Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Jump was already there when we arrived, and he was sitting with some other people. I'm pleased that he didn't just end up in a corner all my himself, he's so shy that such a scenario is fairly likely. We chatted with the people there, including Jump, for about an hour. Jump only spoke directly to me or my husband, never to the gathering as a whole. So we still have A LOT of work to do there. I despair at him sometimes, I really don't know what to do. Shy people isn't my strong point, I just want to shake them and yell "snap out of it!". Intelectually I know that if I indulged in such an impulse, I'd only make their shyness worse. So I try to be patient, I really do, it's just so... Frustrating!
After an hour, Saint arrived. I made him sit on the floor in front of me, his back towards me, and threw my legs over his shoulders, effectively using him as a sort of foot rest. We socialized for another half an hour, and most of my focus was on Saint. Then I put a collar and leash on him and made him walk on all fours as we moved to the private play room. The room was ours for an hour, but that wasn't enough, so after the hours was up we walked out (him blindfolded and led by a leash) into a public play area to finish off. Half an hour or so later, we were done playing, and another fourtyfive minutes later we were both back to a semi-equilibrium. So in total, we're talking over two hours away from the rest of the party.
Afterwards, I was debriefing Saint out in the mingling area. Jump was sitting next to me, caressing my back and shoulders. He wanted more than that, and I had to push him away occationally, because I was just SO not in the mood for his needy, passive, pseudo-topping. To be clear, he was only stroking and petting me, and just wanted more of that (and soe kissing, probably). But I couldn't take it. I was in a very toppy headspace myself, and couldn't take him trying to pussyfoot his way above me. This sentiment persisted after the party was over, and he came home with me. We slept in the same bed that night, and I was really very tired. But if I'd been in a different mood, we probably would have fooled around a bit anyway. Regardless of how tired I was. As it was, we talked for a bit, then I pushed him away and went to sleep.
I feel terrible about all this. He doesn't know that many people in the scene yet. He's really shy and unconfident (is that even a word?), and not only did I abandon him for a couple of hours, I also didn't want him touching me when I was back. He KNEW that I would be playing with someone else at the party, so I don't feel THAT bad about doing so. But I feel bad for my mood afterwards. And yet I don't know what to do about it.
I started thinking, maybe I can't switch at all? But I know I CAN switch... However, when I'm in such a toppy headspace, I can't make myself switch. I have to be MADE to switch. But Jump and I don't do that. He's a Top, in the sense that he enjoys being the active part, enjoys having me recieve. I'm not a sub to him, not at all, but I can be a bottom. Just not that night.
What would it take, for me to switch down from my toppy pedestal? If he'd grabbed ahold of me when I got back, grabbed me forcefully and with confidence... If he'd told me in no uncertain terms that it was his turn now, and dragged me away, then yes. Maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe. If I'd believed him at all, and not just laughed at him. If he could whipe that grin off my face, using some physical force and stern dicipline. Then maybe. He'd have one hell of a fight, trying to get me down from my VERY toppy headplace. But it would have been POSSIBLE. But then I'd not just been a bottom, there would have been something more. And we don't do that.
He can't. He just hasn't got the confidence to pull something like that off. I've never seen him angry, and he doesn't drink so I've never seen him drunk... But I don't think there is such a forceful person in him. I don't think he CAN be forcefull with his hands, I don't think he's able to speak to me sternly and be taken seriously. He doesn't even take himself seriously, so how could I? This all sadens me. Because my headspace isn't his fault, he was prepared to have some fun with me. And yet he didn't get any, because of me. It's my fault.
So I'm trying to figure out how to avoid these situations in the future. I think the easiest plan would be to not have Jump and Saint at the same parties. Or if they are, that I only play/fool around with one of them. However, I don't know if that will be enough. I know the endorphine rush of a good play sesssion can linger for days. I'll play with Saint tomorrow. I'll see Jump on Wednesday. How will that work out? Will I be able to handle Jumps passive, uncertain shyness then, or will it just annoy me? I don't know.
I want to make this work, but I'm not sure how.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
In case you didn't get it, the devil in the title is me. As a Dom/Sadist. :)
Today, I played with a guy I've named Saint. It's our second time, the first was on his first visit to our BDSM club, and he was just another one of those random new guys I've played with lately. Back then, it was just physical, he couldn't relax enough for me to get into his head. Since then, we've seen eachother once (a trip to the movies with a bunch of kinky people), but more importany he's gotten a lot more comfortable in his own skin. He's gotten to know more people at the club, talked to people about his kinks, seen more kinky stuff and generally gotten more comfortable at the club. That helped.
Today, I got into his head. It all played out more or less like I wanted, I was able to read him fairly well and got him into the soaring, calm, pleasant headspace where I wanted him. He'd never experienced anything close to subspace before, and was absolutely thrilled at the experience.
It's probably the best experience I've had as a Dominant for... Ages. Months, probably. And the best part is, I'll see him again this weekend at a party at the club. Jump is also coming to that party, which is going to be an... Interesting mix of people. Jump becomes more top-y, almost possessive, when he's surrounded by other kinksters. So yeah, that'll be a switching night, for me. I'll let you know how it goes. :)
I'm still seeing War, but there's nothing new there. I'm also still seeing Jump, I'm seeing quite a lot of him actually. And there has been developments. He's been alone for such a large part of his life, and there's all these walls around him to protect him. Unfortunately that means he's unconsciously pushing people away, me included. I've been unable to read his thoughts and emotions, he keeps everything covered up inside. This has made me more unsure of him, and it's made me feel uncomfortable around him.
We had a bit of a breakthrough this weekend. He spent three days with me, and I confronted him with my thought and feelings on this subject. It ended up with him crying in my arms. He's never done that with anyone before and I'm glad he trusted me enough to truly let go. There are still some walls I need to get through, but this really helped a lot. I felt a lot closer to him for the rest of that weekend, and a lot more comfortable around him. If he manages to continue letting me into his head, and generally trusting me and being honest with me, I think we'll have some great times ahead of us. I'm getting close to taking this a step further, intimacy wise.
To my surprise, Jump isn't as vanilla as I thought. He's fairly experimental, which is fun. And somewhere, deep inside that shy, insecure, lonely man, is a Dom. Or at least a decent Top. And THAT'S fun. He's way too inexperienced yet to get into my head, there's so many techniques he's lacking and he isn't skilled at reading people. His low confidence is getting in the way. But as a top he keeps improving. He just needs someone willing to trust him, which I am (up to a point). So yeah, a lot of fun times ahead, I hope. :)