly what I'm going to do to them.. That rush is so great, and it's such a great turn on, being a sub is the furthest from my mind.

Like I said, it's all about power. When I'm the dom, I love manipulating the sub. Putting him in the state of mind that I want, making him horney or apprehensive or scared even. Turning him on, knowing how "high" the rush is taking him and mixing up all the right ingredients to get the result I want. It's like playing a piano, with the sub as the instrument. Or cooking, adding a hint of that and a splash of that, and leaving it to bake for juuuust long enough.

So yeah, that's what BDSM is to me. That's what I love about it, who I am, how I define myself. In a somewhat rambling and disjointed manner. :P

Generating Contents

I don't blog that often anymore.

I still see Tight approximately once every two weeks. He's started topping another friend of ours (Flower), and occationally I worry that he's slipping away from me. But most of the time I'm happy for him, and I trust that the fun we have with eachother is enough to keep him interested.

I see War occationally (once since the last entry). And ofcourse there's T, my husband who works kind of like glue.. He holds my life together when I feel like I'm cracking up. Don't know how I could do without him.

The NEED to blog usually only pops up when there's something new, or something difficult. Something I'm struggling with or thinking about a lot, and need to get off my chest. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts and make sense of them. So my life is in kind of a lull. Not in a particulary bad way, but still a lull. I don't have much energy to do anything about it either. Most of my energy is sucked out by work. I started working out a few months ago, but haven't worked out at all in November. This is due to the same lack of energy. Hopefully, it'll get better over the hollidays.

So, to have something to fill my blog, I will steal this idea from Unrepentant Fatty: 30 Days of Kink.
Ofcourse, there's no way in hell I'll be able to do it in 30 days. I don't blog that often. But it gives me a topic to write ABOUT, whenever I feel like blogging. And it might help you to get to know me better, which wouldn't hurt either. :P

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Permitting myself to be bad

I've fooled around with War two more times. Both times spending the night. I also re-negotiated the original deal with T. Before, I had to stay "above the belt" on War, but now he's included in the standard arrangement that I use on anyone and everyone.

And so I've been exploring War's limits a bit more and trying to push him into speaking his mind and standing up for himself. He's developped a lot over the past few weeks. It's not just me getting to know him, but him getting to know himself. It's strange to be with a guy who's 15 years my senior, and still be the most experienced one by far.

Among the things I've done with him is letting him try out a blindfold (on himself and later on me), play-wrestling, throwing popcorn at him and other light teasing, plenty of manual and oral petting and teasing. Last time, I figured out how he worked enough to make him come. The first time always feels like an accomplishment, even though I've been doing these things for years.. Making a guy come (with hands or mouth) makes me feel proud and happy with myself. Like I've won, somehow. It might be a power thing, again. :P

Fooling around with him is fun. The physical contact feels good and trying to help him get over his ex and move on makes me feel good. But it's not all a dance on roses though. He's so... Nice! He's kind and empathic and careful.. And a complete push-over. Seriously, his previous relationship completely broke his sense of self-esteem. He's SO easy to manipulate, SO easy to make him do whatever I want. And that would be fine, if it didn't feel like I was kicking a defenseless kitten. There is nothing bad in him, he never speaks back or even makes me feel bad. And so I try my best to be good to him. Try to be as kind as he deserves. Because he's such a great guy.

I'm not kind, though. Sometimes, sure, but not all the time.  I'm not soft, and cuddly and nice. I'm rough and hard and occationally violent. And I revel in it. Being with War feels like I'm a frisky horse that wants to gallop, but I have to be held back to a slow walk. Reighns sawing at my mouth, head reared back and I'm struggling and struggling. I know I have to take it slow, I know I have to go easy and be soft and nice. And I'm able to do that for a while. It's fine. But what I REALLY want to do is stretch my neck and run.

So this weekend is something I've really been looking forward to: Finally I got some time with Tight again. We were supposed to play last weekend, but he was exhausted from working so much overtime. I understood that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the things I'd planned, he'd be better served with going home and getting some sleep. And so I, altruistically, sent him home. Because I am good to the people I care about, be that a sub or just a friend, despite what I just said above. I can be good to them, it's just that I want to be bad too, often at the same time.

This weekend, finally I can be bad. Yesterday was probably the quickest, and most intense, session I've had in months... If ever. I'd planned it carefully, dressed in dark clothes, turned off the lights on the porch.. And when Tight was walking towards the hourse, I hid behind a car and ambushed him. I pulled a black pillow-cover over his head, and he got really spooked. I could almost hear his heart racing. By the time I got the cuffs on him, he knew it was me and had started to get exhited, but the adrenaline from the ambush was still coarsing through his veins. A few rounds of duck tape on the outside of the pillow-cover made sure his eyes were closed and he couldn't get the cover off.

I manhandled him inside, pushed him to his knees inside the door and started undressing him. He was kneeling, his hands cuffed to his back, a sack over his head, leaning his forehead on the floor, his ass in the air. I could hear his breath, quick breathing, almost moaning. It got faster and more exhited when I leant on his back and held him down. Outer clothes off, I threw him on the bed and undressed him further. Only wearing socks and the sack on his head, I removed the cuffs and duck taped his wrists together in the front. Duck tape on his ancles as well, and more on his head to keep the sack on and away from his nose and mouth so he could breathe... Then I taped his mouth shut.

And the rest of the play, which probably didn't last more than 30 minutes, was even more intense. He couldn't see me, couldn't speak, and all other senses were straining. I made sharp noises in the air around him, a clap, a snap. He startled, and moaned, more adrenaline was released by his brain. A bit scared, and very exhited. I kept him shivering, suddenly touching his tose, his shoulder, his dick. When I felt that he was close to hyperventilating or otherwise felt he needed to calm down, I placed a hand on his stommack. He knew I ment for him to breathe deeply, to take it easy.

One of the most amazing things with this session was that we didn't have to speak much. I always speek with my playthings. I check that they are ok, I ask them questions, probably more than they want me to. But last night just went SO well. It flowed. I felt I knew him, and he knew me, enough that a simple touch, a sound or a small nod, was enough. And even though he couldn't see me, he trusted me enough to see those signals. When my hand stayed on his stommack once, he gave me a small nod. Signaling that he was ok, we could go on. Such a small thing, and that kind of thing makes ALL the difference.

And that's why I pushed him further this time. I'd already warned him that I would be fucking with his mind. And I knew he'd had a recent experience with some edge play (not with me), that he'd really liked. I wouldn't have done what I did, if I didn't feel as sure as I could be that he would be ok. Still, it was scary for the both of us, and we discussed it carefully afterwards.

He felt something cold and straight and fairly heavy placed accross on his stommack. I told him it was a knife. I made sure he was lying still, talked to him carefully and made sure he wouldn't get spooked or make any sudden moves. I touched the edge of the knife to his shoulder. To his chest. To his thigh. Even to his dick. I didn't press hard, I didn't drag it accross the skin. At the end, I lay on top of him, made him hold his breath and held the knife to his throat.

And he loved it.

Ofcourse, I'm WAY too careful to spring something like knife play on someone unannounced. First of all, we haven't discussed it much. Secondly, I don't know enough about knives or what would be safe and what wouldn't to EVER use a sharp knife on someone for fun. He THOUGHT he'd been subject to knife play. And in a way he had... I'd never lied. But where he'd imagined something like this nasty thing on the right:

What I'd really used was something I wouldn't have been able to hurt him with even if I'd tried. Something that is less dangerous than a fork. A knife like this on the left. It's not sharp, it's not pointy, the only thing it has going for it is that it's hard. The fork is probably more dangerous.

But it wasn't about what I really was using, it was about what he THOUGHT I was using. Afterwards, I showed him the real knife and we talked it over. So now he knows. I'll probably not be able to pull the same stunt again, but it was worth it.

All in all, a very intense start to a very good weekend. It's been way too long since I've been able to ambush, scare and abuse someone like this. And I've been loving every second of it. It's good to be bad. :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

A game of cards and a walk in the woods

Last Friday, I went to War's place to play cards. A bunch of his friends were there as well, and I had a very good time, even though I'm terrible at such games. After everyone had left, we started messing around. Only above the belt, as previously agreed with T, ofcourse. I ended up staying the night.

It was fun. He was less timid this time. Needed less coaching and luring to actually speak his mind. The best part was when we play-wrestled. You see, I try to make him more able to stand up for himself. And I wanted to prove that women aren't made of glass. Both works. After enough teasing and struggling, I actually managed to (provoke him to) get back at me. And when he did, he had no trouble defeating me, which was the point I wanted to make all along. :)

Sunday (two days ago) I finally saw Tight again, after over three weeks appart. We took a walk in the woods, found a secluded spot, and had our very first outdoor bondage- and play-session. It was great fun, though I would have prefered having more time. Leaving earlier in the day, perhaps, and bringing some food and such so we can have breaks. As it was, he eventually got too cold, and the mosquitoes too bothersome. By then, I'd pushed him into subspace twice. Both by tying him up, with a gag and blindfold, and telling him "I'm leaving now". He KNEW deep down that I wouldn't do that, but it triggered some fear in him. Pushing those buttons was scary, but interesting, and we both agree we'll do it again.

I took some pictures while he was tied to a tree. This is probably the most shoddy bondage I've done in years, but it did what it was supposed to do. Quick and dirty. Oh, and btw: He is tied firmly. The ground sloped towards the base of the tree, so that was as far back as he could get his leggs and still be somewhat comfortable.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


This isn't really kink related, but it's very personal and I needed to write about it someplace.

I was at a con this weekend, and last night there was an after-party. As today was a work day for most people, by 3 o'clock not many were left and T convinced me to go home with him. I didn't want to leave, I was really enjoying myself and loved the company I was in. However, I went with him, because I knew (objectivly) that he was right, even though I didn't want that to be true (subjectivly).

On the way home I thought a lot about why I had enjoyed myself so much. I usually don't like parties, where people are drunk and the music is loud and I typically go home early. What made this night different?

I think the answer was that for perhaps the very first time, ever, I felt truly safe and accepted and welcome at a party. The typical people I party with are either BDSM people, where BDSM is in focus and where there is usually a lot of people I don't know or don't want to know. It's a different kind of environment, and I usually focus on my sub. Or I party with LARP people, where I don't know that many people either. Now, at the party last night, there were fewer people which helped me feel safer. But I didn't really know any of them that well, so this explanation can't be the whole truth.

Another important piece of the puzzle is how I was treated last night versus how I usually get treated. I get the impression that many people see me, and remember/think of the girl I was when I was 19-20 and first got to know them. I'm not that girl anymore. However, first impressions stick and I sometimes still get the feeling that people.... Look down on me. Or simply tolerate my prescence. They have enough of a crowd around them, people they know well and like. I am accepted as part of the periphery, but not particulary welcomed. Not actively included. Not appreciated.

And yeah, I know I'm weird. I was more socially inept when I was 19, but I'm still not exactly a social camelion. I go my own way a fair bit, and stand out. The people I was with last night, from the con, they are used to people who are social oddballs. You would have to be, to work at a con. Many of those who've organised the con over the years are really, really weird. Weirder than me, I think. That social scene is more accepting, more tolerant, of weirdness. And so I don't feel so weird or different from others.

Also, I've only seen these people about a weekend once per year. Yes, they still get a first impression, but that first impression doesn't get much time to stick. This means they don't see me as my 19-year-old-self. They see me now. An adult. An equal. It's a nice feeling. And when they were playing a game, taking turns, and started to include me, I felt really welcome. Not just tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. It was a nice feeling.

The fact that I felt so socially safe with those guys (there were no women left that late at night), gave me a warm glow inside. It made me happy. I drank more last night than I usually do (typically I don't drink at all), because I felt safe. Secure.

T was there, but where I usually cling to him for assurance and support (usually not litteral clinging, but mentally), I stood much more on my own two feet last night. I'm glad he was there, but I didn't need his help or comfort like I typically do. I also had War there, whom I did cling to a bit, but that's just because we are flirting. He's nice, in a harmless sort of way, and I like hanging out with him.

So yeah, last night was very good. I felt accepted, included and welcomed, for being me. Not welcomed because I'm a dom (like I sometimes feel in the BDSM scene), or tolerated because I'm T's girlfriend (like I usually feel in the LARP scene). Liked for being me. Treated as an adult, and seen as a positive contribution to a group.

I loved that.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Cock bondage and sensory deprivation

T and I had sex this weekend. He knows how much I love lazy morning sex, but he's usually not in the mood just after waking up. Well, this weekend was an exception, and it was very nice. I hope for more exceptions. :P

Sunday, Tight came over. I hadn't played with him for two weeks, and was getting restless. He wasn't quite in the right headspace, too much private stuff going on in his life these days. I tried to distract him as best as I could, and although he definitly enjoyed himself, I felt as though he wasn't all "there". Not much I can do about that, really, other than work with what I have.

He'd asked if we could try something I'd posted in my Tumblr stream, and I was happy to comply. Using only ropes, I placed him in a hogtie similar to this (illustration picture):
He loved it. After gaging and blindfolding him, I just sat there and listened to him moan. It was lovely. Ofcourse, a hogtie might be great for the sub, but it does eventually get a bit bornig for me. He's lying on all the good bits, after all. So I turned him around, still tied, and teased him for a while. Later on, we tried a similar position, but with the legs together.

After a break, we went back and played some more. He was getting pretty worn out, so I placed him on his side in a fetal position. Tied his legs together, his arms together and attached to the legs. A rope from his collar and down to his legs forced his neck down and in. Gag and blindfold, as before. However, for the first time I also tried removing another sense: His hearing. I made him listen to music, which didn't remove all sense of the outside world, but dulled the outside world to a pont where it could more easily be ignored. I had him listen to the sountrack to the new Jessie James movie, made by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. It's lovely, calm instumental music. No distubing vocals anywhere.

Not having slept much the previous night, Tight fell asleep. He was SO adorable lying there. :) I didn't let him sleep for long. It was good  to know he can relax that much in bondage that he actually falls asleep, even when he's wrapped up like a package.

On Wednesday, I'm bringing Tight to the dentist. He hasn't been to a dentist for many, many years, and his teeth are looking worse for wear. He needs them checked, and hopefully fixed. He really doesn't like dentists, so he needs my push to actually be able to go. I booked the appointment for him, and I'm comming with him. He is mine, and just like I would take a horse to the vet if it was sick, I feel a responsibility towards Tight as well. One takes care of one's property, after all. :)

Transfer complete

I've transfered the blog from my vanilla e-mail account to an account I only use for kink purposes. I had hidden the blog fairly well back where it used to be, but I still worried that someone googling my vanilla e-mail or name might come accross it. That should no longer be a danger. :)

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Changing accounts

I'm currently working on moving this blog to a different Blogger account. The one I've been using up 'till now, is also used with lots of vanilla activities. I prefer to keep my kink and vanilla life separate, so that's why I'm moving it. If the blog is down occationally in the last few days, do not worry. I'll have it back up and running again in no time.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Sub = fuck toy (fun for me, not as fun for him)

The new toys I told you about in my previous entry have seen some use. I just love the nipple clamps, and so does Tight. They are sweet and lovely when I first put them on him, and quickly progress to damn painful if I don't remove them quickly. And ofcourse pain is something I enjoy inflicting once in a while. :)

The strap-on hasn't seen it's intended use yet. Tight just isn't well enough, and we have realised his ass need some serious training before it can handle anything that large. We played last weekend, and reached a new first: He was able to come with something up his ass. Previously, it's been too much of a distraction to do any good. He also told me that he sometimes struggles to come because he feels ashamed or self-concious. I want to work on that, perhaps by taking away more controll from him.

We have used it for something else, though. I tied Tight down on the bed, with a blindfold and gag, and put the strap-on on him. His dick wasn't locked away, and it was getting a bit in the way. I worked around it, though, wrapping it in a towel and shoving it out in away. Then I rode the strap-on until I had a great orgasm. He didn't get to see, he didn't get any real pleasure from it, all he got was my thighs straddling him and the sounds of my orgasm. He was my sex-matrass, my toy to use as I wished. Will absolutely do that again.

I am getting somewhat frustrated these days, though. There seems to never be enough time for anything. Even when we have a whole afternoon and evening, it's typically 6 or 7 pm before we even get started. We can't be any quicker either, we need to work and eat after all. By 10 or 11 pm we are usually pretty tired and ready to sleep. And those are the good days. Mostly, we don't have the time to see eachother. Spring is always a busy time for me, and this year more than ever. I'm doing school stuff, applying for jobs, trying to work fulltime-ish and planning my wedding all at the same time. That doesn't leave much time for BDSM...

What I want is what I see in the pictures on my Tumblr stream. I want submission, closeness, him giving himself to me. When we do have time together, I usually just default to teasing and sexual stuff, because it's easier and more immediatly pleasurable (at least for me). So I'm just a Top, not a Dom. A somewhat controlling and demanding Top, true... :P But still... I want that submission, the giving and recieving. Soon.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

New toys

I was going to post a sex-related meme. But upon reading it closer, I realised that most of it wasn't about sex after all. Besides, I usually hate other people posting memes, so why should I make the same offence?

It's been a while since I updated this blog, but not much has happened. Tight has been sick for ages. One thing relieving the other. His back, his eye, his mouth, his back again, his stommack etc... It's getting silly, how much that guy is getting sick these days. His back is still touchy, and can't take much manhandling. So a lot of the really fun activities I have planned, have been postponed indefinitly. Well.. Not indefinitly, but untill his back gets better. And we have no clue when that will be.

In the mean time, he's been paying off his (monetary) debt to me by buying me sex toys. Not the usual vibrating kind, but stuff more geared towards BDSM. Stuff I told him to get me, obviously. First, we bought a strap-on dildo. I already have a harness that I wan't to try out, but if it doesn't work (I got it terribly cheap a few years back), I'll buy a proper one myself. The second thing he bought for me (to use on him) was nipple clamps. These are horrible, wonderful little bity things. With small weights attatched. Lovely. Those, we've already tried out, and we both love them. :)

I'm really looking forward to tying Tight down and giving that ass of his a good fucking. His back isn't well enough for that yet, he's all tight (haha) everywhere. Including in his ass. So no, not yet, but it'll happen sometimes soon, I hope. I long to do this so much, that it's even affecting the kind of pictures I share on my Tumblr. T is accusing me of becoming very single-minded. The majority of my re-posted pics are of men, tied down in positions that makes them easy to fuck. And men getting fucked. :P

What can I say? I'm the kind of woman who knows what she wants. :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Interviewed by Dishevelled Domina

I have been interviewed by a fellow blogger who calls herself Dishevelled Domina. She has previously done a series of interviews with submissive men, and is currently posting her interviews of dominant women. I'm one of those women. Here is a link to the interview at her blog.

I've followed her blog for several months, perhaps close to a year, and would greatly recomend it. She also has a wonderful Tumblr feed with pictures of BDSM relations where the man is on the bottom. She rarely, if ever, posts typical porn pictures of femdom, but in stead focuses on the man and the act of submitting. Which is straight up my alley, too. :)

Inspired by her Tumblr feed, I started my own. First, it was just a way of gathering pictures that I could use to tease my previous sub, Corvus, and from these humble beginnings it got it's name: Heels for the Raven. As that relationship went south, I kept maintaining my tumblr feed. In stead of pictures of heels and corsets, meant for somebody else, I started filling it with stuff that I found interesting. I think this was healthy for me: To focus more on my own desires and needs.

These days, I follow several other Tumblr feeds (Dishevelled Domina's is one of them) and pick my favorites from those to repost. Following Heels for the Raven should give you an idea of what I find sexy, interesting and funny. I post stuff I find inspirational, as well as stuff that simply turn me on. Though I must admit, several times my search for cool pictures to post has been interrupted. I got so turned on by all these pictures, I simply had to go and masturbate.

There are so many beautiful bondage pictures out there, what else is a horney girl to do? :P

Sunday, April 1, 2012

A vanilla threesome at a BDSM party

Yesterday there was another BDSM party at our local club. I'd made quite a few plans for that evening, people I was going to hang out with and play with and such. Unforutnatly none of my plans actually worked out. My sub is sick and couldn't leave his bed, much less join me at a party. The friend of me and T who was supposed to spend the weekend at our place, ended up not coming after all. And the aquintance of Tight, who we're trying to introduce to the BDSM scene (he wants it, he's just scared), chickened out at the last minute.

So when T and I left home yesterday afternoon, I didn't have much hope for action. I expected a calm evening of socialising, which can be nice in itself, but isn't the main reason why I attend BDSM parties. T was somewhat disillusioned as well, as the girl he usually plays with was on holliday and the other girl he has been flirting with had to work and wasn't available. Most of the evening turned out to be exactly what we'd expected. Calm, quiet, social, but no action.

Usually, if nothing has happened by 1:30am, nothing will. Last night was the exception. A woman I know from a very different social context was at the party, I'm calling her Book. She's the fiancée of the guy who took nude photos of me in the woods last summer. I never really got a wibe from her that she was interested in us, or in anyone for that matter. It was her birthday, and also her first oportunity in over a year to go out with friends and have a few drinks. Her fiancé wasn't with her, but a few other friends of hers were.

It was late, she was fairly tipsy and a friend of Book encouraged me/us to hit on Book and fondle her a bit. I thought it was all just a joke, but T encouraged me to go along with it. And so we did, one on each side of her. When I kissed her, I realised that she was more keen than she'd let on. Under her very controlled and composed exterior, was a woman who hadn't had much sex lately. The alcohol enabled her to let loose a bit easier, but she wasn't drunk. Since we were in a no-play zone, we quickly had to move to a different area.

I kept being surprised by the fact that she didn't stop us. I'm used to fondling people who are more timid, who either need a bit of encouragment or who draw a hard limit somewhere. For example no touching the crotch area, or something. She didn't seem to have any such limits at all. More suprising (and this might be because of my low self esteem) was the fact that she wanted me/us at all. She is physically fit, beautiful, but at no point did she seem to have any second thoughts about us. Even with my big thighs and belly flopping about, as I eventually got naked. I talked this over with T afterwards, and he felt the same way. This is a confidence boost, for sure.

What I loved about having sex with Book, was that she seemed genuinly interested in including both me and T. She could very easily have excluded one of us, or ignored one of us, if she had only wanted one. She didn't. She touched and kissed and fondled us both. And she wasn't just a passive recipient either. This is a welcome change from the other threesomes me and T have had. They have been more Vs than triangles. Ofcourse, we still focus most on the third person. After all, we came on to her, so it's natural that she is in the center. However, at the end of it, we were all three naked. All three were wet and turned on. All three had had their hands on eachother at some point. Much more of a proper threesome, in other words.

She came twice, both times with T's fingers inside of her. I tried doing the same, but didn't get the right technique. I think I worry too much about being too rough, since I need such a light touch myself. And I haven't really had sex with a girl for almost a year, nor have I done it that many times, so T has much more experience than I do. It's only natural, but of course I wish I could do it as easily as he does.

At the end, just before the club closed, Book worked on T so that he came too. If we'd had more time, and been somewhere a bit more private, they would probably have given me an orgasm as well. She seemed very interested in that. However, I was really, really tired, and my asthma was acting up. I just didn't have the stamina for it, and I told her so. I don't think I would have been able to come there anyway. It's more tricky with me, than with many other women I know.

We didn't get to chat much afterwards. The club was closing, and we were the last one there, so we just found our clothes in a hurry and went outside. She walked us to the bus, intending to find a taxi on the way, but our bus came earlier than expected and we had to run. What is so nice with her, just like with her fiancé, is that she is wonderfully accepting, open and uncomplicating. I don't really think we (the three of us) need any more "aftercare". There is no worrying about what happens now, or what this will do to our relationship. She's obviously done this before, as have we. She's in a safe place in her relationship, as are we. There are no "but"s. It was hot and sexy and fun, and now it's over and we move on. It's as simple as that.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Humiliation play: The aftermath

Everything worked more or less according to plan last night. I forced him to eat stuff that tasted gross, tied him up, slapped him around, spit him in the face and said all kinds of nasty things to him. Then I forced him to pee himself, still wrapped up and tied down. And finally, I made him cry. Really cry this time, not just a tear or two.

I know I loved doing it, because I remember loving what I was doing. I remember being turned on by his helplessness and how he struggled against his bonds. I remeber telling him he only had two ways out, either using a safeword or doing as I told him, and I remember how this gave me a thrilling sensation all the way down my spine. I remember being turned on by hitting him and spitting on him (that last part is something I've never done to anyone before).

Yet in the clear light of day, it doesn't feel so great. I never usually feel any kind of shame with regards to my pervesions. I have no problems with me getting turned on by dominance or even sadism, it's just fun, and I've read enough and talked to enough people to know that this is fairly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. And although I KNOW the same thing with regards to humiliation play, it's still so much more difficult to accept.

After he got back on his feet, and we'd cleaned ourselves and our equipment (and the bathroom floor), we talked about it some more. And again, once we'd gone to bed. And again this morning. And each time he told me how he'd loved this experience. There was nothing I did to him that he doesn't want to happen again. It was terrible, but he handled it, and he loved it. He keeps reassuring me that he's fine, that he wanted this.

Yet I feel like crying. I feel like curling up in a ball against him, begging his forgiveness. To just repeat "I'm sorry" untill... I don't know. Untill this feeling of being a terrible, terrible human being goes away.

It's my words that hurt me the most. Saying terrible things to him, lying as best as I possibly could, trying to make it believable. Stuff I didn't mean, stuff I knew would hurt (but that I also felt fairly certain he could handle). Intentionally trying to hurt someone else, hurt me. And it keeps on hurting.

It's what I wanted. It's what he wanted. It's what we talked about beforehand, what we agreed that we both wanted to explore further. Limits we agreed that we wished to push at, actions that we knew were more extreme that we've ever done, but that we both thought we could handle. He didn't know exactly what I'd do to him, or make him do, so he couldn't activly concent to those. But we did speak about it in general terms, and all the while as we were playing, I kept asking him if he wanted to use any safewords. Just to make sure, because it was frustratingly difficult to know wether he was suffering in a good way or in a bad way.

I spoke this over with T, just now, and he told me that he sees my second thoughts on this subject as something healthy. The fact that it is difficult for me to do something like this, proves that I'm a mentally sane person and not a sociopath. That doesn't mean I can't do these things to someone else, just that doing them (at least the first few times) should feel hard. And of course he's right, and yet it feels damn uncomfortable. It feels like I'm second guessing my entire nature, my sexual preferences and my way of life.

So yeah, it might be normal and healthy. But it sure doesn't feel any good.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Playing the bitch

He's lying in the bathroom now, in the dark. All tied up. First in cling film, then in ropes.

Earlier, I've fed him lime juice, habanero sauce and ginger root. His mouth is still burning. I've also been feeding him a fair amount of coke. Because I only want him hurting when I want him hurting, not the rest of the time. I've used an O-gag, and smeared his drool all over his face.

I've given him tasks to perform, like Cinderella, kinda... Just without any available hands, and with no doves or mice to help him. He failed. Every attempt more spectacular than the last. I only cheated a little, mostly the tasks were impossible to begin with.

The last thing I told him, before leaving him tied up on the floor, in the dark, was: "Are you really greatful for what I do to you? It doesn't seem that way. It seems like you on purpose cross me. You've really disapointed me today." Then  I left him. Alone to think and mull that over.

It's all bullshit of course. He knows that, deep down. It's been SO hard to keep myself from grinning like a madwoman each time he failed a task. In stead I tut and complain.

This will all be leading up to quite a climax. There's a reason why I've used cling film. Why he's on the bathroom floor. Why I've been feeding him terrible things all day, and having him drink lots of coke as well.

I'll update this blog later on.

Update, twenty minutes later:
I checked that he was doing ok, physically. Asked him if he wanted more, which he did. I then preceded to talk him futher down, slap him lightly on the face, and lastly spit him in the face. Twice. Then I left him alone again. In the dark.

Update, afterwards:
It worked! :D

Friday, February 17, 2012

A few bondage and CBT pictures

All pictures are copyright Sexyblue. I'm aware that I can't really do anything to stop you spreading them... Therefore, please link back to this blog and re-state the copyright if you show these pictures to anyone else.
Thank you. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Suspesion, CBT and the Norwegian BDSM Conferance

Hmmm. I was in a pretty dark place when I wrote that previous blog entry... I'm not saying I wasn't telling the truth. I was, absolutely. But I might be somewhat more balanced positive/negative in my daily life. The negative side isn't ALWAYS winning.

I haven't been blogging much lately, so I have so catching up to do. It's not just over a month since I seriously started playing with Tight, and we've come quite a long way since we started out. Compared with my previous toy, Tight's progression is faster. I think that's partially because he's got more experience to begin with, and is more confident and sure of his own limits, and partially because I've grown in the last couple of years and gotten more experience and confidence as well.

Compared to my previous two toys, Corvus and Mondage, I feel much more sure of myself this time around. I feel more certain that I know what I'm doing (most of the time), I have more practical skills, more experience to draw on and more of an idea of where I want our relationship to go. I'm also much more clearly dominant this time around. With Mondage, it was bondage and some sadism, with only hints of dominance. With Corvus, my dominant side really developped. With Tight, it's really a combination of dominantion and all the rest, dominance being a clear and important part of our play.

About two weeks ago, I did my first ever proper suspension. I have tried it once before, with Corvus, but it was fairly unsafe and improvised, with bad ropes, bad anchor point and really not something I would recomend to anyone else. This time, with Tight, we used proper ropes, a good anchor point and a suspension ring to hang the rigging from. That's better.

Even though I've wached suspension done, and really studied it carefully, many times, it REALLY wasn't easy. First of all, when these big dominant guys are doing it, you don't realise how heavy a human body can be. Simply moving the body suspended, adjusting something, fixing the angle etc... It's heavy! I even ended up bruising my hands, but that was at least partially because I had the wrong technique when I first started out. I also realised that all this fancy japansese bondage you see people do.... If you don't know how to do it exactly right, it shouldn't be used for suspension, because it can get really unsafe really quickly. I tried, and my sub got some bad bruisings as a reward. On our second attempt, I just improvised, doing what I thought would work.... And it worked!

Once he was up there, pretty comfortable and swinging freely, I felt really proud. However, it will take a lot of practice before I can play while tying someone like that, or play with them as they are hanging up there... For now, simply doing the bondage in a way that is safe and comfortable, is tricky enough. I would love to try it again, though, and get some more practice done. Unfortunately, there's no anchor point in my appartement that I would trust enough for this kind of use, so for now my only option is at the BDSM club here in Oslo.

Tight has some fairly interesting bondage gear: A sleep sack and two straight jackets. All these three have been used during our play. I love the sleep sack, because I can make him so incredibly stuck, so quickly. It's comfortable enough that he can sleep in it, but tight enough that there's no way he'll be able to get out on his own. It has two zippers over the crotch area (one in the back, one in the front), which comes in very handy. My only issue with it, and the straight jackets for that matter, is that I loose access to the rest of his body when he's in them. I like to be able to feel his skin.

This month's main focus has been communication and building trust. Like I've said in previous entries, he's hesitant and a bit shy. He doesn't trust immediately and has trouble relaxing and just giving in to me. Bceause he wasn't feeling completely comfortable, I actually wasn't able to make him come the first two or three weeks we played.However, after a week of abstinence on his part I finally made it happen. It hasn't been easy after that either, but it's getting better. With no abstinence, I was still able to make him come this weekend.

Male ejaculation isn't really important to me, but when he struggled so much with it, I became very interested all of a sudden. Whatever he finds difficult or embarassing or tricky... That typically intrigues me more. For example, I made him wear high heels the other day, and he walked like a drunken goose on stilts. It was hilarious! I'll probably make him do it again, simply because it humiliates him. Besides, like all the men I get to know these days, he's got a fetish for crossdressing. He needs to learn how to walk on heels, if only for crossdressing purposes.

In our exploration of CBT, which is a new area for me as well, Tight has bought a humbler. We've used it twice so far, and I know he likes it a lot. I'm not wholely convinced, though. It seems to inflexible (tricky to change positions and such) and too much as though it's outside of my control. He could easily harm himself if the humbler got twisted around or stuck in something, for example.

For CBT, and especially ball-stretching purposes, I much perfer rope bondage. I know Tight loves that as well. Whenever I start to wrap ropes around his cock or balls, he instantly gets turned on. I've done this is semi-public a couple of times, to great effect. *grin* I started off with my regular 5mm linnen hemp rope, but I found it to be too thick for this kind of bondage. Tight got a hold of a thinner (3mm or 4mm I think) syntetic rope which we use instead. It's not as comfortable against the skin, but it enables me to do much more before I run out of space to work. I've also tried using flat shoelaces on his cock and balls, which also worked fairly well, though I don't like the stretchiness of the laces. It makes my knots more tricky to open, and I have a feeling it's less safe in the long run, because the tightness doesn't always stay the way I tied it.

As for CBT in general, I still feel like a novice in this area. I've read a couple of guides online and checked out a few wiki articles, and I have a fairly decent understanding of anathomy to begin with... But I've never seen it done (other than in porn) on anyone else, nor have I talked to anyone with much experience in the field. I've been experimenting a bit on my own, but I still feel far from certain about this stuff.

The first weekend of March, there'll be a BDSM conferance in Norway. This year, it takes place in Trondheim. I didn't get to participate last year, but this year it'll all worked out and I will be going. I'm very much looking forward to this. I haven't seen much of the BDSM scene in Trondheim since I moved away from there almost two years ago. I know there will be BDSM people from all over the country, and I'm ofcourse looking forward to seeing them as well. This year's subject is close to my heart: Safer BDSM. This will involve a discussion about consent, as well as several workshops.

After the conferance, there'll be a BDSM/fetish party called Baroque. Normally, I wouldn't be interested in a party with that much of a fetish focus, but Tight will be going to Trondheim for the conferance as well and I want to take him to the party. Partially to show off my new sub, and partially to play with him and have fun in a new venue.

So yeah, this was a long and somewhat rambling blog entry about all the fun stuff going on with my new sub. Hopefully, I'll be able to write some more later this week. I still feel there's loads I haven't talked about. His various sub spaces, for example. Or my new experiences with top drop. Oh well, next time.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You don't desire me, you just desire what I can do for you

Edit: What I write in this blog entry is not news. I do not have any sort of crisis at the moment, nor do I now (more than at any other time) need support. And so do not be alarmed. I'm not hurting myself or being particulary depressed or any such thing. This is my life, always.

I found a blog entry that really made me think, and here's my second blog entry inspired by that very same text. (Click here to read the whole text It's Lab Coats & Lingerie, a blog worth following.) The entry is really about consent, but there was one part in there that made me think about something else: Confidence and being desired by somebody. I've touched on this subject a few times before, like here. However, I haven't specifically talked about my body.
"When he didn’t reach out to touch me, never looked for the places he could slide his fingertips and make me moan like I had looked for his, I didn’t know any conclusion to draw except that he didn’t want me. That he tolerated my attention because he was getting off on it, but felt no desire to reciprocate. And why would he? I already had a lifetime of social conditioning telling me my body could not be sexy; this was just more evidence." -labcoatlingerie
And this is true for me. I have quite a lot of confidence in my abilities, my skills and my mental capacities. But I have very little confidence about my physical appearance. It's easy for me to find excuses or explanations as to why someone might seem to desire me, when my body is nothing worthy of desire.

For example, they might desire what I can give them (my skills as a dom, for example), and we willing to live with my body as long as I fulfil that desire. Or they might have very limited exposure to women (meaning they are ignorant), or have no other women interested in them (meaning they are desperate), as thus "making due" with what I have to offer. Or they might be following a social norm, which is to speak against anyone who claims they are undesireable, thus telling a "white lie". (Any positive comments on my appearance that I might get as a response to this blog entry,  would slot right into this cathegory. Ofcourse, any lack of comments, or negative comments, would only prove my standpoint. And so we are at an inpasse. A "catch 22", as they say.)

I have a wonderful fiancé, T. We've been together for six and a half years. And yet I don't FULLY belive that he desires my body, that he appreciates the way I look. I believe that I might not actively dislike my looks, and that my face might be somewhat appealing to him, he's managed to convince me of that much (though it sure took a while), but that doesn't mean that he desires me. That he finds me sexy, that I turn him on. (Also, I might on bad days convince myself that some of the excuses made above appeals to him, thus rendering his compliments invalid or of lesser value.) And he's the person I've known the logest, the person I trust the most. Compared to that, how will any new acquaintance stand any chance at all?

And so we come to the new acquaintance: Tight. He's wonderful, truly. We've been seeing eachother about twice a week, playing every time. Sometimes, it's just a bit of light teasing in public, or a quick-and-dirty session in the privat room of the club. But mostly, we've had sessions that last for hours, often several of them in one night. Twice, he's spent most of a day and a whole night here at our place, while T's been out of the house. He's of the reserved type, a bit shy and hesitant to take initative. And this leads us to another quote from the Labcoats' blog:
"But I’m still afraid, always, that no matter how much a lover likes me as a person they’re only putting up with my body. That no assertive touch means no desire. That asking for what I want is imposing. It makes it hard to find confidence when I want to dominate" - labcoatlingerie 
And this is it, exactly. Tight is afraid of imposing, afraid of going to far and afraid of being told off. And so he hesitates. He's gotten used to having a hand placed on my arm or leg, because I keep placing his hands there, but going as far as stroking my arm? That's rare. And let's just forget touching me anywhere else. Even after last weekend, when he saw me nude and we slept in the same bed: Still, he might place a hand on me, but not stroke or pet me.

And I can understand his reluctantness to some extent: I "belong" to another man (as far as I belong to anyone other than myself), and on top of that he's feeling uncertain of what my limits are. This is all fine and good, and I appreciate the respectful attitude. However, I have taken his hand and placed it several places on my body (which was, concidering the above quote and my explanations further up, a damn hard thing to do). I have asked him to touch me on several occations (no easier, I'm telling you). I have explisitly given him permission to touch me. We have talked about limits (and where mine are) repeatedly. And yet he hesitates.

What am I to make of that? What other conclusion may I draw, other than that he doesn't enjoy touching me. He doesn't like how I look or feel. He desires that I touch him, and do unto him all the terrible and wonderful things that he craves, but can't stand the tought of touching me other than when he's specifically instructed to do so. And even then, he makes the contact brief. What other conclusion is there to be drawn?

After having showered with him last night, again without him showing much initiative, I asked him this very question. He was suprised and confused, and again reassured me that he was only shy. That he didn't want to impose. I told him that such an explanation might be enough for a while, but not after I have repeatedly given him permission to touch me. It just doesn't add up. After that talk, he became more attentive and willing to touch me. I worry that it might just be a phase, brought on by my "rebukes", and that it will fade in time. I hope I'm wrong.

He claimes to find me attractive and sexy, a claim I can brush of even easier than the claims others make, as he's terrible at giving compliments. They are few, far between usually worded in such a way that they will appear just the opposite if I look at them sideways.  Most importantly, I think, is his shyness (or lack of desire for me?) means that he speaks very little. He mostly only answers when spoken to, and rarely voluntaires any information on his own. This has gotten better over the last few weeks, and I think it has to do with trust and him feeling at ease in my presence. He's more talkative now than he used to be. Still, I have to keep fishing to find out what goes on in his mind. He's rarely, unsolicited, said anything nice about my body. (He sais he's glad we started playing and that he's pleased with what I do to him and that I'm pleasant to be around, but that's not the same thing at all.)

In good moments, I believe (or at least try to belive) that some people might find me attractive, or sexy even. But those moments are rare and far between. The majority of the time, I keep battling myself, and feeling slightly skitzophrenic about it: One part of me wants to believe people, wants to accept what people say to me as the truth, and doesn't want to interpret every silence or turn of phrase as something negative. That part is willing to accept that some people might find me attractive, that in the right outfit I can be sexy. And yet, most of the time this side of me is loosing. I rarely get compliments from strangers, certainly never on any part of my body or appearance. I never get flirted with by men I meet outside, no one ever tries to pick me up unless they know I can provide a service (dominance) that they can't get easily anywhere else.

The other part of me knows that I'm undesirable, ugly, fat, pale, flappy and unsexy. It knows that no person in their right mind would look at me and like what they see, though they might be willing to stand it if they knew there was something in it for them. It knows that no one would get turned on by me (as in: how I look. Not what I do.). And that because I'm fat and ugly, it's impossible to find clothing that looks good on me (or even fits properly), so I can't even dress down the worst parts and thus make my situation better. Most of the time, this side is winning, and the other side is just a voice I hear in the back of my head. It tries to protest against my negative thoughts, but mostly it gets ignored or overrun.

That negative side of me thinks it's a miracle that anyone want to hang out with me at all, let alone make out with me or have a relationship with me. And because these facts are so unbelievable, this side searches for explanations (and in some cases, my positive side claims, the negative side doesn't search, it makes them up) to make sense of these unbelievable observations. As it can't be the way I look, it must be something else. And so we are back at the beginning of this blog entry, and I've come full circle.

Confidence = Dominance?

I found another blog entry that really made me think. Click here to read the whole text It's Lab Coats & Lingerie, a blog worth checking out.
"Accepting exchanged power, without ever feeling in control, is not dominating." 
Is that true? To some extent, I believe it is. If you don't feel in control, and yet you are attempting to control another person, you are not dominating. You are acting. The other person might not know that you are, if you are good, but that doesn't make it dominance. It's just make-belief.

Yet I believe that you CAN feel in control, and be dominating, without feeling confident about everything. For example, I'm generally quite confident in my skills as a dominant. I believe I'm fairly good at reading the people I play with, I'm fairly confident with light bondage etc. But that doesn't mean I'm confident in every respect, all the time. To say that doms might never feel uncertain, would be to claim that we aren't human.

You could admit to being afraid or worried or nervous, but if you want your sub to let go and go into "sub mode", I don't think you could make such admittances during play. Beforehand or after, sure, but not during. And so we act as though we are in supreme control, super-confident about everything. But sometimes, we might think "shit! what just happened?!?" (like when Tight seemed to have fainted on me while we were playing), or "omg, I really hope this works!" (like when Mondage had a big, vibrating egg up his ass and we had real trouble getting it back out). But we try our best not to show it to the sub, because indicating that we are uncertain or not as in control as they think we are, means they can't let themselves go as much. After all, the joy of being a sub is the joy of knowing that someone else is taking responsibility for some parts of you for a while. It means the sub can let go, and just enjoy the ride. And if he feels that he can't trust you to manage the situation you're putting him in, he can't let go as much or as easily.

That's what position of authority, no matter if it's in BDSM or in the work place, is based on: You act supremely confident and never let your subordinates think otherwise. It's about trust. If you aren't confident, your subordinates won't trust you to do the job. Ofcourse, the difference between a work place and a BDSM relationship, is that in BDSM that position of authority disappears/is lessened when you aren't playing. This means that doms should be able to talk things through with their subs afterwards, to exchange experiences and show their more fragile and uncertain sides.

Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject? Can uncertain, nervous, worried people still be doms? Can you feel less than 100% in control and still dominate? I'd appreciate other people's input. :)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Musings on responsibility and power

Pretty close to a year ago, I wrote this blog entry. Now, almost exactly a year later, I could have written that same entry again, or something close to it. Corvus struggles with the decision I made to no longer play seriously with him. And because I know he's struggling, and there's very little I can do to help him, I struggle too. I'm sad and moody, because I care so much for him. I want him to be ok, want him to be happy, and right now it's kind of my fault that he isn't. That pains me.

When is it ok for me to say: No, I don't want to do this. Not to you, and not to us. No, I don't think it's safe, no I don't dare to take on this responsibility anymore. A sub always has a safeword. When can I use mine, and not be called a coward?

Because as a dom, I'm given a huge amount of responsibility for the other party. I know they are, deep down, still responsible for themself, but this game we play with power pushes that responsibility down and hides it from view. It's still there as a safety mechanism. I don't think any sub in a healthy relationship would jump off a cliff if the dom told him to. But the sub would do SO many things, that might or might not be harmful or problematic, if given the command at the right time when he's in the right mindset. And a dom can get the sub into almost any mindset she wants. It's scary, that responsibility. That power.

Usually, I'm a big fan of power. It turns me on, even. But when I'm no longer sure if what I'm doing is right and good, when I don't know what consequences my actions could have... Then that responsibility, that power, scares me. And not in a good way. That's part of the reason why I've said no. I couldn't articulate this before, even to myself, but writing about it has helped. Writing usually helps.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Three BDSM sessions in one night

What a night! Tight and I have been playing as often as we've been able. Which so far has meant twice per week. After the hugely attended munch a couple of weeks ago, he came here to visit me the following Friday. Then there was another munch this week, in which we also played. And then there was tonight. And what a night! Nothing we've done previously can compare to this evening.

To me, BDSM is about a combination of three things: Humiliation, pain and pleasure. These three may ofcourse be achieved in various ways, one of my favorite methods being bondage. But bondage in itself I view only as a tool, a means to an end, not the end itself. Tonight, we had three sessions, one session for each main "theme" if you like.

The first one was about humiliation. This is a topic we've just started to explore. I can't push him very far yet, but I AM pushing him. He's already doing things he never thought he would (like being naked in front of people at the BDSM club). During this session, I gave him his birthday gift: A collar. To me, collars are intensely personal, and it's a strong symbol. It means I'm no longer "concidering" him. He's mine now. We have still to determine exactly what that means, as it's still very much an evolving relation.. But there is no doubt in either of us that he is my sub now, and that's how we want it to be.

The second one was about pain. Also a fairly new thing for him. Like I mentioned perviously: He can't handle much pain and is obviously not familiar with how to deal with it. He's gotten much better in just the last couple of weeks, and this time I gave him an good old-fashioned spanking. Warmed him up first, using my hand and a suede leather flogger. Then switched to a wooden paddle and a riding crop. He got fairly sore, but he's a long way from any serious bruising. With anyone else, I'd call it a fairly light spanking. With him, it was really impressive how much he could handle. He ushed himself beyond what he's done before, and I'm very proud of him.

He fell into subspace from the pain, which is a good thing... The scary thing was it happened so quickly, I wonder if he might have blacked out for a second. His body just dropped, couldn't support himself, he grew pale and his breathing shallow. He quickned somewhat shortly thereafter, and I untied him, got him on the floor and let him stay in subspace until he surfaced on his own. He was ok and had no recollection of the event that I just described... And so I'm still not sure what to make of it.

The third session was supposed to be about pleasure... However, I discovered when I was touching his dick and balls that he is actually turned on by pain down there. The guy who can't handle pain anywhere else is actually turned on when I squeeze and pinch his dick and balls..! Fascinating! He still doesn't get hard, but claims it's a mental block because we don't know eachother that well yet and he's still not relaxed enough in my presence. I don't really mind, I don't have much use for his dick anyway. It's clear from his reactions that he's getting horney, so I take it I'm doing something right, even if he doesn't get hard.

I've wanted to explore CBT (cock and ball torture) before, but never had a victim that I trusted/was close enough to AND who actually enjoyed it and wanted it. Sure, I've threated and used a bit of nails and teeth, but it's not the same with someone actually enjoying it. To my surprise (not sure why I was surprised though) I got really, really turned on by it. Once I think about it, it's fairly logical. It combines three things I like and that turns me on: Power. Taboo/breaking a social norm (which is why for example face slapping turns me on so much). And pain. I love hurting people who want me to hurt them, I really do. That in itself is a huge turn on. The others are just enhancers. (Yeah, I know... I'm a freak.)

I hadn't expected these first couple of weeks to bring me anything I hadn't tried before. I thought it would be mostly getting him up to my level, in terms of what he dares to try and is able to handle. I was obviously wrong: CBT is new to me. Once the session finished, we were both grinning from ear to ear and loudly agreed we HAD to try this again. He didn't really know this was such a huge turn on for him, and I didn't know it would be such a big turn on for me. We both discovered something new, and now that we've had a taste,  we both want more of the same.

Forgotten to log

I forgot to tell this blog that me and T had sex at the 1st of January, on a mini-cruise to Kiel. I don't think I've ever had sex on a boat before.

Also, Corvus has been here a couple of times these last few weeks. He's doing terrible, which isn't really news anymore, as he's mostly always doing pretty badly. The news is that he's finally agreed that seeing someone professional about it (a psycologist or something) is a good idea. Hoping he'll follow through on that, and not just sink into oblivion again.

I told him that even though I love playing with him, he's simply too sick these days. I get very little from doing it, as I never know what kind of mood he'll be in next time or even have any idea when "next time" will be. He's often not answering his phone and just going under ground. Also, it's difficult for me to switch between the dom role and the role of mental health care taker. It's difficult and frustrating to try to keep a BDSM thing going when he's in such a state, and when there's no sense of continuity. This was basically just stating, in clear words, what has been the case for months and months. Sure, he's had ups and downs, but in total he's been going downwards for over a year. (I worry it's my fault, at least partially, but everyone around me keeps telling me it's not.)

Ofcourse I worry about him now. Worry how he's taking this. I still want to be his friend. To cuddle and pet him and support him through what is bound to be a difficult time ahead. I want to be there for him. I want to hold him and hug him and give him advice and generally be everything that I possibly can be. Because I care so much for him, that hasn't changed. I'm just not sure if he's able to see it that way. I worry he's going to get even more depressed now, and this time it WILL be my fault.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A huge munch and a great play session, boding well for the future

This night has just been fantastic. There was a munch at my local BDSM club tonight, and there was a pre-munch meeting with a youth BDSM group. In the pre-munch meeting we were 25-30 people, which is a record for that group. Very, very good attendance. And at the munch we were over 80 people! Usually, we say it's a very well attended munch if there's 40... So yeah, great to see so many new people comming to our BDSM club at the start of 2012. It bodes well for this year, I think.

If that had been it, I would still have called it a great night. If only for the amount of people and the exhitement and athmosphere. That's far from all though.

I played with a guy today for the first time. I'm naming him Tight, because that's how he likes it. Nice and tight and snug, with as little room to wriggle as possible. He's also a relatively small man, with a lot of fun in a tight little body. He's a bondage fetishist, with a couple of other fetishes thrown in. He's a submissive, with very little experience when it comes to pain. We were thrown together by a friend of ours at a BDSM christmas party a couple of weeks ago, but Tight had to leave early. What little we had time for was fun boded well (hmm... a lot of "boding" tonight... ) for future play, so we agreed to meet again at the munch tonight.

Due to the stuff I wrote about earlier this winter I was very keen on actually getting some real playing done. I was looking so much forward to this munch, I had started to worry that I might have been putting to much into this, and T was trying to cool me down. Telling me he might not even show, that he might be too busy, that we might not match as well as I think etc. Didn't help much though. I KNOW all these things, but I so, so, SO wanted to play with someone again.

He came to the munch, he had time and we did match as well as I thought. At least that's the verdict so far. You can't say anything for sure after one session, but I think this (yes, here it comes again) bodes well. He's the kind of guy who likes to take things slow, so this is not "my new sub" or anything like that. Not yet, anyhow. We have, however, agreed that this evening was great, and that we want to do it again sometime soon.

What makes him different from most of the others I've played with these past months is... Well, first of all it's how we communicate. He's not the most extrovert person, so he doesn't say much that I don't specifically ask for.. However, his body language speaks tons. Tonight, I felt as though I could read him like an open book. That spark, that connection that I was missing when I wrote Cravings, I felt that it was present. At least to some extent.

Secondly, he comes with very few catches. Very few hooks attached. At least that I've found so far. He's not in a demanding relationship, he's not living far away, he's not looking to start dating me.. Though yes, like most of the previous people I've had any sort of association with, he's a practical sort of guy, a handy-man and not an academic. Though as opposed to those other people, he's not politically in stark opposition with me, which is a good thing. He also seems less depressed/mentally troubled than the other people I've played seriously with. He's craving BDSM, but he's not one of the desperate, needy subs. Not a worm, though I'm not sure I'd call him a lion either.

Another very interesting aspect of tonight was my reactions to all of this. When I'm playing "casually", and my head's not in the game, I don't react physically to what I'm doing. I don't get turned on. And even when I'm in the other play mode, where I'm trying to take it more serious, I still need a true connection to make it work. With people I've played with this fall, like Larpy and Mouse, or even Winnie, I've tried to have a serious session.. An it's nice enough, but there's no connection, no spark. And thus I don't REALLY get turned on by it either. Sure, I react to seeing a guy obviously please by what I do, but it's not quite the same.

When I hear Covus moan in pain, or pleasure and pain combined, I get really turned on. It's become an almost instant reaction (and a too rare one, these days). Fascinatingly, my reactions to Tight were in the same ballpark. Not as strong or as instant, but I wouldn't expect that for a first session. But simply the fact that I AM turned on by playing with him, is a really good sign (see what I did there? No boding :P ). Now, this MIGHT just be because it's been quite some time since I did something like this, and I was getting desperate... I don't know.

I didn't do anything with him that was "out of the ordinary" tonight. He had brought a straight jacket, so I put it on him, tied his feet together, and then sat tickling his nose with the end of a rope while he was trying to answer my fairly serious questions. That was all innocent fun, and a nice bit of "foreplay". We then went to a somewhat more secluded spot, where I tied him up. Ancles, thighs, chest, upper arms, lower arms and wrists were all tied to the wall. Then I just petted, tickled, stroked, pinched and scratched him. Like I usually do the first time I play with someone, my goal was to judge his reactions and body language. I also hit him a bit, both with a soft flogger and with a wooden paddle. He doesn't handle pain well, but I think it's mostly from lack of practice.

His reactions were special, and that made this extra fun. I actually managed to drive him into sub-space, or at least that's what I think it was. I don't think I've ever had anyone go in there, certainly not so easily. It was fun, and it gave me a real confidence boost, as I suppose that means I'm doing something right.

I'm really looking forward to playing with him again. I'll keep you posted. :)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Some blog statistics

In total, since I started this blog in May 2009, the blog has been viewed 3 706 times. This past month, I've had a staggering 491 views.

The top 10 sites viewed most often (in all time) are these:
1. Spontantious sex, planned bondage, 186 times
2. BDSM weekend, 162 times
3. Answer to Maymay: On being bondage furniture, 159 times
4. Humiliation and chastity, 44 times
5. Cravings, 31 times
6. A recomendation, 28 times
7. Another toy on trial, 18
8. Dominant women: Where are they?,16 times
9. Unable to express myself (that's a first!), 14 times
10. Philosophical musing: Breaking and self-harm, 13 times

Notice that marked drop in views after the first three. What does this tell me? First of all, that the words I use in my titles are really, really important. "BDSM weekend" is in fact one of the top things people Google that leads them to me. Secondly, this teaches me that linking to other bloggers helps (like in number 3, 6 and 8 up there), and refering to them in the title helps even more. Especially when the blogger is very well known.

Another thing I notice is that a suprising number of posts from 2011 (even late 2011) are on that top 10 list. Now I've made A LOT of posts since May 2009. Seeing such latecommers up on that list means either that  2011 has brought me more followers or that I'm becomming more interesting and that gives me more hits somehow. Maybe it's both for all I know.

As for which refering websites generate traffic to my site, these are the most prominent ones. Not many suprises there, I must admit. :) Appart from various Google sites (.com, .no, and strangely .de), these ones were on top:
I'm pretty sure I've planted the link to my site at all of these locations, usually by leaving a comment on something and refering back to my site. I was rarely trying to get more traffic to my blog, though. I was usually just commenting on something or refering to the blog to avoid re-posting stuff on several sites. Still, it's nice to see more people stopping by here. :)

As for where in the world people are comming from, Norway is first and the USA is on second place. No suprise there, seeing as most of my refering sites are blogs written by Americans and I'm Norwegian. Still, there were some suprises further down the list...
The top 10 countries (all time):
Norway 1 307
USA 982
Canada 531
Great Britain 273
Germany 174
Australia 46
Sweden 34
Netherlands 28
Italy 25
Switzerland 22
I mean.. Switzerland?!? If you are from Switzerland and reading this, please leave a comment and say "hi". I'd love to know you actually exists, and aren't just a search bot or something. :)

That rounds off this evenings blog statistics summary. All these numbers are taken from Bloggers own statistics tool, which is built in to their blogging system. I tried using Google Analytics, but apparently I'm not savvy enough to get it to work properly.