Thursday, April 26, 2012

New toys

I was going to post a sex-related meme. But upon reading it closer, I realised that most of it wasn't about sex after all. Besides, I usually hate other people posting memes, so why should I make the same offence?

It's been a while since I updated this blog, but not much has happened. Tight has been sick for ages. One thing relieving the other. His back, his eye, his mouth, his back again, his stommack etc... It's getting silly, how much that guy is getting sick these days. His back is still touchy, and can't take much manhandling. So a lot of the really fun activities I have planned, have been postponed indefinitly. Well.. Not indefinitly, but untill his back gets better. And we have no clue when that will be.

In the mean time, he's been paying off his (monetary) debt to me by buying me sex toys. Not the usual vibrating kind, but stuff more geared towards BDSM. Stuff I told him to get me, obviously. First, we bought a strap-on dildo. I already have a harness that I wan't to try out, but if it doesn't work (I got it terribly cheap a few years back), I'll buy a proper one myself. The second thing he bought for me (to use on him) was nipple clamps. These are horrible, wonderful little bity things. With small weights attatched. Lovely. Those, we've already tried out, and we both love them. :)

I'm really looking forward to tying Tight down and giving that ass of his a good fucking. His back isn't well enough for that yet, he's all tight (haha) everywhere. Including in his ass. So no, not yet, but it'll happen sometimes soon, I hope. I long to do this so much, that it's even affecting the kind of pictures I share on my Tumblr. T is accusing me of becoming very single-minded. The majority of my re-posted pics are of men, tied down in positions that makes them easy to fuck. And men getting fucked. :P

What can I say? I'm the kind of woman who knows what she wants. :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Interviewed by Dishevelled Domina

I have been interviewed by a fellow blogger who calls herself Dishevelled Domina. She has previously done a series of interviews with submissive men, and is currently posting her interviews of dominant women. I'm one of those women. Here is a link to the interview at her blog.

I've followed her blog for several months, perhaps close to a year, and would greatly recomend it. She also has a wonderful Tumblr feed with pictures of BDSM relations where the man is on the bottom. She rarely, if ever, posts typical porn pictures of femdom, but in stead focuses on the man and the act of submitting. Which is straight up my alley, too. :)

Inspired by her Tumblr feed, I started my own. First, it was just a way of gathering pictures that I could use to tease my previous sub, Corvus, and from these humble beginnings it got it's name: Heels for the Raven. As that relationship went south, I kept maintaining my tumblr feed. In stead of pictures of heels and corsets, meant for somebody else, I started filling it with stuff that I found interesting. I think this was healthy for me: To focus more on my own desires and needs.

These days, I follow several other Tumblr feeds (Dishevelled Domina's is one of them) and pick my favorites from those to repost. Following Heels for the Raven should give you an idea of what I find sexy, interesting and funny. I post stuff I find inspirational, as well as stuff that simply turn me on. Though I must admit, several times my search for cool pictures to post has been interrupted. I got so turned on by all these pictures, I simply had to go and masturbate.

There are so many beautiful bondage pictures out there, what else is a horney girl to do? :P

Edit September 2021: 
Seems like the Dishevelled Domina site is gone. It's a pity because it was a great site. Anyway, here's the interview I did. It was written in March 2012::

 

Sexyblue is my next interview. She is 26 years old and from Norway. She is engaged to be married this year. She had been active in her local scene since she was 18 and though she started out submitting— these days she mostly dominates.

 

Here she is!

 

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How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I'm a woman from Norway, currently living in Oslo, and I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm engaged to a wonderful man, and I'm lucky enough that he's agreed to let me play with other people within our set limits. Sexually, I can be both active and passive, though I'm most used to the active role. I'm very much into physical closeness and touching. I love to smell and taste and feel the other person, and love to use my mouth and my hands, both in sex and in BDSM play.

 

I consider myself a switch, though these last few years I've been in a very dominant period, so only this side has been expressed. I'm also quite sadistic, but it all comes back to control and power, so for me sadism is just a tool in my domination toolbox. I love bondage, especially with ropes, but again it's something I do as a means to an end, it's not the end itself. I enjoy several other BDSM-related activities as well, for example CBT, breath control and chastity play, among others.

 

You said you think of yourself as a switch though you are mostly dominant now. How do the various power exchange dynamics work for you?

There are very, very few people that are both interested in being dominant towards me and whom I trust enough to actually give such power. The result is that I'm practically never in a submissive role. Luckily, as a switch, I have other options. I feel that both submission and domination feeds into the same need for BDSM, and that this need can be satisfied with either one or both of those.

 

When I'm the dom, I'm not your stereotypical, leather-wrapped ice-queen. Not only don't I look the part, but I'm unable to channel that bitch-persona. I love BDSM. I love playing with a submissive, making him squirm and moan and cry out. It makes me happy, and so I smile and laugh when I play.

 

BDSM is never a 24/7 thing for me, never TPE, the way I understand those terms. I need to be able to talk to the submissive face-to-face, as equals, before and after play sessions. If I always had to be in "domination mode" when I was around the sub, I would not feel comfortable. There are also many areas of a submissive's life that I have no interest in controlling, like his work or finances. Even had I been living with the submissive, I doubt I would have wanted to control those areas of his life. To me, BDSM is an exciting, thrilling addition to everyday life. A break, of sorts, from the everyday hustle and bustle. I wouldn't want to be without it.

 

Compare your early sexual experiences to sex now. What's the most important thing you've learned?

Wow, this brings me back... Well, I started having sex just after turning 16. At this time, I had both theoretical and practical knowledge of how my own body worked, having masturbated for a few years and read exhaustively on the subject of sex and sexuality. As such, I had a very good starting point, and I think that was important. So physically, even though I have more experience and a larger... what to call it.. a wider span of sexual activities that I enjoy, physically the difference isn't huge.

 

The main difference is how I think about sex and sexual activities, and how this thinking actually affects what I do. For example, I talk very openly with my sexual partners about sex and BDSM, both before sessions and afterwards. And I demand that they are open and honest with me in return. When I was younger, I didn't dare make demands in that way. I was never ashamed of my desires, not even as a young teenager, but these days I'm more honest and upfront about them. I know what I want now, and I'm not afraid to go out and take it.

 

Tell me what it is about submission and domination that appeal to you.

Trust. Power. Desire. In that order, I think, though that changes with my mood.

 

I love that tingling, electrical connection between the dom and sub, when they trust each other and communicate well. When the sub places his life in my hands, and lets me have my way with him. He knows that I respect his limits and has learned to trust me. I love pushing the sub to new heights, slowly and carefully, enabling the sub to handle more than he ever thought he would. I love how a relationship develops, and he keeps trusting me more and more. That trust is a beautiful gift, and the responsibility I'm given makes me humble and thankful.

 

I love the rush of power, when I have a sub under my hands. Unable to stop me (except by safe-words), perhaps unable to move, or speak, or see. His chest heaving, nervous and excited, not knowing what I'll do next. My hands covering his mouth and nose, eye-contact, he doesn't know when (or even if!) I'll let him breathe again. And yet he trusts me, and lets me do these terrible, wonderful things to him. That's a rush, and he gets a similar rush, and then our excitement feeds off each other.

 

And desire... Who doesn't love that? Sexy, horny, wet, strong desire. That part speaks for itself, and I don't think it needs any further explanation.

 

Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?

Both, I think.

 

BDSM, which is what I name my kink, is something I do. It's a term I use to denote several, very varied activities that I engage in. But I wouldn't have wanted to engage in those activities, if I hadn't been kinky to begin with. I used to think that BDSM was just a thing I did, and that I could stop doing it and be just as content with my life. This can be the case for some people, but I no longer think that's true for me. I need BDSM in my life, in some way or form, to be truly content. As such, kink is something that I am.

 

What determines if you are submissive or dominant in a relationship?

A combination of several variables, most important I think are these three:

1. What kind of interaction we have and how we "click".

2. What kind of mood I am in and what I need in my life right then.

3. Whether the other person is mostly interested in being submissive or dominant.

 

It's been so long since I had a relationship where I was sexually the submissive, it's kind of difficult to write a better answer.

 

Who is kinkier, you or your partner?

Me.

My fiancé enjoys various kinky activities, but I believe that to him it's only something he does and not something he is. He wouldn't feel that same lack as I would if I didn't have kink in my life. He is not into the dom/sub-dynamic at all, which is a big thing for me. He is more of a top, and enjoys top/bottom-dynamics a lot.

 

How do you handle being kinkier than your partner?

It used to be a problem when we first started seeing each other, but as we've been together for so many years now, we've worked it out. He is a top, I'm a sub/dom-switch, and so it's obvious that we don't match 100% in our BDSM-related desires, but that's not the most important bit.

 

What's important to us is that we want a relationship where we always strive to be equals. He's older than me, good at taking the lead and tend to be proven right whenever we disagree on things. As such, I'm already inclined to let him decide stuff and let his opinions weigh the heaviest in many cases. This is not a tendency we want to encourage. Therefore we do not engage in any kind of power-play with each other, as we think this would also affect our interaction in daily life. So we do regular, vanilla sex, of course, but not any BDSM/kink stuff.

 

However, we both want BDSM in our lives. Our solution is to only engage in BDSM-related activities with other people. We are 100% open with each other about what we do and with whom, and have negotiated an agreement on what kind of activities we may and may not engage in with others. As our trust in each other has grown over the past few years, the agreement has been re-negotiated a few times. We communicate about what we do, what we want and how we feel, and know that we have the other person's full support in what we do. That's how we handle it, and for us this works very well.

 

Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

Yes, I would say that there is a connection. If only because the society norm is for women to be submissive and subservient and men to be dominant and controlling. Female doms go against this norm. To some, that might be challenging. Our society is more and more accepting of the fact that women can be good leaders and work well in positions of power, and this helps, but we're not quite there yet. And for men who wants to be submissive, the battle for acceptance in mainstream society has a very long way to go.

 

Most BDSM scenes struggle with a very unbalanced ratio between male subs and female doms. Why that is, is a whole other discussion, but this apparent lack of female doms does fuel a market for more prodoms, more male-oriented BDSM porn and a lot of really frustrated men. And to some of those, femdom might be all about them and getting their needs fulfilled, because they've so rarely (if ever) actually experienced what they desired. These very desperate men might give femdom a bad reputation, because it becomes all about them, and the women are seen more as service providers than real individuals.

 

I know that some radical feminist groups call BDSM anti-feminist, misogynistic, even woman-hating. They will even make this claim when the woman is the dom. And of course if women only engage in the kinky activities to please the men, sure it can be misogynistic and bad for feminism. However, most women who engage in BDSM or other kinks do this because THEY want to. Not to please a man. Isn't that what feminism is all about? That women should be able, and encouraged, to do whatever they want to do?

 

The media image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

This might be a cultural matter, because it's my impression that this is more true for the US than for Norway. To be honest, I don't think that it has affected me negatively in any conscious manner at all. I'm not even sure if I agree with you.

 

In books and movies (both American and European), you have the "femme fatale": the dangerous beauty, with an agenda of her own and no scruples about what needs to be done to reach her goal. And yes, these women are typically adversaries or work for the bad guys, and as such are not portrayed in a positive light. However, it's very clear that guys LOVE these women.

 

Guys get turned on by women like the character played by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and why? Because she takes the lead and seduces the male lead (and she's damn sexy while doing it). Same with the strong female character, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, in the movie Cruel Intentions. Famous, not only because two girls kiss, but because a strong, leading, dominating (and even manipulating) woman is really, really sexy. Sure, it can also be dangerous, as men gets so easy to manipulate when they're turned on, but that's a risk most men seem willing to take. At least in the movie world. As such, even though these forceful female characters also get some negative publicity, society, at least the one I've grown up in, has embraced the idea of a strong, seducing, active woman.

 

And so to me, these characters are to be admired. And they do get a fair amount of admiration, especially from the male part of the population. The fact that it's so obvious that men admire and desire such women, makes it much easier for me to seduce men as well. Most women, even today, are somewhat timid and submissive in the way they flirt. They don't seduce, they sit and wait for a man to come and seduce them. They don't dare to take control and actually go after the man they want. Once a woman with some confidence and daring comes along, the men fall like flies. It's really a woman's market out there, we just need to take advantage of it.

 

What about the cultural message about sexually active or dominant women. What is your view on that?

Like I said above, most women still act somewhat reserved around men. Our cultural norm dictates that men should be the active ones, the hunters, those who take down their prey. And women should be that prey, passive and waiting for a man's attention. This is reflected in how men and women talk about sex as well. While men can brag about how many sexual partners they've had, and how great they are at picking up women, women can not. I say "can not" because that is the norm, but that doesn't mean we can't go against the norm. We should, and many people do.

 

Women who brag about their sexual experience or even just speak of enjoying sex and sexual activities are often called whores or accused of being promiscuous. In rape cases that goes to court, the woman's sexual promiscuity is often under scrutiny, as if a sexually active woman can't be raped as much as any virgin could. Prostitutes who experience rape have huge problems with being taken seriously, both by the police and in the justice system. Though there are regional variations, in general the US and Norway are struggling with the same issues in this regard.

 

Our culture is changing, and women have much more sexual freedom today than they did in the 40s. However, I don't think it's changing fast enough. This is connected to feminism, obviously, but it's not just a feminist struggle. Everyone should become more aware of how they are thinking about, and talking about, sexually active women versus sexually active men. There is no reason why one should be judged and the other praised.

 

I'm trying my best not to let this cultural norm of how women "should" be affect me too much. But of course it does affect me. For example, I don't tell my parents or other relatives about my kinky sides. I don't tell them that I've done fetish- and nude photoshoots, even though I'm damn proud of those pictures. I don't tell them how engaged I am in the BDSM scene in Norway, even though I'm proud of the work I do there. I don't tell them, because I'm certain they wouldn't agree that I have something to be proud of. They wouldn't understand why I do the things I do, and they would condemn me for it, because they are stuck with that cultural stereotype of what is right and what is wrong. I'm not willing to take on that battle with them at this point, and so I choose to withhold a large part of my life from them. It's easier both for them and me.

 

So I can claim to be as liberated as I want, it doesn't change the fact that I'm a part of this culture too. It has affected me, and still does. All I can do, is try to be aware, and to fight it where I dare.

 

You are involved in a kink community online and in person, how is that experience for you?

The kink community, specifically the BDSM community, here in Norway is fairly small. But then Norway only has 5 millon inhabitants, so a small scene is to be expected. I love going to my local BDSM club, or traveling to other towns to meet up with kinky people there.

 

I see a difference between the generations, at least here in Oslo. Those who are in their late 40s and older tend to be much more ashamed of their kinky sides, tend to be more focused on discretion and often have a more stereotypical view of what BDSM (which they will typically call sadomasochism) should and shouldn't be. Those who are in their 20s and 30s tend to be more open-minded, more accepting, less stereotypical, and less hung up on definitions and titles. Of course I'm speaking generally, there are many exceptions and variations on this theme.

 

I mainly participate in the scene to play, talk about play and get inspired for more play. Though of course the social part is important as well. Recently, I started to get interested in the political work as well. The Norwegian State removed BDSM and fetishism from it's list of mental illnesses a couple of years ago, a goal that several people have worked for decades to achieve. Now that we are no longer (officially) seen as sick, doors are starting to open up that have always been closed before.

 

Online, I participate in several forums and sites related to kink. I love getting to know people, and online communities are a great tool in doing just that. A lot of people new to BDSM are afraid to meet up with other kinksters in real life. I enjoy helping those people, talking with them online, perhaps meeting up at a pub or something, and showing them that just because you're kinky doesn't mean you have to follow all the porn stereotypes. We are regular people of all kinds, and nothing to be afraid of.

 

Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

Yes, it energizes me, but it doesn't turn me on.

 

I'm very dominant, perhaps even domineering on occasion, in real life. I prefer to be either a leader or a coordinator of sorts whenever I need to work in a team, at least when it's a task I care about getting done. I am quick to speak up if I have something to say, and often end up doing more than my share of the work because otherwise it wouldn't have gotten done at all... And someone has to do it. "Someone" is usually me. :P I often speak in public, and I doubt I have a shy bone in my body, though I absolutely hate to improvise or act, strangely enough. If I have to submit to someone I don't agree with or respect, that really, really bugs me. So does shutting up, when I know the solution.

 

So it's not so much, perhaps, that it energizes me. It's more that behaving in any other way is difficult for me. As such, I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.  :P

 

Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?

Words of affirmation are the most important to me (11/12 points in the test you linked). Physical touch is a strong second (9/12). The other three are not important to me at all (3, 3 and 4 points out of 12, with Quality time getting 4). I'm not at all surprised at these results. I would have said the same even before I took that test. I'm a very oral kind of person. I talk a lot (and write, as you can see), and I like using my mouth for other things as well. Luckily, my fiancé is extremely good at communicating, which suits me well. My sub is not as good at communicating as of yet, but he's getting better.

 

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Sunday, April 1, 2012

A vanilla threesome at a BDSM party

Yesterday there was another BDSM party at our local club. I'd made quite a few plans for that evening, people I was going to hang out with and play with and such. Unforutnatly none of my plans actually worked out. My sub is sick and couldn't leave his bed, much less join me at a party. The friend of me and T who was supposed to spend the weekend at our place, ended up not coming after all. And the aquintance of Tight, who we're trying to introduce to the BDSM scene (he wants it, he's just scared), chickened out at the last minute.

So when T and I left home yesterday afternoon, I didn't have much hope for action. I expected a calm evening of socialising, which can be nice in itself, but isn't the main reason why I attend BDSM parties. T was somewhat disillusioned as well, as the girl he usually plays with was on holliday and the other girl he has been flirting with had to work and wasn't available. Most of the evening turned out to be exactly what we'd expected. Calm, quiet, social, but no action.

Usually, if nothing has happened by 1:30am, nothing will. Last night was the exception. A woman I know from a very different social context was at the party, I'm calling her Book. She's the fiancée of the guy who took nude photos of me in the woods last summer. I never really got a wibe from her that she was interested in us, or in anyone for that matter. It was her birthday, and also her first oportunity in over a year to go out with friends and have a few drinks. Her fiancé wasn't with her, but a few other friends of hers were.

It was late, she was fairly tipsy and a friend of Book encouraged me/us to hit on Book and fondle her a bit. I thought it was all just a joke, but T encouraged me to go along with it. And so we did, one on each side of her. When I kissed her, I realised that she was more keen than she'd let on. Under her very controlled and composed exterior, was a woman who hadn't had much sex lately. The alcohol enabled her to let loose a bit easier, but she wasn't drunk. Since we were in a no-play zone, we quickly had to move to a different area.

I kept being surprised by the fact that she didn't stop us. I'm used to fondling people who are more timid, who either need a bit of encouragment or who draw a hard limit somewhere. For example no touching the crotch area, or something. She didn't seem to have any such limits at all. More suprising (and this might be because of my low self esteem) was the fact that she wanted me/us at all. She is physically fit, beautiful, but at no point did she seem to have any second thoughts about us. Even with my big thighs and belly flopping about, as I eventually got naked. I talked this over with T afterwards, and he felt the same way. This is a confidence boost, for sure.

What I loved about having sex with Book, was that she seemed genuinly interested in including both me and T. She could very easily have excluded one of us, or ignored one of us, if she had only wanted one. She didn't. She touched and kissed and fondled us both. And she wasn't just a passive recipient either. This is a welcome change from the other threesomes me and T have had. They have been more Vs than triangles. Ofcourse, we still focus most on the third person. After all, we came on to her, so it's natural that she is in the center. However, at the end of it, we were all three naked. All three were wet and turned on. All three had had their hands on eachother at some point. Much more of a proper threesome, in other words.

She came twice, both times with T's fingers inside of her. I tried doing the same, but didn't get the right technique. I think I worry too much about being too rough, since I need such a light touch myself. And I haven't really had sex with a girl for almost a year, nor have I done it that many times, so T has much more experience than I do. It's only natural, but of course I wish I could do it as easily as he does.

At the end, just before the club closed, Book worked on T so that he came too. If we'd had more time, and been somewhere a bit more private, they would probably have given me an orgasm as well. She seemed very interested in that. However, I was really, really tired, and my asthma was acting up. I just didn't have the stamina for it, and I told her so. I don't think I would have been able to come there anyway. It's more tricky with me, than with many other women I know.

We didn't get to chat much afterwards. The club was closing, and we were the last one there, so we just found our clothes in a hurry and went outside. She walked us to the bus, intending to find a taxi on the way, but our bus came earlier than expected and we had to run. What is so nice with her, just like with her fiancé, is that she is wonderfully accepting, open and uncomplicating. I don't really think we (the three of us) need any more "aftercare". There is no worrying about what happens now, or what this will do to our relationship. She's obviously done this before, as have we. She's in a safe place in her relationship, as are we. There are no "but"s. It was hot and sexy and fun, and now it's over and we move on. It's as simple as that.