Wednesday, September 18, 2013

A line of random guys, passing by in the night

I've been to practically every BDSM event since I got back into the scene. I've played with some guy at practically every event. Usually a different one each time. There is, for once, no lack of male subs. And yet, I miss that feeling of sparks and fireworks that I got when I first played with Tight. In other words: All these random people, and not one of them is someone I forsee having as MY sub in any near future.

Maybe I'm just not in the right headspace. I noticed, today at the munch, that I'm playing by rote. I'm even picking up subs on rote. There's not much exhitement, not much fun, not much of a challenge. And there's nothing new. I've done it all, seen it all. I feel faded, like a worn out reciet.

Sure, the playing is fun. It's not that I don't enjoy it, per say... But in the end, I feel empty. Worn. Used. Even though I was doing the using, or so it seemed. I assume this is the way people feel after one-night stands..? Never had one of those, so I wouldn't know.

If I met some of those guys again in 6 months, I probably wouldn't recognize them. We are strangers, passing in the night. They don't mean much to me, but I guess it's better than to have no one to play with at all. Why would I go to events, if not to play? Socialize is something I can do elsewhere, at other times. In itself, it's not enough. But then neither is this life that I'm living right now.

Perhaps I'm just not in the right headspace. Perhaps there's something wrong with me. Something lacking. Lost my mojo, maybe?