Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Defining myself and my kink
You might not think so, but I really am. And in my mind, seen over a long time, it's fairly 50/50.
In reality, at least in the last five years or so, I've been 100% dominant. And although I occationally feel the desire to submit, to play with that side of me, most of the time it doesn't bother me.
In my mind, I have a mental "container" that needs to be filled with BDSM regularly. If I don't get BDSM, I'll survive but my life gets more boring and bland. I really feel the lack. However, both dominance and submission fits into that container. I don't need both, all the time, I just need SOME form of BDSM. So as long as I "get my fill", it doesn't matter if I do it has a submissive or as a dominant.
I enjoy different things when I'm a sub versus when I'm a dom. Power, however, is a common theme. I enjoy playing with power, who's really in controll etc. Also, it's all about the sub. Always. I enjoy pleasing the sub (or get pleasure, if the sub is me). This "guilt free" pleasure is one of the best things with BDSM, in my opinion. By that, I mean that the sub doesn't get any other choice. He/she can't reciprocate, and isn't expected to. And so there is no feeling of "I should be doing X, Y and Z" or "Does she think I'm too passive now..?". No insecurity, just pleasure.
And that's probably what I miss the most, when I'm just a dom and never a sub. As a sub, I could just lean back and recieve. I knew it would be all about me. And I knew the dom would enjoy it too. But most of the time, the rush of power when I strap someone in and tell them exactly what I'm going to do to them.. That rush is so great, and it's such a great turn on, being a sub is the furthest from my mind.
Like I said, it's all about power. When I'm the dom, I love manipulating the sub. Putting him in the state of mind that I want, making him horney or apprehensive or scared even. Turning him on, knowing how "high" the rush is taking him and mixing up all the right ingredients to get the result I want. It's like playing a piano, with the sub as the instrument. Or cooking, adding a hint of that and a splash of that, and leaving it to bake for juuuust long enough.
So yeah, that's what BDSM is to me. That's what I love about it, who I am, how I define myself. In a somewhat rambling and disjointed manner. :P
Generating Contents
I still see Tight approximately once every two weeks. He's started topping another friend of ours (Flower), and occationally I worry that he's slipping away from me. But most of the time I'm happy for him, and I trust that the fun we have with eachother is enough to keep him interested.
I see War occationally (once since the last entry). And ofcourse there's T, my husband who works kind of like glue.. He holds my life together when I feel like I'm cracking up. Don't know how I could do without him.
The NEED to blog usually only pops up when there's something new, or something difficult. Something I'm struggling with or thinking about a lot, and need to get off my chest. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts and make sense of them. So my life is in kind of a lull. Not in a particulary bad way, but still a lull. I don't have much energy to do anything about it either. Most of my energy is sucked out by work. I started working out a few months ago, but haven't worked out at all in November. This is due to the same lack of energy. Hopefully, it'll get better over the hollidays.
So, to have something to fill my blog, I will steal this idea from Unrepentant Fatty: 30 Days of Kink.
Ofcourse, there's no way in hell I'll be able to do it in 30 days. I don't blog that often. But it gives me a topic to write ABOUT, whenever I feel like blogging. And it might help you to get to know me better, which wouldn't hurt either. :P
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Permitting myself to be bad
And so I've been exploring War's limits a bit more and trying to push him into speaking his mind and standing up for himself. He's developped a lot over the past few weeks. It's not just me getting to know him, but him getting to know himself. It's strange to be with a guy who's 15 years my senior, and still be the most experienced one by far.
Among the things I've done with him is letting him try out a blindfold (on himself and later on me), play-wrestling, throwing popcorn at him and other light teasing, plenty of manual and oral petting and teasing. Last time, I figured out how he worked enough to make him come. The first time always feels like an accomplishment, even though I've been doing these things for years.. Making a guy come (with hands or mouth) makes me feel proud and happy with myself. Like I've won, somehow. It might be a power thing, again. :P
Fooling around with him is fun. The physical contact feels good and trying to help him get over his ex and move on makes me feel good. But it's not all a dance on roses though. He's so... Nice! He's kind and empathic and careful.. And a complete push-over. Seriously, his previous relationship completely broke his sense of self-esteem. He's SO easy to manipulate, SO easy to make him do whatever I want. And that would be fine, if it didn't feel like I was kicking a defenseless kitten. There is nothing bad in him, he never speaks back or even makes me feel bad. And so I try my best to be good to him. Try to be as kind as he deserves. Because he's such a great guy.
I'm not kind, though. Sometimes, sure, but not all the time. I'm not soft, and cuddly and nice. I'm rough and hard and occationally violent. And I revel in it. Being with War feels like I'm a frisky horse that wants to gallop, but I have to be held back to a slow walk. Reighns sawing at my mouth, head reared back and I'm struggling and struggling. I know I have to take it slow, I know I have to go easy and be soft and nice. And I'm able to do that for a while. It's fine. But what I REALLY want to do is stretch my neck and run.
So this weekend is something I've really been looking forward to: Finally I got some time with Tight again. We were supposed to play last weekend, but he was exhausted from working so much overtime. I understood that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the things I'd planned, he'd be better served with going home and getting some sleep. And so I, altruistically, sent him home. Because I am good to the people I care about, be that a sub or just a friend, despite what I just said above. I can be good to them, it's just that I want to be bad too, often at the same time.
This weekend, finally I can be bad. Yesterday was probably the quickest, and most intense, session I've had in months... If ever. I'd planned it carefully, dressed in dark clothes, turned off the lights on the porch.. And when Tight was walking towards the hourse, I hid behind a car and ambushed him. I pulled a black pillow-cover over his head, and he got really spooked. I could almost hear his heart racing. By the time I got the cuffs on him, he knew it was me and had started to get exhited, but the adrenaline from the ambush was still coarsing through his veins. A few rounds of duck tape on the outside of the pillow-cover made sure his eyes were closed and he couldn't get the cover off.
I manhandled him inside, pushed him to his knees inside the door and started undressing him. He was kneeling, his hands cuffed to his back, a sack over his head, leaning his forehead on the floor, his ass in the air. I could hear his breath, quick breathing, almost moaning. It got faster and more exhited when I leant on his back and held him down. Outer clothes off, I threw him on the bed and undressed him further. Only wearing socks and the sack on his head, I removed the cuffs and duck taped his wrists together in the front. Duck tape on his ancles as well, and more on his head to keep the sack on and away from his nose and mouth so he could breathe... Then I taped his mouth shut.
And the rest of the play, which probably didn't last more than 30 minutes, was even more intense. He couldn't see me, couldn't speak, and all other senses were straining. I made sharp noises in the air around him, a clap, a snap. He startled, and moaned, more adrenaline was released by his brain. A bit scared, and very exhited. I kept him shivering, suddenly touching his tose, his shoulder, his dick. When I felt that he was close to hyperventilating or otherwise felt he needed to calm down, I placed a hand on his stommack. He knew I ment for him to breathe deeply, to take it easy.
One of the most amazing things with this session was that we didn't have to speak much. I always speek with my playthings. I check that they are ok, I ask them questions, probably more than they want me to. But last night just went SO well. It flowed. I felt I knew him, and he knew me, enough that a simple touch, a sound or a small nod, was enough. And even though he couldn't see me, he trusted me enough to see those signals. When my hand stayed on his stommack once, he gave me a small nod. Signaling that he was ok, we could go on. Such a small thing, and that kind of thing makes ALL the difference.
And that's why I pushed him further this time. I'd already warned him that I would be fucking with his mind. And I knew he'd had a recent experience with some edge play (not with me), that he'd really liked. I wouldn't have done what I did, if I didn't feel as sure as I could be that he would be ok. Still, it was scary for the both of us, and we discussed it carefully afterwards.
He felt something cold and straight and fairly heavy placed accross on his stommack. I told him it was a knife. I made sure he was lying still, talked to him carefully and made sure he wouldn't get spooked or make any sudden moves. I touched the edge of the knife to his shoulder. To his chest. To his thigh. Even to his dick. I didn't press hard, I didn't drag it accross the skin. At the end, I lay on top of him, made him hold his breath and held the knife to his throat.
And he loved it.
Ofcourse, I'm WAY too careful to spring something like knife play on someone unannounced. First of all, we haven't discussed it much. Secondly, I don't know enough about knives or what would be safe and what wouldn't to EVER use a sharp knife on someone for fun. He THOUGHT he'd been subject to knife play. And in a way he had... I'd never lied. But where he'd imagined something like this nasty thing on the right:
What I'd really used was something I wouldn't have been able to hurt him with even if I'd tried. Something that is less dangerous than a fork. A knife like this on the left. It's not sharp, it's not pointy, the only thing it has going for it is that it's hard. The fork is probably more dangerous.
But it wasn't about what I really was using, it was about what he THOUGHT I was using. Afterwards, I showed him the real knife and we talked it over. So now he knows. I'll probably not be able to pull the same stunt again, but it was worth it.
All in all, a very intense start to a very good weekend. It's been way too long since I've been able to ambush, scare and abuse someone like this. And I've been loving every second of it. It's good to be bad. :)
Monday, August 13, 2012
A game of cards and a walk in the woods
It was fun. He was less timid this time. Needed less coaching and luring to actually speak his mind. The best part was when we play-wrestled. You see, I try to make him more able to stand up for himself. And I wanted to prove that women aren't made of glass. Both works. After enough teasing and struggling, I actually managed to (provoke him to) get back at me. And when he did, he had no trouble defeating me, which was the point I wanted to make all along. :)
Sunday (two days ago) I finally saw Tight again, after over three weeks appart. We took a walk in the woods, found a secluded spot, and had our very first outdoor bondage- and play-session. It was great fun, though I would have prefered having more time. Leaving earlier in the day, perhaps, and bringing some food and such so we can have breaks. As it was, he eventually got too cold, and the mosquitoes too bothersome. By then, I'd pushed him into subspace twice. Both by tying him up, with a gag and blindfold, and telling him "I'm leaving now". He KNEW deep down that I wouldn't do that, but it triggered some fear in him. Pushing those buttons was scary, but interesting, and we both agree we'll do it again.
I took some pictures while he was tied to a tree. This is probably the most shoddy bondage I've done in years, but it did what it was supposed to do. Quick and dirty. Oh, and btw: He is tied firmly. The ground sloped towards the base of the tree, so that was as far back as he could get his leggs and still be somewhat comfortable.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Accepted
I was at a con this weekend, and last night there was an after-party. As today was a work day for most people, by 3 o'clock not many were left and T convinced me to go home with him. I didn't want to leave, I was really enjoying myself and loved the company I was in. However, I went with him, because I knew (objectivly) that he was right, even though I didn't want that to be true (subjectivly).
On the way home I thought a lot about why I had enjoyed myself so much. I usually don't like parties, where people are drunk and the music is loud and I typically go home early. What made this night different?
I think the answer was that for perhaps the very first time, ever, I felt truly safe and accepted and welcome at a party. The typical people I party with are either BDSM people, where BDSM is in focus and where there is usually a lot of people I don't know or don't want to know. It's a different kind of environment, and I usually focus on my sub. Or I party with LARP people, where I don't know that many people either. Now, at the party last night, there were fewer people which helped me feel safer. But I didn't really know any of them that well, so this explanation can't be the whole truth.
Another important piece of the puzzle is how I was treated last night versus how I usually get treated. I get the impression that many people see me, and remember/think of the girl I was when I was 19-20 and first got to know them. I'm not that girl anymore. However, first impressions stick and I sometimes still get the feeling that people.... Look down on me. Or simply tolerate my prescence. They have enough of a crowd around them, people they know well and like. I am accepted as part of the periphery, but not particulary welcomed. Not actively included. Not appreciated.
And yeah, I know I'm weird. I was more socially inept when I was 19, but I'm still not exactly a social camelion. I go my own way a fair bit, and stand out. The people I was with last night, from the con, they are used to people who are social oddballs. You would have to be, to work at a con. Many of those who've organised the con over the years are really, really weird. Weirder than me, I think. That social scene is more accepting, more tolerant, of weirdness. And so I don't feel so weird or different from others.
Also, I've only seen these people about a weekend once per year. Yes, they still get a first impression, but that first impression doesn't get much time to stick. This means they don't see me as my 19-year-old-self. They see me now. An adult. An equal. It's a nice feeling. And when they were playing a game, taking turns, and started to include me, I felt really welcome. Not just tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. It was a nice feeling.
The fact that I felt so socially safe with those guys (there were no women left that late at night), gave me a warm glow inside. It made me happy. I drank more last night than I usually do (typically I don't drink at all), because I felt safe. Secure.
T was there, but where I usually cling to him for assurance and support (usually not litteral clinging, but mentally), I stood much more on my own two feet last night. I'm glad he was there, but I didn't need his help or comfort like I typically do. I also had War there, whom I did cling to a bit, but that's just because we are flirting. He's nice, in a harmless sort of way, and I like hanging out with him.
So yeah, last night was very good. I felt accepted, included and welcomed, for being me. Not welcomed because I'm a dom (like I sometimes feel in the BDSM scene), or tolerated because I'm T's girlfriend (like I usually feel in the LARP scene). Liked for being me. Treated as an adult, and seen as a positive contribution to a group.
Accepted.
I loved that.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Cock bondage and sensory deprivation
Sunday, Tight came over. I hadn't played with him for two weeks, and was getting restless. He wasn't quite in the right headspace, too much private stuff going on in his life these days. I tried to distract him as best as I could, and although he definitly enjoyed himself, I felt as though he wasn't all "there". Not much I can do about that, really, other than work with what I have.
He'd asked if we could try something I'd posted in my Tumblr stream, and I was happy to comply. Using only ropes, I placed him in a hogtie similar to this (illustration picture):
He loved it. After gaging and blindfolding him, I just sat there and listened to him moan. It was lovely. Ofcourse, a hogtie might be great for the sub, but it does eventually get a bit bornig for me. He's lying on all the good bits, after all. So I turned him around, still tied, and teased him for a while. Later on, we tried a similar position, but with the legs together.
After a break, we went back and played some more. He was getting pretty worn out, so I placed him on his side in a fetal position. Tied his legs together, his arms together and attached to the legs. A rope from his collar and down to his legs forced his neck down and in. Gag and blindfold, as before. However, for the first time I also tried removing another sense: His hearing. I made him listen to music, which didn't remove all sense of the outside world, but dulled the outside world to a pont where it could more easily be ignored. I had him listen to the sountrack to the new Jessie James movie, made by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. It's lovely, calm instumental music. No distubing vocals anywhere.
Not having slept much the previous night, Tight fell asleep. He was SO adorable lying there. :) I didn't let him sleep for long. It was good to know he can relax that much in bondage that he actually falls asleep, even when he's wrapped up like a package.
On Wednesday, I'm bringing Tight to the dentist. He hasn't been to a dentist for many, many years, and his teeth are looking worse for wear. He needs them checked, and hopefully fixed. He really doesn't like dentists, so he needs my push to actually be able to go. I booked the appointment for him, and I'm comming with him. He is mine, and just like I would take a horse to the vet if it was sick, I feel a responsibility towards Tight as well. One takes care of one's property, after all. :)
Transfer complete
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Changing accounts
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Sub = fuck toy (fun for me, not as fun for him)
The strap-on hasn't seen it's intended use yet. Tight just isn't well enough, and we have realised his ass need some serious training before it can handle anything that large. We played last weekend, and reached a new first: He was able to come with something up his ass. Previously, it's been too much of a distraction to do any good. He also told me that he sometimes struggles to come because he feels ashamed or self-concious. I want to work on that, perhaps by taking away more controll from him.
We have used it for something else, though. I tied Tight down on the bed, with a blindfold and gag, and put the strap-on on him. His dick wasn't locked away, and it was getting a bit in the way. I worked around it, though, wrapping it in a towel and shoving it out in away. Then I rode the strap-on until I had a great orgasm. He didn't get to see, he didn't get any real pleasure from it, all he got was my thighs straddling him and the sounds of my orgasm. He was my sex-matrass, my toy to use as I wished. Will absolutely do that again.
I am getting somewhat frustrated these days, though. There seems to never be enough time for anything. Even when we have a whole afternoon and evening, it's typically 6 or 7 pm before we even get started. We can't be any quicker either, we need to work and eat after all. By 10 or 11 pm we are usually pretty tired and ready to sleep. And those are the good days. Mostly, we don't have the time to see eachother. Spring is always a busy time for me, and this year more than ever. I'm doing school stuff, applying for jobs, trying to work fulltime-ish and planning my wedding all at the same time. That doesn't leave much time for BDSM...
What I want is what I see in the pictures on my Tumblr stream. I want submission, closeness, him giving himself to me. When we do have time together, I usually just default to teasing and sexual stuff, because it's easier and more immediatly pleasurable (at least for me). So I'm just a Top, not a Dom. A somewhat controlling and demanding Top, true... :P But still... I want that submission, the giving and recieving. Soon.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
New toys
It's been a while since I updated this blog, but not much has happened. Tight has been sick for ages. One thing relieving the other. His back, his eye, his mouth, his back again, his stommack etc... It's getting silly, how much that guy is getting sick these days. His back is still touchy, and can't take much manhandling. So a lot of the really fun activities I have planned, have been postponed indefinitly. Well.. Not indefinitly, but untill his back gets better. And we have no clue when that will be.
In the mean time, he's been paying off his (monetary) debt to me by buying me sex toys. Not the usual vibrating kind, but stuff more geared towards BDSM. Stuff I told him to get me, obviously. First, we bought a strap-on dildo. I already have a harness that I wan't to try out, but if it doesn't work (I got it terribly cheap a few years back), I'll buy a proper one myself. The second thing he bought for me (to use on him) was nipple clamps. These are horrible, wonderful little bity things. With small weights attatched. Lovely. Those, we've already tried out, and we both love them. :)
I'm really looking forward to tying Tight down and giving that ass of his a good fucking. His back isn't well enough for that yet, he's all tight (haha) everywhere. Including in his ass. So no, not yet, but it'll happen sometimes soon, I hope. I long to do this so much, that it's even affecting the kind of pictures I share on my Tumblr. T is accusing me of becoming very single-minded. The majority of my re-posted pics are of men, tied down in positions that makes them easy to fuck. And men getting fucked. :P
What can I say? I'm the kind of woman who knows what she wants. :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
Interviewed by Dishevelled Domina
I've followed her blog for several months, perhaps close to a year, and would greatly recomend it. She also has a wonderful Tumblr feed with pictures of BDSM relations where the man is on the bottom. She rarely, if ever, posts typical porn pictures of femdom, but in stead focuses on the man and the act of submitting. Which is straight up my alley, too. :)
Inspired by her Tumblr feed, I started my own. First, it was just a way of gathering pictures that I could use to tease my previous sub, Corvus, and from these humble beginnings it got it's name: Heels for the Raven. As that relationship went south, I kept maintaining my tumblr feed. In stead of pictures of heels and corsets, meant for somebody else, I started filling it with stuff that I found interesting. I think this was healthy for me: To focus more on my own desires and needs.
These days, I follow several other Tumblr feeds (Dishevelled Domina's is one of them) and pick my favorites from those to repost. Following Heels for the Raven should give you an idea of what I find sexy, interesting and funny. I post stuff I find inspirational, as well as stuff that simply turn me on. Though I must admit, several times my search for cool pictures to post has been interrupted. I got so turned on by all these pictures, I simply had to go and masturbate.
There are so many beautiful bondage pictures out there, what else is a horney girl to do? :P
Sexyblue
is my next interview. She is 26 years old and from Norway. She is engaged to be
married this year. She had been active in her local scene since she was 18 and
though she started out submitting— these days she mostly dominates.
Here
she is!
-----
How
would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange
preference?
I'm
a woman from Norway, currently living in Oslo, and I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm
engaged to a wonderful man, and I'm lucky enough that he's agreed to let me
play with other people within our set limits. Sexually, I can be both active
and passive, though I'm most used to the active role. I'm very much into
physical closeness and touching. I love to smell and taste and feel the other
person, and love to use my mouth and my hands, both in sex and in BDSM play.
I
consider myself a switch, though these last few years I've been in a very
dominant period, so only this side has been expressed. I'm also quite sadistic,
but it all comes back to control and power, so for me sadism is just a tool in
my domination toolbox. I love bondage, especially with ropes, but again it's
something I do as a means to an end, it's not the end itself. I enjoy several
other BDSM-related activities as well, for example CBT, breath control and
chastity play, among others.
You
said you think of yourself as a switch though you are mostly dominant now. How
do the various power exchange dynamics work for you?
There
are very, very few people that are both interested in being dominant towards me
and whom I trust enough to actually give such power. The result is that I'm
practically never in a submissive role. Luckily, as a switch, I have other
options. I feel that both submission and domination feeds into the same need
for BDSM, and that this need can be satisfied with either one or both of those.
When
I'm the dom, I'm not your stereotypical, leather-wrapped ice-queen. Not only
don't I look the part, but I'm unable to channel that bitch-persona. I love
BDSM. I love playing with a submissive, making him squirm and moan and cry out.
It makes me happy, and so I smile and laugh when I play.
BDSM
is never a 24/7 thing for me, never TPE, the way I understand those terms. I
need to be able to talk to the submissive face-to-face, as equals, before and
after play sessions. If I always had to be in "domination mode" when
I was around the sub, I would not feel comfortable. There are also many areas
of a submissive's life that I have no interest in controlling, like his work or
finances. Even had I been living with the submissive, I doubt I would have
wanted to control those areas of his life. To me, BDSM is an exciting,
thrilling addition to everyday life. A break, of sorts, from the everyday
hustle and bustle. I wouldn't want to be without it.
Compare
your early sexual experiences to sex now. What's the most important thing
you've learned?
Wow,
this brings me back... Well, I started having sex just after turning 16. At
this time, I had both theoretical and practical knowledge of how my own body
worked, having masturbated for a few years and read exhaustively on the subject
of sex and sexuality. As such, I had a very good starting point, and I think
that was important. So physically, even though I have more experience and a
larger... what to call it.. a wider span of sexual activities that I enjoy,
physically the difference isn't huge.
The
main difference is how I think about sex and sexual activities, and how this
thinking actually affects what I do. For example, I talk very openly with my
sexual partners about sex and BDSM, both before sessions and afterwards. And I
demand that they are open and honest with me in return. When I was younger, I
didn't dare make demands in that way. I was never ashamed of my desires, not
even as a young teenager, but these days I'm more honest and upfront about
them. I know what I want now, and I'm not afraid to go out and take it.
Tell
me what it is about submission and domination that appeal to you.
Trust.
Power. Desire. In that order, I think, though that changes with my mood.
I
love that tingling, electrical connection between the dom and sub, when they
trust each other and communicate well. When the sub places his life in my
hands, and lets me have my way with him. He knows that I respect his limits and
has learned to trust me. I love pushing the sub to new heights, slowly and
carefully, enabling the sub to handle more than he ever thought he would. I
love how a relationship develops, and he keeps trusting me more and more. That
trust is a beautiful gift, and the responsibility I'm given makes me humble and
thankful.
I
love the rush of power, when I have a sub under my hands. Unable to stop me
(except by safe-words), perhaps unable to move, or speak, or see. His chest
heaving, nervous and excited, not knowing what I'll do next. My hands covering
his mouth and nose, eye-contact, he doesn't know when (or even if!) I'll let
him breathe again. And yet he trusts me, and lets me do these terrible,
wonderful things to him. That's a rush, and he gets a similar rush, and then
our excitement feeds off each other.
And
desire... Who doesn't love that? Sexy, horny, wet, strong desire. That part
speaks for itself, and I don't think it needs any further explanation.
Would
you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?
Both,
I think.
BDSM,
which is what I name my kink, is something I do. It's a term I use to denote
several, very varied activities that I engage in. But I wouldn't have wanted to
engage in those activities, if I hadn't been kinky to begin with. I used to
think that BDSM was just a thing I did, and that I could stop doing it and be
just as content with my life. This can be the case for some people, but I no
longer think that's true for me. I need BDSM in my life, in some way or form,
to be truly content. As such, kink is something that I am.
What
determines if you are submissive or dominant in a relationship?
A
combination of several variables, most important I think are these three:
1.
What kind of interaction we have and how we "click".
2.
What kind of mood I am in and what I need in my life right then.
3.
Whether the other person is mostly interested in being submissive or dominant.
It's
been so long since I had a relationship where I was sexually the submissive,
it's kind of difficult to write a better answer.
Who
is kinkier, you or your partner?
Me.
My
fiancé enjoys various kinky activities, but I believe that to him it's only
something he does and not something he is. He wouldn't feel that same lack as I
would if I didn't have kink in my life. He is not into the dom/sub-dynamic at
all, which is a big thing for me. He is more of a top, and enjoys
top/bottom-dynamics a lot.
How
do you handle being kinkier than your partner?
It
used to be a problem when we first started seeing each other, but as we've been
together for so many years now, we've worked it out. He is a top, I'm a
sub/dom-switch, and so it's obvious that we don't match 100% in our
BDSM-related desires, but that's not the most important bit.
What's
important to us is that we want a relationship where we always strive to be
equals. He's older than me, good at taking the lead and tend to be proven right
whenever we disagree on things. As such, I'm already inclined to let him decide
stuff and let his opinions weigh the heaviest in many cases. This is not a
tendency we want to encourage. Therefore we do not engage in any kind of
power-play with each other, as we think this would also affect our interaction
in daily life. So we do regular, vanilla sex, of course, but not any BDSM/kink
stuff.
However,
we both want BDSM in our lives. Our solution is to only engage in BDSM-related
activities with other people. We are 100% open with each other about what we do
and with whom, and have negotiated an agreement on what kind of activities we
may and may not engage in with others. As our trust in each other has grown
over the past few years, the agreement has been re-negotiated a few times. We
communicate about what we do, what we want and how we feel, and know that we
have the other person's full support in what we do. That's how we handle it,
and for us this works very well.
Do
you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would
you characterize it?
Yes,
I would say that there is a connection. If only because the society norm is for
women to be submissive and subservient and men to be dominant and controlling.
Female doms go against this norm. To some, that might be challenging. Our
society is more and more accepting of the fact that women can be good leaders
and work well in positions of power, and this helps, but we're not quite there
yet. And for men who wants to be submissive, the battle for acceptance in
mainstream society has a very long way to go.
Most
BDSM scenes struggle with a very unbalanced ratio between male subs and female
doms. Why that is, is a whole other discussion, but this apparent lack of
female doms does fuel a market for more prodoms, more male-oriented BDSM porn
and a lot of really frustrated men. And to some of those, femdom might be all
about them and getting their needs fulfilled, because they've so rarely (if
ever) actually experienced what they desired. These very desperate men might
give femdom a bad reputation, because it becomes all about them, and the women
are seen more as service providers than real individuals.
I
know that some radical feminist groups call BDSM anti-feminist, misogynistic,
even woman-hating. They will even make this claim when the woman is the dom.
And of course if women only engage in the kinky activities to please the men,
sure it can be misogynistic and bad for feminism. However, most women who
engage in BDSM or other kinks do this because THEY want to. Not to please a
man. Isn't that what feminism is all about? That women should be able, and
encouraged, to do whatever they want to do?
The
media image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive.
How has that affected you?
This
might be a cultural matter, because it's my impression that this is more true
for the US than for Norway. To be honest, I don't think that it has affected me
negatively in any conscious manner at all. I'm not even sure if I agree with
you.
In
books and movies (both American and European), you have the "femme
fatale": the dangerous beauty, with an agenda of her own and no scruples
about what needs to be done to reach her goal. And yes, these women are
typically adversaries or work for the bad guys, and as such are not portrayed
in a positive light. However, it's very clear that guys LOVE these women.
Guys
get turned on by women like the character played by Sharon Stone in Basic
Instinct, and why? Because she takes the lead and seduces the male lead (and
she's damn sexy while doing it). Same with the strong female character, played
by Sarah Michelle Gellar, in the movie Cruel Intentions. Famous, not only
because two girls kiss, but because a strong, leading, dominating (and even
manipulating) woman is really, really sexy. Sure, it can also be dangerous, as
men gets so easy to manipulate when they're turned on, but that's a risk most
men seem willing to take. At least in the movie world. As such, even though
these forceful female characters also get some negative publicity, society, at
least the one I've grown up in, has embraced the idea of a strong, seducing,
active woman.
And
so to me, these characters are to be admired. And they do get a fair amount of
admiration, especially from the male part of the population. The fact that it's
so obvious that men admire and desire such women, makes it much easier for me
to seduce men as well. Most women, even today, are somewhat timid and
submissive in the way they flirt. They don't seduce, they sit and wait for a
man to come and seduce them. They don't dare to take control and actually go
after the man they want. Once a woman with some confidence and daring comes
along, the men fall like flies. It's really a woman's market out there, we just
need to take advantage of it.
What
about the cultural message about sexually active or dominant women. What is
your view on that?
Like
I said above, most women still act somewhat reserved around men. Our cultural
norm dictates that men should be the active ones, the hunters, those who take
down their prey. And women should be that prey, passive and waiting for a man's
attention. This is reflected in how men and women talk about sex as well. While
men can brag about how many sexual partners they've had, and how great they are
at picking up women, women can not. I say "can not" because that is
the norm, but that doesn't mean we can't go against the norm. We should, and
many people do.
Women
who brag about their sexual experience or even just speak of enjoying sex and
sexual activities are often called whores or accused of being promiscuous. In
rape cases that goes to court, the woman's sexual promiscuity is often under
scrutiny, as if a sexually active woman can't be raped as much as any virgin
could. Prostitutes who experience rape have huge problems with being taken
seriously, both by the police and in the justice system. Though there are
regional variations, in general the US and Norway are struggling with the same
issues in this regard.
Our
culture is changing, and women have much more sexual freedom today than they
did in the 40s. However, I don't think it's changing fast enough. This is
connected to feminism, obviously, but it's not just a feminist struggle.
Everyone should become more aware of how they are thinking about, and talking
about, sexually active women versus sexually active men. There is no reason why
one should be judged and the other praised.
I'm
trying my best not to let this cultural norm of how women "should" be
affect me too much. But of course it does affect me. For example, I don't tell
my parents or other relatives about my kinky sides. I don't tell them that I've
done fetish- and nude photoshoots, even though I'm damn proud of those
pictures. I don't tell them how engaged I am in the BDSM scene in Norway, even
though I'm proud of the work I do there. I don't tell them, because I'm certain
they wouldn't agree that I have something to be proud of. They wouldn't
understand why I do the things I do, and they would condemn me for it, because
they are stuck with that cultural stereotype of what is right and what is
wrong. I'm not willing to take on that battle with them at this point, and so I
choose to withhold a large part of my life from them. It's easier both for them
and me.
So
I can claim to be as liberated as I want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm a
part of this culture too. It has affected me, and still does. All I can do, is
try to be aware, and to fight it where I dare.
You are involved in a kink community online and in person, how is that experience for you?
The
kink community, specifically the BDSM community, here in Norway is fairly
small. But then Norway only has 5 millon inhabitants, so a small scene is to be
expected. I love going to my local BDSM club, or traveling to other towns to
meet up with kinky people there.
I
see a difference between the generations, at least here in Oslo. Those who are
in their late 40s and older tend to be much more ashamed of their kinky sides,
tend to be more focused on discretion and often have a more stereotypical view
of what BDSM (which they will typically call sadomasochism) should and
shouldn't be. Those who are in their 20s and 30s tend to be more open-minded,
more accepting, less stereotypical, and less hung up on definitions and titles.
Of course I'm speaking generally, there are many exceptions and variations on
this theme.
I
mainly participate in the scene to play, talk about play and get inspired for
more play. Though of course the social part is important as well. Recently, I
started to get interested in the political work as well. The Norwegian State
removed BDSM and fetishism from it's list of mental illnesses a couple of years
ago, a goal that several people have worked for decades to achieve. Now that we
are no longer (officially) seen as sick, doors are starting to open up that
have always been closed before.
Online,
I participate in several forums and sites related to kink. I love getting to
know people, and online communities are a great tool in doing just that. A lot
of people new to BDSM are afraid to meet up with other kinksters in real life.
I enjoy helping those people, talking with them online, perhaps meeting up at a
pub or something, and showing them that just because you're kinky doesn't mean
you have to follow all the porn stereotypes. We are regular people of all
kinds, and nothing to be afraid of.
Does
being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?
Yes,
it energizes me, but it doesn't turn me on.
I'm
very dominant, perhaps even domineering on occasion, in real life. I prefer to
be either a leader or a coordinator of sorts whenever I need to work in a team,
at least when it's a task I care about getting done. I am quick to speak up if
I have something to say, and often end up doing more than my share of the work
because otherwise it wouldn't have gotten done at all... And someone has to do
it. "Someone" is usually me. :P I often speak in public, and I doubt
I have a shy bone in my body, though I absolutely hate to improvise or act,
strangely enough. If I have to submit to someone I don't agree with or respect,
that really, really bugs me. So does shutting up, when I know the solution.
So
it's not so much, perhaps, that it energizes me. It's more that behaving in any
other way is difficult for me. As such, I can be a real pain in the ass
sometimes. :P
Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?
Words
of affirmation are the most important to me (11/12 points in the test you
linked). Physical touch is a strong second (9/12). The other three are not
important to me at all (3, 3 and 4 points out of 12, with Quality time getting
4). I'm not at all surprised at these results. I would have said the same even
before I took that test. I'm a very oral kind of person. I talk a lot (and write,
as you can see), and I like using my mouth for other things as well. Luckily,
my fiancé is extremely good at communicating, which suits me well. My sub is
not as good at communicating as of yet, but he's getting better.
----------
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A vanilla threesome at a BDSM party
So when T and I left home yesterday afternoon, I didn't have much hope for action. I expected a calm evening of socialising, which can be nice in itself, but isn't the main reason why I attend BDSM parties. T was somewhat disillusioned as well, as the girl he usually plays with was on holliday and the other girl he has been flirting with had to work and wasn't available. Most of the evening turned out to be exactly what we'd expected. Calm, quiet, social, but no action.
Usually, if nothing has happened by 1:30am, nothing will. Last night was the exception. A woman I know from a very different social context was at the party, I'm calling her Book. She's the fiancée of the guy who took nude photos of me in the woods last summer. I never really got a wibe from her that she was interested in us, or in anyone for that matter. It was her birthday, and also her first oportunity in over a year to go out with friends and have a few drinks. Her fiancé wasn't with her, but a few other friends of hers were.
It was late, she was fairly tipsy and a friend of Book encouraged me/us to hit on Book and fondle her a bit. I thought it was all just a joke, but T encouraged me to go along with it. And so we did, one on each side of her. When I kissed her, I realised that she was more keen than she'd let on. Under her very controlled and composed exterior, was a woman who hadn't had much sex lately. The alcohol enabled her to let loose a bit easier, but she wasn't drunk. Since we were in a no-play zone, we quickly had to move to a different area.
I kept being surprised by the fact that she didn't stop us. I'm used to fondling people who are more timid, who either need a bit of encouragment or who draw a hard limit somewhere. For example no touching the crotch area, or something. She didn't seem to have any such limits at all. More suprising (and this might be because of my low self esteem) was the fact that she wanted me/us at all. She is physically fit, beautiful, but at no point did she seem to have any second thoughts about us. Even with my big thighs and belly flopping about, as I eventually got naked. I talked this over with T afterwards, and he felt the same way. This is a confidence boost, for sure.
What I loved about having sex with Book, was that she seemed genuinly interested in including both me and T. She could very easily have excluded one of us, or ignored one of us, if she had only wanted one. She didn't. She touched and kissed and fondled us both. And she wasn't just a passive recipient either. This is a welcome change from the other threesomes me and T have had. They have been more Vs than triangles. Ofcourse, we still focus most on the third person. After all, we came on to her, so it's natural that she is in the center. However, at the end of it, we were all three naked. All three were wet and turned on. All three had had their hands on eachother at some point. Much more of a proper threesome, in other words.
She came twice, both times with T's fingers inside of her. I tried doing the same, but didn't get the right technique. I think I worry too much about being too rough, since I need such a light touch myself. And I haven't really had sex with a girl for almost a year, nor have I done it that many times, so T has much more experience than I do. It's only natural, but of course I wish I could do it as easily as he does.
At the end, just before the club closed, Book worked on T so that he came too. If we'd had more time, and been somewhere a bit more private, they would probably have given me an orgasm as well. She seemed very interested in that. However, I was really, really tired, and my asthma was acting up. I just didn't have the stamina for it, and I told her so. I don't think I would have been able to come there anyway. It's more tricky with me, than with many other women I know.
We didn't get to chat much afterwards. The club was closing, and we were the last one there, so we just found our clothes in a hurry and went outside. She walked us to the bus, intending to find a taxi on the way, but our bus came earlier than expected and we had to run. What is so nice with her, just like with her fiancé, is that she is wonderfully accepting, open and uncomplicating. I don't really think we (the three of us) need any more "aftercare". There is no worrying about what happens now, or what this will do to our relationship. She's obviously done this before, as have we. She's in a safe place in her relationship, as are we. There are no "but"s. It was hot and sexy and fun, and now it's over and we move on. It's as simple as that.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Humiliation play: The aftermath
I know I loved doing it, because I remember loving what I was doing. I remember being turned on by his helplessness and how he struggled against his bonds. I remeber telling him he only had two ways out, either using a safeword or doing as I told him, and I remember how this gave me a thrilling sensation all the way down my spine. I remember being turned on by hitting him and spitting on him (that last part is something I've never done to anyone before).
Yet in the clear light of day, it doesn't feel so great. I never usually feel any kind of shame with regards to my pervesions. I have no problems with me getting turned on by dominance or even sadism, it's just fun, and I've read enough and talked to enough people to know that this is fairly normal and nothing to be ashamed of. And although I KNOW the same thing with regards to humiliation play, it's still so much more difficult to accept.
After he got back on his feet, and we'd cleaned ourselves and our equipment (and the bathroom floor), we talked about it some more. And again, once we'd gone to bed. And again this morning. And each time he told me how he'd loved this experience. There was nothing I did to him that he doesn't want to happen again. It was terrible, but he handled it, and he loved it. He keeps reassuring me that he's fine, that he wanted this.
Yet I feel like crying. I feel like curling up in a ball against him, begging his forgiveness. To just repeat "I'm sorry" untill... I don't know. Untill this feeling of being a terrible, terrible human being goes away.
It's my words that hurt me the most. Saying terrible things to him, lying as best as I possibly could, trying to make it believable. Stuff I didn't mean, stuff I knew would hurt (but that I also felt fairly certain he could handle). Intentionally trying to hurt someone else, hurt me. And it keeps on hurting.
It's what I wanted. It's what he wanted. It's what we talked about beforehand, what we agreed that we both wanted to explore further. Limits we agreed that we wished to push at, actions that we knew were more extreme that we've ever done, but that we both thought we could handle. He didn't know exactly what I'd do to him, or make him do, so he couldn't activly concent to those. But we did speak about it in general terms, and all the while as we were playing, I kept asking him if he wanted to use any safewords. Just to make sure, because it was frustratingly difficult to know wether he was suffering in a good way or in a bad way.
I spoke this over with T, just now, and he told me that he sees my second thoughts on this subject as something healthy. The fact that it is difficult for me to do something like this, proves that I'm a mentally sane person and not a sociopath. That doesn't mean I can't do these things to someone else, just that doing them (at least the first few times) should feel hard. And of course he's right, and yet it feels damn uncomfortable. It feels like I'm second guessing my entire nature, my sexual preferences and my way of life.
So yeah, it might be normal and healthy. But it sure doesn't feel any good.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Playing the bitch
Earlier, I've fed him lime juice, habanero sauce and ginger root. His mouth is still burning. I've also been feeding him a fair amount of coke. Because I only want him hurting when I want him hurting, not the rest of the time. I've used an O-gag, and smeared his drool all over his face.
I've given him tasks to perform, like Cinderella, kinda... Just without any available hands, and with no doves or mice to help him. He failed. Every attempt more spectacular than the last. I only cheated a little, mostly the tasks were impossible to begin with.
The last thing I told him, before leaving him tied up on the floor, in the dark, was: "Are you really greatful for what I do to you? It doesn't seem that way. It seems like you on purpose cross me. You've really disapointed me today." Then I left him. Alone to think and mull that over.
It's all bullshit of course. He knows that, deep down. It's been SO hard to keep myself from grinning like a madwoman each time he failed a task. In stead I tut and complain.
This will all be leading up to quite a climax. There's a reason why I've used cling film. Why he's on the bathroom floor. Why I've been feeding him terrible things all day, and having him drink lots of coke as well.
I'll update this blog later on.
Update, twenty minutes later:
I checked that he was doing ok, physically. Asked him if he wanted more, which he did. I then preceded to talk him futher down, slap him lightly on the face, and lastly spit him in the face. Twice. Then I left him alone again. In the dark.
Update, afterwards:
It worked! :D
Friday, February 17, 2012
A few bondage and CBT pictures
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Suspesion, CBT and the Norwegian BDSM Conferance
I haven't been blogging much lately, so I have so catching up to do. It's not just over a month since I seriously started playing with Tight, and we've come quite a long way since we started out. Compared with my previous toy, Tight's progression is faster. I think that's partially because he's got more experience to begin with, and is more confident and sure of his own limits, and partially because I've grown in the last couple of years and gotten more experience and confidence as well.
Compared to my previous two toys, Corvus and Mondage, I feel much more sure of myself this time around. I feel more certain that I know what I'm doing (most of the time), I have more practical skills, more experience to draw on and more of an idea of where I want our relationship to go. I'm also much more clearly dominant this time around. With Mondage, it was bondage and some sadism, with only hints of dominance. With Corvus, my dominant side really developped. With Tight, it's really a combination of dominantion and all the rest, dominance being a clear and important part of our play.
About two weeks ago, I did my first ever proper suspension. I have tried it once before, with Corvus, but it was fairly unsafe and improvised, with bad ropes, bad anchor point and really not something I would recomend to anyone else. This time, with Tight, we used proper ropes, a good anchor point and a suspension ring to hang the rigging from. That's better.
Even though I've wached suspension done, and really studied it carefully, many times, it REALLY wasn't easy. First of all, when these big dominant guys are doing it, you don't realise how heavy a human body can be. Simply moving the body suspended, adjusting something, fixing the angle etc... It's heavy! I even ended up bruising my hands, but that was at least partially because I had the wrong technique when I first started out. I also realised that all this fancy japansese bondage you see people do.... If you don't know how to do it exactly right, it shouldn't be used for suspension, because it can get really unsafe really quickly. I tried, and my sub got some bad bruisings as a reward. On our second attempt, I just improvised, doing what I thought would work.... And it worked!
Once he was up there, pretty comfortable and swinging freely, I felt really proud. However, it will take a lot of practice before I can play while tying someone like that, or play with them as they are hanging up there... For now, simply doing the bondage in a way that is safe and comfortable, is tricky enough. I would love to try it again, though, and get some more practice done. Unfortunately, there's no anchor point in my appartement that I would trust enough for this kind of use, so for now my only option is at the BDSM club here in Oslo.
Tight has some fairly interesting bondage gear: A sleep sack and two straight jackets. All these three have been used during our play. I love the sleep sack, because I can make him so incredibly stuck, so quickly. It's comfortable enough that he can sleep in it, but tight enough that there's no way he'll be able to get out on his own. It has two zippers over the crotch area (one in the back, one in the front), which comes in very handy. My only issue with it, and the straight jackets for that matter, is that I loose access to the rest of his body when he's in them. I like to be able to feel his skin.
This month's main focus has been communication and building trust. Like I've said in previous entries, he's hesitant and a bit shy. He doesn't trust immediately and has trouble relaxing and just giving in to me. Bceause he wasn't feeling completely comfortable, I actually wasn't able to make him come the first two or three weeks we played.However, after a week of abstinence on his part I finally made it happen. It hasn't been easy after that either, but it's getting better. With no abstinence, I was still able to make him come this weekend.
Male ejaculation isn't really important to me, but when he struggled so much with it, I became very interested all of a sudden. Whatever he finds difficult or embarassing or tricky... That typically intrigues me more. For example, I made him wear high heels the other day, and he walked like a drunken goose on stilts. It was hilarious! I'll probably make him do it again, simply because it humiliates him. Besides, like all the men I get to know these days, he's got a fetish for crossdressing. He needs to learn how to walk on heels, if only for crossdressing purposes.
In our exploration of CBT, which is a new area for me as well, Tight has bought a humbler. We've used it twice so far, and I know he likes it a lot. I'm not wholely convinced, though. It seems to inflexible (tricky to change positions and such) and too much as though it's outside of my control. He could easily harm himself if the humbler got twisted around or stuck in something, for example.
For CBT, and especially ball-stretching purposes, I much perfer rope bondage. I know Tight loves that as well. Whenever I start to wrap ropes around his cock or balls, he instantly gets turned on. I've done this is semi-public a couple of times, to great effect. *grin* I started off with my regular 5mm linnen hemp rope, but I found it to be too thick for this kind of bondage. Tight got a hold of a thinner (3mm or 4mm I think) syntetic rope which we use instead. It's not as comfortable against the skin, but it enables me to do much more before I run out of space to work. I've also tried using flat shoelaces on his cock and balls, which also worked fairly well, though I don't like the stretchiness of the laces. It makes my knots more tricky to open, and I have a feeling it's less safe in the long run, because the tightness doesn't always stay the way I tied it.
As for CBT in general, I still feel like a novice in this area. I've read a couple of guides online and checked out a few wiki articles, and I have a fairly decent understanding of anathomy to begin with... But I've never seen it done (other than in porn) on anyone else, nor have I talked to anyone with much experience in the field. I've been experimenting a bit on my own, but I still feel far from certain about this stuff.
The first weekend of March, there'll be a BDSM conferance in Norway. This year, it takes place in Trondheim. I didn't get to participate last year, but this year it'll all worked out and I will be going. I'm very much looking forward to this. I haven't seen much of the BDSM scene in Trondheim since I moved away from there almost two years ago. I know there will be BDSM people from all over the country, and I'm ofcourse looking forward to seeing them as well. This year's subject is close to my heart: Safer BDSM. This will involve a discussion about consent, as well as several workshops.
After the conferance, there'll be a BDSM/fetish party called Baroque. Normally, I wouldn't be interested in a party with that much of a fetish focus, but Tight will be going to Trondheim for the conferance as well and I want to take him to the party. Partially to show off my new sub, and partially to play with him and have fun in a new venue.
So yeah, this was a long and somewhat rambling blog entry about all the fun stuff going on with my new sub. Hopefully, I'll be able to write some more later this week. I still feel there's loads I haven't talked about. His various sub spaces, for example. Or my new experiences with top drop. Oh well, next time.
Monday, February 6, 2012
You don't desire me, you just desire what I can do for you
I found a blog entry that really made me think, and here's my second blog entry inspired by that very same text. (Click here to read the whole text It's Lab Coats & Lingerie, a blog worth following.) The entry is really about consent, but there was one part in there that made me think about something else: Confidence and being desired by somebody. I've touched on this subject a few times before, like here. However, I haven't specifically talked about my body.
"When he didn’t reach out to touch me, never looked for the places he could slide his fingertips and make me moan like I had looked for his, I didn’t know any conclusion to draw except that he didn’t want me. That he tolerated my attention because he was getting off on it, but felt no desire to reciprocate. And why would he? I already had a lifetime of social conditioning telling me my body could not be sexy; this was just more evidence." -labcoatlingerieAnd this is true for me. I have quite a lot of confidence in my abilities, my skills and my mental capacities. But I have very little confidence about my physical appearance. It's easy for me to find excuses or explanations as to why someone might seem to desire me, when my body is nothing worthy of desire.
For example, they might desire what I can give them (my skills as a dom, for example), and we willing to live with my body as long as I fulfil that desire. Or they might have very limited exposure to women (meaning they are ignorant), or have no other women interested in them (meaning they are desperate), as thus "making due" with what I have to offer. Or they might be following a social norm, which is to speak against anyone who claims they are undesireable, thus telling a "white lie". (Any positive comments on my appearance that I might get as a response to this blog entry, would slot right into this cathegory. Ofcourse, any lack of comments, or negative comments, would only prove my standpoint. And so we are at an inpasse. A "catch 22", as they say.)
I have a wonderful fiancé, T. We've been together for six and a half years. And yet I don't FULLY belive that he desires my body, that he appreciates the way I look. I believe that I might not actively dislike my looks, and that my face might be somewhat appealing to him, he's managed to convince me of that much (though it sure took a while), but that doesn't mean that he desires me. That he finds me sexy, that I turn him on. (Also, I might on bad days convince myself that some of the excuses made above appeals to him, thus rendering his compliments invalid or of lesser value.) And he's the person I've known the logest, the person I trust the most. Compared to that, how will any new acquaintance stand any chance at all?
And so we come to the new acquaintance: Tight. He's wonderful, truly. We've been seeing eachother about twice a week, playing every time. Sometimes, it's just a bit of light teasing in public, or a quick-and-dirty session in the privat room of the club. But mostly, we've had sessions that last for hours, often several of them in one night. Twice, he's spent most of a day and a whole night here at our place, while T's been out of the house. He's of the reserved type, a bit shy and hesitant to take initative. And this leads us to another quote from the Labcoats' blog:
"But I’m still afraid, always, that no matter how much a lover likes me as a person they’re only putting up with my body. That no assertive touch means no desire. That asking for what I want is imposing. It makes it hard to find confidence when I want to dominate" - labcoatlingerieAnd this is it, exactly. Tight is afraid of imposing, afraid of going to far and afraid of being told off. And so he hesitates. He's gotten used to having a hand placed on my arm or leg, because I keep placing his hands there, but going as far as stroking my arm? That's rare. And let's just forget touching me anywhere else. Even after last weekend, when he saw me nude and we slept in the same bed: Still, he might place a hand on me, but not stroke or pet me.
And I can understand his reluctantness to some extent: I "belong" to another man (as far as I belong to anyone other than myself), and on top of that he's feeling uncertain of what my limits are. This is all fine and good, and I appreciate the respectful attitude. However, I have taken his hand and placed it several places on my body (which was, concidering the above quote and my explanations further up, a damn hard thing to do). I have asked him to touch me on several occations (no easier, I'm telling you). I have explisitly given him permission to touch me. We have talked about limits (and where mine are) repeatedly. And yet he hesitates.
What am I to make of that? What other conclusion may I draw, other than that he doesn't enjoy touching me. He doesn't like how I look or feel. He desires that I touch him, and do unto him all the terrible and wonderful things that he craves, but can't stand the tought of touching me other than when he's specifically instructed to do so. And even then, he makes the contact brief. What other conclusion is there to be drawn?
After having showered with him last night, again without him showing much initiative, I asked him this very question. He was suprised and confused, and again reassured me that he was only shy. That he didn't want to impose. I told him that such an explanation might be enough for a while, but not after I have repeatedly given him permission to touch me. It just doesn't add up. After that talk, he became more attentive and willing to touch me. I worry that it might just be a phase, brought on by my "rebukes", and that it will fade in time. I hope I'm wrong.
He claimes to find me attractive and sexy, a claim I can brush of even easier than the claims others make, as he's terrible at giving compliments. They are few, far between usually worded in such a way that they will appear just the opposite if I look at them sideways. Most importantly, I think, is his shyness (or lack of desire for me?) means that he speaks very little. He mostly only answers when spoken to, and rarely voluntaires any information on his own. This has gotten better over the last few weeks, and I think it has to do with trust and him feeling at ease in my presence. He's more talkative now than he used to be. Still, I have to keep fishing to find out what goes on in his mind. He's rarely, unsolicited, said anything nice about my body. (He sais he's glad we started playing and that he's pleased with what I do to him and that I'm pleasant to be around, but that's not the same thing at all.)
In good moments, I believe (or at least try to belive) that some people might find me attractive, or sexy even. But those moments are rare and far between. The majority of the time, I keep battling myself, and feeling slightly skitzophrenic about it: One part of me wants to believe people, wants to accept what people say to me as the truth, and doesn't want to interpret every silence or turn of phrase as something negative. That part is willing to accept that some people might find me attractive, that in the right outfit I can be sexy. And yet, most of the time this side of me is loosing. I rarely get compliments from strangers, certainly never on any part of my body or appearance. I never get flirted with by men I meet outside, no one ever tries to pick me up unless they know I can provide a service (dominance) that they can't get easily anywhere else.
The other part of me knows that I'm undesirable, ugly, fat, pale, flappy and unsexy. It knows that no person in their right mind would look at me and like what they see, though they might be willing to stand it if they knew there was something in it for them. It knows that no one would get turned on by me (as in: how I look. Not what I do.). And that because I'm fat and ugly, it's impossible to find clothing that looks good on me (or even fits properly), so I can't even dress down the worst parts and thus make my situation better. Most of the time, this side is winning, and the other side is just a voice I hear in the back of my head. It tries to protest against my negative thoughts, but mostly it gets ignored or overrun.
That negative side of me thinks it's a miracle that anyone want to hang out with me at all, let alone make out with me or have a relationship with me. And because these facts are so unbelievable, this side searches for explanations (and in some cases, my positive side claims, the negative side doesn't search, it makes them up) to make sense of these unbelievable observations. As it can't be the way I look, it must be something else. And so we are back at the beginning of this blog entry, and I've come full circle.
Confidence = Dominance?
"Accepting exchanged power, without ever feeling in control, is not dominating."Is that true? To some extent, I believe it is. If you don't feel in control, and yet you are attempting to control another person, you are not dominating. You are acting. The other person might not know that you are, if you are good, but that doesn't make it dominance. It's just make-belief.
Yet I believe that you CAN feel in control, and be dominating, without feeling confident about everything. For example, I'm generally quite confident in my skills as a dominant. I believe I'm fairly good at reading the people I play with, I'm fairly confident with light bondage etc. But that doesn't mean I'm confident in every respect, all the time. To say that doms might never feel uncertain, would be to claim that we aren't human.
You could admit to being afraid or worried or nervous, but if you want your sub to let go and go into "sub mode", I don't think you could make such admittances during play. Beforehand or after, sure, but not during. And so we act as though we are in supreme control, super-confident about everything. But sometimes, we might think "shit! what just happened?!?" (like when Tight seemed to have fainted on me while we were playing), or "omg, I really hope this works!" (like when Mondage had a big, vibrating egg up his ass and we had real trouble getting it back out). But we try our best not to show it to the sub, because indicating that we are uncertain or not as in control as they think we are, means they can't let themselves go as much. After all, the joy of being a sub is the joy of knowing that someone else is taking responsibility for some parts of you for a while. It means the sub can let go, and just enjoy the ride. And if he feels that he can't trust you to manage the situation you're putting him in, he can't let go as much or as easily.
That's what position of authority, no matter if it's in BDSM or in the work place, is based on: You act supremely confident and never let your subordinates think otherwise. It's about trust. If you aren't confident, your subordinates won't trust you to do the job. Ofcourse, the difference between a work place and a BDSM relationship, is that in BDSM that position of authority disappears/is lessened when you aren't playing. This means that doms should be able to talk things through with their subs afterwards, to exchange experiences and show their more fragile and uncertain sides.
Does anyone else have any thoughts on this subject? Can uncertain, nervous, worried people still be doms? Can you feel less than 100% in control and still dominate? I'd appreciate other people's input. :)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Musings on responsibility and power
When is it ok for me to say: No, I don't want to do this. Not to you, and not to us. No, I don't think it's safe, no I don't dare to take on this responsibility anymore. A sub always has a safeword. When can I use mine, and not be called a coward?
Because as a dom, I'm given a huge amount of responsibility for the other party. I know they are, deep down, still responsible for themself, but this game we play with power pushes that responsibility down and hides it from view. It's still there as a safety mechanism. I don't think any sub in a healthy relationship would jump off a cliff if the dom told him to. But the sub would do SO many things, that might or might not be harmful or problematic, if given the command at the right time when he's in the right mindset. And a dom can get the sub into almost any mindset she wants. It's scary, that responsibility. That power.
Usually, I'm a big fan of power. It turns me on, even. But when I'm no longer sure if what I'm doing is right and good, when I don't know what consequences my actions could have... Then that responsibility, that power, scares me. And not in a good way. That's part of the reason why I've said no. I couldn't articulate this before, even to myself, but writing about it has helped. Writing usually helps.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Three BDSM sessions in one night
To me, BDSM is about a combination of three things: Humiliation, pain and pleasure. These three may ofcourse be achieved in various ways, one of my favorite methods being bondage. But bondage in itself I view only as a tool, a means to an end, not the end itself. Tonight, we had three sessions, one session for each main "theme" if you like.
The first one was about humiliation. This is a topic we've just started to explore. I can't push him very far yet, but I AM pushing him. He's already doing things he never thought he would (like being naked in front of people at the BDSM club). During this session, I gave him his birthday gift: A collar. To me, collars are intensely personal, and it's a strong symbol. It means I'm no longer "concidering" him. He's mine now. We have still to determine exactly what that means, as it's still very much an evolving relation.. But there is no doubt in either of us that he is my sub now, and that's how we want it to be.
The second one was about pain. Also a fairly new thing for him. Like I mentioned perviously: He can't handle much pain and is obviously not familiar with how to deal with it. He's gotten much better in just the last couple of weeks, and this time I gave him an good old-fashioned spanking. Warmed him up first, using my hand and a suede leather flogger. Then switched to a wooden paddle and a riding crop. He got fairly sore, but he's a long way from any serious bruising. With anyone else, I'd call it a fairly light spanking. With him, it was really impressive how much he could handle. He ushed himself beyond what he's done before, and I'm very proud of him.
He fell into subspace from the pain, which is a good thing... The scary thing was it happened so quickly, I wonder if he might have blacked out for a second. His body just dropped, couldn't support himself, he grew pale and his breathing shallow. He quickned somewhat shortly thereafter, and I untied him, got him on the floor and let him stay in subspace until he surfaced on his own. He was ok and had no recollection of the event that I just described... And so I'm still not sure what to make of it.
The third session was supposed to be about pleasure... However, I discovered when I was touching his dick and balls that he is actually turned on by pain down there. The guy who can't handle pain anywhere else is actually turned on when I squeeze and pinch his dick and balls..! Fascinating! He still doesn't get hard, but claims it's a mental block because we don't know eachother that well yet and he's still not relaxed enough in my presence. I don't really mind, I don't have much use for his dick anyway. It's clear from his reactions that he's getting horney, so I take it I'm doing something right, even if he doesn't get hard.
I've wanted to explore CBT (cock and ball torture) before, but never had a victim that I trusted/was close enough to AND who actually enjoyed it and wanted it. Sure, I've threated and used a bit of nails and teeth, but it's not the same with someone actually enjoying it. To my surprise (not sure why I was surprised though) I got really, really turned on by it. Once I think about it, it's fairly logical. It combines three things I like and that turns me on: Power. Taboo/breaking a social norm (which is why for example face slapping turns me on so much). And pain. I love hurting people who want me to hurt them, I really do. That in itself is a huge turn on. The others are just enhancers. (Yeah, I know... I'm a freak.)
I hadn't expected these first couple of weeks to bring me anything I hadn't tried before. I thought it would be mostly getting him up to my level, in terms of what he dares to try and is able to handle. I was obviously wrong: CBT is new to me. Once the session finished, we were both grinning from ear to ear and loudly agreed we HAD to try this again. He didn't really know this was such a huge turn on for him, and I didn't know it would be such a big turn on for me. We both discovered something new, and now that we've had a taste, we both want more of the same.