Tuesday, June 26, 2012


This isn't really kink related, but it's very personal and I needed to write about it someplace.

I was at a con this weekend, and last night there was an after-party. As today was a work day for most people, by 3 o'clock not many were left and T convinced me to go home with him. I didn't want to leave, I was really enjoying myself and loved the company I was in. However, I went with him, because I knew (objectivly) that he was right, even though I didn't want that to be true (subjectivly).

On the way home I thought a lot about why I had enjoyed myself so much. I usually don't like parties, where people are drunk and the music is loud and I typically go home early. What made this night different?

I think the answer was that for perhaps the very first time, ever, I felt truly safe and accepted and welcome at a party. The typical people I party with are either BDSM people, where BDSM is in focus and where there is usually a lot of people I don't know or don't want to know. It's a different kind of environment, and I usually focus on my sub. Or I party with LARP people, where I don't know that many people either. Now, at the party last night, there were fewer people which helped me feel safer. But I didn't really know any of them that well, so this explanation can't be the whole truth.

Another important piece of the puzzle is how I was treated last night versus how I usually get treated. I get the impression that many people see me, and remember/think of the girl I was when I was 19-20 and first got to know them. I'm not that girl anymore. However, first impressions stick and I sometimes still get the feeling that people.... Look down on me. Or simply tolerate my prescence. They have enough of a crowd around them, people they know well and like. I am accepted as part of the periphery, but not particulary welcomed. Not actively included. Not appreciated.

And yeah, I know I'm weird. I was more socially inept when I was 19, but I'm still not exactly a social camelion. I go my own way a fair bit, and stand out. The people I was with last night, from the con, they are used to people who are social oddballs. You would have to be, to work at a con. Many of those who've organised the con over the years are really, really weird. Weirder than me, I think. That social scene is more accepting, more tolerant, of weirdness. And so I don't feel so weird or different from others.

Also, I've only seen these people about a weekend once per year. Yes, they still get a first impression, but that first impression doesn't get much time to stick. This means they don't see me as my 19-year-old-self. They see me now. An adult. An equal. It's a nice feeling. And when they were playing a game, taking turns, and started to include me, I felt really welcome. Not just tolerated, but accepted and welcomed. It was a nice feeling.

The fact that I felt so socially safe with those guys (there were no women left that late at night), gave me a warm glow inside. It made me happy. I drank more last night than I usually do (typically I don't drink at all), because I felt safe. Secure.

T was there, but where I usually cling to him for assurance and support (usually not litteral clinging, but mentally), I stood much more on my own two feet last night. I'm glad he was there, but I didn't need his help or comfort like I typically do. I also had War there, whom I did cling to a bit, but that's just because we are flirting. He's nice, in a harmless sort of way, and I like hanging out with him.

So yeah, last night was very good. I felt accepted, included and welcomed, for being me. Not welcomed because I'm a dom (like I sometimes feel in the BDSM scene), or tolerated because I'm T's girlfriend (like I usually feel in the LARP scene). Liked for being me. Treated as an adult, and seen as a positive contribution to a group.

I loved that.